What do you do when someone cancels on you?

For the second time now, Whiskers has had to reschedule on me. The first time he told me about 5 days in advance and apologized that he forgot he had theater tickets with a friend. The second time was for tomorrow and we had daytime plans for some time when we would both be able to be free from work — and then a meeting got scheduled last-minute and now he can’t make it.

Both times, I had made plans accordingly taking into account these dates when planning time with others. And then when he cancelled I wasn’t sure what to do — should I try to see if Ponytail wants to hang out now that I am unexpectedly available? Is that weird? Like I am giving Ponytail “leftover Whiskers dates”? It feels weird to just sit at home when I’d love to see Ponytail with the additional time, but it also feels weirdly disrespectful to ask someone out for a time when you were originally scheduled to be with someone else....

Am I overthinking this?

ETA: I should add that Ponytail knew about my plans with Whiskers both times. It had come up when I was making plans with Ponytail — he suggested these times and I said, “I have plans with Whiskers then, but I could do ____ I if that works for you?” So an impromptu date proposal to Ponytail would come with the explanation that my date with Whiskers had been rescheduled.
 
Last edited:
For me, it depends on the validity of the reason and how often "things come up". Canceling for work or kids reasons is always valid. Forgotten tickets would be fine on one occasion. Being very sick is also fine, for a sniffle I give the other person the option to cancel, you never know about immunity systems for themselves or others in their circle.

If it keeps happening then I would take it that their method of scheduling and mine and are not in sync.

Canceling something is not something I do lightly or do I expect the person I am seeing to do lightly.

As a fellow parent and a full time worker, my free time is limited and one of most precious commodities. I wrangled over how to deal with flaky friends for years and the result is that I have very little patience with it anymore.

If Ponytail is fine with impromptu dates, then that is a great, ask him how he feels about it? My guess is he won't be happy if Whiskers keeps canceling because it will make you sad.

Have you shared with Whiskers that sticking to the schedule is important to you? MHO is give it a bit longer but it becomes a pattern then...
 
Last edited:
Is it twice in a row, or were there other Whiskers dates in between the cancellations?

If you've seen him since the ticket business, I'd say you're overthinking this.

If it's twice in a row, I'd be leary... and wonder if perhaps he views his time as more valuable than yours. I wouldn't panic just yet though. Give it another couple of weeks and see if it happens again, then base any decision you might choose to make on how often he cancels dates and what reason he gives.

Even if the reasons are genuine, I would soon tire of someone cancelling on me relatively often.
 
Is it twice in a row, or were there other Whiskers dates in between the cancellations?

If you've seen him since the ticket business, I'd say you're overthinking this.

If it's twice in a row, I'd be leary... and wonder if perhaps he views his time as more valuable than yours. I wouldn't panic just yet though. Give it another couple of weeks and see if it happens again, then base any decision you might choose to make on how often he cancels dates and what reason he gives.

Even if the reasons are genuine, I would soon tire of someone cancelling on me relatively often.

I think i wasn’t clear about what it is that I am asking. I am not asking what to do about the Whiskers situation, but rather what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?
 
Last edited:
I think i wasn’t clear about what it is that I am asking. I am. It asking what to do about the Whiskers situation, but rather what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?

I'm sorry, the title of the thread might've thrown me off.

I'd do what Atlantis suggested and ask Ponytail himself, ahead of time, how he feels about the issue. Just say, "if I have plans with Whiskers (or Glasses or anyone else for that matter) and they get cancelled for whatever reason, would you feel odd about me asking you if you'd like to do something on the spur of the moment? Because I really like spending time with you, and if my schedule opens up unexpectedly, I wouldn't want you to feel weird about it."

That way, it's up to him. If he happens to know you had prior plans and who with, but he's already agreed that it's okay for you to ask him out if plans change abruptly, then I'd take him at his word. Even so, there is a chance he might feel differently in the moment, but he can always say so if you've been open and honest about the possibility and reasons up front.
 
what to do about making plans with Ponytail if Whiskers (or anyone else) cancels on me. Like, does it make someone feel like a “backup plan” if I offer to get together at a time when I had previously said I had plans?

If you are worried about Ponytail maybe feeling like he is "back up plan" -- be on your own this time.

Then later ask Ponytail how he would feel about it in future... should you have called to check if he still wanted to hang out?

Then you can know and RELAX.

Galagirl
 
Hi MsE,

I tend to agree with the others, ask Ponytail how he feels about the topic in general before a specific instance comes up. Does he mind being "the replacement date?" Let him decide.

I personally wouldn't mind being the replacement date, at least I don't think so.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
What if you had plans with a friend and those plans got canceled for any reason. This should be no different. People get sick, their houses blow up from overpressured gas lines, etc. all the time, and then you're all dressed up and no one to hang out with...
 
their houses blow up from overpressured gas lines, etc. all the time, and then you're all dressed up and no one to hang out with...

:eek:

I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories.....but you paint quite the picture. Exactly how often has this happened in your social circle?
 
Thanks everyone! I will ask Ponytail how it would feel so that I know for the future. As it happens, this time When I mentioned that whiskers had canceled ponytail offered to come over and so it worked out smoothly
 
Sounds like it's working out, that's good to hear. :)
 
Personally, I would consider it weird to call up someone I'm involved with and say, "Hey, this other guy I'm seeing canceled on me, are you available?" I would feel like I was using one as a replacement for the other, and I don't like playing "interchangeable parts" with the people I date. A couple of weeks ago, TWO of the other guys I'm seeing canceled on me in the same week (not same day), so I had one night and one full day unexpectedly free. For the night, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to see him since my other plans had fallen through, and I said no, I would rather stay home by myself than use him as a backup plan.

Not long ago, I canceled plans with my boyfriend, and he immediately got in touch with one of his other partners and got together with her that night. I wasn't happy about that, because it caused me to feel like *I* was a replaceable, interchangeable part. I've been on the opposite side of that with him too, where another partner canceled on him and he asked if I wanted to come over. Same thing; that type of thing causes me to feel like the person doing it sees their partners as interchangeable. My boyfriend has explained to me that it's more like "I want to see KC and I want to see my other partner; I can't see them both at the same time, but if KC isn't available, it's awesome to have extra time with the other partner." I don't really understand the distinction, but I get that I'm an exception that way.

As for the "would you feel the same way if it was friends and not partners" question... No, because to me friendship is a far less emotionally intense thing than a relationship. I wouldn't have had an issue if my boyfriend had called a *friend* rather than another partner the night I canceled on him, because a friend doesn't have the same role in his life that I do. Another *partner* does have the same role, so if he slides one into a slot opened up by another, it comes across to me like he views his partners as interchangeable parts rather than individuals. "Open slot A and insert tab B. Oops, tab B isn't available, tab C works just as well."

(Personally, if a friend, or a friend-with-benefits, canceled with me (which was the case with the situation I mentioned in the first paragraph, I would *not* call another friend to see if they're available. But that's more because none of my FWBs are available without advance planning and notice, since they have primaries, and other than them I only have one or two friends I actually hang out with at all.)
 
Pixi and I live together. She usually sees her bf Wed for overnight, and Friday into Sunday as well.

Certainly if her bf had other plans (he rarely does but it happens), whether unexpected or planned, she'd be home with me! We love to be together and I'd welcome the extra time. Unless I had already made plans, of course, with a friend, relative or another partner.

I don't worry about that "back up plan," "interchangeable" aspect as far as this situation goes.
 
I'll generally only call up someone else if I had concrete plans - already purchased event tickets or the like - and REALLY wanted to do whatever the thing was. Even then it's more likely to be a friend than a partner, just because last minute childcare tends to be a pain and whichever of my partners cancels on me, taking the other one out instead _probably_ involves it (If Knight has to cancel something, he's probably also not available for kid care; if Artist has to cancel, taking Knight out requires a sitter).
 
...my boyfriend asked if I wanted to see him since my other plans had fallen through, and I said no, I would rather stay home by myself than use him as a backup plan.

I like time to myself so ... if I didn't want to spend time with someone I just probably wouldn't mention that my plans had been cancelled until after the fact. I could see how someone in your boyfriend's position could feel put out that I would rather spend time alone than with them if I had the opportunity.

As for the "would you feel the same way if it was friends and not partners" question... No, because to me friendship is a far less emotionally intense thing than a relationship. I wouldn't have had an issue if my boyfriend had called a *friend* rather than another partner the night I canceled on him, because a friend doesn't have the same role in his life that I do.

Ah. For me, friendships ARE relationships, I only have a few and they are probably as emotionally intense as my romantic ones. But it doesn't really matter because it wouldn't bother me either way.

**********************************

In answer to the OP - I agree with the others that asking Ponytail what he thinks he would prefer is the way to go. He may just be happy to get the "extra" time. Now, if the ONLY time you ask to see him are when other people cancel, that would be a different matter. ("You only want to see me when you don't have any other better options.") Or if you expected him to cancel HIS other plans in order to spend time with you because you are now free. (Which I can't imagine that you would ever do! But some stories on these boards ... wife's date gets cancelled so husband has to cancel his date because they only see other people when their primary is otherwise engaged. Bah.)
 
Back
Top