Husband wants "just sex" with other women.

FloorChicken

New member
Hi, everyone. I realize this subject has been beaten to death, but I'm desperate for some advice.

My husband of 10 years has made it clear from the onset that he and other men have a desire to sleep with other women. Over this ten-year period, he's brought up the subject of being in an open relationship frequently, but it's only been in the last few years that both the frequency and urgency has increased.

This last time, he's revealed that he NEEDS to sleep with other women and if he continues on as he has been, he'll slip up and cheat on me eventually. He's told me repeatedly that he loves me, he only wants me, and wants to keep the life we've built together, but we just need to get over this "hurdle." He promises that he can have sex without any kind of emotional attachment. He feels that he's doing the right thing by being honest with me and he was hoping bringing the subject up over and over would lead to my eventually accepting it.

He initially proposed a "don't-ask-don't-tell" arrangement where he would never let it interfere with our time together and I'd be none the wiser. I said absolutely not and furthermore, I would not be sitting at home while he was out with other women. I don't want to date or sleep with other men, but I'll do it if he pushes this. He said that's not ideal for him, but it'd only be fair that I'm allowed to do the same, although he's expressed concerns that I might find someone else and leave him. I told him that's a possibility.

I am monogamous in heart, body, and mind and if there was ever a person who would never cheat or want to sleep with someone else, it'd be me, so naturally I'm struggling with this a great deal. I acknowledge that he may have needs, but I'm not convinced that our relationship wouldn't change despite his proclamations to the contrary. Even if he can have sex without emotional attachment, can the other women? If I sleep with other men, I know I'd get attached. I also don't think I could just allow him to come home and snuggle up with me knowing he'd just slept with another woman.

Despite the great deal of pain I'm experiencing from this, I offered to let him sleep with an escort or a woman he'd never see again because I think that would significantly reduce the chances of any kind of emotional attachment. He didn't like that idea and would prefer to have something more ongoing. This indicates to me, and I told him as much, that if I give him an inch, he'll want a mile. He can tell me he won't get attached all he likes, but we're all human beings and you can't fully predict your emotions in matters such as these.

I spoke to someone online who is polyamorous, and she said that he's living in a fantasy world if he thinks he can just have sex with other women and continue to have the same wonderful and loving relationship he has with me. We really do have a loving and wonderful relationship in every other way, but I'm starting to worry that we're sexually incompatible and we'd be better off with other people who were better aligned with our needs.

He's since decided he's never going to bring this subject up again and he wants to pretend it didn't happen, but I'm concerned he's just resigned himself to cheat on me. We don't have children, I own the home, and I'm financially independent, so I'm not bound to him, but I love him dearly. I'm concerned we're just not compatible and he only loves me as a friend. We used to have sex all the time. Now we have it very infrequently, but I almost never say no to him and I'm quite enthusiastic when it happens--he just never initiates it anymore.

I know this kind of question gets asked and over and over again, but I'm hoping someone can give me insight and I could perhaps get him to read your responses. I don't think what he wants will work because he seems to think we'll just be introducing sex with other people, but our relationship won't change.

Thank you so much!
 
Last edited:
Escorts would certainly be a simple solution to his need for variety.
 
Escorts would certainly be a simple solution to his need for variety.

I think so too, but he says he doesn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t actually want it and he would want it more often than what I’m willing to agree to right now.
 
Where does he suggest he sources these currently hypothetical fuck buddies?
 
That’s a good question. I don’t know. He says he doesn’t have anyone in particular in mind, but I’m sure he knows women at work who like him.
 
Fucking around in the workplace generally only suits a minority of industries.

You also stated you'd look for fuck buddies if he did. Yet you're really devoted to a monogamous lifestyle. Would you be doing it from a sense of revenge?
 
Not just fuck buddies per se, but dates. And yes, it would be out of spite to a great degree because I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.
 
So if he pursues "just sex" then you'd start dating as a soft exit from your marriage? (Basically being sure you had another relationship lined up to go to.) Would it be doable for you to end your current relationship first if it's become untenable for you?
 
We really do have a loving and wonderful relationship in every other way, but I'm starting to worry that we're sexually incompatible and we'd be better off with other people who were better aligned with our needs.

Have you defined your needs? Sounds like he's not really putting out enough at home.
 
So if he pursues "just sex" then you'd start dating as a soft exit from your marriage? (Basically being sure you had another relationship lined up to go to.) Would it be doable for you to end your current relationship first if it's become untenable for you?

Probably yes, if I’m going to be honest. At the back of my mind, I’m convinced this is the end of our marriage anyway because I’m hurt by all this and he’s clearly not happy.
 
Do you see any type of counselling as a way to undo that belief? Or could counselling be a way to ease the transition to separation rather than some guy you may or may not start dating (who may then be called a home wrecker by his friends and family)?
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear. :eek:

This situation doesn't sound very good. :(

My husband of 10 years has made it clear from the onset that he and other men have a desire to sleep with other women

I wondered why you married him if you prefer monogamy?

He's told me repeatedly that he loves me, he only wants me, and wants to keep the life we've built together, but we just need to get over this "hurdle."

If it is SO much of a hurdle to him i wonder why he married you? Only to bug you about it for 10 years?

We don't have children, I own the home, and I'm financially independent, so I'm not bound to him,

Is it that he's bored, but he still wants to keep all the things you provide?

He feels that he's doing the right thing by being honest with me and he was hoping bringing the subject up over and over would lead to my eventually accepting it.

I'm not sure how "loving and wonderful" that behavior is. To me it sounds like bugging you FOR TEN YEARS with the hopes of you “giving in” to make him stop haranguing. That's bullying to me.

We really do have a loving and wonderful relationship in every other way, but I'm starting to worry that we're sexually incompatible and we'd be better off with other people who were better aligned with our needs.

I think you call it correctly. You want monogamy and just one lover, he wants several lovers. I think you both WOULD be better off with people more aligned with your needs rather than trying to "square peg round hole."

This last time, he's revealed that he NEEDS to sleep with other women and if he continues on as he has been, he'll slip up and cheat on me eventually.

Then believe him. He is telling you that he can no longer maintain monogamous agreements. You are being given the heads up. You cannot meet his need for variety because you are not Magic. You cannot turn yourself into several people. Limit of the Universe.

Rather than hobble along, could address this problem NOW.

He's since decided he's never going to bring this subject up again and he wants to pretend it didn't happen, but I'm concerned he's just resigned himself to cheat on me.

I doubt he can share sex with a regular partner without feelings forming. I doubt he can just bury thing if it has been bugging him for 10 years. He's telling you he's starting to crack. Could listen.

Since you don't want Open? Rather than "allowing" escort sex just let it all go. Because escort sex isn't the monogamous relating YOU want.

Could let the marriage come to a peaceful parting so he doesn't have to be cheating and you don't have to deal with pain from being cheated on or escorts or any of that. This marriage as is, is no longer a good fit for either of you. Rather than "save the marriage" -- could "save the health of people" instead.

Dissolving the marriage, while painful, allows him to be free TO pursue whoever without cheating on agreements. It also allows you to be free FROM all that. I think the health of the people matters more than the marriage continuing as "married." It's nice if "til death do us part" means physical death because one partner has passed. Sometimes it means "spiritual death" because the partners have grown too far apart. No longer matching values. No longer kindred spirits.

I don't think what he wants will work because he seems to think we'll just be introducing sex with other people, but our relationship won't change.

It's already changed. You don't trust him not to cheat now, and you see him in a different light. Plus neither is happy here.

If nothing else? It won't be monogamous any more and you prefer monogamous relating. You would be going against your own grain and that's no good. He's already been going against his. Don't you pile on and go against yours.

At the back of my mind, I’m convinced this is the end of our marriage anyway because I’m hurt by all this and he’s clearly not happy.

I'm sorry you both are unhappy. But I think you are right. It's the start of the end.

I don't think you guys are compatible if he wants to be free TO sleep with lots of people and you want to be free FROM any of that and wish to have monogamous relating.
These are fundamental values one does not compromise on. You can compromise on small stuff like toothpaste -- one brand for him, another for you. But core values? What you seek in life? That's something else. You only get the one life. You don't get a dress rehearsal.

You are not bound to him since you are financially independent. You aren't happy, he isn't happy. Why drag it out?

When all the choices stink? Pick the one that stinks least. To me that is breaking up now as peacefully as possible rather than taking "the long way around" and clocking heartache and heart break and THEN breaking up. Dragging it out doesn't help anything.

Better a peaceful break up like "Look, we have grown apart and want different things now" than a drama filled one like "You cheater! You are sleeping around on the sly!"

If he's been honest with you about his need for variety? You could be honest back about you not wanting to deal with any of that stuff and that you prefer to part ways. Then get on to parting.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Quote:
He feels that he's doing the right thing by being honest with me and he was hoping bringing the subject up over and over would lead to my eventually accepting it.

...


I'm not sure how "loving and wonderful" that behavior is. To me it sounds like bugging you FOR TEN YEARS with the hopes of you “giving in” to make him stop haranguing. That's bullying to me.

I disagree. He set the expectation at the beginning of the relationship clearly with some faith that it would be realised in due course. He hasn't given up and thrown in the towel in either direction (leaving or losing his own hope), he's simply voiced his original wish.

Sex with other women (who are not paid for the pleasure) does seem to be the hill to die on. That's okay, sometimes there are no compromises. If there really aren't, then take the love you do have for each other and be nice when parting ways.

If, however, you don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater (I'm going for a record of idioms here) then it's time to do some soul searching about why sexual fidelity is the value that appears to exceed other qualities of the relationship and what it is you want (big picture) from the relationship.
 
Re (from FloorChicken):
"My husband of ten years has made it clear from the onset that he and other men have a desire to sleep with other women."

Does he mean that *all* men want to sleep with other women? because I'm pretty sure that men exist who are hardwired for monogamy. We've met more than a few of them on these very boards.

Your husband needs to realize that your marriage *will* change, even if he manages to have "just sex" with other women without developing any emotional attachments (which is highly unlikely). The most important thing that will change is, he will be acting against your wishes; that is, without your consent. Oh you may technically go along with it, but that's only because you figure he'll cheat if you don't go along with it. So, he is forcing you to do this.

It saddens me that he does not seem to have much appreciation for you. You have been a good wife to him for many years and have not cheated (nor even wanted to cheat). He has lost interest in you, and wants to cling to the marriage while hooking up with other women in whom he is interested. Highly unfair. If he keeps it up, he will lose you eventually.

I do not know what words I could say that would convince him that he is in the wrong. The only thing I can say is that he needs to think long and hard about whether this is all worth it to him. Presumably there is something about you that he values, or he would have divorced you already. Is that what he wants -- a divorce?

I'm sorry that he is putting you through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am in basically the same boat. I was in denial about the way he's wired, so after years of hoping it would go away, we have been having discussions that it won't. So now what? He doesn't have any prospects lined up, we've only just started scratching the surface of how this is supposed to work. And, yes, I know I'll be super uncomfortable about cuddling with him after he's gone and done his thing.
 
I am in basically the same boat. I was in denial about the way he's wired, so after years of hoping it would go away, we have been having discussions that it won't. So now what? He doesn't have any prospects lined up, we've only just started scratching the surface of how this is supposed to work. And, yes, I know I'll be super uncomfortable about cuddling with him after he's gone and done his thing.
There are options, all are hard
1) He does "his thing" and you'll be super uncomfortable over and over again for years (not recommended at all).
2) He stays monogamous and super uncomfortable (not recommended either).
3) You do the work on changing your entire belief system around relationships so that it doesn't make you uncomfortable anymore. (This may or may not be possible, even under the best circumstances takes willingness and a few times of being super uncomfortable and brutal honesty and at least a year of time ... but it doesn't have to be all bad, there may be rewards to this option if you do enjoy personal growth. Oh, and he has to be super patient and super hard working on his own shadows too, to be the great partner deserving of this inner work you do.)
4) He changes his entire belief system about monogamy. (May or may not be possible, see above. Anyways, not an option in your control, and sounds like maybe he has already tried.)
5) You divorce as amicably as possible.


I'm sorry I can't really offer you an easy solution.
 
Last edited:
Floorchicken and monowife, I am sorry you are both suffering.

As a hardwired poly woman, I do feel there are many of us out there, male and female, who desire multiple partners for sex and/or romantic emotional attachments. After all, if you look into history at all, you can see open relationships, and sex workers, and courtesans, and polygyny (very little polyandry), and cheating, and various other configurations have been with mankind forever. And our closest primate relatives as well, are promiscuous. And science finds more and more mammals in general, do NOT have one sex partner their entire lives.

We had a sexual revolution in the late 1960s that is still developing. Marriage rates are dropping, people are marrying later, divorce is common, people have many more sex partners over the course of their lives than 50- 100 years ago, etc.

So, I am saying, the desire for variety in sex/love partners is normal for many or most of us, however uncomfortable or surprising that may seem to you both right now.

In this era of more female empowerment, believe it or not, the modern polyamory movement is led by WOMEN. We do not NEED to commit to one man for our entire lives to ensure financial stability and physical protection for us and our children. Therefore we are able to choose to have multiple male partners. And it's OK to be gay (or bisexual, or pansexual) now too. So we can also choose to romantically/sexually bond to other women (or non-binary folks) if that is our desire.

That said, it's just a fact that higher testosterone levels lead to a greater sex drive. And men have lots more T than women. And gay men are much more likely to have open relationships and multiple sex partners than women. And they are more likely to have "sex only" relationships with other men.

Women's hormones lead them to want attachment and bonding and stability, however, even if we do not have kids, or need money, etc.

So there's a chance a married man could have "sex only" relationships with other partners. If he's gay it's pretty easy to find other men to fuck, at least in good sized cities. I guess those women seeking no strings sex are found in bars and clubs too. But drunken sex can more likely lead to unsafe sex practices, so that is a concern.

I suppose there are a good amount of women wanting no strings sex. Maybe young women not ready to breed, or older women who have had their kids and aren't seeking someone to raise kids with. After all, it is easier to raise kids with a steady partner. (A village is better, and some women find they can create a network to help raise their kids. But that's another issue.)

I was married to a man for over 30 years. He was mono. I am poly. But I suppressed it to keep us together. I never cheated. Since we split I have had many male and female sex and love partners (and one long term partnership with a woman, that is in its 10th year. Lots of love, lots of sex).

My ex and I keep in touch. I know he has had only ONE gf this entire time since we broke up and divorced. Actually he met her 20 years ago, since we opened our relationship (which didn't go great) before we split. It's a long story... but anyway.

I can't have "meaningless no strings" sex. I want ongoing relationships. Sadly none of my partnerships with men since my divorce have lasted more than 2.5 years. I've had some heartbreak. I've had lots of fun too.

But enough about me. I just wanted to give some historical and personal background, in case it helps you wade through this unfamiliar morass of considering an open relationship. It sounds like the men, your husbands, aren't quite polyAMOROUS. They want sex only, no feelings. But then again, they don't want one night stands that are completely wham bam thank you ma'am. And... this is all hypothetical, so who knows??? :rolleyes:

Either way, it sucks, for the mono partners/wives. Definitely extremely painful.

One more note: both of you have stated you wouldn't want to cuddle with your husband right after he's "slept with" (fucked) another. This is common even in poly/poly relationships. Quite often a partner may not want to immediately cuddle or fuck their partner who has just returned from a sex date. (OTOH some people find this a turn on...). Some people need, say, 24 hours, to want to be intimate (cuddle or fuck) a partner who has had a date involving sex. Others desire it, and still others have no issue one way or another. They don't find it a turn on or a turn off to have sex with a partner who's had a date including sex. (My partner and I are in this category. Our dates with others are so frequent it's just not a big deal, it's just normal, it's just how our relationship has always been.)

As GG suggests, divorce might be a solution. However, who's to say that once you're single and dating, you might not run into this same situation again and again? Or have trouble even finding a guy you find intellectually/emotionally/spiritually compatible, with similar life interests?

Only you can decide. I'd exercise caution in running to divorce right away. You might not find another great guy as soon as you'd like. I'd suggest educating yourself about relationships: reading books about open relationships, such as More Than Two (also a website) and Opening Up. I'd suggest reading a ton here on this board. There is a wealth of experience here, both good and not so good. I'd also suggest couples counseling instead of suffering in isolation and confusion. And I wish you all the best.
 
Last edited:
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my original post.

I've had many deep conversations with my husband to try to find some kind of compromise that will make us both happy. During these discussions, I've realized that he doesn't want just sex as I originally thought. He would like something ongoing and we tentatively agreed to something once every three months.

One thing that's really bothering me though, is that he wants it ongoing. He said that ideally, he would be able to do it whenever he wanted and he needs to have dates with the person and get to know them and connect with them. This hurts me more than just wanting to have sex with the person because he essentially wants a mistress.

I still haven't ruled out going out with guys. At this point though, it's not just as punishment or to find someone better, but to reaffirm to myself that men find me attractive. I think some attention from other men might be very good for me because my confidence has taken quite the beating these last few weeks.

We still love each other very much, but I'm really starting to think this isn't going to work out for us. I've been doing a lot of reading and I keep seeing that if one partner agrees because they're afraid or under pressure, the relationship will fail spectacularly, but I'm not sure I'm ready to divorce him.

Yesterday he was feeling depressed and a little angry because he said that even if I agree to it, he doesn't know if he can go through with it because he knows how much this is hurting me. While I appreciate that he doesn't want to hurt me, I don't think it's fair to be angry with me because he feels guilty. The fact that he's so torn up about all this also makes me think that he's mythologized open relationships to the point that he thinks his life will be complete if he does this. I keep trying to suggest a trial separation so he can test the waters to see if he'll really be happy, but he said he's not interested in the upheaval of doing that for only a few months.

Anyway, I'm just exhausted. I've been crying every day since this first came up three weeks ago. I keep flying wildly from feeling like I could be okay with it, to feeling heartbroken, to feeling like I want to punch him in the face.

I told him if he does this, it can't interfere in our current relationship at all. I feel like I could maybe cope if our day-to-day lives aren't affected, but our relationship has already changed and I feel so wounded by this that I'll probably feel scarred by it to some degree for the rest of my life.

Thanks for listening everyone. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do appreciate your insight and understanding.
 
Last edited:
Glad it helped some, I guess.

"Negotiating" to see someone every 3 months sounds weird to me. The other partner doesn't get a voice in this? You and husband already decided how much time they get? Just once every 3 month, maybe some sex?

Who would sign up for a stunted dating offer like that?

I don't think that's going to save you from him cheating if he finds that too restrictive. I think he might agree to whatever just to get his foot in the door.

I might be wrong, but that's how it sounds to me. :(

I keep trying to suggest a trial separation so he can test the waters to see if he'll really be happy, but he said he's not interested in the upheaval of doing that for only a few months.

I think you could go for the separation for a year. That's a better way to approach it to me rather than living in one space and doing "every 3 mos" because then you are not free FROM it all. You have to deal with it every 3 mos in your face. And he's not really free TO pursue because it's kinda stunted from the start.

Instead you could live in one home and he lives in another and you each live as you please during the separation year. You can date other guys so you know people still find you attractive. And he can date other women how he pleases to figure out if this is what he really wants or not. Neither one of you has to be seeing the other's dating "in their face."

Then after a year you can decide to stop being separated and work on the marriage. Or move on to divorce.

Yesterday he was feeling depressed and a little angry because he said that even if I agree to it, he doesn't know if he can go through with it because he knows how much this is hurting me. While I appreciate that he doesn't want to hurt me, I don't think it's fair to be angry with me because he feels guilty.

Yup. It isn't fair to take it out on you.

Anyway, I'm just exhausted. I've been crying every day since this first came up three weeks ago. I keep flying wildly from feeling like I could be okay with it, to feeling heartbroken, to feeling like I want to punch him in the face.

That sounds like upheaval for you. Why's it ok to upheaval you and not him?

I keep trying to suggest a trial separation so he can test the waters to see if he'll really be happy, but he said he's not interested in the upheaval of doing that for only a few months.

That's why I suggest a year's separation. Then it's NOT only a few months.

Because otherwise? It's like he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to date, but not have any upheaval in his life. Or he wants to keep you around to be the emotional punching bag if he feels yucky or help with the chores or money or whatever. Might be great for him that way. I don't see how it is great for you.

You already feel super crap living there just talking about it. I don't think living there watching him date will help you feel better. I think you could be better being away from all this stuff you don't want in a flat of your own during a separation.

You could live on your own and just deal with your dating and your own load of chores and things.

While he deals with his dating and his load of chores and things over THERE.

Way more fair sounding.

We still love each other very much, but I'm really starting to think this isn't going to work out for us. I've been doing a lot of reading and I keep seeing that if one partner agrees because they're afraid or under pressure, the relationship will fail spectacularly, but I'm not sure I'm ready to divorce him.

I also think a year's separation, since neither is ready to divorce, is the more loving approach so that BOTH people are as healthy as possible at this time of being "in the crossroads." You guys are lucky you have the financial ability to do it. So why not?

  • You can be free FROM all this stuff you don't want and try living on your own.
  • He can be free TO explore this stuff he wants and do it from a place of living on his own.

You might seek out extra support from a counselor at this time or during the separation. It's a lot to go through.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my original post.

I've had many deep conversations with my husband to try to find some kind of compromise that will make us both happy. During these discussions, I've realized that he doesn't want just sex as I originally thought. He would like something ongoing and we tentatively agreed to something once every three months.

You mean you both imagine if he found a woman who could or would only want to fuck him 4 times a year, he'd be satisfied and you'd feel secure? Some people new to poly do find if the poly partner has a long distance relationship, where they travel to see their other SO rather infrequently, it is easier. It's like a first baby step. You can plan lots of fun stuff for yourself to do while he's gone. Stay busy and distracted. Treat yourself to great things, a day trip or weekend trip with a friend, meals out (especially food he doesn't like but you do), watch movies or TV he doesn't care for, get a spa treatment, haircut or color, mani/pedi, a workshop for a hobby, etc. And exercise! Exercise really reduces stress.
One thing that's really bothering me though, is that he wants it ongoing. He said that ideally, he would be able to do it whenever he wanted and he needs to have dates with the person and get to know them and connect with them. This hurts me more than just wanting to have sex with the person because he essentially wants a mistress.

You could call it a mistress. That is a term mono (in name only) cheaters use though. It's a bit archaic. More accurate in today's terms would be other significant other (OSO), or lover, or secondary.

But in a way, it's cool of him to want a whole person as a lover. He shows he respects women and isn't just looking for a cum dumpster.
I still haven't ruled out going out with guys. At this point though, it's not just as punishment or to find someone better, but to reaffirm to myself that men find me attractive. I think some attention from other men might be very good for me because my confidence has taken quite the beating these last few weeks.

I can totally relate to that. It is an ego boost to get that kind of attention after feeling "less than" for a long period. I went through that when I was newly single/divorced. Many many of us have. I joined the dating website OK Cupid when i was newly single. Wow, I was 54 and never realized how many men wanted a MILF! I was swamped with attention and dates and cyber sex. It was pretty exciting.

We still love each other very much, but I'm really starting to think this isn't going to work out for us. I've been doing a lot of reading and I keep seeing that if one partner agrees because they're afraid or under pressure, the relationship will fail spectacularly, but I'm not sure I'm ready to divorce him.

Quite correct. For poly to work, you need a "joyous yes" from all concerned. Caving under pressure, giving in because you're exhausted and grieving, doesn't count as "joyous yes."

You don't need to make a divorce decision right now. There's no rush. Take your time.
Yesterday he was feeling depressed and a little angry because he said that even if I agree to it, he doesn't know if he can go through with it, because he knows how much this is hurting me.

This is a correct attitude. He cares about you and wants that "joyous yes."

...While I appreciate that he doesn't want to hurt me, I don't think it's fair to be angry with me because he feels guilty.

Most of us may feel anger when we are hurt or frustrated. It's just what the mind does. But no, he doesn't get to blame you for not being excited about his fantasy. Your feelings are just as valid as his.

The fact that he's so torn up about all this also makes me think that he's mythologized open relationships to the point that he thinks his life will be complete if he does this. I keep trying to suggest a trial separation so he can test the waters to see if he'll really be happy, but he said he's not interested in the upheaval of doing that for only a few months.

Actually, if he IS poly, having more than one lover may well make him feel complete, in the relationship area of his life. His life won't be eternal bliss, but at least he's headed in the direction that is right for him.

Even if he's not excited about a trial separation, you can insist on it. You own the house, you can put his stuff out on the lawn and change the locks, if it comes to that. You can kick him out. I'd say you could leave whether he agrees or not, but it's your house and so you get to stay in it. He's the one living rent free off of you.

He may not want "upheaval" but he's the one causing it. So tough cookies. A trial separation, whether he is successful in finding another woman or not during it, may be required so you can get some rest and clarity.

Anyway, I'm just exhausted. I've been crying every day since this first came up three weeks ago. I keep flying wildly from feeling like I could be okay with it, to feeling heartbroken, to feeling like I want to punch him in the face.

This is the poly rollercoaster and it's extremely common.

Take a break and stop discussing it. Kick him out for a while if need be. Rational discussion can't happen if you are "emotionally flooded." Rest, eat well, exercise. Think of other things for a while.

You could go get counseling even if he doesn't want to do couples counseling. When my ex h and I were doing poorly we did a year of couples counseling and I did 3 years of individual counseling. It didn't save our marriage, but it saved my sanity.

I told him if he does this, it can't interfere in our current relationship at all. I feel like I could maybe cope if our day-to-day lives aren't affected, but our relationship has already changed, and I feel so wounded by this that I'll probably feel scarred by it to some degree for the rest of my life.

It will interfere. It already has! That is your own unrealistic fantasy. You're trying to close the barn door after the horse has left.

Even if you begin with baby steps, such as him finding a LDR and only seeing her infrequently, it won't be risk free or stress free or pain free for either of you.

Thanks for listening everyone. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do appreciate your insight and understanding.


You'll get through this. It's a nightmare right now. But you'll figure it out (counseling would help). And you'll move on to a better life with more experience and tools.
 
Back
Top