My Girlfriend is Poly, I am not. Please help me understand

Danna529

New member
Hello everyone, I'm a 25 yo Male.
I hope you don't mind me (a monogamous person) posting on your forum, but i just wanted to talk to someone about the relationship I am in. I have known my girlfriend for 10 years and we have been dating for 3, we have a 1 yo daughter together.
My girlfriend had told me from the very beginning that she way polyamorous and i was fine with it. Only recently has she been able to find time to see other men. We discussed our open relationship very briefly without me having much knowledge about it, and as a result I became very paranoid and anxious over the past 3 weeks. It was very bad i was scared; my mind was filled with the worst thoughts I could imagine. But last night i finally said what was on my mind and we communicated properly and all my fears went away. I still have some concerns and don't know enough information. reading on this forum opened my eyes to a lot of things. terminology like fluid bonding I never considered. but what i want to discuss is...
My girlfriend says she is only interested in the sex aspect and having friends to talk to regularly she only feels love for them as friends not romantic partners, and would never invite them over to our house or show them pictures of our daughter. but I can't see how you can have such close friendships and be sexualy intimate with someone and not feel emotionaly invested. I must say I hate the flirting and role play she gives to other men on her phone arranging times to meet and have sex while me and her daughter and next to her. I don't want to set up a list of terms and conditions for her to follow but i can't help feeling like I come second to these other men some times. She has said she will stop seeing other people to make me happy but I know it's a part of who she is and i love all of her very much.
 
First off, there are a number of monogamous people on this site who are in relationships with poly people, so you being monogamous doesn't have anything to do with whether you can post here.

As far as your situation...

Kudos for owning your emotional reaction to her seeing other people, and for communicating with her about it. Not being able or willing to do those things can be one of the biggest downfalls when trying to navigate the early stages of poly.

Having a close friendship *is* an emotional investment, regardless of whether sex is involved. But it isn't the *same* emotional investment one might have with a romantic partner. It sounds to me like what your girlfriend is saying is that she wants the freedom to have sex with friends, but does not want a romantic relationship with any of them, just friendship and sex.

It is possible for some people to separate sex and emotions; we have a couple of threads around here about the subject. "Framing intimacy," I think is the title of one of them. So some people are quite capable of having sex with others without developing much of any emotional connection. It seems more common for people to be able to have sex with others without "falling in love" with them; that's what "friends with benefits" essentially is. I have a few friends who fit that description; I like them as friends, the sex and kink is really good, but there's no way in hell I would want to be in a full-fledged romantic relationship with them.

So it sounds like that's where your girlfriend is at with the other men. She doesn't feel *romantic* love for them and doesn't want a romantic relationship with them, she just wants friendship and sex.

I can completely empathize with your discomfort and unhappiness about her flirting/sexting/whatever with other men while she's at home with you and your daughter. Since it seems like you and she have a fairly good line of communication, I would suggest bringing this up with her, for example, "I don't want to interfere with your other connections, but I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when you're sitting beside me making plans with other men. I would prefer it if..."

Make sure you decide what the "if" is before you have the discussion; would you prefer it if you and she set a certain time of day or a certain amount of time per day during which she focuses only on you and your daughter and doesn't use her phone? Would you prefer it if she left the room to have these conversations with the other men? Would you prefer that she have the conversations with them in a way and location that doesn't put it "in your face," so to speak? Whatever option feels best for you is the one you could bring up with her. You have the right to feel how you feel, and you can ask for whatever you need in order to make this easier for you; but remember that she also has the right to feel how she feels, and she isn't obligated to agree to your requests. You might need to find compromises, or even accept certain behaviors that you don't like.

But the point is to continue communicating. The communication doesn't end just because you've found a place of peace with her seeing other guys; in fact, that's when it really *starts*, because in order to keep working, a poly situation requires constant, open communication.
 
I am sorry you struggle.


My girlfriend had told me from the very beginning that she way polyamorous and i was fine with it.

What did you mean? How could you say you were fine with it if you didn't/don't have much knowledge about it? :confused:

My girlfriend says she is only interested in the sex aspect and having friends to talk to regularly she only feels love for them as friends not romantic partners, and would never invite them over to our house or show them pictures of our daughter. but I can't see how you can have such close friendships and be sexualy intimate with someone and not feel emotionaly invested.

"Polyamorous" is "many loves." One can share love and sex.

This sounds like she wants casual sex or FWB. Some people are able to experience sex that way. They can share sex without forming romantic attachments.

If she wants to do casual sex/FWB stuff? You don't have to understand it. You have to decide if you want to be doing an Open relationship with her so she can (be with you) AND (have casual sex/FWB with others) concurrently. If you are ok with that, proceed. If you are NOT ok with it? Decline to participate. Your consent belongs to you.

I must say I hate the flirting and role play she gives to other men on her phone arranging times to meet and have sex while me and her daughter and next to her.

Could ask her not to do that. Make her arrangements in another room out of earshot.

I don't want to set up a list of terms and conditions for her to follow but i can't help feeling like I come second to these other men some times.

If she's not being esp considerate, SPEAK UP. If you need to list behaviors you want/don't want (like do not make her dates with you and the baby right there) -- list them. Then ask if she will agree to that list so you can be free of discomfort while she can still make her arrangements.

She has said she will stop seeing other people to make me happy

Presumably she would not offer stuff she is not willing/able to actually do. So ask her to stop seeing them. Just nip it all in the bud. Skip all this, since she's willing to stop and you don't sound excited about doing this.

Another way to go is to see if you can meet in the middle. Where you talk to her about her poly(?) thoughts and feelings more so she's not bottled up about it. Maybe that's Open enough for her. And she doesn't date other people. So it is Closed enough for you.

If that is not possible, and you are willing to do Open so long as she behaves with more consideration -- talk that out. What does that look like? For sure quit flirting/making dates with you and the baby right there since you hate it.

If you are not able to do Open and feel bad participating in an Open relationship model? Stop. You are not compatible if she wants Open and you prefer Closed. You could choose to part ways respectfully so she can be free TO see others and you can be free FROM all this stuff. End the romance part and be only co-parents.

So what is it YOU want most? What do you prefer in your romantic relationships? Are you getting that here?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you KC43 for everything you have said, I have learned alot from reading through the forum.

I would suggest bringing this up with her, for example, "I don't want to interfere with your other connections, but I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when you're sitting beside me making plans with other men. I would prefer it if...".

I will take your suggestion and continue to communicate openly to my partner. I understand the flirting I do it to my friends and at work making innuendos and stuff (it can be thrilling and exciting.) I think i'm just uncomfortable with knowing that they will take the flirting to its natural end and act out their desires that's when it crosses an imaginary line for me. Getting past that hurdle I am confidant my fears will subside.

What did you mean? How could you say you were fine with it if you didn't/don't have much knowledge about it?

I said that I was "okay with it" without really weighing up what it would mean. like someone saying they are okay with heights but never experiencing being 100's of feet up in the air. You don't truly understand until it happens.

If she wants to do casual sex/FWB stuff? You don't have to understand it.

I may not have to understand it. however it still makes me feel uneasy. FWB has been portrayed as a bad thing by society and given a bad reputation some people would say my partner (sleeps around) I do not think that about her, but I do get doubts about inadequacy and not being able to please her in the ways she wants. and since becoming parents our sex lives have lessened to a degree. I guess my problem is feeling like i don't satisfy her in the bed room so she goes to someone else.
 
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I think i'm just uncomfortable with knowing that they will take the flirting to its natural end and act out their desires that's when it crosses an imaginary line for me. Getting past that hurdle I am confidant my fears will subside.

You sound like you prefer to be exclusive. Is that true?

What is the confidence based on?

however it still makes me feel uneasy. FWB has been portrayed as a bad thing by society and given a bad reputation some people would say my partner (sleeps around) I do not think that about her,

Are you worried about what other people would say/think if they learned you and partner practice an Open relationship?

I do get doubts about inadequacy and not being able to please her in the ways she wants. I guess my problem is feeling like i don't satisfy her in the bed room so she goes to someone else.

Could be direct and ask her. "Do I please you in the way you want? Do I satisfy you in the bedroom? Is this why you want to do Open relationships and seek other people? Because I am not a satisfactory lover?"

Communicating openly means communicating openly. Talk to her.

Galagirl
 
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You sound like you prefer to be exclusive. Is that true?
I wouldn't call myself exclusive, but when in past relationships i have only ever had that one parter. when single I see more than one person at a time.
If a friend wanted to sleep with me and my girlfriend had no problem
with it I can't tell if I would or wouldn't.

Are you worried about what other people would say/think if they learned you and partner practice an Open relationship?
Not really. it's more like I have a problem with my own perception of what FWM means.


Could be direct and ask her. Do I satisfy you in the bedroom?
I want to ask, but if it's true I know I will feel worse as a boyfriend and it may put greater stress on the relationship. I will talk to her and I know we can try things to help "spice"up the love life. Finding out she's going somewhere else for satisfaction really upsets me because i think i try my best.

One last question i hope you can help with.
I think she puts more effort into seeing the other men then me. things like wearing her best dress, doing hair and makeup, and Shaving her body. She NEVER straitens her hair but will do it for another man to meat his wants. I just think she is changing herself for them and she doesn't believe in things like that.

Thank you again for helping me to understand more I really appreciate it.
 
I may not have to understand it. however it still makes me feel uneasy. FWB has been portrayed as a bad thing by society and given a bad reputation some people would say my partner (sleeps around) I do not think that about her, but I do get doubts about inadequacy and not being able to please her in the ways she wants. and since becoming parents our sex lives have lessened to a degree. I guess my problem is feeling like i don't satisfy her in the bed room so she goes to someone else.

Polyamory has been portrayed as a bad thing by society. Kink has been portrayed as a bad thing by society. In some parts of our society, a woman having any independence or agency whatsoever in her own sex life, rather than just having sex when her man says so and only enjoying it if he gives her permission to, has been portrayed as a bad thing.

Does it really matter to you what "some people"--some anonymous strangers who might not even actually exist--might say about your girlfriend?

Not intending to be harsh, but it seems to me that *you* are the one who is being affected by what "society" says is bad. It seems like you might be stuck in what other people have taught you is and isn't okay, and you're basing your opinion on that rather than on what you truly believe. The whole "man doesn't satisfy his woman, so she fucks around" is another piece of societal conditioning, I think; our society tends to emphasize that the man is supposed to be in charge and in control, so if his partner is doing something like having sex with other people, it must be because he can't control her and is therefore weak and doing something wrong.

I'm NOT saying that it isn't a valid fear or feeling on your part that you're somehow inadequate or that she might think you are, but I would say that fear is at least partly due to what "society" says.

Again, communicate with her. Don't be afraid to tell her you have this fear. The mind magnifies the negative; if you keep that to yourself, the longer this goes on, the more you'll fear being inadequate or being seen that way. I hope that intellectually, at least, you can see that someone having the desire for sex with more than one person doesn't necessarily have anything at all to do with their partner.

It's also entirely normal for a couple's sex life to decline a bit when a baby comes along. Parenting is a LOT of work and energy, and added to that, sometimes it's hard for people to reconcile "they're a parent" with "they're my sexy partner I like to fuck." If someone sees their partner as "mom" or "dad," seeing them as a sexual partner can cause some serious cognitive dissonance at first. It might be that that's part of what's going on with your girlfriend; not that you don't satisfy her, but that with you, she's "parent", whereas with these other men, she's "woman." (That's purely speculation on my part, obviously, but it wouldn't be unusual; that's why some people cheat very soon before or after a baby is born.)

I'm sorry if I'm being too lecturey. The whole "society says" thing has done a whole lot of damage to me and to other people I'm close to, so it's kind of a hot button for me.
 
sometimes it's hard for people to reconcile "they're a parent" with "they're my sexy partner I like to fuck." not that you don't satisfy her, but that with you, she's "parent", whereas with these other men, she's "woman."
This is a very insightful I agree our dynamic has changed. In time i'm sure things will go back to me not being just a parent. I want her to think of me like she did before. Thank you so much, this really helps. (I also stopped calling her by her pet name, which was a strong part of our roleplay. So I will start doing that again) :)

I'm sorry if I'm being too lecturey. The whole "society says" thing has done a whole lot of damage to me and to other people I'm close to, so it's kind of a hot button for me.
I'm sorry for bringing that topic into the discussion.

Does it really matter to you what "some people"--some anonymous strangers who might not even actually exist--might say about your girlfriend?
In no way do I care about what others would say about my girlfriend or our relationship. I don't care about society or anything I would never "control" my girlfriend or try to change her.

I will communicate more but it feels like i'm asking 1000 questions sometimes.
 
Not really. it's more like I have a problem with my own perception of what FWM means.

Well, what does "FWB" mean to you? What do you find problematic about it?

"FWB is a problem because because then I would have to _____."

How would you fill that in?


I want to ask, but if it's true I know I will feel worse as a boyfriend and it may put greater stress on the relationship.

Or she will tell you what she wants, you do it, and there. You guys are content again. You could stop being so fearful of honest communication. And you could stop jumping to doom conclusions. Actually ASK to see what you ACTUALLY have on your hands.

Let me lift this up to you from before:

It was very bad i was scared; my mind was filled with the worst thoughts I could imagine. But last night i finally said what was on my mind and we communicated properly and all my fears went away.

You felt BETTER after talking things out with her. So keep talking things out. Stop shrinking yourself.

I think she puts more effort into seeing the other men then me. things like wearing her best dress, doing hair and makeup, and Shaving her body. She NEVER straitens her hair but will do it for another man to meat his wants. I just think she is changing herself for them and she doesn't believe in things like that.

Could tell her YOU are bored of it always being "parent mode" between you. That sometimes you want it to be "couple mode" where you both doll up for each other and go out on a date without the baby. Reconnect as "lovers" and not always be "mommy and daddy."

You see her put the extra effort for other people, and miss that she doesn't do it with you. Could she please be willing to make space to date YOU again too?

Ask for what you need. And if you haven't been putting in the effort and asking her out, YOU start putting in the effort too. It cannot be all on her. The tending and care of the (you + her) relationship is on both you and her.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Danna529,

When it comes to FWB or casual sex, it seems like it's either something you understand, or that you can't understand. Like how does a FWB person explain that dynamic to a non-FWB person? "I have sex with this person, but I don't have any romantic feelings with this person." For some of us that logic just doesn't compute. Like sex always comes with romantic feelings. It has to. So how do I explain when it doesn't?

I can assure you that your girlfriend is not by any means the only person who experiences casual sex. Nor the only person who experiences FWB sex. She can be friends with someone, and love them in that way, but not love them in a romantic way, even if she has sex with them. I can't explain how that happens, I can only assure you that it does happen. And this does not make her a slut, it just makes her nonmonogamous in a sex-positive way.

Whatever your fears are, I would encourage you to give those fears voice when you are with your girlfriend. "I am afraid you are having sex with other people because sex with me is inadequate. Am I wrong?" If you're not wrong, she could tell you what you could do different to spice things up. In that sense, asking her if you could do better in the bedroom is a part of doing your best. So, don't leave that part out.

Can you get a babysitter, so that you and your girlfriend could go on a formal date together? How long has it been since the last time you went on a formal date together? If anything is lacking in the bedroom, that could very well be part of it.

Check out Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ, it may help you get a better understanding of poly in general.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone for helping me to understand I will talk to my partner about everything we have said. You really have helped.

At the start I only gave my girlfriend 2 rules to be safe and to let me know where she was especially staying overnight or a weekend.

After 3 weeks of seeing other men I found out tonight she didn't tell me honestly who she was seeing or that she was staying in wales. I am unable to reach her and only found out through a mutual friend where she was.

More communication is needed.
 
At the start I only gave my girlfriend 2 rules to be safe and to let me know where she was especially staying overnight or a weekend.

I assume you meant you asked her if she would agree to those two points. Did she agree?

That's sounds reasonable to me for basic agreements. Practice safer sex and let you know where she's gonna be if she is overnighting somewhere.

After 3 weeks of seeing other men I found out tonight she didn't tell me honestly who she was seeing or that she was staying in wales. I am unable to reach her and only found out through a mutual friend where she was.

If she agreed, it sounds like she's breaking the agreements already.

Do clear things up with her. It's fine to practice an Open relationship. But going incommunicado while you deal with the baby care and expecting you to be thrilled with that arrangement? You don't sound ok with that.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl

yes she agreed to them

just got off the phone with her and had a long talk she feels devastated

today has been very long for me I started today wanting to learn more and imbrace this part of who she is. now it ended with tears. Wales is really far away people dont justpop on over for quick visits. or casual sex

this is why i feel she puts the other men first its over £50 a ticket

I'm truly sorry for my problems today i wanted to have a good experiance and now i'm telling strangers my problems because i have no other way to vent them.
 
I'm sorry it's been a rough day.

I think it is fair for her to experience natural consequences of her choices. If she feels bad getting caught cheating on agreements? Maybe that's ok for her to feel that so she resolves to make better choices next time. It isn't you doing things TO her. She did it to herself.

I think it matters more what she's going to DO in her behaviors from this point forward. Is she going to apologize? Promise to keep agreements from now on? Or not?

If you have the original problem of ("Partner, you are sneaking around cheating on agreements. We need to talk that out.") with her?

And then you end up going on a side trip conversation of (comfort her because she feels bad she cheated on agreements) ? And it ends up draining you? I think you might have to exercise better boundaries. Let her sort that part out herself. You aren't being uncaring, but you cannot be doing ALL the emotional work here. YKWIM?

Stick to the original topic if you have limited energy. No "side trip" conversations.

You might also think about creating a local support system for your own self. It's ok to vent on here, but Internet people cannot babysit for you, bring you dinner, help you with the house chores if a problem comes up and you need support in "real life" ways. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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I think it is fair for her to experience natural consequences of her choices. If she feels bad getting caught cheating on agreements? Maybe that's ok for her to feel that so she resolves to make better choices next time. It isn't you doing things TO her. She did it to herself.

I think it matters more what she's going to DO in her behaviors from this point forward. Is she going to apologize? Promise to keep agreements from now on? Or not?

Yes, it is NOT about her flipping things and feeling "devastated." She stepped in it and she needs to own it.

It is not okay for her to leave the child that both of you had with just YOU and not tell you where she is.
 
So, there is nothing at all wrong with being mono. You sound like a good person and a good boyfriend.

There is nothing wrong with being poly, either.

Some people can choose between the two, and maybe some people can't.

If you can't or don't choose to be poly, in the sense of at least accepting your girlfriend's stated preference, you may keep her (if she chooses to accept your world views, but you will frustrate her life goals in the process) or you may lose her.

If you choose to accept fully your girlfriend, and if she is honest and loving, chances are she will love you just as much or more in the future than she has in the past and she will have the chance to live a life that has full meaning to her. But you will get less time with her and may have to listen to her sweet talking to others along the way.

It does sound like 'the old way' in which you verbally accepted her stated preferences, and she didn't act on them, is no longer sustainable. I say that in all respect because my relationship was at the same point at one time.

Life's a high stakes game and there is no safe way through.
 
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you will get less time with her and may have to listen to her sweet talking to others along the way.

I understand I will get less time with my girlfriend, but this month We haven't been our usual selves all the flirting and playfulness has vanished. she has been staying over at the other men's places 2-3 times a week I can't help feel like i'm being replaced and we have spoken nearly every night having open discussions.

I have been trying my very best to be supportive and trusting of my girlfriend but maybe it's my up-bringing, personal experience or morals but I see sex as an exclusive personal thing.
 
You seem to be saying that sex is a special thing just for two people to share. Or at least that is how you see it. If that is true, then it is no wonder why it hurts and bothers you for your girlfriend to stay at other men's places. Let alone 2-3 times a week! I hope she is not replacing you, but there are no guarantees.
 
If you see sex as an exclusive thing? I suggest you stop doing this poly thing with your GF. Bow out. You can honor your wish to be free FROM anything poly while trying to understand that she wants to be free TO pursue poly. You guys have different outlooks on life and romances. Not esp compatible sounding.

It is possible you are being replaced or abandoned. I hope not, but if you think it is happening rather than talk yourself out of it or burying head in sand about it? Face it and assess it. ARE you being replaced/abandoned?

I would hate for this situation to be you saddled with childcare and parenting responsibilities while she's off having good times and ignoring her responsibilities. That would NOT be ethical poly to me.

But if that is ALSO happening here? It's not just different views on romance but abandonment of you and the child? You have to deal with it. Sort it out so you have custody of kid and she can just take off.

Then you and the baby can have some stability rather than all this upheaval. Better single parent than shenanigans.

Galagirl
 
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