Texting

How much do you text when establishing a new connection? Like, before the first date and between the first few dates....

I ask because I don’t have a ton of dating experience and I am finding myself overwhelmed with trying to keep up messaging threads with a few different “potentials” on OKC. This would be difficult for me in the early stages of mono dating too, except that I am also unsure of what the expectations are in non-mono where partners are not only dating a few different potentials but also mai maintaining existing relationships.

So! What are your experiences? How much texting is expected? And how long of not hearing from someone do you assume they aren’t interested?
 
I honestly require at least a check in daily, from the get go. If I don't have frequent contact, I don't connect.

I'm admittedly needy, though.
 
Every person is different. Some folks need a lot of contact. Others are happy with a few days a week.

Me I do not like to be smothered with attention. I am busy and do not like making small talk just for small talks sake.

I sometimes go a day or two without texting or talking to one of my husbands. For me that is normal and just fine. If there was an emergency or if they wanted to talk they would reach out or vice versa.
 
Every person is different. Some folks need a lot of contact. Others are happy with a few days a week.

Me I do not like to be smothered with attention. I am busy and do not like making small talk just for small talks sake.

I sometimes go a day or two without texting or talking to one of my husbands. For me that is normal and just fine. If there was an emergency or if they wanted to talk they would reach out or vice versa.


I am this way too. I don't like making the time for small talk over text or chat. I'd much rather use text time to make plans to see them, and then get into the sharing and conversing once we're in person.
 
I'm not a fan of texting, period. I'm not a fan of smartphones. I have a dumbphone. The kind where you text by pushing the number keys multiple times.

If someone texted me more than a couple of times, I would probably call them, so I could talk with them out loud, and that's how I'd answer their texts. If it was someone new, before the first date and between the first few dates, I would think one call per day would be plenty, less would be fine too. More might be a chore, but perhaps if I was steeped in NRE I'd feel differently.
 
Texting is my preferred means of communication. I have difficulty processing what I hear, especially when there isn't visual input, so talking on the phone is not my idea of fun. I can deal with it sometimes, but it's a lot easier for me to follow the conversation when I can read it. (Or if I can see the person speaking... I probably ought to try video chatting more.)

If I'm in the pre-meet stage with someone, I like to hear from them every 2-3 days. If there's a longer gap than that, I'm inclined to forget I'm even chatting with them. Hearing from them more frequently is fine with me.

Once we've met, if we've agreed we want to keep seeing each other, I prefer to hear from them with about the same frequency. But in this stage, it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Getting a "Hey, thinking about you, how are you" text two or three times a week would be fine, though I do *like* having conversations. And again, if I hear from them more often, that's awesome, but I don't *need* to hear from them more often. I just like to.
 
Texting is my preferred means of communication. I have difficulty processing what I hear, especially when there isn't visual input, so talking on the phone is not my idea of fun. I can deal with it sometimes, but it's a lot easier for me to follow the conversation when I can read it.

This is me exactly. I actually was wondering about early-connection communication in general, but it didn’t even occur to me to phrase it any other way except texting. I would never talk on the phone with someone unless I had to tell them something serious or they specifically asked to hear my voice.
 
I’m the same way about text - I mean, my partner of three years and I have spoken on the phone, like, few enough times I can count them on one hand, I think.

But we text multiple times a day, most days, so there’s that?
 
I’m the same way about text - I mean, my partner of three years and I have spoken on the phone, like, few enough times I can count them on one hand, I think.

But we text multiple times a day, most days, so there’s that?

I am the same way. I'm a very "visual" person and words of affirmation are my love language. So in general, I prefer texting/messaging/email rather than talking on the phone a lot.

Right at the beginning of a new or budding relationship, I've been known to text partners throughout the day, several times... more like an on-going conversation. After a few months, this tends to settle into one or two "check-ins" per day.

One of my partners and I text/message once a day or sometimes every few days (his preference is not for lengthy texts, although during NRE he was very into it)... and we call about once a week.

My other partner needs frequent contact and we usually call at the same time each day. Both of these relationships are LDR though, so "in person" contact isn't a regular thing. Texting and so forth would probably be way less if we lived closer or actually lived together.
 
Because of where I live, I don't get much opportunity to go on dates.

I tend to start with email if I've met someone here or on Fetlife. The emails get longer and longer, then we move to a web based SMS service as we move from asynchronous to real time communication. Fet does that now, so I don't need to change platform, just be online at the same time. Then, once a level of trust is developed, phone numbers get exchanged and move to WhatsApp. I used to use Skype, but my old computer got terribly regular at freezing so now I tend to do WhatsApp for video as well as voice.

How much? A lot. The communication *is* dating.
 
On occasion, I've actually stopped communicating with guys who have insisted on talking to me on the phone, even if it is just because they want to hear my voice to make sure I'm who I say I am. (I haven't ghosted, I've just told them I'm no longer interested in pursuing things.) My dislike of talking on the phone skates pretty close to the "phobia" line at times, especially if it's to someone I have never had a verbal conversation with at all.

I can manage it for business-ish calls, e.g. making doctor's appointments, but for personal communication, there are only two people I consistently talk to on the phone. My boyfriend, who strongly dislikes texting and with whom I have a weekday morning "wake-up" call because we like touching base at the beginning of the day, and my mother, who literally does not know how to use a computer or use a cell phone for anything other than making a phone call--and sometimes she isn't even capable of that. (She's one of the very few people I know who still has a landline phone--with an answering machine.) Lately Country has been calling me rather than texting or messaging, and I'm just happy to hear from her at all, so I don't mind phone calls from her.

Two of the guys I've connected with recently strongly prefer phone calls, so we're sorting out how to balance that with my strong preference against them. These are new connections, just within the past 3-4 weeks, so I'm sure we'll figure it out.
 
Because of where I live, I don't get much opportunity to go on dates.

I tend to start with email if I've met someone... The emails get longer and longer, then we move to a web based SMS service as we move from asynchronous to real time communication... Then, once a level of trust is developed, phone numbers get exchanged and move to WhatsApp.

How much? A lot. The communication *is* dating.

^ You expressed the trajectory SO perfectly, Evie. This is pretty much exactly how both of my current relationships developed. Except I met them on a social media site as friends only, with no intention of becoming romantic. And we use Messenger, not WhatsApp to chat.


On occasion, I've actually stopped communicating with guys who have insisted on talking to me on the phone, even if it is just because they want to hear my voice to make sure I'm who I say I am. My dislike of talking on the phone skates pretty close to the "phobia" line at times, especially if it's to someone I have never had a verbal conversation with at all.

I can manage it for business-ish calls, e.g. making doctor's appointments, but for personal communication, there are only two people I consistently talk to on the phone. My boyfriend, who strongly dislikes texting and with whom I have a weekday morning "wake-up" call because we like touching base at the beginning of the day, and my mother, who literally does not know how to use a computer or use a cell phone.

Although I've never ended a relationship due to my dislike of phonecalls, I have to say I can totally relate to your experience, KC.

In fact, after a few months of being with Jester, it became a real bone of contention (for him) and we actually got into a huge fight about it. He had started to doubt me and my authenticity (my existence, haha) because I continuously made excuses NOT to call him or allow him to call me.

It was only after the big show-down, during which I explained to him that I am autistic and very socially phobic, that he finally understood I wasn't trying to hide anything, but was/am genuinely uncomfortable talking to people on the phone - especially "new" people - and at that stage we hadn't yet met each other in person.
 
I'm going to turn this question on its head.

If you find you have to make concerted effort to message to someone, maybe that's a sign that you're not really that interested in them.

When I meet someone on OKC and they're really interesting, I find myself answering their messages simply because I want to, not because I feel like I "should."

If someone is so boring and dry that I have to sit there thinking for 20 minutes about something to say to them, then probably whatever they said was not interesting enough to elicit an interested response. Note, that's not the same as someone saying something so thought-provoking that it takes 20 minutes to decide what you even think. That would be a good sign!

Conversely, if my messages that I think are interesting or though-provoking do not elicit an interesting response, then probably I'm boring that other person as much as they're boring me.

Balancing your relationships is a different issue all together. Each relationship has its own needs in terms of time and connectedness. Before answering the question "How much time can I spend messaging people on OKC?" I would answer the question "How much time each day do my existing relationships need for sustainability and growth?" If you're spending enough time on your other relationships and getting all your other "life stuff" taken care of, then you can spend as much or as little time on OKC as you want. If that happens to be more time than you spend with your current partners, but you and all your partners are satisfied with the time you're spending together, then what difference does it make whether you're spending the other time on OKC, knitting, or rebuilding classic cars?
 
For me, if I'm not texting the person fairly frequently in those first few days, then it tends to lead to me losing my interest pretty quickly. I think this very much differs from person to person though, since some aren't texters, etc. If I don't message more frequently, I can also be satisfied with fewer messages if they're longer and with more substance. So like, an email with a bunch of questions and lines of thought going on. Trading 1 of those each day or so still feels like having an entire conversation, and still keeps me interested.
 
I'm going to turn this question on its head.

If you find you have to make concerted effort to message to someone, maybe that's a sign that you're not really that interested in them.

When I meet someone on OKC and they're really interesting, I find myself answering their messages simply because I want to, not because I feel like I "should."

If someone is so boring and dry that I have to sit there thinking for 20 minutes about something to say to them, then probably whatever they said was not interesting enough to elicit an interested response. Note, that's not the same as someone saying something so thought-provoking that it takes 20 minutes to decide what you even think. That would be a good sign!

Conversely, if my messages that I think are interesting or though-provoking do not elicit an interesting response, then probably I'm boring that other person as much as they're boring me.

Balancing your relationships is a different issue all together. Each relationship has its own needs in terms of time and connectedness. Before answering the question "How much time can I spend messaging people on OKC?" I would answer the question "How much time each day do my existing relationships need for sustainability and growth?" If you're spending enough time on your other relationships and getting all your other "life stuff" taken care of, then you can spend as much or as little time on OKC as you want. If that happens to be more time than you spend with your current partners, but you and all your partners are satisfied with the time you're spending together, then what difference does it make whether you're spending the other time on OKC, knitting, or rebuilding classic cars?

The question I was getting at is actually more like the opposite of this: I’m not asking because I don’t want to text them or don’t have the time to text them, I’m asking because I DO want to text them and I don’t know if I am being too pushy or expecting too much too soon. I don’t want someone to feel obligated to message me when they have a lot of other stuff going on and I certainly don’t want to expect more contact from someone than they give to their existing partners.

For example, there’s a guy I found on OKC who I actually worked with and was workplace friends with 10 years ago. After I found him on OKC and marveled atthe factthat we are both poly now, we went out to “catch up” and established (through direct communication) that we were both interested in seeing the interaction as a “date.” We made plans for another date next week.

So what do I do during this week? I want to leap right in and text him random funny thoughts throughout the day, but I don’t know if that is too presumptuous. Thus far he has responded (not necessarily right away) to my messages and seems friendly and responsive to the chatting. But he doesn’t initiate such random comments himself, so I can’t tell if I am being weird or not....
 
Texting me random funny thoughts just because would piss me off. I am a busy person. I would find the random messages and texts of random conversations about nothing meaningless. I am an INTJ personality type.

I do not mind a once a day hey how are you and what's going on conversation. But not constant dribble for contacts sake. I would rather get to know someone in person since so much can be lost in translation via text.
 
Different people have different needs and preferences for communicating.

After dealing with Facets's lack of responses to most of my texts--even after he told me to feel free to text him any time and promised he would always answer--I've gotten even more diligent about discussing communication needs and preferences at the first in-person meet up, if not sooner. I would recommend anyone do that when they're starting a new relationship, same as I recommend discussing other needs and wants. If I need at least a "hey, how are you" a few times a week, and he isn't willing to text more than once a week and then only if there's something "important" to talk about, I know we aren't compatible and I'm not going to pursue it.

I don't mind silly, random texts throughout the course of the day. I actually like them, because it means the other person is thinking about me, and I feel good when I know they're thinking about me. If they were *calling* me to have silly, random conversations, I probably wouldn't like it as much, because phone call.

But also, the awesome thing about texting is you don't have to answer immediately. That's another reason I prefer texting over calling. I worry a lot about bothering someone or interrupting their workday or their time with another partner. If I call them, they either have to answer or I go to voice mail, and if I leave a voice mail I worry about if they're going to call me back, if they're annoyed that I called, etc. But when I text someone, I do so with the knowledge and expectation that they might not answer right away, or even that day. (My problem with Facets wasn't so much that it took him a while to answer; it was that I could see that he was online when I was texting but he still wasn't answering me, and/or that he wouldn't answer for *several* days and usually even then, not until after I sent another text saying "Hey, did you get my text three days ago?") So when I text someone, I don't worry about bothering or interrupting them, because I know I might be, but they don't have to immediately read the text and respond so it isn't as much of an intrusion as a call would be.

Same thing if someone texts me. If I'm busy, I can choose not to read the text right then, or to read it but not answer until later. And if I eventually read the text and it's just something ridiculous like "How can you tell an elephant has been in your cupboard?" (an actual text I received), I get a laugh and I feel happy because they were thinking about me, even if I end up not answering until a few hours later.
 
I don't mind silly, random texts throughout the course of the day. I actually like them, because it means the other person is thinking about me.

But also, the awesome thing about texting is you don't have to answer immediately. That's another reason I prefer texting over calling. I worry a lot about bothering someone or interrupting their workday or their time with another partner.

Exactly me, as well.


when I text someone, I do so with the knowledge and expectation that they might not answer right away, or even that day. (My problem with Facets wasn't so much that it took him a while to answer; it was that I could see that he was online when I was texting but he still wasn't answering me, and/or that he wouldn't answer for *several* days and usually even then, not until after I sent another text saying "Hey, did you get my text three days ago?")

And this was, and still sometimes is, my problem with Jester's lackadaisical communication style. To him, it's no big deal if we go a couple of days without messaging (even though it WAS in our early days, when the shoe was on the other foot!) - and although he keeps promising to be "better" in this regard because he knows it's important to me, he all-too-easily slips back into non-communicative mode unless I prod him repeatedly, which I HATE doing because the gesture (thinking about me and WANTING to reach out) is lost if the person has to be nagged at.

**************

But to answer your question more directly, MsEmotional - I do NOT think it's out of line to expect that someone (with whom you're only just establishing a romantic connection) would WANT to check in at least once or twice throughout the day in order to see how things are going in your life. And more specifically, to ask all those "new relationship" questions that let you know they: a.) are interested in you as a person and want to know what's going on in your life/want to get to know you better by asking questions and sharing things that might be of common interest... b.) are attracted on some level and want to connect regularly for that reason alone.

If your communication styles/needs are a major mismatch, the relationship may well flounder... unless you live close by and intend to see each other regularly in person.
 
I've just had to opposite experience. One of the bones of contention with the friend I was talking with is that she felt I would text too much.

Conversely, I would get a little narked off when I would text a simple Good Morning, and not get an answer, sometimes not for hours. I understand being busy, but when we're using Facebook Messenger, and I can see you've read the message, then why not a simple reply? 'Hi, sorry, but I'm busy..' doesn't really take much.
 
Back
Top