TruckerPete
New member
What he said.
Ah, Mono. You're so much more helpful than me.
Ah, Mono. You're so much more helpful than me.
as far as I know of the 'group' the guy who went back to mono, was a very casual hook up who never really invested much outside of just being a hook up. Another is more of a player who is more of the same as far as actual interest in her as a person. Another is more of just a friend who wants far to much for her to get into a physical relationship but a LOT of attention would fall entirely to that person if they were more open to who she is.
I have a pretty harsh stance on poly men because 99.9% of them have all been the same. I'm not saying that all poly men aren't like, "HA HA, I got that ass tonight sucker and can have it any second whilst you are away!" but,... well if there are, they are being drown out by all the noise from the opportunist assholes.
I'm told, "oh he isn't as important to me as you are" or "he doesn't think of me the same way you do", but suddenly as I'm face to face with the person the reality of how they see things is obviously different from what my SO thought or was telling me.
what is easy is always what is most corruptible.
Someone said earlier, and I agree, if a relationship is worth something, it takes hard work and sacrifice. So far I feel that my costs are justified with this person. Her other SOs might be assholes or command more attention/emotion later but as things are there is no static and I'm happy with her.
We have also grown somewhat together in this relationship. It's that 'rug being pulled out' feeling from a past of really bad relationships (mono and poly) and what I will feel If I become less to her among the SOs.
It has gotten to a point where those fears/annoyances are fading out.
Of course when ever I know that she is away with another there is an itch I can't scratch. So far that is a cost I can handle but I can't say for sure if I can always handle it.
Should I be able to say for sure? Because I don't know if 'yes' would ever or should ever be the right answer.
Is there something wrong with me?
if this is just another "open" relationship then once again I'm in the position of "flavor of the week" and no matter how great things may seem, there is a good change another flavor will come along and I'm once again a feather duster who can be pulled out of the closet when and it the next guy doesn't work out.
You will always face this in relationships no matter what their structure. It is part of putting your heart out there.
I see the difference between that and polyamory but I've yet to see it in honest practice in those who claim polyamory.
Read this forum. There are lots of good examples.
As I've seen great failures in those who claim mono. I'm a pilgrim without a country. It has helped being on this forum though. I think My only problem is I don't care to play games and far to many people do when they are in relationships no matter what kind of relationships those are.
Too many people want their cake and to eat it to. The more I explore a relationship the more I find the biggest problems are always with filtering out all the bullshit and games.
I was talking with my sister about this yesterday. It is hard to "avoid" the games. Everyone plays games when getting to know and interact with other people. Society has placed rules on us, we place rules on us, etc. and we use them in this game we call life. Now, if you mean manipulation, maliciousness, or mal intent, that is another thing.
It is a confusing road, this poly or open relationship thing. I know this, and have felt some of what you are feeling. Still do at times. It may very well not work for you, but then it may. Regardless of what your definitions of "working for you" are, you will certainly get something positive out of it if that is what you are determined to do. You get out of it what you put into it and the mindset helps to shape the outcome for yourself and others. Otherwise, you can always choose to date only mono women, and that is perfectly fine too.
I have a pretty harsh stance on poly men because 99.9% of them have all been the same. I'm not saying that all poly men aren't like, "HA HA, I got that ass tonight sucker and can have it any second whilst you are away!" but,... well if there are, they are being drown out by all the noise from the opportunist assholes.
I like what you have to say Mono.what of that? There seems to be a desire for more, but a threat to investing in more.
sounds like she has a whole lot of men just like you going on. Interesting. I have not been interested at all in men like this and don't understand how they would be interesting. I have found poly men to be giving, generous of the space and freedom I require and very understanding of my need for much love in my life because they want that too... the whole idea that there is some sort of competition is frankly just bizarre to me and makes no sense to the 14 years of poly I have experienced.
again! Blah, *vomit* who the hell have you been hanging out with and what on earth has happened to you and your relationship life that you have experienced this! That is just so wrong on so many levels to me. I'm sorry but I can only imagine that these men have low self esteem, no self worth, don't think they are worthy of love, respect, caring, compassion and a real relationship with a real person that has all these attributes. I feel sorry for them. They obviously really know nothing of what depth of relationship can bring. What it is really like to be happy for ones partner that they are having such a good time with another and that they can benefit by feeling good that they gave of themselves (compersion).
ya, feeding you a line there. She is saying that to all of them too btw... wow, she doesn't seem to know much about poly. I think she should be saying she has an open relationship style of dating, that would clear things up nicely in my mind.
got that right! Poly is not easy though, I worked with Mono for a year before we felt like we had all our needs met, no one was compromising and we were all happy in our position within our tribe. Then Derby came along and rolypoly and we adjusted again and continue to adjust to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If we are doing it and are happy and others are, how can your belief in poly be true? I think what you have experienced is either very poor poly or not at all...
no there is nothing wrong with you, you seem to be doing okay in this, besides thinking that you have to compete.
If you are all good then what are you looking for here? Not that I want you to go, but just wonder...
In a nut shell, considering you have been hurt before, I think in your case and if I were you I would do as Mono says... in the meantime I think I would be working hard at gaining confidence, self esteem and self worth and getting some old issues worked out... if you work on the old issues you might find the latter falls into place.
I certainly would not be investing in this woman if it were me, as she doesn't seem to have all her ducks in a row either. She has her own work to do it seems. I am wondering what she is hoping to accomplish if anything? How her seemingly casual relationships are working for her? and what it is she wants in a future with you? Who knows, maybe if you get all that sorted out it will end up just you too... in the mean time, I think I would be looking at your self and stop blaming poly for what has gone wrong in your relationships.. because it certainly seems you do.
There's nothing wrong with you. You do have a bank of negativity towards poly in general that is clear in your self expression...which is not a slag, just an observation. I have some too but not to this degree. I also have some negativity towards monogamists as well so it's not relationship style specific.
I think, for what you want out of a relationship, as long as you stop thinking so much you will be fine. You don't see her very often, but you both enjoy each other. You have a DADT policy of sorts with regards to the other guys so I recommend you expand on it. I wouldn't say this if I thought you were heading towards dreams of a white picket fence and co-habitation, but in this case it doesn't look like you want that. You do not sound ready to be the tree for her to lean on for support with her other relationships and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps she needs to be told this and than she can decide if this works for her. The details of her other relationships seem to be tearing you apart so cut them out of your relationship. She doesn't expect you to fulfill all of your needs (that's a part of being poly for many people) so let her find some one to fill that need who is ready for the job of support.
And don't close yourself off to other connections. She is the one person you love, you're monogamous, I get that. But for me monogamy does not include the idea of life long bonding necessarily...it's not a rule. It merely means I love one person at a time intimately. If I lose that connection I may or may not form another one. You may encounter (not find because that implies searching) some one who is better suited for you for the long haul. Just don't close your heart totally is what I am trying to say.
Take care
Mono
To be honest I do have a good dose of negativity about "open" and "poly".
The concepts do not seem any better than the traditional corruptibility of mono and I've seen no evidence to prove otherwise.
My samplings of it have been from places in the states like NY, Chicago, Madison, california and other parts of the midwest and south.
Not the greatest pools of social integrity such as what I've seen in Canada.
your absolutely right. People shitty at relationships are shitty at relationships. Period. Mono, poly, or anything.
well now thats negative. At least I'm still out here trying despite what I've dealt with. I know I may just get a big fat helping of FU all over again but I have faith that I'm doing my best and that I could be happy.
Sorry I don't think that is negative...it wasn't directional. Just saying, people who are bad at relationships, are bad at any relationships. ...it isn't a poly thing, or a mono thing. Its a people thing
Geez, thanks a fucking lot for that.This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
One thing that stands out about it though. I did better as a mono in a relationship with a (what i thought to be) poly than any mono/poly relationship I'd ever heard of. in theory, I'd make a great poly. But that would be far to complicated for me at the end of the day. Especially in America. This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
hm. Possible. What say you monopolylover? Sounds like this woman gave you a skewed view of poly, regardless.I could be completely wrong, but I took that statement to mean that AMERICA is a fairly immature dating pool.
Geez, thanks a fucking lot for that.
Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, but don't blame polyamory or the polyamorous community. Since the common denominator in your relationships is YOU, perhaps you are picking the "wrong" people or setting up some dynamic that invited or encouraged the craziness. Though it feels good to have someone else to blame or an excuse to point to when things go sour, why not ask yourself what your part in it was? Instead of laying blame on the polyamorous "dating pool." How arrogant! Relationships are not 50/50 -- they are 100% each person's responsibility. Bitterness will get you nowhere, but open-eyed self-examination will give you self-knowledge, which is everything.