Can an A partner survive becoming B?

Gunnar

New member
Assume a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. It's monogamous and they are happy together. The love between them are strong, they are recently married and neither have ever cheated on the other etc. They have been in love for many years, are the best of friends, lovers and very close to each other. Neither have any previous experience with polyarmory.

Then one day another man enters their lives, the woman falls for him instantly and begins a B-relationship with consent from her A-partner, as long as she agrees to keep it as a B-relation.

A few months later their relationship has grown and the woman then asks her A-partner (who she still loves) to become her B-partner instead while she begins a fresh new A-relationship with the new one.

My question is:
Can the former A-partner survive this or is it doomed to be a failure?
 
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So your wife *does* want you to be her cuckold after all?

I told you in your other thread. Let her go bang the farmer and move on with your life. It's not like she's the mother of your kids. In five years, she'll be bored with Farmer Big Dick and be putting him through the same damn thing.

Never mind this A and B relationship stuff.

Search for dingedheart's early posts for an idea of what you can expect.
 
I think the first mistake here was that they labeled the relationships as “A” and “B” to begin with.
 
So your wife *does* want you to be her cuckold after all?

Not sure exactly what she wants with me except that she doesn't want to break up with me. Since I am not cuckold I have serious problems with being demoted from A to B.

But my question was real: Can a former A survive being demoted to B, assuming he is not a cuckold or self abusive or something?
 
Gunnar,

What do you want?

Anything else is window dressing.

Decide what you want and you can then guide yourself by those values, needs and wants. What do you want for the only life you get?

Do you want to be monogamous?

Can you be with a polyamorous partner?

Can you be with *this* partner in *this* situation?

Is your partner willing to compromise and accommodate your needs? Do they listen to you? Do you listen to them/

How much can you accommodate your partner without damaging yourself? (Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It's a cliche but a true one.)
 
I've heard rare tales of partners being "demoted" and it working out.

But the way I see it is... it will only work if YOU (I mean, partner A) can accept being demoted in all areas (emotionally, time spent together, no longer getting *all* their needs met by their spouse) and no longer living together as mono husband/wife).

If Partner A decides they can live with the drastically changed dynamics, they may come to the realisation that they can make good use of the extra time and love they now have available (once the spouse moves in with Partner B - now the New A), by putting that extra time/love/energy into other areas of their life. If so, it *could potentially* work.

("Other areas of life" could mean another partner, work, time with children, friends, family, a new hobby or interest.)

But like I said, it would be a rare instance in which the original Partner A doesn't feel overwhelmed by feelings of being demoted ("less than" the other partner; less than they were before), wracked with envy and loneliness.

A lot depends on the level of time and attention the (former?) wife is willing to allot to her (new) secondary partner now that living arrangements have changed. If she's still all ga-ga gushy over the new man and barely heeds the existence of her former primary, it will NOT work out.

If she's willing to play fair, communicate well, and take both partner's needs into consideration... there may be potential. But once again, Partner A-now-B really needs to do some heavy soul-searching and be honest with himself about whether or not he is even willing to try, let alone able to handle it.
 
Let's see... Butch who I have been legally married to for 17 years is an A relationship. And Murf who I have stood in front of friends and family and made him my husband too 6 and a half years ago is also an A relationship.

Neither of my husbands hold a higher place in my life that the other.

Neither one has to be a B for it to work.
 
Hi Gunnar,

I think the question is, Can the A-partner become a B-partner *and be happy* as a B-partner? He could try life as a B-partner for a few months, see if he is happy as a B, and if he is not, well, what should he do then? He could passively stand by and let life happen to him, or he could take action of his own choosing. He could become an advocate for his own happiness.

Also, in theory there should be no reason why the wife cannot have two A-partners *instead of* an A and a B. She still has to divide up her time, but she can do that in a way that is fair to *both* men. The A-now-B partner has been faithful and good to her, there is no reason why he should have to be demoted. She doesn't want to break up with him, so, shouldn't she treat him in such a way that he will want to stay?

And now the real question, Do *you* want to be a B-partner? Anyone can survive a demotion ... but can you survive and be happy?

Something to think about.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Can a monogamous relationship between two married people be anything else but A and A?
That very much depends on
1) your definition of 'monogamous' and 'marriage'
2) what you want out of your relationship
But my question was real: Can a former A survive being demoted to B, assuming he is not a cuckold or self abusive or something?
I think the general answer is: yes, valid reasons to accept being the second partner exist. Especially if it's not a lifetime marriage thing, but a situational arrangement from which you eventually move on (e.g. into being non-monogamous yourself).

It's certainly rare for a person to be happily monogamous and secondary, but I think we even do have an example on this forum (extremely introverted husband).

BUT, the reasons for accepting such an arrangement certainly could lie in a lack of self-respect, in self-abuse.

Gunar, you will have to be brutally honest - not necessarily with us, but with yourself - about your own reasons. Can you find good, non-stressful reasons to be in this arrangement instead of leaving? Or are you just coping by following old patterns?

Certainly do get individual counseling. Therapists can help immensely with identifying functional ws dysfunctional behavior and uncovering the rules.
 
Tinwen, not sure if you're referring to me (I do have an extremely introverted monogamous husband), but I wouldn't consider my husband to be secondary, mainly because I don't do hierarchy in relationships. He and my boyfriend are both, to use the OP's terminology, my "A" partners.

I really don't like that terminology, though, because I don't like ranking people. No one in my life is any more or less important than anyone else; they're just important in different ways.

I'm not sure I understand why there's any ranking going on in the OP's situation to begin with, though I do realize some people do their poly that way. (I don't understand it with anyone, but I accept it happens.) And I definitely don't understand why the original A partner has to become a B partner in order for the woman to have an A relationship with the other partner. The whole point of poly is that you can have more than one relationship. No one has to be greater or lesser than anyone else involved.
 
If you agreed to primary- secondary and you are the primary? And now she's changing the deal? The old deal is over. There is nothing to survive. It's over.

You do NOT have to sign up for a new deal where you are now the secondary partner. If you aren't into that? Don't sign up.

I would ask you... if this is a relationship you have to struggle to "survive" being in it? Then maybe it's ok letting it go so you don't have battle any more. Don't have to struggle any more. :(

I think you guys have basically grown apart. And it kinda sounds like her pattern if I remember right from your other post. Around 5 years? She's moving on to the next person.

So I think a clean parting would be best. Then you don't uproot your kids or you nor upset yourself longer than needed here.

Please don't bend yourself into pretzels trying to make it work if it just doesn't and this isn't how you want to be living. :(

Galagirl
 
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From what I recall this is not of your making, your desire or your idea. I think a person MAY be able to transition from one status to another if that's what they want, they are supported and prepared. Some of us, not all, have transitioned from mono to something else be it poly, open or whatever. But, but, but in most of those successful cases I think we wanted to. It was discussed, mutually agreed, communicated, supported, worked on together etc. Essentially it was ethical.

In your case from what I've read this has been forced on you. It's not been discussed or agreed. It's basically a fait accompli. It's not ethical or even consensual and I don't see how it can ever work.

It looks like your relationship is over if this route continues (or is already over) and you need to address that.
 
If you agreed to primary- secondary and you are the primary? And now she's changing the deal? The old deal is over. There is nothing to survive. It's over.

You do NOT have to sign up for a new deal where you are now the secondary partner. If you aren't into that? Don't sign up.

I would ask you... if this is a relationship you have to struggle to "survive" -- maybe it's ok letting it go so you don't have to battle any more.

I think you guys have basically grown apart. And it kinda sounds like her pattern if I remember right from your other post. Around 5 years? She's moving on to the next person.

So I think a clean parting would be best. Then you don't uproot your kids or you nor upset yourself longer than needed here.


Galagirl

Gunner,

Please read that again from Gala Girl. Leave the alphabet out of it. Your wife not only changed the deal, has made the requirements for you to even be in the picture to uproot yourself and move to a farm to please her. Suppose you do that. Do you own the farm??? So anytime you are not needed what stoped Farmenr Guy from asking you to leave. ??

From what I recall this is not of your making, your desire or your idea. I think a person MAY be able to transition from one status to another if that's what they want, they are supported and prepared. Some of us, not all, have transitioned from mono to something else be it poly, open or whatever. But, but, but in most of those successful cases I think we wanted to. It was discussed, mutually agreed, communicated, supported, worked on together etc. Essentially it was ethical.

In your case from what I've read this has been forced on you. It's not been discussed or agreed. It's basically a fait accompli. It's not ethical or even consensual and I don't see how it can ever work.

It looks like your relationship is over if this route continues (or is already over) and you need to address that.


Theres another piece of fact. Where is the consent here in this little arrangement. She gets to change the goalposts at will by falling in love instanteously???

I would work on YOU , and find out what makes you even willing to consider being so dependent on this woman that you will subject yourself to these demands. You do NOT need to buy into this that since you had threesomes that you have no rights.

Not sure what the divorce laws are in Scandanavia. You need to find out.

And leave the "cuckold" word out of this. You don't seem to be enjoying this at all and do not seem to be a happy camper. A "cuckold' would be thrilled with her proposal.
 
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Can a monogamous relationship between two married people be anything else but A and A?

If the marriage is monogamous? Sure, of course you can decide to put each other first. But we aren’t talking about a monogamous marriage, we’re talking about a non-monogamous marriage.

She started a relationship with “B” with an agreement with “A” that “B” would never become more than a secondary partner. What I am saying is that the agreement to always keep one relationship in a “denoted” position — and the entire thinking that only one person can be “A” and that the other person must be “B” — is the mistake that was made here.
 
Oh. So you didn't leave the board after all.

You in fact started a whole new thread with no background information, re-asking the same questions you had in your original thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107562

You got advice and 3 pages of ATTENTION on your other thread. The consensus was, if the entire thing isn't a porn fantasy, you should tell your wife, no, you want to be her mono husband, you're not moving to her new bf's farm, nor taking YOUR kids to it. Yes, she's high on NRE. Yes, she seems to have a pattern of dumping men after 5 years. Blah blah blah

Polyamory is an adult relationship form based on mutual respect and consent of ALL parties. Your wife made the decision to start a relationship with this new bigger dicked, "better in every way" (according to you) man, without your consent.

It is not poly. It is cheating. Your "amazing" wife is cheating on you and treating you like shit. Your sad tale doesn't really belong on this board. No one thinks it's polyamory. You'd get sympathy on a board that deals with cheating. And you'd be told to let your wife leave. You're getting the same advice here.

No one has a magic bullet to give you to get your wife to forget Farmer Big Dick and come back to you. She's made her choice. He's A rated, because he has a big dick and a farm. She has lost interest in you. She even humiliates you by showing you her texts to the Farmer where she gushes over how much she loves his huge dick and better sex skills, in all her "holes."

THIS IS NOT POLYAMORY. You're not taking the advice of the people who do not think you're a troll. You just seem to be seeking attention.

Go see a therapist.
 
No one thinks it's polyamory. You'd get sympathy on a board that deals with cheating.

I have 0% knowledge of polyamorism. I have 0% knowledge of what others might think about it. A month ago was the first time I ever heard about it when she claimed to me that she had discovered she was poly.

Where do you think I would go first to find some answers? Of course to the #1 forum about poly. Is that so strange?

I'm sorry I somehow have made you annoyed and angry but let me tell you one thing: I don't give a flying fuck about what you think of me. If you don't like me asking serious questions hoping to get answers from people with more experience than me, then just don't read or reply.

Thankfully there are people here with bigger hearts than you so I will listen to them instead. At least they seem more interested in helping than pushing me down further.

Please don't ever reply to me again. You are NOT a kind person.
 
Please don't ever reply to me again.
There's a way to block Magdlyn if that's what you really want to do.

But she's got some points. Your wife has lost interest in you. She's just using "poly" as a cover up. That's incredibly sad, but nothing we can effectively help with.

Rebuilding a life for yourself is the way to go. If this is difficult to do, and it is, working on yourself in therapy is a really good idea.
 
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I agree it looks like a cover, maybe she thinks she's poly. Maybe she is, but it certainly isn't ethical polyamory.

I think it's fair for you or anyone who is introduced to poly to come on here and ask what it means. However, the consensus seems that what you are experiencing is not poly as most of us would recognise. People's poly relationships will vary and I've met poly people whose relationships include all sorts of scenarios including all types and shapes of relationships including open relationships,cuckolding, partner sharing, sex friends, group sex etc etc but always always ethical and consensual. Your situation is neither ethical or consensual.

Your partner seems to simply be cheating on you, and anything else seems a lame excuse for it.
 
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