This doesn’t sound good... - Bubblegum Crisis (1 of 3)
So apparently things aren’t cruising along as smoothly in some areas as I might have thought. Despite my thoughts that my gf K and I were in a positive place where we could start working on reconnecting and a few relatively minor things, we seem to have hit a rough patch instead. It’s thrown the entire relationship into the realm of uncertainty and doubt...not really where I wanted to be.
My gf are each others secondary’s, having a primary of her own, NN. They’re both fairly new to poly in it being their first attempts. The hierarchical nature of our relationship, and the priority given to primary partners was agreed upon from the outset of our relationship...as was the probability that our relationship was likely to be perishable, mostly due to the possibility that one of us would eventually have to move across the country.
I’ll try to spare most of the back story (like this blog wasn’t long enough already eh?) and I’m going to try to avoid details that aren’t really mine to share. Cross fingers and pray time I guess.
Apparently the relationship with my gf has been on the back burner for a while. While we had talked or got together for dates from time to time, as much as the schedule would allow, our physical relationship hit a series of challenges that required some time away from intimacy to figure out. While it’s not the end all be all of the relationship by any means, I do consider it an important part of a healthy relationship.
I suppose this might be where larger problems started, and where they continue to stem from. I discovered something about my jealousy & envy responses recently, in that I do not suffer from them most of the time with regards to my wife, and not with my gf where it concerned NN. Where I did start to get apprehensive, or uncomfortable about my responses was where K started talking about other guys that were around, particularly where it sounded like they might become emotionally or physically involved with her. I initially figured it was just my own shit that was mine to deal with, but now I’m less sure about that. It comes down to security and satisfaction. Security comes from the trust that the relationship will remain, and satisfaction in needs being met by the relationship, in terms of possibly emotionally, sexually, temporally. If something seems to be missing, then an apparent replacement by another partner threatens to fulfill the need for the partner, but not for me. If my needs weren’t being met, then another prospect lurking around seemed to trigger a jealous response for me. It’s not a comfortable place, it leads to me feeling selfish for wanting something from someone else, and not really kosher in the poly world, and it wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Her primary wouldn’t trigger anything, because I already knew I’d take second seat, so it was never unexpected. My wife rarely if ever triggers anything because I’m extremely secure in that relationship, and after 15 years, we have some highly developed mechanisms which allow us to adjust for needs which require attention...and when it does manifest it’s usually not another lover, but some other extra curricular activity that causes it.
At any rate, K always struck me as a bit of a free spirit, not content to be confined. The way she runs her relationships I figured out early on that if she wanted other partners or experiences, they would happen eventually, and probably quickly, regardless of if I was prepared for it. I didn’t want to restrict her, but there was going to be a tricky balance between her need to explore, and my need to know what was going on, and possibly the needs of metamores and the rest of the tribe/polycule/cluster, whatever.
So much for the setup. Hierarchical secondary’s, limited shelf life, intimacy, or lack thereof, security/trust, jealousy response, free spirit. I wouldn’t say things were coming apart, but they certainly weren’t getting better when I finally got to talking to K shortly after our anniversary to try and get at what was going on. It was a good lesson in having check-ins whether you think they’re needed or not. By that time our dates been regularly pre-empted, she had found other priorities to spend time at, mostly socially entertaining diversions, and there were other little things like suddenly not seeing details on the calendar. It seemed like she was trying to push me away...a suspicion that she confirmed when I finally asked her about it.
The “why” was still unanswered though. We still loved each other, and she didn’t seem to want to break up with me. She seemed to have concerns about the ideal relationship we had spoken of before, and didn’t have the energy to put into trying to make that happen at the moment, and then said something about her feeling it would be better for me if I went away...and forcing me to leave was easier for her. I really consider this whole kind of line of thinking a severe logic fail, and told her that she wasn’t getting rid of me that easily. After all, I have a bad habit of not giving up on people. At the time, it seemed to be the right answer, judging from her response.
At the time she needed some time and space to work on other priorities, like her primary relationship, and I was also somewhat indisposed, so I told her I’d give her some time to work on things, with a fixed end date to come back to working on us. I could be patient, and let her work on her stuff, and NN, but I didn’t want to leave it open to become a permanent hiatus, and if I wasn’t going to give up her, I didn’t want her giving up on me either. Knowing what would end up triggering me, I asked her not to be starting up other entanglements while this was going on. It wasn’t intended to limit her, or as a boundary or rule. I wanted her to know that I was ok with giving her space to work on her primary, but that using that time and space to find new people would be hurtful to me, since if she had energy for them, she should have enough for us! She agreed it was a fair request.
And then life happened. Time marched on and it was time to check in again, but as happens from time to time there was the unexpected. When I saw K a few weeks back, she was on her way home for a family emergency. But it seemed on the surface at least that we were in a better place overall, and that on her return we should be able to start working on us again. What was planned, and what actually happened wasn’t exactly similar.
The family emergency and my time away on vacation kept us apart a little longer than expected. When I got home I received an email from K about what had been going on while I was away. There were two things of note...there was another crisis, this time with a new friend that was taking her attention, and that she had been physical with two new people since we had last talked in person. I couldn’t fault her honesty in letting me know, but I was still hurt at the apparent lack of consideration, and it was plainly said that basically if I was upset, that was my problem, because she had her reasons. Suddenly a bunch of things were thrown into sharp relief as I flashed back to number of things over the previous weeks and months.
(To be Continued)