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  #11  
Old 12-07-2013, 04:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Shido View Post
If everyone left him to decide what he wanted to do for himself, he'd drift off to sea in a boat and die of exposure. I fully recognize that he has to do things for himself and that they have to mean something to him, but a lot of his tendencies are dangerous to himself and me.

I don't want to be his babysitter and I don't want to nag him.
It sounds like you're taking responsibility for him, whether you intend to or not. Question is, what is he learning when you do this?

I used to do that for Gralson financially, but eventually we realized that the only way to learn financial responsibility is to make financial decisions and live with the consequences. Still, I was afraid that letting him have free reign over the money would put is in the poor house. So now we have a new arrangement. In addition to his input on major financial decisions, he has a budget over which he has free reign, but he has to live with the consequences of his spending within that budget (e.g. "Shit I spent all my money drinking last night, now I don't have money for smokes."). It meets his need for autonomy and it meets my need for financial stability.

Quote:
His life is his own so long as his decisions don't ruin mine. I've told him my rational and specific criteria for maintaining a relationship with me beyond friendship. Its up to him to decide if that's something he can sustain. I don't know if those things are usual or would meet approval of most poly people...but they're what I need.
Sounds pretty reasonable. My only word of caution is not to confuse your needs with strategies for getting your needs met. For example, you need trust, honesty, stability, communication. Strategies for meeting those needs could be showing that he can be monogamous for a period of time and telling you what he's feeling.
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2013, 05:00 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I've told him my rational and specific criteria for maintaining a relationship with me beyond friendship. Its up to him to decide if that's something he can sustain.
Pretty much. Ball is in his court. He either accepts the terms or not.

Then if you enter into polyship, you come to see if he can deliver or not.

Quote:
I don't know if those things are usual or would meet approval of most poly people...but they're what I need.
"Other people" are not in this polyship. You 3 are. You 3 could know what you 3 could need.

Quote:
My issue in this is attempting to maintain both relationships with equal levels of care and respect.
And are you able to respect this S person? I am baffled when you go on to describe his behaviors.

He sounds like awesome polypartner material HOW? Why pick him?

Esp this part:
Quote:
a lot of his tendencies are dangerous to himself and me.
Why are you taking up with a person who is willing to put himself and you in danger?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-07-2013 at 05:04 AM.
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  #13  
Old 12-10-2013, 12:14 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Shido,

I'm kind of lame and don't have much to add here at the moment, but I did want to say hi and welcome you to the forum. I've been loosely diagnosed myself as having "a mild case of" Asperger's, so at least I can sympathize and say, "What comes easily for other people in relationships, doesn't come easily for me."

I guess I'd suggest moving into this nice and slow with S and B, and have an exit strategy (for amicable parting) in case something doesn't work out. I'm in a V, and am one of the arms/ends of the V, and yet I don't feel any special need for an additional partner for me. So I know it's possible for different people to content themselves with different things. Personally, I like the extra time to myself that sharing a romantic partner brings me. I'd probably hate being a hinge because you have to fuss over both romantic partners so much and so often (like, constantly! ).

Looking around on Polyamory.com and reading various threads here should help you feel more confident about polyamory. Most of our members are pretty sane and fair-minded, and the exceptions quickly get called out. This site (IMO) is rather douchebag-unfriendly ...

I wonder if a peek at our Life stories and blogs board would be of help. Just reading other people's stories and seeing what they struggle with, as well as how vastly different one person's solutions may be from another person's, can help. The Golden Nuggets board is also helpful as it instructs you in a lot of the "basics about polyamory."

Ultimately, I don't think life and relationships offer any no-crash guarantees. As much as you value S and B, you still have to decide whether to "keep them in a glass box on the mantle," or enter into an organic and rather imperfect relationship with them. It's all but guaranteed that all three of you will goof up from time to time. Sometimes when you're in a race and fall down, you just use that as a challenge to get back up again and carry on. That's probably what you'll have to do, and more than one time too.

I don't mean to scare you out of attempting a polyamorous life; I just think it's best to know what you can realistically expect. I mean monogamous relationships can't be made bombproof either, so why should polyamorous relationships get to be so safe? Every kind of relationship comes with its own set of drawbacks and perils.

Yes, an "MMF V" is a little unusual; "FMF V's" are more common and "MFM V's" are more common still, I think. I'm "lucky enough to be in the most common group," but I don't think that something is necessarily a bad thing just because it's unusual. Sometimes the unusual is what makes processes like evolution successful.

I should also note that I'm pretty "bread and water vanilla," as is the hinge of my V and even the other guy in my V to an extent. We've been together as a poly unit since early 2006 and while we had some rough sailing during our first few years, our "forming" and "storming" stages have calmed into our "norming" stage and I consider us proof that polyamory can be done, and even that "vanilla polyamory" can be done. So don't worry too much about that part.

Anyway, I hope this site can be of help to you, and that we can answer many/most of your questions. Welcome aboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:28 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Still, I was afraid that letting him have free reign over the money would put is in the poor house. So now we have a new arrangement. In addition to his input on major financial decisions, he has a budget over which he has free reign, but he has to live with the consequences of his spending within that budget (e.g. "Shit I spent all my money drinking last night, now I don't have money for smokes."). It meets his need for autonomy and it meets my need for financial stability...
MrS and I have had some version of this arrangement for the last 18 years (it has evolved as our situation has changed) which has worked REALLY well for us...and Dude and I have recently come up with a version of this as well.
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:09 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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This may not be a major point, but I am surprised that you describe S as a straight male and then have hopes for him being monogamous with you. In fact I'm surprised he's considering being with you at all. Am I missing something or is his orientation more flexible than you described?
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  #16  
Old 12-12-2013, 11:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Welcome to the board.
Please feel free to lurk and browse.
There is a LOT of helpful information in "goldennuggets". Worth taking time to read.

Please be sure to read through the guidelines so you know what the expectations are.

The board is an open forum, where anyone can (and will) share their opinions. So keep this in mind if you post questions or seek advice. Any given opinion may not fit for your situation and that's totally ok. You can ignore any posts that don't interest you. You can also block any posters you feel a need not to continue reading.

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please feel free to private message a moderator (of which I am one). We will do our best to help.
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