Is it poly I need or something else?

Rygel

New member
So I (29F) was talking to my bf (30M) of 3 years and I was saying I wish I could talk to my friends the way I talk to him. Meaning being able to call them without having anything in particular to say but just wanting to talk to someone. I feel like the only people who are willing to listen to the minutiae of your day are people you have feelings for. I can talk to my friends in a close and honest way when I’ve had something major happen like a fight with the bf or a really really bad day or something. But just the simple connection of being able to call someone up when you are lonely or bored and want some human interaction without a big topic to discuss would be nice. Not to mention having someone who is into the things my bf isn’t into that I can do things with. I basically want what I have with my bf but with another person so that he is not my only very close emotional support. Anyway after saying most of this to him he says maybe you should try poly. Just to note he is open to opening the relationship too as he would like to have more connections like ours as well. Do I just need better friends or is an additional relationship the way to go?
 
To me, part of the definition of "friend" is someone I can call up (or text; I prefer texting to phone calls) just to say "Hey, how's it going?" and not have a specific reason for getting in touch, and someone who feels comfortable doing the same with me. If I can't do that with someone, they might be an acquaintance, maybe even a friendly acquaintance, but they aren't a friend. I'm curious as to why you feel you have to have a specific reason to reach out to your friends.
 
I too tend to feel like I have to have a specific reason to talk to friends, with the exception of a few of my online friends. Otherwise I'll just wait until we see each other again. Partners, though, I feel like I can just chat with if I'm bored or lonely or see something interesting on the web or... whatever.

That said, I'd be _open_, definitely, to a more emotionally intimate / communicative relationship with friends who I'm not sexually intimate or romantically involved with, I'm just not good at maintaining them - and frankly I'm not sure a LOT of people are. Maybe it's just mononormativity - even heteromononormativity - there's a certain pressure on everyone to have their spouse / partner be their "best friend" AND everything else that we just aren't great at building those relationships.

From what you're describing, though, poly _could_ work, or simply building close friendships. Which is better for you is still unclear from what you've written. For me, I _do_ tend to feel more open with lovers - maybe it's just the hormones - so that helps.
 
Hello Rygel,

It's totally up to you whether you try poly. It partly depends on if you can find closer friends, or get closer to the friends you have. And it partly depends on if you would want poly even if you had those closer friends. It sounds like your boyfriend will support you in the poly endeavor, I'm sure he'll support you in the mono endeavor too, if that's the way you choose to go. So think about if poly is something that you want. If it is, go ahead and give it a try. This forum can help you navigate the poly waters. But don't feel obligated, it's not like you have to be poly. It's totally up to you.

I think a friend you can just call is a special friend indeed. Someone you don't need to talk about anything specific, you're just lonely or bored. If you do find such a friend, cherish them, whether they are a "mere" friend, or something more intimate.

Warm regards,
Kevin T.
 
So I (29F) was talking to my bf (30M) of 3 years and I was saying I wish I could talk to my friends the way I talk to him....

Not to mention having someone who is into the things my bf isn’t into...

that I can do things with. I basically want what I have with my bf but with another person so that he is not my only very close emotional support.

Anyway after saying most of this to him he says maybe you should try poly...

Just to note he is open to opening the relationship too as he would like to have more connections like ours as well. Do I just need better friends or is an additional relationship the way to go?

Sounds like he was open to it before, and if so it is good it is in the open now.

The thing that is tantilizing, exciting, but also sometimes painful is working through what is right for you.

It took several years for my wife to talk me into having a #2, I thought at first it was a trap. A set-up. I wasn't expecting it. So your reaction to this too-good-too-be-true option is "you're kidding, right?"

So we did a lot of reading. To our surprise, surveys were reporting better satisfaction with poly than traditional marriages. Regardless though, with either lifestyle the people who had clear, open communication and mutually shared plans, people who were honest and above-board in their dealings did best.

To clarify, what kind of poly are you thinking?
 
I am poly because I like having the option of multiple, say 2, romantic partners.

I have several friends and family members I can talk to randomly: my sister, my adult son, and 2 or 3 friends. I maintain those relationships by reaching out to chat when I feel like it, generally a half hour or so of texting several times a week with my sister, and a bit less time with the others. It's not hard to do. I do it because I like it, and vice versa. I am also able to get together with one local friend for dinner and a Netflix or some other nice activity about twice a month.

I think being poly isn't your solution to not having or maintaining close friendships. You need to have me time and friend time apart from lovers when you're poly, in my opinion. You'll need poly friends to discuss poly with, or your poly breakups, which seem to happen a lot, since people in general don't understand poly, since it's such a new relationship form. It wouldn't be fair to dump all your new poly angst or joys on your husband.

And if your husband is going to start dating too, you'll need friends to hang out with when he's on a date, probably.
 
As I was reading this I thought, "She needs better friends." Or is it that you are not comfortable sharing with the friends you have?

Of course, if you are both open to opening your relationship, then poly may work for you.
 
I would call what you are looking for "intimate friends" - which are the only sort that I actually consider friends at all - whether I am having sex with them or not. For me (but not everyone) identifying as poly lets me blur the lines: what's the difference between a platonic girlfriend, a FWB, a lover-friend, a BFF, etc. I have my own definitions, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. We are what we are.

For me, being poly, there is no "line" that can't be crossed, I don't have to worry where MY lines are, only what feels comfortable for the other person. My BFF/platonic GF is straight - but we can cuddle, sleep in the same bed, say "I love you!", touch each other for comfort, and call each other whenever we want contact. The fact that we don't have sex seems largely irrelevant as she is one of the 3 most important people in my life!
 
Do you want sex in the picture?
Do you want another romance like in the early days with your bf?
Do you want to navigate all the difficulties of communication and conflicting needs and nipping competition in the bud? Do you want to work on yourself?

If it's a no-no-no, poly is certainly not for you. Even if it's a yes-yes-no, you should probably not be doing it.

I agree that it's harder to find close friends without romance though. Regularity helps - see a person or group every week for no other reason then 'it's tuesday', and you will develop a bond.
 
I guess I find suggesting poly odd because to me you sound like you just want to be able to shoot the breeze. And I do that with my friends. Just call up to say "Hi, I'm bored. Want to chat or hang out?"

What stops you from shooting the breeze with your friends? Why do you feel unable? :confused:

If it is your BF who wants to go poly, he could say so. Rather than sounding like he's inching you along into it or something.

Besides... say you go poly. Then what? You still have the problem of not being able to shoot the breeze with your friends how you want. Sort out the friends if you want to sort out the friends. Do poly if you want to do poly. But don't do poly in order to SKIP sorting out the friends.

Galagirl
 
Regularity helps - see a person or group every week for no other reason then 'it's tuesday', and you will develop a bond.

That's funny, my sister has 3 female friends she sees every Tuesday for lunch. She likes schedules.

But conversely, I discussed this issue with my partner Pixie, and she said she had close platonic gfs in college, her housemates, but since then (she's 41) she hasn't maintained those kinds of relationships with them or any others. She has told me, she wishes she had local friends that "would just stop by" unannounced to hang out. But of course, wishing doesn't make it happen. You've got to create it.

She's got me and her bf to be emotionally intimate with. She has lots of friendly coworkers, but she rarely hangs out with them. People find her hard to get in touch with... she goes through funks, I know, where she doesn't even return texts from people who are trying to reach out. She's introverted.
 
I agree that it's harder to find close friends without romance though. Regularity helps - see a person or group every week for no other reason then 'it's tuesday', and you will develop a bond.

This is _absolutely_ true - it's basically how my chosen family formed. I mean, literally a person that I consider to be my gay older brother, I didn't even _like_ when we first met, but because we were part of the same interest group with Monday night meetings _every_ week, we got to know each other and now he's an important part of my life.

Part of why I was adrift so badly when I met HipsterBoy back in the day was that Knight and I having a child disrupted that social group, a lot, as did some other people having kids and/or moving - there was a huge gap in my life where these people weren't there anymore.
 
Huh. I do that on a regular basis with my friends. It's normal for me to send a message every once in a while just to catch up. I would say I am more likely just to want to connect, than to have an actual reason.

I like having intimate friendships and I put a lot of emotional energy into mine. I am well aware that I put more into some of my friendships than some people do into their romantic relationships. I'm okay with that- it means I have people who I know we always have each other's backs.

I don't think it has anything to do with poly though, unless you want it to.
 
Hmmm, I am very introverted - yet I've managed to maintain a handful of close friendships with people I've known for many years, decades in some instances. The people I speak of are and have never been lovers, but good, platonic friends. We are not necessarily *always* in touch, but when we do talk, it's like no time has passed and we can discuss anything or nothing, depending on our mood at the time.

Admittedly, due to being so introverted (and lately, pretty agoraphobic), I tend to maintain friendships via online messaging rather than in person or phone calls. Yet this works and because it's "instant", it's actually easier to just launch into a "no particular reason or subject" type of conversation.

Say, I've just watched a great movie, or something political has bugged me - I can just message one of my good online friends and ask for their thoughts, right out of the blue, without there being any obligation on their part to get back to me straight away. My online friends and I often engage in back-and-forth banter and deeper conversation about actual issues in this manner. It's great!

When it comes to "real world" platonic connections of the non-sexual variety - I agree with some of the posters above, who believe it's important not to put ALL one's emotional eggs in one basket.

For one thing, if your romantic partner is your ONLY source of emotional connection, you risk overloading them with your every feeling, problem, issue (mundane or otherwise), over time. Moreover, you only ever get ONE outside perspective on whatever-it-is you wish to receive feedback or advice about. It's good to at least have the opportunity to glean a variety of perspectives on issues that are discussion-worthy, I find.

In this regard, I have a small but diverse range of real life connections I can discuss deeper issues with, including: both my partners, my ex-husband, my two grown children and my daughter's best friend, my brother and sister, two or three old friends who I've known since school days, and a couple of friends I've made and managed to keep since having my children.

But in general, it's usually my partners, my daughter (who lives with me) and/or my closer online friends who I hit up for advice or convo on deeper matters, just because they're almost always available to talk.

I'm not suggesting everyone ought to conduct their relationships and/or friendships in the same vein as I do, though I also don't believe it's necessary to seek out other romantic/sexual relationships simply in order to have other people with whom to share the ups and downs of life. If that is truly the ONLY way (only people) you'll feel comfortable debriefing about life issues with, Rygel, then perhaps you might do some further reading about polyamory to see if this is REALLY what you want/need.

But please, do not go into an additional "romantic" relationship with an agenda that is more suited to platonic friendship needs, unless you are fully invested in having that other person become an intimate romantic/sexual partner. If the close friendship is your sole objective, you'd be better off seeking out better/more compatible friendships. In the same vein, do not be coerced into polyamory because your husband (might have been) already thinking of opening the marriage, and your confession about needing intimate friends was the "excuse" he needed to bring up the subject without feeling guilty. Give it some deep thought and be honest with yourself about your needs.
 
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