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  #11  
Old 02-27-2017, 12:26 AM
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Heloise17 Heloise17 is offline
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Default Kudos indeed!

Bravo to you for reaching deep so soon and finding happiness for your partner when she is with her other partner. It comes much easier when all parties are honest and open with their needs. If your needs are being met, then it's even easier! It also helps if you are good at amusing yourself when your partner is off and doing. I happen to love and cherish my alone time, so when my partners traveled out to CA for a week in the fall, I missed them, but did things on my own that I rarely got to do. I also confess to a weak moment or two, when I thought too much time had gone by inbetween communication, in which I thought that maybe they would realize that they were making a huge mistake, but it turns out that they were having cell phone issues and ended up
upgrading while they were out west.
I tried poly with my husband, but he continually failed to be honest and open with me his needs, and about who he was with and when he was with them, and was clearly much more in love and passionate with his partner than with me, so we parted ways. He is still with that partner and I am happily ensconced in my triad.
You are now a month in on your journey as a monogamous person married to a poly person. I'm curious, has your wife invested as much energy into learning about poly as you have? Now that you know and understand how it works, are you interested in all about exploring whether you could be poly as well?
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  #12  
Old 02-27-2017, 03:02 AM
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Thanks for the kind words, Heloise17 - and I definitely agree that openness and honesty are absolutely essential. I simply would not be able to be in an "open" marriage without complete openness and honesty - as I have posted before, DADT would make me bat shit crazy!

Quote:
You are now a month in on your journey as a monogamous person married to a poly person. I'm curious, has your wife invested as much energy into learning about poly as you have? Now that you know and understand how it works, are you interested in all about exploring whether you could be poly as well?
A little bit more than a month - about 3 months since the initial poly-bomb, and about 6 weeks since the "consummation" (the first overnight - the second one was a couple of weeks ago - and she will see him for a few hours tomorrow afternoon as well - while in his hometown on business - as I covered in my intro, it's a long distance relationship). I still can't say that this situation would have been my first choice - but I am genuinely happy that Becky has found some new happiness and excitement in her life (without seriously disrupting our marriage or family) - and, for the most part, our marriage continues to be a bit more harmonious and exciting since the poly began.

Becky is not really inclined to "study" poly per se - but we are fortunate to have an experienced poly friend - Carla, that I mentioned in my intro. Becky and Carla go all the way back to their college undergrad days and are the deepest of confidants - so we opted to come out to Carla (and no one else) because she is experienced in the world of poly and completely trustworthy. She is supporting us both in this - but more particularly Becky - so although Becky is not reading books or on the forums, she does have a personal mentor. :-) Also - I should add that Becky has done an amazing job in the way she has handled this from the start - with her assurances that our marriage and family were safe - that it was "just an addition"' - that it was not about me, etc - as well as great patience, answering all questions without hesitation, giving me time to process, being even more loving and affectionate with me, etc.. I would have sworn that she had "read the manual", but not so - just seemed to come natural - although she is professionally trained in the art of guiding people through change so I honestly believe that helped a great deal.

Becky told me from the beginning that I would also be welcome to find a gf - and I told her that I might consider it a few months down the road - if all goes well with she and Ben. I do actually have a close female friend who offered benefits to go with our friendship if I should ever so desire. My friend is single and prefers not to be in a committed, serious relationship - but does enjoy her fwb partners. It's a standing invitation so I may very well be taking my friend up on her offer down the road a little ways - and join in the poly party.

Best,

Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.

Last edited by Al99; 02-27-2017 at 06:37 AM.
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  #13  
Old 02-27-2017, 11:52 PM
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Sounds promising!
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  #14  
Old 03-03-2017, 05:16 AM
Tungachie Tungachie is offline
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Beautiful story. Nearly made me cry. Thank you for sharing.

It's the road less traveled that is often the most beautiful. I have lived most of my life on roads less traveled, some by choice and some not. They are harder paths for sure. The rest of the world looks at you, and they either pity you or they judge you. Some days I've really resented it; but then I see the rare beauty, the sweet moments no one else gets to see and I remember that "different" isn't bad. "Different" can actually be pretty amazing.

So when I read about your moment of epiphany, it really resonated. That moment where you "got" it, where you chose the less-traveled road to walk down with your wife... that was truly moving.

Glad to hear things are going well! Hope you get a chance for some poly adventures of your own soon.
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  #15  
Old 03-04-2017, 02:40 AM
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Quote:
So when I read about your moment of epiphany, it really resonated. That moment where you "got" it, where you chose the less-traveled road to walk down with your wife... that was truly moving.

Glad to hear things are going well! Hope you get a chance for some poly adventures of your own soon.
Thanks for the kind words, Tungachie. I, too, have often taken the road less traveled in my life journey so I very much relate to the comments you so nicely expressed in your post. And while I have frequently taken the less common path, I never expected Poly to be a byway that I would travel. I do believe, however, that my experiences on the less traveled roads factored in to the personal paradigm shift that allowed me to come to a degree of acceptance of the poly lifestyle.

As I mentioned in my last post on this thread, Becky has said from the beginning that I was welcome to also find another partner. I have decided to wait to make sure that that Becky's relationship is stable before involving others - but I am fortunate to have a close lady friend who has given me a standing offer to add benefits to our already close friendship - so that may be a possibility a little further down this unanticipated path.

Have a great weekend! Al
__________________
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
_________________________________________


My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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  #16  
Old 03-05-2017, 05:48 AM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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This is quite interesting. The manner in which both of you handled the situation is remarkable. Wishing you both the best.
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  #17  
Old 03-05-2017, 07:37 AM
Bartirah Bartirah is offline
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Your history is really inspiring! I wish you all the best in this new 'adventure' you are sharing and I hope it brings happiness for both of you.

It's so difficult nowadays to see someone caring about what makes another one happy that was really moving to see that you opened your mind and worked in the acceptance just because your love for her was so great and so sincere that make her happy was more important than the selfish feeling of possession that most people have.

Again, I wish you all the best!!!
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  #18  
Old 03-05-2017, 01:33 PM
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Thanks for the kind words, Bartirah, and anamikanon! We are about three months into this now - from the time Becky first asked to open the marriage, and about six weeks from the "consummation" (first overnight/first sex since college). We have certainly had our occasional struggles during this time, but for the most part things have gone well enough.

Interestingly, Becky having sex with Ben - which was my biggest fear - hasn't really been much of an issue at all. We adopted one of the philosophies talked about in "The Ethical Slut" and let the sexual energy of the NRE feed back into our own sex life - which has definitely experienced a renaissance of its own during this transition. The bigger issue for me has been my perception of her giving emotional deference to Ben - even something as silly as her answering the phone with a sweet tone for him versus an everyday tone for me. I do intellectually get that this in an NRE thing but it still doesn't feel very good. :-) Even Becky reassures me it is just because things are still in the "new romance" stage (give it six months, she laughs) - although she has made an effort to show more of the same "romance" to me as well - and it is clear that she does try to ensure that I am not neglected - and kept reassured through all of this - and, in fact, has done a pretty good job of it.

Best,

Al
__________________
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
_________________________________________


My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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  #19  
Old 04-29-2017, 03:33 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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I hear that there is an NRE spillover effect so that the sex you and Becky experience is improved. When this happened to me, I enjoyed it and was simultaneously sad that it was merely a shadow of the real thing the two of them felt between them.

You're dealing with this much more than I did. How does this affect you and how do you cope with it - seeing your improved sex life as merely the dulled reflection of NRE in both their lives?
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2017, 05:52 AM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaya View Post
I hear that there is an NRE spillover effect so that the sex you and Becky experience is improved. When this happened to me, I enjoyed it and was simultaneously sad that it was merely a shadow of the real thing the two of them felt between them.

You're dealing with this much more than I did. How does this affect you and how do you cope with it - seeing your improved sex life as merely the dulled reflection of NRE in both their lives?
Hi Shaya,

Becky and I have always enjoyed an active and mutually satisfying sex life - i.e. - we've had lots of great sex over the years and even our "routine bed time sex" is usually fairly hot. We're both generally uninhibited and frequently use porn, bedtime stories (fantasy scenarios) and toys to spice things up.

When Becky started having sex with Ben again (they had sex numerous times back in college - but that was so long ago that essentially it was like a new sexual relationship for both of them) - we made the intentional decision to use the NRE sexual energy of their sexual encounters to spice up our own sex life - including sharing details. Unexpectedly, she discovered that it excited her for her to talk about her sexual adventures with Ben - and I - also unexpectedly - found it arousing to hear about them. The end result was that it added energy, excitement, and spice to our own sex life - in much the same way that the porn and bedtime fantasy stories had - but much more vividly. This probably should not have been surprising as we had discovered early on that her favorite fantasy scenarios involved another man entering the scene (MFM threesomes and such).

So, rather than saying the sex we had as a result of this enhancement was a pale reflection of the NRE sex that they had, it is better characterized as adding some hot spice (of a new variety) to our already good sex life. And this actually turned out to be quite helpful in terms of me coming to terms with her having sex with another man. Of course, this type of openness would not work for everyone. Both "Opening Up" and "Ethical Slut" talk about this approach, however.

Becky and Ben have had some great NRE sex - and my attitude has always been that if we were going to do this - we might as well do it right, so I have encouraged her from the beginning to go and have all the hot sex that she can handle when she is with him. But, Becky has said that it is not better sex than we have - different perhaps but not better - especially since we have some damn good sex to begin with. Of course, she might be sparing my feelings by saying this - but we have had in depth talks so probably not. They have the NRE passion right now, but otoh, I know exactly what she likes (and he is younger with better recovery time - but I have more endurance, etc... no, size is not an issue for either of us).

Hope this helps with your question - and thanks for all your contributions to the forum. Al
__________________
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
_________________________________________


My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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