Sexless Marriage- Told him I was stepping out for sex

[Starseed]

I agree Magdlyn. I've experienced being looked at as very strange for having a strong sex drive. Sex drives come in ALL sizes and each of us must find a way to address the drive in ways that are sensitive to ourselves and others, but nevertheless addressed. If the sex drive is not addressed and instead repressed, it can (and does) lead to madness and sexual violence.

Dan

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

No one should be called a pig for having a sex drive. Having a sex drive, even a strong one, is NORMAL. Some will argue it is a need like a need for water, food and shelter. Certainly it is a strong drive that can make you almost crazy (distracted, extremely irritable, losing confidence in oneself as a person...) if unfulfilled.

[SweetSensations]

he kept asking me when I would ask for sex. "Well, how often do you want sex?" I would get excited and think wow, I am gonna get sex. I would say -"once a week would be grand!!" It would never come and I said nothing then next quarter he would say "well how often do you want it? " I would say once a week and of course this went on about 5 times. by then years had passed. I didn't ask often, I would shift it inside and get mad.

[Starseed]

I can empathize SweetSensations. In my marriage the drought was not as severe as yours, but I used to practically beg my wife to make love every three weeks or so because I knew it was the only way possible that it would happen. If left to my own desire, I like to make love about six times a week. So, it was difficult finding a way to make it 'workable'. In the end it did not work, but lack of sex was only one contributing factor.

Its hard to avoid feeling frustrated and mad, no question.

Dan

Originally Posted by SweetSensations

he kept asking me when I would ask for sex. "Well, how often do you want sex?" I would get excited and think wow, I am gonna get sex. I would say -"once a week would be grand!!" It would never come and I said nothing then next quarter he would say "well how often do you want it? " I would say once a week and of course this went on about 5 times. by then years had passed. I didn't ask often, I would shift it inside and get mad.

[Holiday]

Originally Posted by bassman

This article says that less than 10 times a year, - allright, mine wasnt that infrequent, but almost.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...racey-Cox.html


Oh and Ive read her book, rather traditional advice im afraid.

Huh... Ok. Well color me confused.
I would say once a month is infrequent. Twice a month is infrequent.

[Starseed]

It completely depends on the people involved. Everyone has different desires and there is no way you can generalize. For some people three times per week is infrequent :-))

Dan

[kdt26417]

I agree; what counts as frequent or infrequent (or even sexless) can vary greatly from person to person. Some people can be satiated with once a year, others crave it many times a day. There's no right or wrong here, it's just a matter of figuring out a reasonable compromise for everyone.

[Starseed]

Yes! Each person is unique and therefore their desires will be unique as well. Communication and lots of it with partner(s) usually will iron out the differences especially when done with a lot of love and compassion for each other.

Dan

Originally Posted by kdt26417

I agree; what counts as frequent or infrequent (or even sexless) can vary greatly from person to person. Some people can be satiated with once a year, others crave it many times a day. There's no right or wrong here, it's just a matter of figuring out a reasonable compromise for everyone.

[SweetSensations]

Thank you to all who helped me. Even though I don't get sex at home. He warmed up/ accepted me getting sex outside the M. I now get sex and intimacy once a week on average. I don't have to pretend that I don't need sex and intimacy. With my H, he said he is relived that he doesn't have to provide duty sex.

Both of us decided to actively water the roots of our M. Instead of pulling the roots up one by one until the tree withered. (we chose not to sabotage the M with emotional abuse) He is a beautiful soul and I am glad I removed the chastity belt. It really is worse than being a roommate because with roommates you are each going out and having sex with others.

I mostly did this on my own trying to figure out what would ease his anxiety about having to give up sex. He clammed up but it works for now. Maybe someday you won't have to hide your silent crying in bed. I don't mind talking to you if you want to see if there are some parallels.

Thank you. I love you. Hang in there. (((tight hugs)))

My update and what worked for us, is in a response to another sexless M here: Please help her as well.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...arriage&page=3

Michele Weiner-Davis Ted Talk Video about
The Sex Starved Marriage
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20