Scary Thought - Are Polys Tools?

"said basically", was my way of saying, I implied that in their minds. If I had spoken that sentence/explanation to you, it would have come across perfectly. So don't worry about mistaking it for what I factually said, that's just the internet talking. I never ever said something so lude or direct. I only lightly made a suggestion in the midst of smiles and drinks one night at a party. It went over very well, and was not awkward.
 
I enjoy the analysis and all, but are we getting to my original question at all, about feeling like a tool?
 
Are you saying it came about the other way? You told a man she crushes on that you are cool with him having a casual sex or poly relationship with her without her blessing or knowing you were going to do that? She didn't initiate first contact?
Not sure if I ever clarified this. But no, they had been flirtatious and making advances towards each other long before I even learned from her (my SO) that she was interested in him. That was a source of surprise for me, I was taken aback, but the fact that she found the time to divulge everything showed me I can trust her, as opposed to springing more on me. I am not the jealous type, but I do like my world to be real and known, no hiding things. It's not necessary. I am already an open accepting person. Anyway, I digress... I never told the guy such direct information, but the implication was completely known, and no, it wasn't before she told me she wanted him, nor was it before she spoke to him that it could happen. And he had in fact asked her to come meet her after work at his place a couple of times, all before I went and verified with him that she told him that (at the party where I lightly suggested the verify).
 
I enjoy the analysis and all, but are we getting to my original question at all, about feeling like a tool?

Here's your original post. I took liberty of trimming out details to get to the actual question bits:

I told him and my SO, that they can play with each other sometime.

The response I got back from the dude, was somehow condescending or something. I'm having trouble fully processing it. But I felt like a tool, in that moment.

That is how I processed it. Wonder what everyone else's thoughts are?

I have given you my thoughts on the situation.

GENERAL:
I stated that I do not think poly people are "tools" just because they are poly.

SPECIFIC:

I am not him. I do not know if he actually thinks you are a tool. I can see you FELT like he thought you were a tool and this hurts you. I am sorry it hurt you.

I have pointed out places in your communication style where you could change it next time. So you are not leaving room where you could be misperceived as a tool or a cuckhold and then you don't have to feel like a tool as a result of weak communication.

What other question is there? What else do you need feedback on?

The only other place I see where change could happen is you becoming more direct with stating your preferences. That means changing you "hands off" method of EXPRESSION. Not the "hands off I do not micromanage you" policy. But how you talk to her about him (or other potentials.)

"I've already told her her my opinion of him. That he's a lowlife who owns pawnshops, is charming and cute, is young and probably immature, and if she wants to play with that, go ahead."​

is a different thing than


"You are free to choose who you want to be with. But me? I do not like him and I do not have a great opinion of him. I would prefer you not get mixed up with him."​

Both ways she is free to pursue what she wants. Both ways you are not micromanaging her. But if the first method of expressing yourself to her is not feeding you, try the other way. See if that way of expressing yourself serves you better.

Maybe you would feel less of a tool or less like you are getting used or "just along for the ride" if you KNOW FOR SURE you preferences have been articulated and taken on board before decisions are made. She may still choose to date him, as she is free to.

But your preferences being known for SURE (vs being implied) could matter in your comfort.

Galagirl
 
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I gave my situation as an anecdote, to the concept that Polys are Tools. I would like to discuss that logic more. My personal situation is probably best discussed in my blog. I want to explore here: "Are Polys' Tools? Why or Why Not?"
 
That said GG, I just wish I had more time to discuss with you today, but I'm working hard on some music. I want to respond, point by point, and have a rich thorough discussion. Don't ever get me wrong. I love that. But I don't have the time to be patient in going down that line, today. But I am still very curious about proving or dispelling the myth of POLYS ARE TOOLS because they allow each other to be ignorantly used(or abused) for other's pleasure. And by ignorance, I'm talking about how even with 1000 poly beliefs someone might still be missing that aspect of themselves, that they are being taken advantage of.
 
If the polytool = cuckold then yes. But we have to separate the factual with the fetish. I guess in either case the tools are ok with it and in the case of the fetish they likes it... and are turned on by it.

However I think it is really player specific. I don't think a broad general statement would work but look around how many tools do you see :D
 
Well, inviting someone to have sex with your partner without any emotional or loving connection is treating her like a tool, I think, and that's just being open, not polyamorous. No wonder he answered the way he did - the way you presented it, he was basically handed an opportunity to "play with" a "toy" or object rather than develop a relationship with a person (yeah, lucky girl she is :rolleyes:). I guess, if you view her as your property to grant permission for others to use, to give away or not, then maybe you could consider yourself a tool.
 
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Furthermore, the OP has no business suggesting that "polys are tools" because most of the "polys" I have seen on this forum and/or have met in real life do not relate to others the way the OP describes in this thread.

THe REAL question(s) should be "Is the OP a tool" and "How many tools can you fit in a box".
 
I haven't read most of the responses, but I'll respond to just this ,-

" But I am still very curious about proving or dispelling the myth of POLYS ARE TOOLS because they allow each other to be ignorantly used(or abused) for other's pleasure. And by ignorance, I'm talking about how even with 1000 poly beliefs someone might still be missing that aspect of themselves, that they are being taken advantage of."

If, within the boundaries of your relationship, your partner was allowed to be involved with others and you weren't? Then, yes, there'd be an argument to be made that you were being taken advantage of. But if you both have the same options on the table, then how can it be said that one person is getting taken advantage of? It seems to me that the burden of proof here is on the person claiming that somehow, in an equal situation, one person is getting the short end of the stick, since logically that just doesn't follow.

If anyone reacts as if you're a tool, then they're either confused about what's going on, or they maybe have some misogynistic idea like it's fine for a man to sleep around but somehow humiliating for him if he's with a woman who does the same. So, why would you care what someone like that thought? Maybe the real issuer here is just needing to not be so thin-skinned. On the other hand, if he's flat-out being rude or disrespectful to you (I didn't get that impression, necessarily, his response actually sounded pretty neutral, but maybe it was his tone of voice?), then I could certainly see not wanting him to be involved with my partner.
 
Some while back, you were distressed that your SO was going to take your baby and leave you unless you stopped pestering her to have threesomes with other girls and to let you date other girls.

Obviously I haven't been following your blog. Now she's okay with you being poly, and wants to date other men herself? She no longer considers herself "mono wired"?

And now you're worried you might look like a tool if you encourage other guys to use her for sex?
 
For your generosity to be taken advantage of by this guy, you have to first think you are offering him something that is yours to give and wouldn't be available to him without your offer.

In other words you have to think of your GF as a belonging you possess that can be lent out or denied access to someone else by your say so.

When you mention having your GF talk to women you have interest in, you speak of it as an act she does to just let them know you're not operating with deceit. To ease their minds enough to let you have access to them without guilt. It seems as if it is not even part of the equation to you that she is giving them permission to use something that belongs to her. Neither do you seem to consider if these women see HER as a tool when you ask her to do this.

The more you talk the less it seems you think of women as people in any of this.
 
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