Husband wants "just sex" with other women.

Hi, GalaGirl.

Thank you for responding. He said if we DID do a separation, he'd want it for a year, but I was the one who was kind of nervous of separating for that long.

He definitely wants to have someone on the side and continue to enjoy our relationship as it has been. He told me he doesn't want the me I've been in these last few weeks where I've been upset and crying. He wants the me I used to before all this and he wants the old me if he ends up sleeping with other women. Whereas I feel that I need to distance myself emotionally somewhat to protect myself from the heartache I'm currently feeling and will undoubtedly feel if he does this.

There has been tremendous upheaval for me. I know that he brought this stuff up in the past, but he always made it seem like it was something he could deal with because his relationship with me was more important. I've read books on evolution and human nature and I've accepted that men are likely programmed to want to spread their seed. I want to eat fries all the time because we're programmed to want to eat as much fat and sugar as we can, but I fight against that because that drive isn't good for us in our modern lives. I'm not saying his feelings aren't legitimate, but it's more that he made it seem like it was just something he had and could continue to deal with.
 
He definitely wants to have someone on the side and continue to enjoy our relationship as it has been. He told me he doesn't want the me I've been in these last few weeks where I've been upset and crying. He wants the me I used to before all this and he wants the old me if he ends up sleeping with other women.

Whereas I feel that I need to distance myself emotionally somewhat to protect myself from the heartache I'm currently feeling and will undoubtedly feel if he does this.

He wants all this change. He brings all this upheaval. And then he wants you to slap a smile on your face and get with the new program stat? :confused:

If that is how he meant that, I don't think it is very compassionate. :(

I think you could go with what YOU need most at this time.

NOTHING here smells like roses. If there was a rose smelling choice, you'd be on it already. I think the least stinky sounding choice is to give yourself the distance that you need and go for the year's separation. Then get yourself counseling to help you with the heartache and healing in that "thinking deeply" year.

You will find out in a year's time if you still want to be married with him and try again -- be it in a Close Marriage or in an Open Marriage. Or if you prefer being separate and then finish the separating in the form of a divorce.

It's a crossroads moment for sure.

Galagirl
 
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He wants all this change. He brings all this upheaval. And then he wants you to slap a smile on your face and get with the new program stat? :confused:

If that is how he meant that, I don't think it is very compassionate. :(

I think you could go with what YOU need. If he's up for a year separation and you want some distance from all this? And it was more you that was hesitating?

NOTHING here smells like roses. If there was a rose smelling choice, you'd be on it already. I think the least stinky sounding choice is to give yourself the distance that you need and go for the year's separation. Then get yourself counseling to help you with the heartache and healing.

You will find out in a year's time if you still want to be married with him and try again -- be it Close Marriage or Open Marriage.

Or if you prefer being separate and then finish the separating in the form of a divorce.

It's a crossroads moment for sure.

Galagirl

Thank you! I know I keep thanking you, but what you're saying to me is very meaningful and it makes me feel less terrible. These last few weeks, I was thinking that I was just being stubborn, old-fashioned, possessive, or close-minded.

I might just share what you wrote with him so he can see that it's not just me being overly emotional and old-fashioned that's causing this to be so difficult.
 
These last few weeks, I was thinking that I was just being stubborn, old-fashioned, possessive, or close-minded.

You have your values and how you prefer to run your life and your romances. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting monogamy if you like that model best. Just that he might no longer be the guy to do it with.

Is he calling you those things ---- stubborn, old-fashioned, possessive, or close-minded -- like it's supposed to be put downs or something? Is that happening here? :(

I might just share what you wrote with him so he can see that it's not just me being overly emotional and old-fashioned that's causing this to be so difficult.

Why bother? When he can just go "Why you listen to internet strangers?" and dismiss it all. And it's true. You don't have to listen to me or anyone else.

I think you could listen more to the quiet voice inside YOU:

Whereas I feel that I need to distance myself emotionally somewhat to protect myself from the heartache I'm currently feeling and will undoubtedly feel if he does this.

I think AGREEING to separate for a year honors your want to distance yourself. It also skips any new JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) circles that wear you out. Move things FORWARD rather than going for another spin and keeping it in the stuck.

Going for another spin doesn't really change anything. He still wants one thing and you another. Doing another spin just makes you more tired and more sad. Going for another spin doesn't really get you (the rest and separation from these conversations or distance from his "exploring") that you seem to want either.

It's your house, and he's the one who wants changes. Could say "Ok. Let's do a year's separation. You move out. "

Then you are free FROM all this and can change your focus to tending more to YOUR self care. Rather trying to attend to whatever it is he's doing or thinks he wants. He can attend to himself and his stuff. He can be free TO.

Just cuz he wants to take the Bus to Poly Town or Open Town or whatever... you don't have to ride that ride.

If he's busy making a lot "noise" and you cannot hear yourself think because you are full, flooded, run down? You could take a weekend or week away on your own at a hotel to rest and to decide.

But to me it's sounding like separating might be best at this time.

I guess you have to figure out what YOU think is best at this time. I encourage you to do that.

Galagirl
 
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Floor Chicken

Thank you! I know I keep thanking you, but what you're saying to me is very meaningful and it makes me feel less terrible. These last few weeks, I was thinking that I was just being stubborn, old-fashioned, possessive, or close-minded.

I might just share what you wrote with him so he can see that it's not just me being overly emotional and old-fashioned that's causing this to be so difficult.

You are being NONE of the above. You ARE being mentally abused and pressured by your husband who is acting like a spoiled brat and making outrageous demands of you.

There is an old saying, "you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it"

it's time for you to decide what you are willing to do and not do. You cannot control him but you can control your reaction to his demands.
 
Floor Chicken

Thank you! I know I keep thanking you, but what you're saying to me is very meaningful and it makes me feel less terrible. These last few weeks, I was thinking that I was just being stubborn, old-fashioned, possessive, or close-minded.

I might just share what you wrote with him so he can see that it's not just me being overly emotional and old-fashioned that's causing this to be so difficult.

You are being NONE of the above. You ARE being mentally abused and pressured by your husband who is acting like a spoiled brat and making outrageous demands of you.

There is an old saying, "you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it"

it's time for you to decide what you are willing to do and not do. You cannot control him but you can control your reaction to his demands.

I agree with this.

What he is doing is not fair. He seems to want his cake and eat it too. He seems to want some nice fuck buddy on tap and you to be waiting back at home with a smile on your face doing the full "Stand by Your Man" routine. From what you have said this is hurting you a lot and you should not continue to put up with it. Full stop.

You are already reluctantly making small concessions after concessions. He seems to be taking each concession and then pushing it to the next. That seems a bit controlling to me. How far can that go? (From what you offered so far I you could imagine once every 3 months, becoming a monthly, becoming once a week, to once a day, to moving in with you, to you in the guest room)

Polyamory isn't for everyone (and that's really fine, were all beautifully different). Don't be forced into it.

If he really wants to be with other women but you can't live with it then you you have to say NO and he has to make a choice. You are not being stubborn. If he goes with other women anyway and you can't or don't want to live with it then you have no choice, you have to look after yourself. You have one life and this is not a rehearsal - a moto he seems to wants to live by too.

I know that is difficult to be firm with someone you love and our some of our advice may sound harsh and difficult...that's the benefit I suppose of detached 3rd party advice.

I do feel really sorry for you. x
 
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