Texting

I send messages when I want to and if they don't reply then they don't reply. You will get a feel soon enough for if they text when free, text all day long, don't like texting at all, prefer the phone, hate talking on the phone or are just low interest. I have friends and lovers who fit into all categories. Some folks I am happy to text once in a while. My BFF is atrociously slow at texting ( in my opinion) but will always return a phone call and as she is my BFF that is fine. If my new romantic interest isn't into either texting or calling apart from once in a blue moon then they are not going to be a good match for me. Conversely, with my new job, I cant text really at all during the day anymore ( I used to respond to nearly all messages extremely quickly ) and I would get irritated at someone who sent "Why haven't you replied?" messages.

Send your messages Ms Emotional!
 
I want to leap right in and text him random funny thoughts throughout the day, but I don’t know if that is too presumptuous. Thus far he has responded (not necessarily right away) to my messages and seems friendly and responsive to the chatting. But he doesn’t initiate such random comments himself, so I can’t tell if I am being weird or not....

The communication *is* dating.

Texting is part of the dating experience now, it's not optional - unless you're exclusively dating old people and Luddites. A person's texting style is part of his compatibility, so if you enjoy exchanging frequent random funny thoughts throughout the day, then it's important that the other does, too. If it makes you feel connected and joyful, then part of finding a compatible person is being on the lookout for a texting style that matches (or at very least, appreciates) yours. Texting isn't simply a means to communicate information, it's a huge part of the actual relationship. Texting can be enormously fun and sexy (and I don't mean sexting, I mean having fun, flirting, sending fun photos, having "in" jokes together, etc.) and in my experience, is a big part of what makes a relationship so rich. Texting after a date can be a great way to get a feel for what you both enjoyed in particular, keep the good feeling going orrrrr....... get the message that there's a mismatch in interest levels - which is an important message to get if it needs to be gotten. Texting is here to stay and it's a significant element to most dating relationships. Know it, use it, love it.
 
The question I was getting at is actually more like the opposite of this: I’m not asking because I don’t want to text them or don’t have the time to text them, I’m asking because I DO want to text them and I don’t know if I am being too pushy or expecting too much too soon. I don’t want someone to feel obligated to message me when they have a lot of other stuff going on and I certainly don’t want to expect more contact from someone than they give to their existing partners.

Ah. Then, a couple things come to mind... One is that it's perfectly fine to tell someone "btw, I like sending a lot of messages as I get to know someone. Don't feel obligated to drop everything and answer them right away, I understand if you need a couple days to think about it or find time to respond."

Different folks like different levels of contact and communication. More imporant than "not bothering" someone with too much too soon is finding other people who naturally match your level of interaction. Ideally, both people text exactly as often as they feel like it, and that coincides with the other's level of expectation, without either one feeling obligated to text more often or, conversely, that they're being ignored.

As for "more contact from someone than they give to their existing partners," I think it's fair to expect them to be responsible for that. You're allowed to "expect" as much contact as you need to feel connected with someone, and to find people who just happen to have that much time to share with you. If that happens to be more contact than they have with their current partners, that's between them to work out.

I think it falls back to texting as much or as little as you want for your own enjoyment and connection, and trusting others to do the same, and using that as part of the filter to find compatible partners in terms of availability and desire of connection.
 
But also, the awesome thing about texting is you don't have to answer immediately. That's another reason I prefer texting over calling.

I vastly prefer texting or talking in person over talking over the phone as well... however, here's where my problem comes in. Once I read a text, I can't mark it unread again. And I can't have my phone with me at work, so I'm either forced into replying right there and then, so I don't forget, or I wait until after work and risk forgetting to reply back at all because I don't have the visual notification (HIGHLY visual person here, with a bad case of squirrel brain).

I may not be bored by you if I don't get back to you... I may honestly have forgotten that I have a message to reply to. (Hey, Google Messages - let me mark them unread, ya mooks!).

Sounds to me like there are so many different preferences, it makes a lot of sense to ask the preferences of the person on the other end, and see if you match or can find a happy medium.
 
I usually just ask what the person likes. Me? I love getting texts and prefer to have a running conversation throughout the day if I can, or lots of little random conversations. But I'm forever extroverted and need that interaction to feel connected.

One of my partners is very introverted and isn't a big texter, gets overwhelmed with lots of text conversation. We've found a happy middle ground wherein I send him whatever and understand that he'll get back to me when he has the bandwidth and he makes an effort to at least answer within 24-48 hours unless major stuff is going down.

My other partner we text pretty much all day everyday as it's what we both prefer.

I've had partners who I text with once or twice a week as well but they tend to be more casual partners simply because I need more frequent interaction to feel really connected.

Edited to add: Until I have had the conversation with someone, which I do early in dating, I tend to text what I feel like, when I feel like it and feel that if we're not compatible or able to have a healthy conversation about our different styles and preferences about this that it's just not the relationship for me.
 
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Texting is part of the dating experience now, it's not optional - unless you're exclusively dating old people and Luddites. A person's texting style is part of his compatibility, so if you enjoy exchanging frequent random funny thoughts throughout the day, then it's important that the other does, too. If it makes you feel connected and joyful, then part of finding a compatible person is being on the lookout for a texting style that matches (or at very least, appreciates) yours. Texting isn't simply a means to communicate information, it's a huge part of the actual relationship. Texting can be enormously fun and sexy (and I don't mean sexting, I mean having fun, flirting, sending fun photos, having "in" jokes together, etc.) and in my experience, is a big part of what makes a relationship so rich. Texting after a date can be a great way to get a feel for what you both enjoyed in particular, keep the good feeling going orrrrr....... get the message that there's a mismatch in interest levels - which is an important message to get if it needs to be gotten. Texting is here to stay and it's a significant element to most dating relationships. Know it, use it, love it.

So, theoretically, how would you handle a situation where it feels like your text styles don’t match?

Whiskers seems interested in me at times, but he *never* initiates texting. Like, pretty consistently I am the first one to send a text for the day, he responds with some cute replies and asks a question or two, I answer and then unless I specifically ask him another question I don’t hear from him until the next day when I initiate contact again.

Yesterday I was really busy and so I told myself that I would just wait for him to initiate a text ...and he didn’t. 😓 It was the first time since we started dating that we went a full day with no contact. I started feeling really insecure about it and then finally I just sent him a “how was [the movie you went to last night]?” text today and he responded totally normally and cheerfully and it was exactly the same as always: he answered my question, asked about my life, I asked him another question, he answered it, I followed up with a comment on what he had said, and then nothing.

Oddly enough, he commented to me on our last date about how hard it is to build connections with people on OKC — that there is a lot of him asking a question, the woman he’s talking to responding but then never having any questions of her own....we talked about how frustrating and confusing this is. I almost want to just tell him, “hey, you are kinda doing that exact same thing that you complain about other people doing....are you just not interested in me?”

But that seems a little abrasive. 🤭 Is there a better way to figure out if we just have incompatible texting styles or if this is an indicator of him being disinterested?
 
MsEmotional, you and I seem to have similar texting styles based on the above. Given that one issue I had was being told by someone that I texted too much, I maybe wouldn't read too much into it. Dome people just don't chat that much
 
So, theoretically, how would you handle a situation where it feels like your text styles don’t match?

Whiskers seems interested in me at times, but he *never* initiates texting. Like, pretty consistently I am the first one to send a text for the day, he responds with some cute replies and asks a question or two, I answer and then unless I specifically ask him another question I don’t hear from him until the next day when I initiate contact again.

Yesterday I was really busy and so I told myself that I would just wait for him to initiate a text ...and he didn’t. 😓 It was the first time since we started dating that we went a full day with no contact. I started feeling really insecure about it and then finally I just sent him a “how was [the movie you went to last night]?” text today and he responded totally normally and cheerfully and it was exactly the same as always: he answered my question, asked about my life, I asked him another question, he answered it, I followed up with a comment on what he had said, and then nothing.

Oddly enough, he commented to me on our last date about how hard it is to build connections with people on OKC — that there is a lot of him asking a question, the woman he’s talking to responding but then never having any questions of her own....we talked about how frustrating and confusing this is. I almost want to just tell him, “hey, you are kinda doing that exact same thing that you complain about other people doing....are you just not interested in me?”

But that seems a little abrasive. 🤭 Is there a better way to figure out if we just have incompatible texting styles or if this is an indicator of him being disinterested?

MsEmotional... I think the question/comment that you want to say to him is entirely appropriate. If you want to soften it a bit, you could always say something like, "hey, you might just not realize this, but you are kinda doing that exact same thing that you complain about other people doing and never initiating conversation with me, or letting the convo drop off. I might just be reading too much into it, or maybe we're just used to different styles of texting frequency. But I'd like to at least have an understanding of each other's norm. Are you used to every-day texting? Would you prefer something less frequent? Do you prefer calling to texting?” etc. etc. etc.
 
MsEmotional... I think the question/comment that you want to say to him is entirely appropriate. If you want to soften it a bit, you could always say something like, "hey, you might just not realize this, but you are kinda doing that exact same thing that you complain about other people doing and never initiating conversation with me, or letting the convo drop off. I might just be reading too much into it, or maybe we're just used to different styles of texting frequency. But I'd like to at least have an understanding of each other's norm. Are you used to every-day texting? Would you prefer something less frequent? Do you prefer calling to texting?” etc. etc. etc.

Ugh. I'm so bad at this. The very thought of having this conversation is making me feel icky in my tummy.

It's so weird, because I don't feel desperate. I like him, but I get plenty of affection "at home" (so to speak). If he directly told me that he wasn't really interested in going further and just wanted to be friends I would be disappointed, but also kind of....relieved? Just to not have to wonder.

And I generally enjoy all our interactions themselves -- regardless of who initiates. I just feel like there's this set of dating "rules" that are telling me, "He's not that into you," and "He's scheduling another date with you just to be nice....if he really liked you he would want to know how your day is going," and "You should back off because you probably look crazy."

Blurgh.
 
Communication is part of how I build connection. I am used to lots of contact. I like chatting with partners every day. It doesn't have to be too lengthy but if I'm not seeing someone, I would enjoy an actual conversation via text or phone call. Not talking between dates is a good way for NRE to die on me and I lose interest.

I don't call it being needy. But I happily take the label high maintenance, and worth it.
 
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