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  #161  
Old 01-22-2015, 07:10 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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To clarify, the test she was taking is a computerized "accuplacer" that the community college uses to assign incoming students to the correct level class. The only impact on her for not passing it is that she can't take the calculus class she wanted, but since she's still in high school, that's pretty much a nonissue anyway. The classes she wants to take at the community college are just extras through which she might be able to knock off some of her freshman college requirements before she actually enters college.

So it wasn't something she needed to study for, or something that impacts a grade. It just means she has to take either chemistry or a computer course instead of calculus.

She knows that *she* was the one who chose to race through the test and not bother trying to figure out the correct answers to the questions. But she inherited her father's tendency to blame everyone else when things go wrong or when she makes a bad choice.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #162  
Old 01-26-2015, 09:17 PM
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Things with Country were smoothed over by the following day, and she didn't even bat an eye when I reminded her that I would be spending the weekend with S2.

Usually I don't stay away overnight when she's home, but this past weekend was supposed to be one of her dad's weekends, and those are the weekends I spend with S2. When I picked Country up from her dad *last* Sunday, I was informed that the two of them had decided to change the schedule because of her dad's birthday, which is this Friday. I would have liked a bit of discussion with me before they decided the change was a done deal, but given that it's because Country wants to be with her dad for his birthday, I couldn't really hold it against them.

So she was home this past weekend, when she wasn't scheduled to be, and I'd already made plans with S2. And for a change, I decided not to change the plans with him because of a change someone else had made. So I told Country I would be gone Saturday night because S2 and I were planning to go to a concert, which was true at the time, and then would be going to a car show Sunday morning, also true, so I would be crashing at his place rather than driving home late at night and driving back there early the next morning. I also told Country that that's the way it usually works on the weekends she's with her dad, because those are the same weekends Spikes and Beads stay with their mom.

Her only question was "Is his couch comfy, at least?"

I said, "He only has a recliner, but yes, it's comfy."

So by Friday, everything was fine. Saturday morning, I left for S2's before Country was awake; even though it was about 10:30 in the morning; she'd had jaw problems the night before so hadn't been able to sleep. We were having a snowstorm, so driving was not easy, but I didn't want to spend the weekend at home. I just wanted to be with S2.

It was a very nice, relaxing weekend. We didn't leave his place at all Saturday because of the storm, but he'd gotten a new couch on Friday, so we had a lot of cuddle time, which was really nice. And we talked a little about our relationship; he told me again (without me bringing it up this time) that he isn't looking for anyone else, and reassured me when I did bring it up that I'm not imposing on or smothering him, and he likes having me around. I didn't flat out ask; he'd changed part of his profile from "I'm looking for someone mature enough to handle nonmonogamy and in exchange I'll give you your space" to "mature enough to handle nonmonogamy and respect my need for space". So I wanted to make sure he was considering me as respecting that need. He said that part of his profile doesn't even apply to me.

He also told me he "doesn't talk about all that sappy feelings stuff" and that he *shows* how he feels about people. Which I'd already figured out.

Sunday morning, we went to a car show with his best friend since high school, who'd wanted to meet me. This is the guy who, when S2 first told him about me, said, "Dude, you're going to get shot for screwing around with a married woman."

But the meeting went well. He's a pretty cool guy, and now that he understands that I'm not *cheating* on my husband, he's pretty much in the "if you're happy, I do'nt have to understand it" camp.

Right now we're gearing up for the blizzard that's slamming the northeastern US over the next couple of days. Hubby's at work but should be home before the storm really starts, especially since he works only 4 miles from here. Country was at school, but her college class was canceled. She just got home, 25 minutes late because our town has closed one of the only two routes in and out of town, so the bus had to detour to get Country here.

I'm worried about S2, who's at work in downtown Boston. He'll be leaving work in about 15 minutes, but has to take public transportation to his car, which is usually about an hour trip but will probably be longer today, and then has to drive another 15-20 miles from the train station home. I've asked him to text me once he's home so I know he's all right.
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #163  
Old 02-02-2015, 08:14 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Another day, another snowstorm...

Because of last week's blizzard, I wasn't able to see S2 on Tuesday as usual, but we got together Thursday night. He called me while I was on the way to warn me about a traffic issue (I take the same route to his place that he takes home from work), and we stayed on the phone for a while, until he got to the pizza place where he was buying our dinner. I spent a few hours with him, and it was nice.

Yesterday, his band rehearsal was canceled due to Super Bowl, so I texted to ask if he wanted to get together briefly for dinner or something after he dropped Spikes and Beads at their mother's. He was already in the middle of dropping them off and had other errands to run, so wasn't able to meet. But he called me and we talked for over an hour.

Until Thursday, the only other times he'd called were back in October when the STD issue came up (he called because he thought I'd be angry and would dump him, and if so, he wanted it to happen over the phone instead of in person), and one night when I was having a massive panic attack needed a loving voice to hang onto so I could calm down, so I texted him and asked if he could call me. Usually, we just text each other. He's told me he doesn't like talking on the phone.

But he's called me twice in the past few days, and both times, we talked for a long time. It made me feel special.

We aren't going to be able to see each other this Tuesday either, because he has an appointment after work. Last night I asked if I could go over on Thursday instead, and he teased me about how I might get tired of him since this weekend is one of our weekends together. I said--making sure he knew I was also teasing--"I'm more worried about you getting tired of me, since you're the one whose profile says something about respecting your need for space."

He got irked...not because of what I said, but because he absolutely does NOT want me to ever think I'm intruding on him or smothering him or whatever. I assured him that I was only joking, and that I understand that the only parts of his profile (on the dating site we belong to) that apply to me are the parts about his being in a polyamorous relationship and being attached.

He said, "And the part about our relationship being awesome. Don't you forget that."

Meanwhile, today, because of the storm Alt and Country have both been home all day. Earlier, Alt's rant about how 50 Shades of Grey glorifies abusive relationships rather than painting an accurate picture of a consensual BDSM relationship led into a discussion among the three of us about sexual and romantic orientations. During the course of the discussion, I came out to Country about being polyamorous.

Her response was, "Yeah, so?"

I didn't go so far as to tell her about my relationship with S2. I wasn't quite ready for that yet, and she was getting fidgety anyway. But I'm sure she suspects anyway. She's an intelligent kid.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #164  
Old 02-09-2015, 06:12 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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And yet another snowstorm...

S2 and I saw each other last Tuesday. On our way back to his place from dinner, his ex-wife called, and they were on the phone for quite a while, over half an hour after we got to his place. She's dealing with a potentially major health issue and wanted to talk about that, and I completely understood--but at the same time, as the call dragged on, I felt like I was intruding and I felt annoyed that S2 was making zero effort to even alert her that he was in the middle of something else, let alone to end the call. I almost walked out on him. I know she's still important to him, but I felt like he was making her *more* important than me.

After he got off the phone, I burst into tears, because I was frustrated, and I felt guilty about being frustrated. And he thought I was *jealous* of his ex. I wasn't. I just felt like I was being minimized in favor of her; not jealous so much as hurt, which I told him.

Because of that, I spent most of the week in anxiety mode, fearing that I was expecting too much of the relationship, that he would get sick of me putting pressure on him or being jealous or whatever, and so on.

This weekend was one of our weekends together. I was supposed to go to his place Saturday, and because of my anxiety it started off badly (to me) as it was... and then *my* ex called and said he needed me to pick up Alt and Country that day instead of Sunday, because of the weather forecast. At that point, I hadn't even made it to S2's yet... and I called him in tears, because the phone call from my ex, his tone of voice and the demand that I make an instant decision about what time and where to meet to get the kids back, pushed me from anxiety to panic.

Leaning on S2, calling him in that state, made me even more anxious about our relationship. I told him I didn't want him to think I was fucked up, and he said, "No, you aren't, I know fucked up." And I said, "Yeah, you know me"... and he laughed.

I ended up driving to S2's, picking him up to go with me to pick up the girls, bringing them home, and then S2 and I went to the get-together with friends that we'd been planning to go to. Way too much driving.

During the time between getting to his place and us leaving to pick up Alt and Country, I talked to him a little about the anxiety I'd been experiencing. He told me that I don't need to be afraid of him breaking up with me because of the anxiety or because I lean on him. That made me feel a little better...

But then yesterday before I came home, we were talking again. He told me that he's very unlikely to break up with me because of *me*, but that sometimes being in this relationship is very stressful for him because he can't tell people about it. He's worried he could lose his job because of it; he's worried about the impact on Spikes and Beads if the wrong person in their life found out; he's worried about what his family might say. He said if he ever breaks up with me, it would probably be because of that.

He also pretty much told me that if Hubby and I ever split up, or Hubby wasn't in my life anymore for whatever reason, he (S2) would also be done with me, because one of the main reasons he's with me is that he knows I'm not looking for the combine-households-finances-lives thing that a single woman might want.

Which put me back in anxiety mode again. Afraid that I put too much pressure on him. Guilty because he can't tell people about us, and because he's worried about what might happen if the wrong person found out. Feeling trapped because I'm in an all-or-nothing situation now, either I'm with him AND Hubby or I'm with neither of them.

I talked a little with Hubby about it last night and told him that sometimes, I want to just break up with S2, or with both of them, so they aren't stressed or hurt or whatever. Because I'm not worth them feeling that way. Hubby worries about his family finding out or about my ex and *his* family finding out... S2 worries about pretty much everyone in his life (though he says that he *isn't* worried about his ex-wife and her girlfriend, because his ex at one point suggested polyamory and so would understand the situation)... I worry about how Country will react and about her father and his family finding out.

Hubby told me that it isn't up to me to decide whether I'm worth it to him or to S2; that's up to them. And he said I am definitely worth it.

It's just hard right now... I'm the type who always figures that if something's going wrong, it's because of me, and I don't want people to feel like I'm a burden or too much trouble, so if I think someone's going to feel that way I usually cut ties with them so I don't risk being hurt by them when they realize they can't deal with me. And yeah, I know how fucked up that is... that's the joys of depression and anxiety, coupled with having been raised by a mother who constantly told me I was too much trouble, wasn't worth anything, and just existed to make her life more difficult.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #165  
Old 02-09-2015, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Hubby told me that it isn't up to me to decide whether I'm worth it to him or to S2; that's up to them. And he said I am definitely worth it.
I have those same thoughts all the time... and Mal tells me the same thing. Some days I want to record it so I can play it back over and over again.
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Djinn: f(42) my BFF (30yrs), married to Mal (15yrs)
Mal: m(42) my partner, LDR (6m)
Billie: f(20) my daughter
The Kids: Djinn and Mal's children f(11) and m(6)
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  #166  
Old 02-09-2015, 10:39 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I try to remind myself of how many times Hubby and S2 have both told me how they feel about me, have both told me they want me in their lives, etc. I've even written down some of the things they said and hung it up by my desk so I can *see* their words.

Doesn't always help, though. Anxiety and depression are dicks, and sometimes no amount of logic and reassurances from others gets through. I just keep plugging away, though, and both guys know that sometimes I just need to hear something positive.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #167  
Old 02-14-2015, 11:53 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I'm really glad S2 and I had our conversation on Thursday. I'm feeling confident and solid in the relationship. He said he's thought about looking for someone else, but first of all he doesn't really have time for a second relationship, and second of all, he, in his words, doesn't want to fuck up what he and I have for the sake of finding someone he might not even click with.

I'm kinda pissed and overly worried right now because someone on my ex-husband's Google Plus circle messaged Hubby last night and told him I'm cheating on him. She specifically told him to find out where I go on Tuesday nights. (Which are the nights I'm with S2.)

To the best of my knowledge, in my offline life, the only people besides my kids, Hubby, and S2 who know I go out on Tuesday nights are my ex and his wife...

I ran damage control with my ex, who claimed not to know anything about it. Told him I'm not cheating, and that this person had better step back. My ex said he doesn't know her personally, that she's just someone who sent him an add request so he added her, but he said he would take care of it. I also told him I was calling because I was concerned that this woman might tell *him* I was cheating on Hubby. He said not to worry about it. He also said someone, possibly this same woman, had pulled the same stunt on him and his wife.

I'm not hugely worried, but I am a little. I don't know who this woman is, but since she's in my ex's circle, she has access to contact Alt or Country. Alt knows what's going on, but Country doesn't, or at least hasn't been told. And last weekend, as I said a couple of posts ago, S2 and I talked about how sometimes he gets stressed about the possibility of the wrong person finding out about us. I told him about this woman's message and that I had dealt with the situation, but it still could be another reason for *him* to worry. (I won't be able to actually discuss it with him completely for several days, because he has Spikes and Beads until Wednesday, but I do plan to discuss it if I'm still concerned.)

On the other hand... Hubby just laughed it off, and my ex sounded disgusted that someone was starting drama. And my ex met S2 last weekend when S2 went with me to pick up Alt and Country, which might help.

Some people just have nothing better to do than stir up shit. I admit I was tempted to join my ex's circle just to track down this person and go off on her, but rationality prevailed...
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #168  
Old 02-25-2015, 05:39 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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My ex told me he doesn't really care what people say or what Hubby or I do as long as it doesn't directly affect Country. (He apparently doesn't care about Alt anymore, either because they've never gotten along or because she's legally an adult.) Hubby found the full name of the woman who messaged him, and we believe she's someone from the dating site, who tracked my ex through my defunct Facebook account that my ex and some dating site folks are "friends" with. No one's heard anything from her since.

On Saturday, I had two panic attacks. The first was because of a whole bunch of small stressors that piled up. The second was because of something a "friend" from the dating site said, coupled with me still being shaky from the first.

Saturday night, S2 and I had plans to go to a party with some of our dating site friends. I had the first panic attack before I even left my house, but he was expecting me at a certain time, so I drove to his place like that. When he let me in and saw the shape I was in, he just put his arms around me and told me it would be okay. I kept apologizing to him; I hate having panic attacks and hate even more that he saw me having one. But it didn't seem to faze him.

The party was pretty good, other than the comment that the one woman made that set me off again. That time, I shut myself in the bathroom of the bar until I pulled myself back together, so the only ones who knew I had a panic attack were S2 and my friend Cat, and they only knew because I told them.

There was a woman there who I knew years ago, who recently became active again on the site after several years of monogamy with her husband. She knew back then that she was polyamorous, but her husband wanted monogamy, so she tried it. Recently, she realized it wasn't working for her, so she and her husband agreed to try polyamory. Apparently he isn't dealing very well with it, but at least he's trying. And as she pointed out, he's only had a couple months to get used to the idea.

She was there with a date, and the three of us were talking about polyamory. Her date was amused because some of the things I said and advice I gave were exactly what he'd said to her on their way to the party. I gave her my number and told her she could call or text me any time she wanted to talk, vent, whatever.

I realized again, from that conversation, how fortunate I am that Hubby not only accepts but encourages me to be polyamorous because he wants me to be myself, and that S2 is completely on board with and happy about the situation.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #169  
Old 02-27-2015, 06:24 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Last night I saw S2 for the first time since Saturday's party. The moment I got there, he hugged me and told me he'd missed me. That made me feel good.

Then he told me that Maple had emailed him on the dating site asking him to hook up with her. He said if it had been another friend of ours (whom I've mentioned here before but can't remember her name right now) he probably wouldn't have hesitated, but he wasn't sure what to do about Maple because on the one hand, they're friends, but on the other hand, he's also friends with her on-again-off-again and doesn't want to cause conflict.

That made me feel like crap. I am aware that he has the right to see others. I will never take that away from him, and he knows it. But on the other hand, I have the right to feel how I feel. When he talks about hooking up with someone else, or even if I think it's a possibility, I feel afraid. And with Maple it's worse... She has sabotaged me and talked behind my back in the past, so my fear that she would try to break up S2 and me has some basis in reality. Especially since S2 told me that one of the times he went hiking with her last summer, she said to him, "What the fuck are you doing with KC anyway? What do you even see in her?" (His answer, according to him, was "She was the first one I met, we click, and I think she's a really cool person.")

I had to leave the room under the pretense of going to the bathroom so I could cry for a couple of minutes. I didn't want to cry in front of him because I didn't want him to feel guilty--or worse, manipulated. When I was calm enough, I went back and asked if I could be honest with him even if it came out sounding stupid, and he said of course.

So I told him that I fear that I don't actually deserve this relationship. That the people in my past who told me I don't deserve good things and that good things will never last in my life were right. I told him why I'm particularly worried about the idea of him hooking up with Maple, but that I would/will have fears no matter who he hooks up with.

I also made it very clear that I don't feel jealous or envious, just afraid, and that I will never ask him not to see others or try to dictate who he can or can't see, though I added that if I have an issue with someone he's interested in, like my history with Maple, I will express my *preference* that he not get involved with them, but I will also not try to make him go by *my* preference and won't be angry or jealous if he does hook up with someone I'd rather he steer clear of.

He said if Maple did try to talk against me or sabotage anything, he wouldn't let it happen, but he also said that because of what she said about me last summer, plus a few other things along with his friendship with Maple's other, that he really wasn't interested, he'd just been thinking about it.

He said that even with the woman he'd told me he probably would have said yes to, thinking about hooking up with her--or anyone else--feels wrong to him.

And then he said, "I'm not going anywhere. And one of my biggest goals in life right now is not to fuck up what we have. So you don't need to worry, I just need to figure out how to turn her down."

The rest of the evening was good. Some music, then some relaxing and cuddling while watching TV. Then I left to go home...and ten minutes down the highway, my tire blew.

I called Hubby, who was 45 minutes away and working. He left work but said he wasn't going to drive out to me until I found out whether I'd be able to get a tow truck. (For some reason, the only road service that's allowed on that highway is owned by the state department of transportation... things like AAA are flat out not allowed.) I called the state police and they dispatched a tow truck, but couldn't give me any idea how long I would have to wait.

So I called S2, so I would have someone on the phone with me who was nearby just in case something happened. Instead of staying on the phone, though, he got out of bed, got dressed, and drove out. The tow truck got to me just before S2 did, so he followed the truck to the nearest service plaza, where the truck driver put on my spare tire, which couldn't be done on the side of the highway because the breakdown lane isn't wide enough.

S2 stayed with me until he was sure the car would be safe for the road. He even paid for the tow. He got home the same time I did, around 1:15 this morning, and had to get up at 5 for work, but he said he doesn't care, that I would have done the same thing. And Hubby stayed on the alert ready to drive out to me until I let him know I was all set.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #170  
Old Yesterday, 05:29 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Over the weekend, I saw something on S2's dating site profile that really worried me. Nothing horrible; just something unexpected. Because of what happened with Guy, when I see something unexpected from someone I'm involved with... I worry.

And I was reluctant to talk to S2 about it, because I didn't want him to think I was spying on him. I'd read a couple of things on his public blog on there, and that led to a couple of other things he'd posted in interest groups, so it wasn't like I'd gone digging, and I wasn't trying to be intrusive. But I was concerned that he might think I had been.

Because I was worried the day I saw that, I texted him "This is random, but will you always be honest with me, and am I safe with you?" And he immediately replied "Yep." That set my mind at ease somewhat, but I still wanted clarification about the things I'd read.

We talked it out yesterday, and everything's cool. And he assured me he didn't mind that I'd read those things.

Yesterday... he completely amazed me. My car has been off the road since last Thursday; when the tire got shredded, the rim was damaged too badly to put another tire on, and we had to order a new rim, which hasn't come in yet. Friday, Saturday, and Monday weren't problems because I could use Hubby's truck; Sunday wasn't a problem because I didn't have to leave the house.

But yesterday... Hubby needed his truck for Job #1 AND Job #2. I needed a vehicle to pick up Country from school, and since it was Tuesday, I was supposed to spend the evening at S2's (and come home for the night). Hubby and I tried renting a car, but because of the weather around here lately, there have been delayed flights and such, and no rental cars were available within 25 miles of us. He called his mother to ask if we could borrow her car, but she was out of town. There isn't anyone else around that we could call.

So out of desperation, I called S2 and explained the situation. And his response astounded me, as did Hubby's cooperation...

In the mornings, he usually drives from his house to a train station about 15 miles away, parks there, and takes the train into the city.

Yesterday, he drove from his house to a train station near *me*--35 miles from his place. And he took a half day off from work so he could pick me up and take me to get Country. We brought her home, and I went with S2 to his place... where I spent the night, because it wouldn't have been fair to him to have to bring me back home again. I couldn't believe he was willing to do all that just to help me out... and when I said so, he said, "Well, you would do the same for me."

That's where Hubby's cooperation came in. The agreement has been no overnights with S2 except on the weekends that Country's with her dad. But Hubby was completely okay with me spending last night with S2, because the alternative was for me to not have the usual Tuesday with S2 and Hubby didn't want me to miss out on that.

I'm usually the one who gets Country up for school in the mornings, but this morning, she had two alarms set to make sure she got up, and Alt got up an hour early to make sure Country didn't miss her bus. Teamwork FTW.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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