My long term partner came out as poly

Littleduckidoo

New member
It is kind of a long story and I am looking for advice, i think. My long term partner came out to me as poly 6 months into our serious relationship. He is my first serious relationship and I love him very much, we have been together for over a year now. I have always been okay with poly people, i even had a kind of poly fling in high school. But I felt kind of...cheated? That isnt the best word but Idk how else to describe it. I came into the relationship understanding it to be mono and that is what I wanted. Unfortunately we discussed his polyamory but eventually it kind of got dropped, I was upset because I love him of course and we were long diatance and I knew I wouldnt be able to handle a poly relationship while long distance. I missed him enough as it was and I couldn't stand the idea of sharing him with another person. The idea of someone getting to be with him all the time when I only get to see him for one or two days every two or three months. We both decided it was best to wait for any form of expiramentation with polyamory. Moving forward, I moved in with him a little before our anniversary and everything had been going well. After a little while I decided we could at least TRY being a bit more open. Starting with role playing with people online. We had set rules such as no exchanging pictures, we were allowed to read each others messeges, and it stayed on the one app, among other rules. All was well until I found out he was sending pictures to someone, blurring the lines of reality in their rp, and he was hiding it on another app. I had planned on opening up the relationship a bit more and allowing him to send pictures and recieve them if he wanted to. I also found someone who wanted to role play with both of us. But after finding this I was hurt. He had broken simple rules while I was putting myself out there to try to incorperate his relationship desires into my own. Afterwards I allowed him to keep that rp buddy if he promised to stop burring the lines of reality and sending pictures. They had becone friends and I didnt want to control him like that. But later I found that they had sent videos to eachother and I said I wanted him to stop talking to her since he had onve again pushed the limits I had been trying to expand. After talking to me, she asked me to remove her from his contacts, she didn't know I existed and felt terrible, she was very sweet and the whole situation made me feel terrible because I believe she cared for him. Anyways, it has been awhile and despite us almost breaking up over everything we are doing well. We went back to basics and worked on rebuilding our relationship (call me crazy but I really do love him) we are doing well and there are no signs of him pushing any peramiters that I have put up. We are currently strictly mono. But I have been thinking and I know what it is like to love two people at once. I do right now. Ive loved this girl from highschool for three years and despite her having a bf and being my best friend, I do love her. She knows, and while she is curious, she and her bf are mono and I respect their relationship. But I still love her, and I deffinately love him. So despite being demisexual...I have fallen in love with two people. So I can kind of understand how he feels...kind of. He and the girl from high school...we will call her Katie and him Matt get along really well and I could honestly see being in a poly relationship with them if she weren't in a mono relationship with someone else. But the idea of anyone else worries me. I dont have feelings for anyone else and I would hate to start something poly as a trial and then tell him I cant handle it and ask him to leave the other person. That isnt fair. And worse he could just decide to leave me for said other person. I think the only kinds of poly relationship I could handle (I have spent a lot of time thinking about this) is swinging with another couple, nothing serious (which might be fun sexually but Im not really like that, I have to have a romantic bond as well) so like...romantic and sexual swinging? And a serious third that gets introduced slowly but eventually becomes just as equal of a partner as either of us. I know I would need a slow transition if this were to work, which would require another experianced, and patient poly person. What do you guys think? I know I need to discuss it with him, but what are your thoughts and suggestions? Should I just leave it be? I mean, I dont want to ignore his relationship preferance, but it already bit me in the ass once, ya know? How can I get rid of this trained ideology of monogamy? My Kik is chechirewolf, please feel free to messege me there, I hope I will be able to respond and discuss here, but I dont really know this cite very well. Thank you for reading and any advice you might have
 
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Hi!

Before reading you post, I make a request. You have a 12 hour edit window. Would you please edit to add paragraph breaks?

Like this.

You'll get more people to read your posts that way. A wall of text is daunting. Thanks!
 
I dont want to ignore his relationship preferance, but it already bit me in the ass once, ya know?

His relationship preference didn't bite you in the ass, his cheating bit you in the ass. Are you sure that he is Poly and not just reluctant to commit to a woman so far away? People who cheat on agreements are people who are not OK with the relationship parameters and don't know how or are too afraid to change them. "Honey, I'm poly" seems to be an increasingly more popular way to say, "Don't fence me in."
 
My long term partner came out to me as poly 6 months into our serious relationship.

True polyamory can be a difficult choice when you first start dating. It's different than "playing the field," or swinging.

He is my first serious relationship... we have been together for over a year now.

I had a kind of poly fling in high school. But I felt kind of...cheated?

It's normal to want the security of one on one when you're quite young and need a good deal of trust to explore intimacy.

I came into the relationship understanding it to be mono, and that is what I wanted... we discussed his polyamory but eventually it kind of got dropped...

Oops. And yet here you are, still together and trying to be polyamorous, despite you personally preferring monogamy.

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a poly relationship while long distance.

And yet, you're still not being true to yourself, and still mucking around with "poly." (Hint: it's not really polyamory, what you're doing. I will explain below.)

The idea of someone getting to be with him all the time when I only get to see him for one or two days every two or three months. We both decided it was best to wait for... polyamory.

I moved in with him a little before our anniversary


So you started out long distance... maybe met on an online game? But then you moved to his town/city/state, into his home, after not actually doing normal dating, with each of you having your own place?

I decided we could at least TRY... role playing with people online.

We had set rules such as no exchanging pictures, we were allowed to read each others messages, and it stayed on the one app.... I found out he was sending pictures to someone... and he was hiding it...

So he cheated on your (admittedly restrictive) rules or agreements. Red flag there. It's already not "polyamory." Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, where everyone involved knows, and joyfully agrees/consents, to the arrangement of multiple loves. It's not cheating, and it's not just sex based. It doesn't usually involved mere (sexual?) role playing in a fantasy setting. It's real life. But I understand you're young, and were just experimenting with openness regarding sex, not with true polyamory, yet.

I had planned on opening up the relationship a bit more and allowing him to send pictures and receive them if he wanted to.

I also found someone who wanted to role play with both of us.

So, you wanted to try a sexual threesome, in your fantasy game? (Second Life? Is that still around?)

He had broken simple rules while I was putting myself out there to try to incorporate his relationship desires into my own. Afterwards, I allowed him to keep that rp buddy if he promised to stop blurring... sending pictures... But later I found that they had sent videos to each other...

More cheating!

...and I said I wanted him to stop talking to her since he had once again pushed the limits... she asked me to remove her from his contacts...

How could you, or why would you, remove her from his contacts? Shouldn't that be her job, or his?

She didn't know I existed and felt terrible... the whole situation made me feel terrible, because I believe she cared for him.

Obviously, thanks to this cheating man, both his female sex partners felt terrible!!

We went back to basics and worked on rebuilding our relationship ... there are no signs of him pushing any parameters that I have put up.

It's good to make your needs and desires known. Usually boundaries are mutual agreements between adults. You mention more than once how you personally do this and that, allow this and that. I hope these are truly mutual agreements, after all his cheating.

We are currently strictly mono... I know what it is like to love two people at once. I've loved this girl from high school for three years and despite her having a bf and being my best friend, I do love her. She knows, and while she is curious, she and her bf are mono and I respect their relationship.

But I still love her, and I definitely love him. So despite being demisexual... I can kind of understand how he feels... He and the girl from high school... we will call her Katie and him Matt... get along really well, and I could honestly see being in a poly relationship with them if she weren't in a mono relationship with someone else. But the idea of anyone else worries me.

You want to practice polyamory with your current bf and your best friend. Is she even bi? Out of respect for her being mono with her bf, it would be ethical to not push anything. There is a big difference between having a crush on someone, and actually practicing ethical non-monogamy, with all parties' full and joyful consent.

And I will point out that, despite it probably being arousing to fantasize group sex with Katie and Matt, it could be you as the hinge, and keeping Matt and Katie as separate arms of a V. Poly does NOT mean threeway sex.

If Katie opened her relationship with her bf, she could then also be a hinge with you as one arm of the V, and her mono bf as the other arm of the V.

And your bf Matt could have another gf with himself as a hinge and you and the other woman as the arms of the V. This is how polyamory usually works, as a network, not one big orgy. That allows for changing feelings between individual couples, that doesn't necessitate the entire apple cart being tipped over if one couple breaks up.

I would hate to start something poly as a trial and then tell him I cant handle it, and ask him to leave the other person. That isnt fair.

This is correct. It is not ethical to have a "veto agreement" between one couple. That makes any other significant other into a disposable chew toy, a sex puppet. Highly disrespectful. Already you have the collateral damage role playing girl.

And worse, he could just decide to leave me for said other person.

That's not exactly worse... And it's also something that can happen anytime in any relationship configuration. People leave relationships and break up for many reasons. It's actually less common to "leave one person for another" in poly, because the entire point is loving, and wanting to be in relationship with, more than one person at once.

I think the only kinds of poly relationship I could handle is swinging with another couple, nothing serious. Which might be fun sexually, but I'm not really like that. I have to have a romantic bond as well, so like...romantic and sexual swinging?

You want to do a poly quad. You want to fuck people you love. So swinging is right out.

But if you attempt a polyamorous quad: Have you thought about the repercussions? What if one of the quad loses feelings for one or the other of the partners? Example: Say Bob and Sally meet Jim and Jane. You do sexual swaps. MF MF. What if Jane decides she no longer desires Bob, but Jim still desires Sally? Or what if Jane and Sally are really into each other, FF, but the guys don't really like each other much, or at all? Or what if Bob and Sally break up, but Sally really likes Jane, but Jane likes Bob, but that makes Sally upset?

And so on ad infinitum.

And a serious third that gets introduced slowly, but eventually becomes just as equal of a partner as either of us.

Triads are just as hard as quads, for the same reasons. And unless you live in a really progressive city, going out and about as a triad is going to cause issues with friends and family. Generally the unicorn, the hot bi babe, feels "less than" for a long time, if not forever.

Most poly people date separately, even if a both members of a couple decide to try poly. Partner A gets his own OSO. Partner B gets her own, separate, OSO. This is actually much less complicated than trying to share a partner, in a unicorn hunter way.

And there are mono/poly couples, where one person is poly, and the other isn't much interested in it, but decides to agree to let her partner date, as long as her own relationship needs are being met.

I know I would need a slow transition if this were to work, which would require another experienced, and patient poly person. I know I need to discuss it with him. Should I just leave it be? I dont want to ignore his relationship preference, but it already bit me in the ass once.

No, it's the elephant in the room. You have to come to a satisfactory agreement, or break up.

How can I get rid of this trained ideology of monogamy?

Read around this board. Do a tag search for opening up, couple privilege, jealousy, triad, cheating.


click on "User cp" at the top to see when people respond to your thread.

There is another good sort of poly 101 website called More Than Two. And also a book by the same person who runs that site. And another good book is Opening Up.

I am sure you'll feel much better once you inform yourself about how successful polyamory really works.
 
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His relationship preference didn't bite you in the ass, his cheating bit you in the ass. Are you sure that he is Poly and not just reluctant to commit to a woman so far away?

They currently live together, and have for 6 months.
 
Paragraph breaks would help with readability.

I'm sorry you struggle. Do you want to be doing poly? You seem to prefer monogamy. And like you are thinking about doing poly to avoid breaking up with him.

It's only been about a year or two of dating. Not very long at all. And since he withheld info for 6 mos (that he's poly and his not disclosing that earlier makes you feel used/cheated somehow/not happy about it), and he's cheated on agreements at least twice that you know of (with sharing pix and then videos)... why keep investing here? :confused:

I get that you love him. But love is not enough for a long term relationship. There must be deep compatibility. (Which if you want monogamy and he wants poly there isn't.) There must be trust. (Which if he keeps cheating on agreements, is weak. And kinda mean. Why bother to agree if he's not going to hold them up? It's kinder and more honest to tell you "No. I cannot/will not do that. I do not agree." )

I think the only kinds of poly relationship I could handle (I have spent a lot of time thinking about this) is swinging with another couple, nothing serious (which might be fun sexually but Im not really like that, I have to have a romantic bond as well) so like...romantic and sexual swinging?

Swinging is not poly. And usually swinging AVOIDS connections like romance. It's supposed to be causal and recreational. So if you need a romantic connection to share sex, then swinging is not for you.


And a serious third that gets introduced slowly but eventually becomes just as equal of a partner as either of us. I know I would need a slow transition if this were to work, which would require another experienced, and patient poly person.

And do you imagine dating this partner too? Or is this a V?

I don't know about the hypothetical third, but you don't seem to have "experienced and patient" in the BF. What you have there is a cheater. It's not like poly is going to fix that. People can cheat on their polyamorous agreements too.

I'm also concerned you might be trying to bend yourself into pretzels just to keep going with this guy and avoid breaking up because you are in love.

You can love someone a whole lot. Even 49% of your love. But the other 51% you leave for loving YOU and taking good care of yourself. So you can say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Is doing this like this hurting you? :(

I have always been okay with poly people, i even had a kind of poly fling in high school. But I felt kind of...cheated? That isnt the best word but Idk how else to describe it. I came into the relationship understanding it to be mono and that is what I wanted.

I mean, I dont want to ignore his relationship preferance, but it already bit me in the ass once, ya know?

Are you ignoring YOUR preference?

I think you could talk to him and tell him you are done with cheating on agreements. And while breaking up sucks, part ways so you can go seek the mono relationship you want and he can go seek the poly relationship he wants.

That may not be what you want to hear. I'm sorry. :(

I just don't see any good coming out of you bending yourself into pretzels to accommodate him if it comes with a price of you dinging your own self. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hello Littleduckidoo,

It concerns me that Matt can't be trusted to follow the rules he agrees to. If he is going to break a rule, he should be giving you fair warning ahead of time, at least. Better still, he should be coming to you ahead of time and asking for a renegotiation on whichever rule he is wanting to discard. Instead he just breaks whatever rules he wants to, and it sounds like he keeps the fact a secret until you find out without his help. I have no reservations about poly per se, but I do have reservations about Matt, I'm sorry to say. You love him. Do you trust him?

If you're going to continue to be his partner, you should probably talk with him about polyamory. He has identified as poly and that isn't likely to go away. If you insist that he be monogamous with you, he could end up resenting you or even seeing someone behind your back. Ease into poly if you can, just be sure that you won't start resenting him!

Those are my thoughts for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think having a bunch of crazy rules is a fairly common newbie mistake. If you need rules like that you are not ready.

Likewise, he is not ready either. He claims to be poly yet is operating like a mono, hiding his wife. That's not poly.

You both need to read up on how to do things ethically, then decide if you can.
 
Better still, he should be coming to you ahead of time and asking for a renegotiation on whichever rule he is wanting to discard. Instead he just breaks whatever rules he wants to

Gosh Kevin you are another one with such warm, supportive comments. Really great listening skills.

You've really hit the bulls-eye here I think on something that looks tragic to me.

Our OP says she was ready to open up more with them sending pictures back and forth... but he had already broken the agreement.

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Had he been fully open about his wishes as you say here, it turns out she was ready for it.

You can get what you want out of relationships, Littleduckidoo. Poly or no. By having very clear ideas of what you want and then using those to filter what people you associate with.

This is a hard call for me with the "outing" of Poly six months into a serious relationship. If it got real serious quick, that was a lie by omission, and a pretty damned important one.

But then the two of you seem to have had a pretty clear agreement on waiting while your relationship was long-distance (maybe), and then tip-toeing into it after you moved in together.

The problem is this guy acting before agreeing. To me, this is a red flag. It is clear there are other things you don't know about. He doesn't volunteer information, and he conceals. The only question is how much more there is, both before living together and after.

Generally, illicit behavior is driven further underground when it is outed so don't be too cheerful that nothing new has cropped up yet. By the law of trickle truth and escalation, it is required that you up the level of spying to acquire more information.

That isn't poly. It's a covert war.
 
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