Because you're poly

Josie

New member
I guess this is more of an angsty/disgusted announcement than anything else really:

I was on a night out tonight and was explaining my relationship and what it entailed to friend at the pub. One of our friends next to us overheard and was very impressed by the idea of a woman who was okay with their boyfriend having sex/relationships with others. He was a little over the top about it but I didn't really mind.
Cut to the end of the night.
I go to hug him - he's moving away tomorrow, so I made sure to give him a hug and wish him a good journey. During the hug he declares that I have to kiss him goodbye. I good-naturedly try to turn his head to give him a peck on the cheek. This is when it gets awkward. I was grabbed in death-grip type hold and informed that I'm:
'In a poly relationship and so you HAVE to kiss me'.

I had to spend a good time wrestling away.
Now I'm used to people being a bit handsy and not taking no for an answer but I thought this was just plain rude and incredibly presumptous.

Does this happen a lot if you're in a poly relationship and open about it? Are there good ways to broach the subject with people that will hopefully prevent this kind of reaction? I don't want people to think that they can force me into something because I'm poly and therefore *must* want it.

PS - sorry if this isn't in the right section, I didn't know where to put it.
 
I have no advice unfortunately. It seems that women tend to react in astonishment that I am OK with sharing my husband with another woman, and he in sharing me. I get a lot of "I could NEVER do that"... and my reply is "OK"... with men I typically get the pervert stare, and wanting to discuss my sex life. I guess, I have boundary issues myself, but this seems to cross a line for me.
 
This is when it gets awkward. I was grabbed in death-grip type hold and informed that I'm:
'In a poly relationship and so you HAVE to kiss me'.

That's where I would go -- knee to the groin. :mad:

Some men seem to think they are ENTITLED to a woman's body. And that knowing she is polyamorous = she's some candy bar just anyone can have a bite from any time they want.

It's polyamory, not polyfuckery.

Thppppt.

You have my sympathies. Been there before, and brought person to account swift and fierce.

That's crap is just fresh. And that's why that button exists -- "bi, poly and I STILL won't sleep with you!"

GG
 
That has never happened to me, and if it ever does, whoever tries it will find himself at the wrong end of a kick to the junk. I hope I am wearing sharp shoes on that day.

I suppose not associating with this... "person"... is not an option?
 
This hasn't happened to me specifically because I am poly - because not too many people know that. I have has somewhat similar experiences, however, when people know that I am bisexual. Just because I can be attracted to both men and women doesn't mean that I am attracted to YOU - Jeesh! (This harkens to straight guy fears that all gay men want them - really? Are all the straight girls falling at your feet as well? You seriously think that you are "all that"?)

Apparently poly and/or bi means "sex fiend" to many men. Hubs suggests stomping on their instep before kneeing them in the groin - YMMV.

JaneQ
 
my problem is that once someone knows i'm poly they just start thinking of me as a swinger. no dissin' the swig dancers out there but it's not my cup of booze. i'm too lazy to be a swinger. so when they think of it they only want to hear about the sex part. i don't even care about sex that much. yes i like it but i want my good company over anything else. i want my husband to have a friend in my mate and i should find a friend in his.

and then.. men are just jerks sometimes after a night of beer and bars. he sounds like a friend that needs to move away... far far away.
 
and then.. men are just jerks sometimes after a night of beer and bars. he sounds like a friend that needs to move away... far far away.

Funny you should mention that actually, as he is moving quite far away, unforunately, in a month I'm moving closer to him and he wants to come visit -ugh.
Although if he did visit and try anything like that again, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would comply with the above suggestions and smack him one.
....I'm not really one for violence but even I pretty much strangled the guy in order to get him off me.

Although, as you said, sometimes people are just jerks when they've been drinking and are uneducated on a topic, so I've sent him a cautionary message explaining poly and warning him not to try that again if he ever comes across another poly individual and plans to walk away unscathed.
 
I'm sorry to interrupt like this; a friend recommended this forum to me a couple of months ago. I've been reading the threads but have not felt moved to register until now. That's why this is my first post here in this thread.

It sounds like you were sexually assaulted by this "friend".

Funny you should mention that actually, as he is moving quite far away, unforunately, in a month I'm moving closer to him and he wants to come visit -ugh.
Although if he did visit and try anything like that again, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend would comply with the above suggestions and smack him one.
....I'm not really one for violence but even I pretty much strangled the guy in order to get him off me.

"IF" he visits? :eek: Did I read this right? It should be "IF I decide not to press charges" which it sounds like you're not thinking about doing anyway. I'm the first to admit it probably wouldn't accomplish much to get the police and courts involved at this point; but it makes me dizzy to think that you even would remotely consider having this person remain amongst those you consider "friends" of yourself.
 
It's polyamory, not polyfuckery.

It goes beyond that, I think. I mean, yes, it gets annoying when people assume that poly = sex with random people rather than poly = able to date when already dating.

But even if you were having casual sex all over the place, you never HAVE to kiss/have sex with a guy. That mentality of "others get it so it's owed to me" is pretty terrible. What about respecting people's consent? It's very dismissive and not limited to being mistaken about what poly is.

I mean, even someone who has sex all the time, with all kinds of people, without actually being attracted to them (I'm thinking a prostitute, for instance) still has the right to refuse customers, no question asked.

Because everyone has the right to decide what happens with their own body.

This specific thing has never happened to me, but upon learning I'm poly, many male friends have just assumed we'd have sex at some point. It wasn't "ok, so you have to have sex with me" but more "cool, so when are WE having sex, then?" but it was extremely annoying anyways.

What gets me is that learning I'm single doesn't cause anyone to assume they're going to get sex with me. Learning I'm taken and available at the same time, however, does. I'm just the same as a single person, in terms of what I want to do. I just happen to also have someone already. Why is it so hard to get?
 
This specific thing has never happened to me, but upon learning I'm poly, many male friends have just assumed we'd have sex at some point. It wasn't "ok, so you have to have sex with me" but more "cool, so when are WE having sex, then?" but it was extremely annoying anyways.

With friends like these, rapists are going to start losing customers.
 
Sorry this had to happen to you - the guy was being a total jerk, and being drunk is absolutely no excuse - drunk people tend to do what's in their hearts - the alcohol just turns off their internal filters....

Yes, people misunderstand all the time what poly means - they apply their own standards to it and basically stop listening. Many assume that we are swingers, and that this is just a fancy name for it. One woman, who I had always felt attracted to, even after we explained the difference of what poly was and how it differed from swinging, pursued me (it turned out later) without her husband's knowledge, only for sex. That was messy, because I was better friends with her husband than me. That kind of ended the friendship with him, which I was VERY disappointed about. Since then I have learned that she has informed other friends of ours that she can confirm that I am definitely a swinger. Of course, they have never bothered actually mentioning is to me/us - but the gossip flew for a while.

Others mistrust the stated reason of why we are telling them, assuming that the reason is that one of us wants to have sex with one of them, or are in some ways interested in them. Why does that have to be the only reason?

We have had many of our long-established friends distance themselves from us because we talked with them about this.
 
Because everyone has the right to decide what happens with their own body.

Yes. Hello, CONSENT still has to be obtained? I don't know why people don't get that.

Sorry, I need to stop on that one before I get myself triggered. But again, SO sorry this type experience fell on you, and the others reporting same/similar. *hugs* nobody -- man or woman -- deserves shoddy treatment. People are not THINGS. They are PERSONS.

It's just... ugh. Ugh. Yuck! :mad:


GG
 
Ugh.

Knee to nuts. End friendship. Do not tolerate his assholery ever again. Tell him you won't stay in touch with him or have anything to do with him because he assaulted you. Do not get into a convo if he starts to argue about it - state your case and walk away.

Unfortunately, group sex and having no boundaries are what many in the general public think polyamory is. I remember once having a conversation with a guy I had met in a bar. When I mentioned polyamory, he was all, "oh that's so cool" and then he started talking about threesomes and how much he digs bisexual women. I told him I am straight and not into group sex, that I want multiple relationships with men, and a look of horror and disgust came over him. I saw that, in his eyes, any woman who wants more than one penis in her life is nothing but a trashy whore.

I no longer use the word polyamory anymore. I talk about exclusivity/non-exclusivity, developing loving relationships, and commitment to honesty, but I stay away from the word polyamory just because of the misconceptions out there.

I'm sorry this happened to you. At least now you are prepared for the next dirtbag who tries something like that. Remember, knee to nuts.
 
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