poly relationships in relation to mono ones

redpepper

Active member
I need some help formulating the up coming workshop I am facilitating. I was hoping to get your opinion on what the difference is between poly relationship structures and mono ones in terms of beliefs around relationships, values and managability. Essentially a little bit more about philosophy rather than experience.

So far I have noticed three things:

  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.
  • Mono relationships tend to put "the relationship" on a pedistal of what is accomplished rather than "the individual." The individual effort, pride in personal work and being/acting individually seems to be more important and necessary in poly.
  • In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships

I'm wondering what else you think is involved and do people agree or disagree with these statements.

I am hoping to head off any curve balls ahead of time and as I am speaking for monogamous people as much as poly, I hope to make sure I have my thoughts in order so I can do justice to the topic.

Thanks in advance! :)
 
  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.

Mainstream, monogamous relationships do emphasize the "I belong to you and you belong to me" aspect of romantic relationships. However, that's not always a negative (I know you know this RP! Just trying to think of objections along with you). That is one of the things I liked best about my monogamous relationship with Beloved. Another thing I enjoyed about monogamy was the ideal of security. The ideal of security illustrates the flip side of jealousy as something positive - he or she loves me enough to not want me to party, stay with, talk to, see, someone else. (I, personally, am not agreeing with this but it is certainly out there.)

I personally tend to associate ownership and control of partners with abusive relationships. Mentally, I would then associate the first list point with all monogamous relationships, and thus with abusive relationships. Ownership/control=monogamy=abusive relationships. This is just how my particular thoughts would jump around in response to the first point - I'm not saying everyone would do this.

I suggest rewording the first list point to something more diplomatic, more positive wording than, to my mind, the strong negatives of ownership and control. It may help you keep your audience in a more open state of mind.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck! It should be very interesting!
 
So far I have noticed three things:

  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.
  • Mono relationships tend to put "the relationship" on a pedistal of what is accomplished rather than "the individual." The individual effort, pride in personal work and being/acting individually seems to be more important and necessary in poly.
  • In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships
Oh dear.

I think these are over-generalizations which really make monogamous relationships sound super fucked-up and less evolved than polyamorous ones. I know (hope?) you don't mean it that way, but YIKES! There are plenty of healthy, nurturing, loving-beyond-belief monogamous relationships in which the individuality of the people involved is appreciated and encouraged, without codependency or possessiveness.

Popular culture might encourage a sense of ownership, but actual experiences vary widely from that.

I think possessiveness is a quality that a person has, not something inherent or required in a monogamous relationship. In fact all these things in your bulleted list I see as more "people qualities" than relationship qualities.

If I were giving a talk like yours, I would start off with what makes a healthy relationship, and show how both mono and poly relationships can have all those elements. Then branch off into the differences, the main one being -- simply -- that poly people attempt to cultivate more than one loving and healthy relationship, and therefore, there are challenges in keeping our "heads above water," so to speak. I would focus on how the challenges of polyamorous relationships differ from monogamous ones.

Because really, mono and poly relationships all have many of the same goals, such as (for a start) to nurture and support the ones we love, and to build lives together.

Maybe you can do some research in real life and do some informal interviews of monogamous people in your community! I would post an ad on Craigslist or something, come up with about five or six questions, and have people sit down with you at a Starbuck's to answer your poll. Get a sense of what people have going on in their lives, ask them what their "philosophies" on monogamy are, and uses some of that info for your talk. That could be fun! Oh my gosh, I want to do that in NYC.
 
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  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.


Disagree - when two people commit to each other out of internal monogamy there is no sense of control or possession by either partner in a healthy relationship.

  • In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships


Disagree - love is more focussed but there is no sense of scarcity. That is solely a poly view in my opinion.
 
Don't for get I am talking with poly people at this workshop. What message shall I pass along. Mono you will be helping me, what do you intend to say?

This is not necessarily summond from my opinion, just what I have learned about SOME mono people from being on here. There are obviously differing points of view. What are they and what is the mono point of view? How is it different?
 
The point will be to help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them so that they can be sucessful in their relationships.
 
I suggest rewording the first list point to something more diplomatic, more positive wording than, to my mind, the strong negatives of ownership and control. It may help you keep your audience in a more open state of mind.
Yes, I think that is a good idea. It's not the best wording. It's hard to put my finger on how to say it without sounding judgemental and negative.

I guess some history of monogamy might be helpful and of non-monogamy....

Not all monogamous people operate according to the list I posted. It is a list I came up with from being on here and reading peoples stories. I realize that mono people can and do operate from other perspectives also, and that poly people operate from different perspectives... I am thinking along the lines of what common philosophies can poly and mono people come together and create healthy and happy relationships... I am hoping that I figure out at least one. lol ;)
 
"the mono relationship structures tend to be about ownership". How? I would say committed partnership....similar to those in business.

I know you're married so you must have called pn "your" husband at one time or another does this describe ownership?

I never felt owned by my wife.....I was devoted to her.... I chose to to focus my time and energy .....life to/with her. Maybe you should run those statements by your parents and see how they react.....might give you some prospective....or the basis for the statements.


That's just me ...D
 
Just a stab

  • Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.

Maybe something like:

"Mono relationship structures tend to be more focused on feelings of security and "belonging to" each other."

Feel free to use, edit or generally mess about with if you find the wording helpful.
 
The point will be to help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them so that they can be sucessful in their relationships.

Hey RP,

I think I would try to work in the concept we talk about - i.e. "Fullness".

I think there is a percentage mono people that don't necessarily struggle with the concept of poly from a theoretical basis as much as they can't see it being applicable to them because of their own lower 'fill point'.
Does that make sense ?
I think Mon is one of those so if I'm fuzzy here he may be able to elaborate some.
I think this is one of the sticking points that you have to get through. Many mono people fall into the trap of feeling insufficient when a partner says they want/need more - be it social interaction, affection, sex, love etc. When in reality it's really just a variation in 'fill points'.

GS
 
It is a list I came up with from being on here and reading peoples stories. I realize that mono people can and do operate from other perspectives also, and that poly people operate from different perspectives...
Well the people who come here are a small sliver of the population at large, it might help to find other sources to research this workshop. How far away is it? Meaning how much time to you have to plan?
 
Maybe something like:

"Mono relationship structures tend to be more focused on feelings of security and "belonging to" each other."

Feel free to use, edit or generally mess about with if you find the wording helpful.
well I feel I belong to my men, but I don't feel owned by PN. I feel owned by Mono though. Hm. I'm not sure belonging is quite it either. Its a matter of freedom, ones independence in every way. It's a. Mind set some how that I hope to protray.

Thanks dinged. I realize that some people will disagree, I'm not here to dispute that. I'm hoping to get to the bottom of explaining the difference to those attending the workshop so that it can be useful to explain to a potential partner at some point.
 
Thanks GS and NYCindie. All good points. Yes I am taking many avenues into account. I have about a month. There are definitely different ways that one who is mono look at this. As there are differing poly ways to look at it also.

I guess it comes down to sharing or not. What is behind that. I have seen the three points mentioned. Are there more?

For Mono and I and our family, everything came together at the right time. I don't see that happen often. Most of the time poly and mono partners drive each other crazy and hurt each other. Why?
 
A question just came to my mind: how different from each other "philosophically" are monogamy and a closed polyfidelitous arrangement? Not much, I think.


I'm not really interested in poly-fi arrangements because why should they appeal to when monogamy doesn't? So I agree, contrasting poly-fi and open polyships with each other might a good idea.
 
Hm, good point about there not being a difference between polyfi and mono relationships. I'm not experiencing much difference. This just got a whole lot more complicated. I'm gunna suck at this workshop. Funny, I was so confident way back when I offered to do it. I don't believe at all that poly and mono people should mix. I have seen nothing but hardship in the end for those trying to live it, yet I live it and am just fine. I think I will have to do a whole bunch of brain work to come up with something. I better get these men on it too. Its not just my gig.
 
So it's your premise that the people attending the workshop feel that way? Or at least the poly half do ....I guess you know your audience better than anyone here. Good luck D
 
Hm, good point about there not being a difference between polyfi and mono relationships. I'm not experiencing much difference. This just got a whole lot more complicated. I'm gunna suck at this workshop. Funny, I was so confident way back when I offered to do it. I don't believe at all that poly and mono people should mix. I have seen nothing but hardship in the end for those trying to live it, yet I live it and am just fine. I think I will have to do a whole bunch of brain work to come up with something. I better get these men on it too. Its not just my gig.

Nothing wrong with living it and still saying its hard as hell. I doubt many people could do it. It requires a special blend per se.

"I live it and I am just fine"

Has it always been the case. You are looking at it now, what about diving into the 2.5 year history and pulling from that. You and mono put a lot of work into it, which has made it what it is :)
 
Why not just share your experiences living a poly/mono relationship, and then open it up to discussion or questions among attendees? Rather than making it a lecture/presentation about what one or the other is... what is it for you? Maybe come up with 3 or 4 (more than that is too many) guidelines / mileposts / lessons you've learned along the way that you think others could take with them. You are the expert of your own experience. :D
 
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