Volunteer community safety team

I imagine such a group as RedPepper proposes would serve a similar function as LGBTQ centers and orgs: the usual channels of support are not (or have not been) open to people who are not hetero-gender norm. Most crisis hotlines are manned by volunteers that likely have no idea how to respond to a poly situation. Forget crises, even appropriate therapy is difficult to find for some people in poly relationships. Seems like Red Pepper's intention is to create a poly community response of relationship support that would actually be familiar with and supportive of poly relationships.

It sounds more like creating an unneeded power structure, but that's just my opinion.

I may have misinterpreted the gossip comment earlier but I still think that it genuinely sounds like a bad idea. Unqualified people attempting mediation/counselling/whatever? The KAP directory is a great choice for people looking for poly or kink friendly counselors who are qualified.
 
Again, I think you are objecting to things that aren't actually there. RP has specifically said they don't want to act as mediators.
 
Hi RP,

Are we supposed to assume that you are speaking of one certain city's polyamorous community? I'm just checking, since all you say is "community."

Are we also to assume that this poly community (?) is one that meets as a group often, or in smaller groups, or at parties, events, etc.? Kind of a big poly network, where everyone knows everyone else? And people change partners and end up dating or being in relationships with their friends' exes and so on? And much gossip and backstabbing goes on? That sounds unfortunate.

It also sounds kind of claustrophobic. I have been actively poly for 10 years in a progressive area, but never think of myself as being in a "poly community."

But you apparently have a tightly-knit and very gossipy poly community? And there are sketchy people in it who often hurt someone and then go on to hurt others? And now you feel a need for a "team" of people to provide "links" on adult relationship-conflict resolution, to try to prevent actual emotional or physical abuse, nonconsensual touching, full-on attacks, rapes?

So you, and others, feel you need a "team" of "point people," one of whom who will approach a person who has been accused of some kind of abuse, to give them "links" to help them be better at adult romantic relationships? And you will approach them without being invited by them to do so? And if a particular "point person" has had former intimate dealings with the accused person, they will "pass" this accused person on to another "point person" who has not had intimate dealings with them?

And while the team of point people will keep confidentiality between themselves about the accuser and accused, they will spend much time between themselves analyzing this adult relationship, while not being trained therapists themselves?

And there are so many sketchy people in your tightly-knit poly community, you feel a need to "train" some of these members on how to relate more responsibly, to prevent them from going around and hurting many others in the poly community?

And just to remind myself, you, RP, are not poly, have not practiced polyamory since you were cheated on by one of your poly partners some years back, and you do not even "love" your present long-term boyfriend, but you want to give information to others about how to relate responsibly in polyamorous romantic relationships?

This online board does give out support, information and even advice to people who are having trouble in poly relationships, as you know. The benefit of this board is, it is (mostly, as far as possible) anonymous, which prevents the gossip you feel runs rampant in your real-life tightly-knit community.

I hear you are trying to prevent gossip from ruining the reputations of people in your group. Is that one of your main goals? I don't see the necessity of such a "team of point people," except maybe for the fact we don't have enough trained therapists who can help troubled poly relationships, so you are trying to fill the gaps.

I just can't imagine a "poly community" agreeing, as a whole, that it's okay for a member of a team of point people to go knocking on the door of someone... accused of... something, to offer information, support and advice, without being invited by that person.

How would that not be seen as invasion of privacy?
 
Are we also to assume that this poly community (?) is one that meets as a group often, or in smaller groups, or at parties, events, etc.? Kind of a big poly network, where everyone knows everyone else? And people change partners and end up dating or being in relationships with their friends' exes and so on? And much gossip and backstabbing goes on? That sounds unfortunate.

Oh but oh so real. Especially if you add "kink" in with the poly. Because that's what this whole thread is skirting around, right?
 
Oh but oh so real. Especially if you add "kink" in with the poly. Because that's what this whole thread is skirting around, right?

If that's what it is, a kink community, not just a group of poly people, I can see the problem. I don't belong to a kink community, although I am kinky and have some kinky, poly friends.

I PMed Spork and directed her to this thread. She is a volunteer at a kink club and does have dealings with what you might call predatory men. And, if I recall correctly, her blog detailed a recent event where a "new hot young" woman joined the club, causing a rush towards her, and conflict.

I am not an exhibitionist, so I don't go to kink clubs or "play" in large groups where things can go awry. I have been mistreated in relationships, and have had self-styled Doms do some uncomfortable things to me, but I've never sent out a general warning about them to others in my area.
 
Well, hey!

I get the desire to help with situations that arise. I was warned when I joined my kink community (which is a poly community too, because I'd say at least half if not more of the people there are poly) that "there is drama." Well, duh. I see "drama" as nothing but a byproduct of humans humaning together in groups. Add in the fact that so many are using the group as their dating pool, and relationships are forming and dissolving all the time, and it's a wonder we manage to not fly apart at the seams. Yet, we manage. I frankly think it could be far worse than it is.

We have discussion groups, lots of them, that are like group therapy, of sorts. We do have a "what's said in the group stays in the group" sort of policy, but it's pretty difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. And we have the club owner who has the final say on consent violations when action needs to be taken (such as banning members from the club). And we have a Leadership Council, which I am part of, and subcommittees to that. Those of us on the Council and committees have signed non-disclosure agreements, so official business, or identifying info on members, is not something we can splash around. (Though no one is sure that those NDAs are legally binding, they are at least a good ethical step.)

Those of us on the Council do help facilitate discussions, sometimes.

The hard part here is how exactly do you prevent your team from letting their own personal biases as individuals come into play? It can be incredibly hard to stay "true-neutral." Everyone has opinions, and sometimes you would take a side in a rightfully-so sense. I mean, sometimes you just know bullshit when you hear it, right? So expecting anyone to be able to really, truly stay absolutely neutral and never take a side would be difficult.

There are challenges in this whole concept, but I don't necessarily look at it and think, "That's a terrible idea!" The fact is, when people have conflict, it will be natural for them to seek outlets to process it. For many of us, that will mean talking to friends. If you managed to create a space and a small group who are at least TRYING to keep neutrality and confidentiality and give people somewhere to go with issues, I can see the value in that, as opposed to just letting the gossip run wild wherever it will. Of course, you cannot control anyone so they'll tell whoever, whatever they want anyway. Will it truly help, then?

And what if they try to pin accountability on your team for outcomes that were not within your control?

Furthermore, I'd caution that sometimes you have the best intentions and your desire to help everyone involved just doesn't go the way you want, and instead of things ending up less dramatic, your involvement creates triangulation and therefore MORE drama. In recent pages of my blog I talk about the situation Magdlyn mentioned. I had a friend I brought into our club, she's the hot young new girl, all fresh and untouched and enthusiastic, bright-eyed newbie type.

A poly man leapt at the chance to try and date her, but she was not expressing what seemed like enthusiastic consent to me. One of his pre-existing partners felt threatened and upset. I was trying to empower the new girl to either consent with enthusiasm, or else, for the love of god, just say NO to this man if that's where she was at. I was trying, at the same time, to talk his other partner off her ledge (daily, for a while there) and tell her this new girl was not a threat.

When the man found out his previously-existing partner was discussing (processing) "his personal business" with me/others, he broke up with her, which has been nearly devastating for her to deal with. The new girl meanwhile hit her "nope" point with the "drama" and has cut ties with the club and stopped even being friends with me. So despite my desire to HELP, it all just blew up.

And (sorry for the novel here) that's going to be the risk. Your intentions are great, you want to help, you try to be ethical... and it just ends up a mess instead, leaving you feeling more responsible than you'd like for a whole lot of hurt feelings and negative outcomes.

So, if anything, I would watch out for triangulation, maintain very strong confidentiality, do NOT take on the role of mediator (unless both parties are in the room together) and avoid being go-betweens. Make it more about offering resources, such as life coaching, poly/kink friendly counselors, crisis centers, etc. Like, create a directory and do the work of maintaining active records on who is taking new clients, who is responsive to phone calls, etc. Try to even get educators to your group, if you can, like non-violent communication classes. Focus on giving people tools to better manage their own lives, rather than taking an active role in trying to manage the people.
 
The more I read on this thread the more I feel it's best just to let people handle themselves. I see this 'safety team' only leading to more drama, taking sides when none of them were actually there, taking sides without knowing the full truth, etc.


This might be a case of MYOB.
 
The simple version:

People (the poly community [in my city] and overlapping communities, i.e., BDSM) are gossiping/defaming/ostracizing each other by way of posting on local groups, etc. The fear that abuse is happening has mounted at times over stories that no one quite gets a full pictures of from people who are obviously hurt/have feelings/been abused/traumatized and are making their stories public. The stories are not about partners of theirs but about consent violations, although, I imagine we may hear stories about people's partners at some point.

A bunch of us concerned POLYAMOROUS citizens (acting or not, their description of themselves is their business... irrelevant) decided to see if we could help in some way by being a confidential and private sounding board for people who feel they are in positions of perceived concern (their perception).

No one will be blamed, targeted, called out, unless it comes to pass that professionals get involved. No one will police, therapize, mediate, or give professional advice, as we are NOT professionals.

Our purpose is to, very simply, be somewhere people can go when they need someone to stand by them as they sort their shit out, one way or another. That includes the possibility of being given references if they would like them and by bouncing their complaint (in their own words) through us, so that they are not approaching the person they are complaining about on their own, or dragging the entire larger community into it. We'd mostly be silent witnesses.

Edit: if there is a need to approach the person they are complaining about, in order to start a reconciliation, then we will be there for them to lean on. We will also offer the person being complained about someone for them to lean on, as no one in our group will be taking a side.
 
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Spork,

Thanks for your input! Totally helpful.

"The hard part here is...how exactly do you prevent your team from letting their own personal biases as individuals come into play? It can be incredibly hard to stay "true-neutral." Everyone has opinions, and sometimes you would take a side in a rightfully-so sense. I mean, sometimes you just know bullshit when you hear it, right? So expecting anyone to be able to really, truly stay absolutely neutral and never take a side would be difficult."

This is why I am here. We haven't done anything but talk about this, so far, and have come up with, as best as we can, a procedure to protect ourselves and to keep ourselves as neutral as possible. One of the reasons we would be sharing our interactions with the group would be to keep ourselves from becoming overly involved. It'll be super hard and that is why we have taken all summer to discuss our roles. We have more of this to do, I think, as it's probably THE most important part.

Who knows if we will get off the ground? We may not. The point has been more to do with the trying than the doing, at this point, because we believe that there is way too much chucking people out because they are causing drama. I'm talking about those who have been called out for causing it and those that have called it out.

Also, the use of the group would be for the public to decide. We might not have anyone use us. Furthermore, if the people involved are not interested in resolution, it ends there.
 
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