Communication after the fact

C

Ceoli

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So I'm huge into communication. I used to spend too much time setting aside my feelings in order to protect other people's feelings. I've learned the lessons that taught me- that this is a form of dishonesty and ultimately weakens relationships. Now open and radically honest communication is fundamentally important in all my relationships.

In this last breakup I had with the couple I was dating, hindsight definitely shows me that there wasn't as much space for my feelings as I would have liked. As time has passed, the boy and I have kept in touch and have decided to build a friendship. I would like to build a friendship with her as well, but there has been very little communication with her since the break up. Every now and then she'll leave a comment on some facebook post of photo, but that's about it.

In the meantime, I'm finding myself sitting on a lot of unresolved feelings about what happened and while I've talked with him about it to a certain degree (this whole breakup was driven by her and took him by surprise), there are a lot of hard things that really have to do with her. I sent a letter outlining my feelings about what happened.

I wrote about how the fact that she did not include me in any conversations when things were getting challenging makes me feel like I was viewed as nothing more than a tool for her adventures and experiments in her marriage and not as a person they both approached for a relationship. I talked of the affection that I still hold for both of them and how I supported her decision to return to monogamy, but that how she did it without giving space for my feelings is what burned me.

Now, all of this is after the fact really. I have no expectations from sending this except to create the space for my feelings that wasn't there as this was happening. I also hope to salvage a friendship, and know that I can't do that without all of my feelings out there. But the main reason I needed to send it is because I dislike sitting on feelings.

I've had lots of discussions with friends about this letter and lots of different opinions about whether I should have sent it or not. Have any of you felt the need to express yourself after the fact? After things have ended yet there are still unresolved feelings? Has anybody found doing so useful? Destructive?

Just sort of looking for thoughts on this rather than advice as I already made my decision in this case. But it still has me thinking in general about communication in all it's forms.
 
I've never been involved with a couple, but whenever something happened with one of my relationships, I wouldn't shut up about it and I think a lot of my friends just got sick of hearing it.

But this hasn't happened since I've been with my husband.

I mean, I still don't shut up very easy, but he's the one who gets to hear it now :)
 
I think of talking about it with my friends as having a different space than talking about my feelings with the actual people involved. Talking with friends might help me sort my thoughts etc, but resolution can really only happen with the people involved.

And yeah, this isn't specifically a poly thing but a relationship thing. The fact that it was a couple is really incidental to the main stuff.
 
Have any of you felt the need to express yourself after the fact? After things have ended yet there are still unresolved feelings? Has anybody found doing so useful? Destructive?

Just sort of looking for thoughts on this rather than advice as I already made my decision in this case. But it still has me thinking in general about communication in all it's forms.

I definately have felt that need, acted on it and been relieved I did. It's funny how so many people accept that after a death one needs closure-but they don't recognize that the termination of a relationship (whether from one type to another or ending altogether) is a death.
Death of any type requires some closure and how wonderful that when it's a relationship (opposed to a life) ending we CAN speak to the other person about the ending-because they are still alive.

I think sometimes some people take it wrong-but I think it can be a very useful thing. For both sides. You learn some about yourself in doing so, and in what you need to do for future relationships and the other person learns about themselves and what they need to do for future relationships as well. Very helpful all the way around.

Of course there are those who will recieve such a missive and either dismiss it (leaving themselves open to repeat mistakes) or fly off the handle. I advise taking either of THOSE two response with a grain of salt.
 
Well, like I said, I have no expectations from sending the letter except to put it out there. One of the best lessons I've learned in relationships is that it is always ok to be open and honest with my feelings. However, that doesn't mean the people I'm expressing my feelings to have to act the way I want them to act- I'm not entitled to that. They are free to do what's right for them, but that will never curtail me from doing what's right for me too.

So yeah, I've sprinkled some salt on this :)
 
She wrote back with a nice letter of apology and some further gestures of friendship.

Hmmm...now to figure out what I need for this healing.
 
Closure

As I said earlier, she wrote back with some gestures of friendship. There were still things bothering me though. I still didn't get a sense of where the room would be for my feelings if we were to move forward. The boy and I easily translated into a friendship where I felt things were reciprocated. I wasn't getting this sense from her.

So when I pressed on that issue, her reply was "I guess I didn't realize you had to bend over backwards to make room for their feelings when you break it off". What it came down to is that she really didn't like me but kept on thinking things would get better. Her way of dealing with it was to disappear and get ill rather than just be honest with me.

I thanked her for finally being honest, as that's all I wanted in the first place. I didn't feel comfortable moving forward in a situation where I had a distinct feeling that I wasn't wanted.

So in the end, I held to my standards of radical honesty and I guess I dragged her kicking and screaming into that. We're terminating the friendship. As for how the friendship will move forward with the boy, he has still told me that he would like to remain friends. It will be awkward to figure out how that'll work, though I'm willing to try.

Despite the ending and the revelation that she really didn't like my company (though it wasn't that surprising), I feel like I did the right thing in getting it all out.
 
For all it matters coming from a complete stranger-I think you are dead on right that you did the right thing Ceoli.
 
Ew, reading that just made me feel all icky. I might have to go wash myself.

I'm glad you have some closure on this.
 
Yeah, looking back at it, her behavior kind of sucked. In the end, she felt that I could just be disposed of without concern or accountability because her feelings had changed. At least she had to have some accountability with me as I don't see the need to put up with being shat upon in such a way. I won't just pretend to be friends with those kinds of undercurrents. The boy has been showing me some compassion and concern and genuinely wishes to maintain a friendship. I've been very clear about how I feel about how his wife treated me, but I won't make any friendship with him about putting him in the middle of whatever hard feelings exist between her and me.

I feel strongly that if you bring someone into your life and form an attachment, that now makes you accountable to them even when you decide to break things off. That goes for any kind of meaningful relationship. People are not disposable.

I will say that most unicorn hunting couples don't approach it with a sense of accountability like that.
 
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You deserve so much more respect and consideration than she has given you.

I am truly sorry the situation didn't turn out as you had hoped it would.

But the good news is that now there's room on your dance card for the people who will really love you and treat you with the respect, tenderness and high regard you so richly deserve.

Another thing: I really admire the honest and straightforward way you've handled yourself throughout this whole situation and relationship. The level of respect, compassion, strength and honesty you've demonstrated sets a high standard for us as a community to reach for. Thank you for showing the rest of us how it's done.
 
When she was lolling around in bed whining and carrying on about not doing well and you gave her time and space and talked with the husband, I wish this could of been gotten to the bottom of.

I remember writing about that and saying that I would go in and ask her what is going on, call a meeting between all three of you and get it all out.... I don't know what happened in the end but I seem to remember that my suggestion was cringed upon. I'm glad that you are getting to the bottom of what was going on. I have never been a third in a triad, in a "V" yes. I found that when I asserted my place and feelings of being left out and wanting more support and equality I was basically told that I was not worth the depth and effort... just a casual thing that meant no investment... of course not in so many words. You are worth so much more than that, which is what seems to have happened to you also....

next time, PLEASE Ceoli.... make sure that you are equal by getting in their faces and getting the respect you need and deserve by pushing them to give it to you. Otherwise you may just waste your time and heart again, like this couple caused you to do.

I hope this is not damaging your self esteem and confidence as you have so much to offer and deserve everything you dream of.
 
Thanks for that RP, and no, it's definitely not damaging my self-esteem. This wasn't about me, but about her inability to be honest. And yeah, I did go into her room that time she was cringing and I asked her to talk about it, I asked her to tell me what was going on and what she wanted. She shrank away at that and shut down. But you're right, RP. In hindsight, I should have pulled back clearly from both of them and laid down my terms then. As it happens, I didn't until after she broke it off. (in this case, I honestly think it wouldn't have made a difference in the outcome, but yeah..for myself, it meant that I was compromising too much and not holding to my normal standard of communication and honesty)

Even after she told me she wanted to return to monogamy, I asked her again what she wanted as I did not want to be in a place where I was not wanted. That's where all the fuzzy non-committal friend stuff was coming in. I made a decision (a decision, as you point out, that should have been made sooner) that I wasn't going to settle for anything less than honesty...which in effect destroyed the friendship, but for all the right reasons.

I'm just taking the lessons learned. I know that a closed triad is not for me..not just because of this bad experience but because of other stuff that just didn't suit me throughout the relationship. I know that I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary pain if I had just pressed for honesty sooner and not just allowed her continued denial of feelings. I know that I am worth far more than the way she treated me and have just that much more strength to stand behind my worth now from that experience. It was good practice for standing up for myself and for not taking on the problems that weren't mine. I'm going to keep reminding myself of what you say, RP.
 
You sound so strong! Awesome :D I'm so happy that you feel strong out of this.

Thanks for sharing your hard learned lessons... I know that others will benefit from them. I benefit from them, they are a good reminder to stick to our truth and to stay honest always, even if the work of doing that is hard in the moment.
 
I am happy that honest could bring solutions for you ,in my relationship the case is different,honest jeopardize 2 years relationship.wish this all heavy ended soon
 
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