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  #491  
Old 06-12-2018, 04:35 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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This weekend was largely low-key. I spent a lot of it, including the wee hours of Monday morning, being in serious pain from period cramps. So that was no fun. And the irritability turned Sunday gaming with five dogs into a massively frustrating chore instead of a fun event. I reactivated and fired up my OKC over the weekend, as well, but I'm not really into it and don't expect much will come of it.

Guitarist and I are probably going to go back to barriers soon, since his thing with Bee is ramping up. I feel like I should attach more emotional weight to that than I currently am. I really enjoy the experience of giving oral, and it's been nice to have a fuller range of sexual expression with Guitarist, but I'm not going to suck on plastic and he's not going to test regularly, so here we are. I'll probably be massively jealous in about 6 months or something, but right now, I'm feeling very ah well about the whole thing.

Every time I write about Bee I remember my youth dreams of some day having an apiary. But I'm allergic to everything outside and my nesting partner has a phobia of stinging insects, so that one is going to stay filed away in the "nice thought but probably never" drawer.

I'm feeling very meh about life in general, lately. I'm bored and restless in general, which is never a good sign as it applies to the rest of my mental state, and I'm feeling trapped, which is not good. I'm happy with who I am, but pretty unhappy with and trapped by a lot of my life choices. I could choose to change things, but I'm very change adverse in general, and these would be scary changes instead of deciding to stop conforming to a gender binary that I hate. And look at how long it took me to make that minor change. I'm trying to chalk this up to my period hormones, but I moved my therapy appointment up a week to next week anyway.
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"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #492  
Old 06-12-2018, 05:12 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Feeling trapped is one of my biggest fears and triggers. I find that feeling very difficult to deal with. It's so unpleasant that - eventually - I usually do something to alleviate the feeling. Change something, do something.

Boredom and frustration can often contribute to my feeling trapped. I don't know if that is true for you too AutumnLeaves.

Anyway, I feel you, as the kids say. I hope it eases soon.
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  #493  
Old 06-13-2018, 05:09 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Thank you. It helps to know that I'm not alone in how shitty this feeling is.

I wish there was something I could do to alleviate the trapped feeling brought on by about $100k of non-dischargeable debt, but there is literally nothing practical to do about it, short of entirely leaving my life and uprooting myself to a country where my fingerprints aren't on file.

Other life choices I presently resent the fuck out of include having a house with a lot of yard instead of having a condo where someone else takes care of the outdoors and also the major maintenance. But then I would have to give up Guitarist (whose music makes living in close proximity to other people difficult) and my dog (who, at 65 lbs, is too big for most neighborhood associations). A more practical solution would be hiring someone to take care of the lawn, but that's an expense I haven't felt like I can afford. Lawn care for an acre and half isn't going to be cheap. And I need to get my septic pumped this year, but the thought of making that phone call is giving me fits of panic attack. Probably because I'm stressed out about so much else.

I might have to make room for lawn care somewhere else in my budget. I am miserable, physically and emotionally, from the state of the yard. You know what's not great for a grass allergy? Living in a literal field. But that would trap me even more in my job for needing to maintain a certain level of income. Ugh. I need to just do it. Goats would be cooler, but also not inexpensive, and I worry about the local coyotes.

Life sucks. It always seems to suck more around my period, though, so I'm hoping that I'll feel less trapped and overwhelmed by the end of the week. If nothing else, I just have to make it to therapy next Monday.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #494  
Old 06-20-2018, 03:06 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I'm having a lot of Feelings today. Guitarist told me he was going to get up to sexy things with Bee, and they were getting tested, to which I was like "okay." And then he told me that he had got up to things with Bee, and they had gotten tested and weren't showing symptoms of anything, and hadn't gotten results. I think my brain parsed that as "hadn't tested positive," not "hadn't gotten results AT ALL."

It didn't really seem to matter because I've been on my period, and depressed, and not up to sexy times with Guitarist anyway. But lately I'd been feeling better and decided that wording was ambiguous, or maybe I was making it ambiguous because I didn't want to think about what that meant.

So I asked for clarification yesterday. So yes, he got up to unbarriered oral things with Bee, yes, they got tested but don't have results back yet.

I feel like my commitment to bodily autonomy is at war with my commitment to how seriously fucking irresponsible that seems. That's his choice, right? My choice is to not do anything barriered or otherwise with him for the time being.

But I'm having a lot of Feelings that I'm trying to sort out. I asked him to tell me, he told me. I have all the information I need to make my choices. I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I'm disappointed? And feeling moderately judgmental?

I don't know, but I'm not getting much work done today.

The one feeling I do know is that I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling like I get all the downsides of polyamory without many of the benefits. Breakups! Uncertainty! My only other partner is an LDR and that doesn't look to be changing any time soon! Oh and my nesting partner keeps throwing new shit at me!

I'm about 110% done with this whole damn thing. I want to move to a fucking island with my pets and never speak to another human again.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #495  
Old 06-20-2018, 03:46 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I think what is bothering me is that the unilateral decision-making to proceed without a NEGATIVE test, when Guitarist should have known that would really bother me, feels very inconsiderate of my feelings as a partner. No, I don't have the right to make that decision about HIS relative risks, nor should I have, but from all of our conversations about how I feel about testing, he should have known it would seriously affect me. Especially my sexual relationship with him. And so the decision to proceed with unbarriered stuff, without negative test results, in the absence of even conferring with me about it, feels massively inconsiderate of both my feelings and my needs.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)

Last edited by AutumnLeaves; 06-20-2018 at 07:46 PM.
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  #496  
Old 06-20-2018, 07:46 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Okay. We texted it out and I'm feeling a lot less FEELINGS about everything. He did think about it, but he thought that I'd be safe from any risks because we'd already talked about going back to barriers anyway, so he didn't think it would affect me. Where as I'm like, yeah, but that's barriers when the partner IS testing negative. Because what if a condom breaks or something, that's not an acceptable risk to me. He has entered a zone of unacceptable risk into which I'm not willing to follow.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot less... in a spiral. I can't say that I feel better. We'll find other sexy things to do for a while until their results come in, and I guess at that point in I'm on notice that my sex life might be reduced to mutual masturbation at any time that Bee gets a new partner (unless Guitarist and Bee go to barriers at that point). Hopefully with some talking to me about it BEFORE it happens so I'm not so blindsided.

I'm still so fucking tired of processing this shit all the time. I wish I never needed sex again.

I've talked to my therapist about being such a huge STDphobe and she's generally great and positive, but poly sex risks are entirely outside her area. In the sense of, she understands that I'm poly, but doesn't know how it doesn't make me an anxious mess. So she's not a great source for that, beyond general anxiety help.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #497  
Old 06-20-2018, 07:47 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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((Hugs)) Autumn. I can totally relate. I had to de-escalate my relationship with Blue for similar reasons. I can deal with the STI risk easily enough by using barriers or abstaining from sex with him. It's the lack of consideration. He does the same with all decisions in general... More or less, he does what he wants when he wants, with whom he wants, however he wants, without regards to me or commitments he's made to me. I had to accept that we aren't compatible as nesting partners or life partners. We work better as friends (who love each other) with (occasional) benefits. Once I accepted this, our relationship went so much smoother.
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  #498  
Old 06-20-2018, 08:32 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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I'm so sorry to hear about that. Fwiw I found out I'm allergic to all the available treatments for chlamydia so my partner and I had to do a ton of research around transmission rates etc. If information helps your anxiety and you would like those resources at any point feel free to DM me.
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  #499  
Old 06-20-2018, 09:17 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Hugs totally accepted Pink Pig, thank you. I seem to recall reading about your struggles with Blue. I'm glad you're happier now!

It turns out, contrary to my mental impression, Guitarist did think about it. He just thought that since we had already decided to go back to barriers, it wouldn't affect me. To me, there is a huge difference between me+him barriers when he's doing unprotected stuff with someone who has tested negative, and me+him barriers when he's doing unprotected stuff with someone who doesn't have results back yet but is probably (yet ambiguously) negative. But, because I'm so freaked out by STDs, literally all I'll be able to think about now is "what if the condom breaks." Tiny turn off.

Most of my issue was feeling blindsided, like I didn't have a chance to be heard.

Also, thanks for the offer of information ksandra. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to PM it, though my anxiety around STDs has yet to bow to logic. I'm more concerned about the incurables HIV/HPV/hepatitis. I care less about herpes and the antibiotic-curables, though I know antibiotic resistance is a thing. And I know that in terms of relative risk, I'm probably fine, but my brain latches on to STD risk with stubborn tenacity.

Anyway, thanks guys. I love how supportive these boards are.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #500  
Old 06-21-2018, 12:06 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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I'm glad you talked things out and are feeling better
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