Overnight jealousy

Spokanepoly

New member
my wife and I consider ourselfs Poly. we both have dated other people, recently though my wife found a guy she loves, she spends as much time with him as possible and that's great .... but also she wants to start staying the night with him .... weekends and such. I am having a hard time dealing with this, I dont like her being away from me over night. wife says thats all part pf being poly and she wants a completely open and fair relationship for all, I can see her point and it sounds good on paper but when she is gone, im a wreck .... am I wrong in wanting her to stay home with me and not stay at his place ? is there a way to help deal with my jealousy on this issue ? any advice :)
 
Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.
 
Yes and no... it is ok to want her to be home with you every night. But it is stay home.rong to make her stay home with you.

Keep yourself busy.. get a life hobby and etc separate from your wife just because you're married does mean you have to be joined at the hip.
 
well just to clarify she goes out on dates with him to dinner and such and they get intimate later at his house, im fine with all that, for some reason though when she stays the night and I know she isn't coming home, it really bothers me. ive been trying to figure out why this is something that im having a real issue with. I guess in the 10 years we have been together, we have never really been apart much and so now that she is wanting some time at someone elses house and im home alone, I cant concentrate and on anything but her being gone.
 
Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.

Its not every weekend, just one so far and before that she was away for one night durring the week. I couldnt sleep that night at all, felt stressed out the whole time lol. the weekend was the worst, I guess more time made it worse. Im hoping I can work through soon cause she is not happy with the idea of no overnights...... and he cant stay here cause we have family living with us ...
 
I do overnights with nudge, I know J feels down sometimes but he keeps himself busy, has a friend over, etc. I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore
 
I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore

yeah a friend over could work, just wasn't possible those nights. we are trying the just get used to it idea lol, we call it exposure therapy lol. so far it hasn't worked but time will tell.
 
I'll ask Woodsmith when he gets home if he had difficulty when Seven and I started having our overnights (weekly) and how he handled them.
 
Personally, I have plenty of hobbies and not a single one eradicates that feeling of missing my husband or wanting to be near him. Now, I am not needy or codependent. Sometimes I just want my spouse, and there is no amount of shopping, pampering, charity work, Zumba, etc. that can take his place. After my break-up, he was not out with another woman, but he was out until 4 and 5 in the morning doing what he had been doing for over a decade to cope with the overnights and dates. Meanwhile, I was at home alone. We had some volatile arguments over his refusal to change.

We did have a problem with his stupid hobbies/time fillers/coping mechanisms for me having another relationship. I flat out told him one day in counselling to go fuck his hobbies. So a hobby filling the void of a loved one would never work for me.

Best advice: do things you would ordinarily not be able to do if she was at home. Make sure to request contact, if you need to. Sometimes that good morning or good night text/call makes all the difference. DH had lots of interests from car restoration to home improvements to poker nights to attending concerts and sporting events to going on guy trips to doing things he always wanted to do like all that outdoors-y stuff.
 
Personally, I have plenty of hobbies and not a single one eradicates that feeling of missing my husband or wanting to be near him. Now, I am not needy or codependent. Sometimes I just want my spouse, and there is no amount of shopping, pampering, charity work, Zumba, etc. that can take his place. After my break-up, he was not out with another woman, but he was out until 4 and 5 in the morning doing what he had been doing for over a decade to cope with the overnights and dates. Meanwhile, I was at home alone. We had some volatile arguments over his refusal to change.

We did have a problem with his stupid hobbies/time fillers/coping mechanisms for me having another relationship. I flat out told him one day in counselling to go fuck his hobbies. So a hobby filling the void of a loved one would never work for me.

Best advice: do things you would ordinarily not be able to do if she was at home. Make sure to request contact, if you need to. Sometimes that good morning or good night text/call makes all the difference. DH had lots of interests from car restoration to home improvements to poker nights to attending concerts and sporting events to going on guy trips to doing things he always wanted to do like all that outdoors-y stuff.


now that is sound advice, I like that you seem to see it the way I do lol. if I was doing a hobby , I would still be missing her while I was doing that hobby :p I tried working out and while I was at the gym with my music playing, I didnt even hear the songs cause my mind was so wrapped up in the fack I knew she wasnt comming home tonight.
 
We don't do overnights really.

Maca doesn't handle it well if I"m not there when he's sleeping.
When he works out of town-I will sometimes sleep in GG's bed.

But-usually I don't.

Our schedule (and we do all live together) is that I curl up and sleep with Maca until he leaves for work at 6am. Then I go upstairs and cuddle with GG until he gets up (about 9) during the week. Weekends I don't go up to GG.

GG never works out of town-Maca does.

The only FOR SURE overnight that exists when Maca would normally be home-is GG and I do go to a hotel for our anniversary. (Maca and I do go for ours as well).

When Maca had a girlfriend-she didn't do overnights. She wasn't ok with having someone in her home overnight and she wasn't ok leaving her daughter to do an overnight (single mom). So they would do day times over. When her daughter had plans and was with friends or school or whatever-they would meet up early in the morning and spend the whole day together in bed.
 
So far, we haven't made it that far - well, once, but that was at the tail end of a trip and I didn't count as "having been home, yet," so there was no sense of it being an overnight away from home.

What I've noticed about these feelings (when I have them when my wife is with our partner, AM, or when she tells me how she felt when I was with AM) is that they revolve around feeling lonely and alone and like I'm not in the know about what is going on. We have success with distractions (a good book for her, being on the forum here for me) or good friends, or just doing the work that our jobs send us home with. Next thing you know, time has passed.

But that doesn't help the moment that might be the tough one for you - going to sleep. Can you figure that out, walk through the whole event in your mind and see where the trigger point is? Do it with your wife, talking through what she's doing, perhaps (if that's not too much information for you), and maybe you can find the point that all of you could understand better, and it would help you out...
 
Thanks everyone, this is all great stuff to read. I'm glad I found this forum. Maybe I'll use this forum as a distraction next time lol. Just might work haha. I still look forward to hearing more about how others have managed to deal with this :) incase what I've heard so far doesn't work lol. I know that my wife is gonna be happy if I can find a way to find my Zen in this whole overnight thing lol.
 
Would you be this upset if she were staying overnight at a convention or with relatives? Or is it just that she's with a lover? If it's the first, it could be that you just need to get used to sleeping alone and finding things you like to do that you don't have a chance to when she's around. Also ask yourself if you're being a bit too needy of her company to feel complete. I know that some couples just never spend much time apart and can't fall asleep easily without the other. My husband and I were never like that, as each of us would take trips away fro various reasons (never lovers - we were mono) and while we missed each other to a degree, we also enjoyed spending time apart. I have always liked a little alone time.

But if it's the second thing, and it really is jealousy and not knowing what shes doing, then I would try to dig down deep under the insecurities you feel and keep asking yourself "what if" questions to find out why it bothers you so much. It sounds like you are okay with her having lovers, but it's just the overnight stays that irk you - so maybe there is a belief system operating or some possessiveness underneath it all that you haven't totally dealt with.
 
Woodsmith just did projects. He found things to keep him busy. But that's also what he would have done with me home.
 
Yeah, I think you are just trying to hold onto something that makes your relationship "more" than any others. Allowing your partner to love other people means letting them decide how they want to interact with them, not you.
 
Twice I've had to deal with my main squeeze having a first overnight. Both times it was the unexpected that threw me.

The first guy, it was a 2nd date (first date at his place) and she stayed out all night unexpectedly! Her phone died and she was there too late to catch the last bus across town, and she was too shy to ask to borrow his phone or computer to let me know. And to boot, it was Halloween and I was worried she was attacked by some drunken revelers. I sure read her the riot act when she got home. I was frantic with worry mixed with jealousy.

The next time, different guy, she asked if I'd be ok with her going to this guy's gf's photo shoot (she's a fetish model). Of course I said, sure, no problem. She neglected to tell me the shoot was in Maine and involved 2 overnights with this couple and several of their friends, party atmosphere. She told him I'd given the OK, and THEN she told me it was a whole weekend thing.

When I found this out, I didn't want to be a bitch and say, oh, you can't go then. So... I spent all of the first day she was away masturbating! Yes, 12 hours, only taking breaks for food and water and a short nap. hehe. It was kinda fun, and definitely distracting, but probably doesn't work for most people. :p

Soon after that I met her new squeeze and his gf and then I was fine with her going away on one or 2 long weekends with them. I find once I meet the new person they seem like a friend and not a threat to our relationship.

Like NYCindie, I also ask if you and your wife never go on trips separately, on business, to see a friend or family? If not, now is the time to start, so that your brain might be tricked, when she's with a lover, that she's just away having fun with a friend, and will have interesting stories to tell you when she gets back!
 
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