Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-01-2018, 05:50 PM
Bunny89 Bunny89 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: South Wales uk
Posts: 33
Default Bad feelz

Hello lovely people. I'm trying to find a way of putting this that doesn't come across as completely self pitying.

I'm having trouble lately with some not-so-nice feelings about myself. I don't very much like how I look and some serious self conscious issues are making it difficult for me to put myself out there. I used to be a very social person till around 8 years ago I got very ill and spent a solid two years of my life constantly vomiting which as severely messed up my teeth. In the process of getting it fixed but it's costly and takes time (plus I've not long built up the courage to do something about it). Added to the issues I have with my weight and I feel incredibly..
Undatable? Might be the word I'm looking for.

I understand what my issues are, what I don't know is how to get passed them. It's like I'm stuck, I'm at the point I want to date and make connections but every time I think I can I drop back down to 'reality' with 'don't be silly. No one will be interested' I've been stuck in this pattern for a while now. I don't feel these things with my NP, I know he loves me and is happy with me, just when I think I want to put myself out there a bit.

Any advice on how to get passed those feelings?
Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2018, 03:52 AM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,092

There are probably thousands of websites that address how to love one's self. My advice is to simply go for it. I know that sounds incredibly blasť. I suffer from social anxiety. Just do it works for me.

Just keep in mind that not every person you meet is going to go somewhere. Don't let that get you down.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2018, 04:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,344

I'm sorry you struggle.

I believe feeling ensue after (action behavior) or (thinking behavior.) Then some feeling ensue as a result.

Any advice on how to get passed those feelings?
You notice the THOUGHTS you think, which then ensue in the yucky feelings you do not like.

Then change your mind about thinking that way and see if new feelings ensue that you like better or can deal with better.

I'm at the point I want to date and make connections but every time I think I can I drop back down to 'reality' with 'don't be silly. No one will be interested' I've been stuck in this pattern for a while now.
That "drop back down to 'reality" is you doing (thinking behavior) in your head.

Does self limiting talk ADD to your goal of (dating and making connections) or TAKE AWAY from your goal?

I think TAKE AWAY. Could learn to ask yourself that "Does this behavior ADD or TAKE AWAY?")

Could you be willing to change the story you tell yourself? More like...

I'm at the point I want to date and make connections. Every time I think I can I drop back down to 'reality' with "Not everyone will be interested." Which is ok. Their interest is not in my control. Some might be interested and some might not. That is what dating is FOR. To sort out compatible people.

My goal is to get out and make connections. I cannot do that staying in. My (staying in) or (getting out) IS under my control."
I can understand being nervous. But confidence is grown by DOING. So get out to do. And watch how you talk to yourself/think to yourself in your head if it ensues in yucky feelings later. You don't have to do that behavior. You can change it and change the thoughts.

If dating right now is too stressy? Get out in other ways. Go to a meetup. Attend a lecture, class, or demo that interests you. Practice being out amongst new people in general first. Then work your way to dating a new person specifically later.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-02-2018 at 04:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2018, 01:50 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 17,260

Hi Bunny89,

Sorry that you are going through all those feelings of self-doubt and that they are preventing you from putting yourself out there. That's got to be frustrating. I guess what I would say to help you get past those feelings is, that there is a huge variety of people out there, and they don't all want the same thing. You might be surprised at how many would be interested in you exactly as you are. Yes, you would get some rejections, but that would not describe the entirety of your experience. I don't know if that helps you feel any better, but at least it's something to think about. Hang in there and don't be too down on yourself. You are a person who has value and deserves companionship. It's out there!

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:56 AM.