Advice for my mono husband

Ozmember

New member
Hello, my first time posting here!
My husband and I have been discussing the concept of poly for about 2 years now. In that time I’ve had a couple of casual lovers and we have discussed all our emotions at length each time.
I feel like we’ve been very open and patient with each other and so far things have been going well.
The situation now is that I have met someone who wants something more serious, and he is mono too, so it would be a vee situation. While I am very excited about the possibilities, I also feel like shit just got real! The casual relationships were with guys already in primary relationships which felt like a more relaxed way to ease into things, they didn’t want anything too serious.

My husband and I have spent a lot of time going over the possibilities and how we feel about it. He’s open to the possibilities and gets along well with my other partner. We’ve read about and talked about how it will be a new relationship and can’t just be us plus a disposable other.

Naturally we’re all nervous but ready.

Now, my question.....how can I let my husband know how much I love him and that my feelings for him are even more intense than ever.
In theory he’s ok with everything, but says he has moments of worrying I’m planning to run off, or that I don’t love him enough. He says that feeling diminishes after we talk about it but it crushes me to know he feels that way.
I would even consider abandoning the whole idea if he keeps having feelings like that. It breaks my heart because I love him so much.
Any advice? Or links to experiences of people in his situation?
Thanks so much in advance.
Hope this made sense!
 
My advice as someone who has been in a vee with 2 monogamous men for 7 years is this.

Do not overshare with your partners about your other relationships.
Respect their privacy.
Listen and communicate.
Keep your word.
Keep to a schedule.
Do not let one relationships issues bleed into another.
Respect you partner's wishes especially around their home and comfort zones.
Do not let NRE rule your decision making.

Go slow...
 
Hello Ozmember,

Your husband sometimes gets nervous thinking that you might leave him (for the other man). You can reassure him all day (and you should), but the only way to prove it is to stay with him over time, so that he can see the evidence directly. In other words, just because he feels a certain way right now, doesn't mean he will feel that way in the future. Give him time to work through his feelings. They should improve a little at a time, as you continue to remain with him (as well as with your other man) and remain loyal to him. In the meantime, continue to tell him often that you love him a lot, and that your feelings for him are more intense than ever. Every little bit helps. Be patient, this is a process.

Hopefully the posts in this thread are helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for your reassurance. It really helps. Guess that’s what will help him too!
Does anyone have a mono partner (or is the mono partner) who can tell me whether these feelings subsided or what helped?
I feel like I just can’t convey enough what I feel for him. Thanks again for your help.
 
Here are some mono/poly resources:

Hopefully some of that may be of some help. Read especially a post by Al99 in which he describes how his wife helped him (he was mono) adjust to the idea of poly.
 
I’m in a V with two mono guys - they’re both my husbands and we cohabitate. What has worked for me has been time. My husbands see that I am committed to both of them, 100%. I don’t think either of them have any fear about the other being a cowboy anymore. We share a group google calendar, and they can add date nights on it. I try really hard to make sure they each get time and feel treasured and special.

I would say you need to work on the part of you that says you would abandon the idea and ditch the second partner if your husband wanted. That’s a terrible thing to do to your new love interest. Have you told him you might leave for this reason? That would be a huge red flag for me. If your husband is that upset, you shouldn’t be dating until he is secure. Once you involve someone else, they deserve consideration.
 
I think you should mention that nsa sex would be ok for him if he is not interested in dating other people. That way he could get something out of the arrangement.
 
I think you should mention that nsa sex would be ok for him if he is not interested in dating other people. That way he could get something out of the arrangement.

Actually in ethical polyamory the option for her husband would be the option for him to date and develop relationships of his own.

If you need to "get something out of the arrangement" then you shouldn't be dating someone who is poly. Relationships are not about keeping score.
 
Actually in ethical polyamory the option for her husband would be the option for him to date and develop relationships of his own.

If you need to "get something out of the arrangement" then you shouldn't be dating someone who is poly. Relationships are not about keeping score.

I am sorry but did the op not say that her husband is not poly? If he is not in to dating other women then why would he have to? He could also be having some nsa sex or other sorts of fun.

It might help him to accept the situation and who knows, maybe some day he will find a woman with whom to fall in love with!
 
I am sorry but did the op not say that her husband is not poly? If he is not in to dating other women then why would he have to? He could also be having some nsa sex or other sorts of fun.

It might help him to accept the situation and who knows, maybe some day he will find a woman with whom to fall in love with!

Have to? One of the points of poly is that people are autonomous. He doesn't have to do anything. The option would be there if he chooses. Likewise, forbidding something wouldn't be ethical either.
 
I think you should mention that nsa sex would be ok for him if he is not interested in dating other people. That way he could get something out of the arrangement.

Not everyone needs to get their end away elsewhere to live happily in a V arrangement.
 
Have to? One of the points of poly is that people are autonomous. He doesn't have to do anything. The option would be there if he chooses. Likewise, forbidding something wouldn't be ethical either.

The poster I replied to said that the option for him is something something. He does not have to do that, he can also do whatever he wants.
 
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