What's your 'number'?

5. I've been in two long term relationships since I was 17. Since going poly I've had three other people I've loved. I'm 40.

Less than most single people aged 40.

But, it's all about the intimacy for me, not the sex.
 
I lost count a few years ago when I had to scratch my head and ask, what constitutes "sex".

I have sex with women, that doesn't have to involve PIV obviously, so that can't be the criteria. If I hit someone on the cock or pussy with a flogger and they orgasm, is that sex? To take it to extremes, if I have a foot fetish, is someone sucking my toes sex?

It started to get to the point where it was difficult to quantify, so I just stopped counting and have continued my life.

I'm 35 years old. Stopped counting around 50 partners, with people of all gender persuasions.
 
This has me curious, so I am refreshing this thread.

I am a 56 y.o. heterosexual married man, poly in mind, but not in actions, at least as of yet. Below are my statistics. I'm showing me mine, now show me yours!

Age of losing virginity:18
Number of women I had vaginal intercourse with:4
Number of women who have gone down on me:4
Number of women I have gone down on:4
(3 of the 4 in the above categories are my wife and two long term girlfriends)
Number of women I've been naked and alone with:7
Number of women I've had anal intercourse with:1

I've had no same sex partners.
 
Okay wow.

So for me...

Full sex: 3 (2 were unintentional one-night stands)
Physical "Fooling Around"*: 9 total (including the 3 above)
Cyber/Phone Only: Too many to count

*This includes any non-PiV sexual activity from agressive makeouts through mutual oral
 
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I lost count a few years ago when I had to scratch my head and ask, what constitutes "sex".

A friend of mine defined sex as "any activity where if you had an orgasm it would be socially acceptable". There's probably exceptions to this but I thought it wasn't a bad definition
 
What does this even mean?
Are there unacceptable ways to have an orgasm? :confused:

Maybe I'm misremembering the phrasing but the concept made sense to me. I.e. would it be appropriate in the context, to everyone involved? Inappropriate times could be: during a work interview. Cuddling your mum.

I did like the alternative way of looking at it. Don't have a clear definition myself.
 
I'm not a big fan of necessarily associating sex with orgasms, either. Lots of people do have fulfilling sex lives without orgasm and it doesn't have to lead to one.

I don't know. I have a foot fetish. If I'm getting sexual pleasure when someone is sucking my toes, I think of that as sex. What's the difference really between that and licking my clit?

I find that the more activities that you get into, the harder it is to define sex.
 
I'm not a big fan of necessarily associating sex with orgasms, either. Lots of people do have fulfilling sex lives without orgasm and it doesn't have to lead to one.

Yes. And lots of people have unfulfilling sex lives without orgasms. If an orgasm were a necessity for "sex," then millions of mothers would be virgins.
 
Yes. And lots of people have unfulfilling sex lives without orgasms. If an orgasm were a necessity for "sex," then millions of mothers would be virgins.

Which is why from a very young age I found the fact that women are capable of multiple orgasms and yet often are given none to be a grave injustice of the highest order and have since strived to make my partner's pleasure the highest priority.

I recognize the irony in that there have even been times where I could not finish but I have been happy as long as my partner had. The difference is that this occurrance for me is rare, while globally the reverse is still sadly chronic.
 
Which is why from a very young age I found the fact that women are capable of multiple orgasms and yet often are given none to be a grave injustice of the highest order and have since strived to make my partner's pleasure the highest priority.

You might consider veering away from orgasm-centric sex altogether. When they happen, they are wonderful, of course, but an orgasm isn't what sexual pleasure is all about. The "your turn, my turn" style of sex is a fashion, it's not necessarily "good sex." Since the 90s, men have been schooled to "give" their female partners first dibs on the orgasm as some sort of show of being a good lover, but focusing on who goes first and how many times is to miss an enormous spectrum, indeed a web, of sexual pleasures and wonders. So many men evaluate their bedroom quality on whether they "give" an orgasm, how many times and in what order. For most women, satisfying sex has to do with far more than whether an orgasm was "given" to them.

The "you go first" mentality is a step up from "dump and jump," but it's still woefully limiting and male focused. Female sexuality has a lot to teach a man if he is wise enough to listen.
 
You might consider veering away from orgasm-centric sex altogether. When they happen, they are wonderful, of course, but an orgasm isn't what sexual pleasure is all about. The "your turn, my turn" style of sex is a fashion, it's not necessarily "good sex." Since the 90s, men have been schooled to "give" their female partners first dibs on the orgasm as some sort of show of being a good lover, but focusing on who goes first and how many times is to miss an enormous spectrum, indeed a web, of sexual pleasures and wonders. So many men evaluate their bedroom quality on whether they "give" an orgasm, how many times and in what order. For most women, satisfying sex has to do with far more than whether an orgasm was "given" to them.

The "you go first" mentality is a step up from "dump and jump," but it's still woefully limiting and male focused. Female sexuality has a lot to teach a man if he is wise enough to listen.

I'm going to have to disagree. I think it's "both and" not "either or." Mega orgasms are a result and a goal, for me, of the whole "web" or "spectrum" of my sexuality. When I was much younger I was capable of 3 orgasms with a partner, and one on my own. Finally in my early 40s, something changed in me or in my partner or in our relationship and I was then capable of unlimited orgasms, indeed, I could experience a whole range of orgasms to the point where I'd ride a wave of an almost continual orgasm on a good day.

Those are the best sexual experiences for me. And it's not "men" giving me orgasms. It might be a man, it might be a woman, it might be me. Saying "so many men" is woefully heterocentric. You're the one making it all about men.

I love orgasms.
 
I don't see anything wrong with trying to make someone feel good, as long as nobody takes it personally or as an indictment if other mitigating factors prevent it.

If one struggles to achieve, seeking help ro make sure everything is healthy is a good idea, but one should not be made to feel lesser for struggling. And if someone is on the Ace spectrum somewhere then it's perfectly logical to make it far less of a priority.

But that women's pleasure was for so long and in many ways continues to be overlooked is just messed up and I'm not going to stop trying to correct that.
 
I think that maybe the point is, ask your partner what they want, rather than just assuming that means lots of orgasms.
 
I don't see anything wrong with trying to make someone feel good, as long as nobody takes it personally or as an indictment if other mitigating factors prevent it.

If one struggles to achieve, seeking help to make sure everything is healthy is a good idea, but one should not be made to feel lesser for struggling. And if someone is on the Ace spectrum somewhere then it's perfectly logical to make it far less of a priority.

But that women's pleasure was for so long and in many ways continues to be overlooked is just messed up and I'm not going to stop trying to correct that.

I applaud your giving nature.

I think women are meant to be multi-orgasmic. At least most of us are. But we've been forced, with violence, with messages from repressive religions, indeed socially, from all directions, for 2 millennia, to repress our sexualities. Women were taught they were naturally NON sexual. They had their clitorises and labia cut off. They were brainwashed to ignore their need for sexual release, and called "hysterical" if they were horny. In the late 1800s and early 1900s, doctors were called in to give women orgasms to treat their "hysteria," and eventually invented vibrators to relieve the pain in their hands from masturbating so many women.

These same women were not getting sexual pleasure from their own husbands. Men would be grossed out if their "pure" wives showed any desire or lust. No, he'd go to sex workers, "low women," to have passionate "animalistic sex."

Now, if some of you female-identified people here don't want to cum, don't like to cum, fine. Tell your lovers not to bother themselves. I just hope most women here, who are positive enough about their autonomy and positive about their sexuality, are also enjoying orgasms, and are lucky enough to have partners who get off on making them cum.
 
I, personally, have never had sex with a woman, or a man for that matter, that didn't want to have an orgasm.
 
I think that maybe the point is, ask your partner what they want, rather than just assuming that means lots of orgasms.

Yes. This is the point.

My comments were heteronormative because the original statement was heteronormative. Of course we are all aware that men are not necessary for a female oragasm or for sex at all. And of course, we all love orgasms and of course we all know that women love them. That was not the point of my post. If anyone isn't interested in broadening their sexual experience by considering a more Tantric, languid and expanded view of sexual energy and pleasure, then by all means, just don't go there. My point was that the "your turn, my turn" sex script that seems to give a man the idea that he is a giving and heroic lover is trendy, overplayed and can be woefully unsatisfying. There is so much beyond that.
 
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Yes. This is the point.

My comments were heteronormative because the original statement was heteronormative. Of course we are all aware that men are not necessary for a female oragasm or for sex at all. And of course, we all love orgasms and of course we all know that women love them. That was not the point of my post. If anyone isn't interested in broadening their sexual experience by considering a more Tantric, languid and expanded view of sexual energy and pleasure, then by all means, just don't go there. My point was that the "your turn, my turn" sex script that seems to give a man the idea that he is a giving and heroic lover is trendy, overplayed and can be woefully unsatisfying. There is so much beyond that.

Karen, have you personally been with a man who wanted to give you "too many" orgasms??

LOL. I've heard of tantra. It sounds frustrating. If I want languid, I cuddle, I don't go into the arousal state. If I just want nice alpha waves, I pet a dog or cat. Or sew.

I guess we are just that different. I like "forced orgasm" porn. Yeah, baby! Force me to feel amazing! lol
 
I, personally, have never had sex with a woman, or a man for that matter, that didn't want to have an orgasm.

Agreed. I have been with older men who couldn't always cum, or had ED. They didn't like it. I find it frustrating too, but of course, it can be worked with, if you have to. I had one older bf who loved to use toys on me, since he couldn't always stay hard. It was fun. Not ideal, but fun.

I've also had lovers who were great with hands and mouths. And into kink. There is a range of things to do, of course. But orgasms, giving and getting them, are great. Just my opinion.
 
@Magdlyn: Thank you, and I agree 100%

@FallenAngelina: I agree with you too, and was not suggesting any kind of script. But because so many women still go through what Magdlyn described, I always ask for permission to try to change their minds if they've been conditioned that way.

I'm just very sex-positive, almost on an advocate level. The prudishness of the world and American society especially enrages me. The hypocritical double-standards on sex for anyone via kinkshaming and slutshaming, the way women are still kept down, the continuing struggles of gender and sexual minorities to find acceptance, the way grown adults on the spectrum are treated as children and stifled in their natural desires, the plight of people being forced into sex work, the plight of people who voluntarily and consentually persue careers as sex workers being unable to safely and "legally" practice their trade (I prefer decriminalization over legalization as the latter can actually get more exploitative), the amount of sexual violence that not only ruins lives but then gets used by equally horrible people to perpetuate sex-negativity, etc etc. I'm pretty passionate about it, pun intended.
 
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