How "out" are you as poly, really? And why?

Thanks for the many thoughtful responses to this thread.

I've notice that the vast majority of these responses came from people who are part of a primary-style couple. I'd also love to hear views from solo poly/open people -- that is, people who don't have (and who maybe aren't seeking or don't want) a primary-style relationship of their own.

If you're solo (or maybe just consider yourself "single") and are or have been involved in poly/open relationships as a solo/single person:
- How out are you about being poly/open? In what contexts?
- Why are you out (or not)?
- What issues have you encountered regarding how out your significant relationship partners are/have been -- especially if you've been involved with people who do have a primary partner?

Thanks!

- Aggie
I guess I'd qualify as single/solo for the time being. I ended a secondary-type relationship a few months ago that had been going on for a little over a year. Other than that there are two other women that, while we acknowledge that we love each other, the relationships have not yet become sexual, only borderline romantic at times, and it's not entirely clear if either relationship will become romantic or sexual in the future. At this time it seems to be more in the "friendship" category with both of them. Aside from that, even when I identified as mono, I don't think I've ever been in a primary-type relationship.

However, it is not necessarily that I do not desire a primary-type relationship. I don't have a preference for relationship style; it depends on the person and what feels right. Some people feel right as friends, some as secondaries, or primaries. Each relationship is different, and I go with what works.

This thread has a topic, doesn't it? It was... um... openness. How open am I? Well, this is my left hand:

Infhearttat.jpg


So, I'm open to those who recognize that symbol, or who ask me about it, or who I tell because I want them to know. So, fairly open. I didn't send out a press release or anything, but I don't make any effort to hide it.

Why am I out? I don't see a reason not to be. I do not have any children, so custody battles aren't a concern. As far as employment goes, my preferred relationship style and having a tattoo on my hand is not relevant to any job. If someone chooses to not hire or fire me over something so trivial, they are obviously terrible at their job and I'd rather not work for someone so incompetent.

The only issue I've had with partners being less open that I am is that it occasionally it feels like they're being dishonest, and I occasionally have trouble determining whether not I can show affection in various public and social settings. Also one time I had a metamour who seemed to think that his position as primary meant that he was entitled to dictate the terms of my relationship with our girlfriend, and that I owed him something for "letting me screw his girlfriend." It wasn't long before that ended poorly for him.

In general, if someone is less open than I am and it's for a legitimate reason, like fear of consequences or just not being comfortable about it, I'm fine with it. I'm not okay with it if it's for reasons involving overt dishonesty or deception.
 
Thanks, Cindie

From my own experience, and that of many poly people (solo & not) whom I've asked about "outness" lately, it seems that usually this topic doesn't get discussed clearly and specifically early in a relationship.

Discrepancies tend to emerge only after the relationship is well established and there's substantial emotional investment. And what seems to be the most common way that outness discrepancies become apparent iS when a nonprimary partner inadvertently transgresses an outness-related boundary of the primary couple, which the primary couple never disclosed and often is unwilling to negotiate about.

Another common situation is when the nonprimary partner unexpectedly finds themself excluded, avoided, or demoted to "friend" status without warning or negotiation at an event or in a social setting.

There are various reasons for why people usually don't discuss outness clearly and early in poly/open relationships:

- early in any kind of relationship (even most mono ones) it's usually seen as pushy or moving too fast to make public mention of a relationship (such as calling someone your "girlfriend") within the first few months. During initial NRE it's hard to tell how serious a relationship might be in the long term. So for people with relationship experience, outness usually isn't much of an issue early on.

- People often like to imagine they're more open or braver than they actually are.

- Poly people often initially meet, fall in love & socialize within the poly community. When that's your main social context for a new relationship, it isn't always apparent that, say, a longtime poly primary couple may be considerably or entirely closeted in other social circles.

- Often people feel that that it's unromantic to clarify outness boundaries early on, that this is an NRE-killer because of clarifies limits rather than hopefully embraces possibility.

- Often primary poly couples assume that the norm is that, outside the poly community, they get the prerogative to maintain the appearance (and privilege) of mono couplehood -- so nonprimary partners "should "expect & be willing to roll with that.

...Of course, YMMV. If you've seen differently in your poly/open circles, if the poly people you know generally think very clearly about outness and discuss/negotiate it frankly and --especially -- EARLY in new relationships, I'd find that very encouraging. From what I've seen and heard about, that's usually not how it plays out in the real world, unfortunately.
 
Thanks for the many thoughtful responses to this thread.

If you're solo (or maybe just consider yourself "single") and are or have been involved in poly/open relationships as a solo/single person:
- How out are you about being poly/open? In what contexts?
- Why are you out (or not)?
- What issues have you encountered regarding how out your significant relationship partners are/have been -- especially if you've been involved with people who do have a primary partner?

Thanks!

- Aggie

Disclaimer: I am new to all of this, but am willing to share my experience so far.

- I am out to some of my close friends and a couple of colleagues who are close friends. I've also told my sisters, but not my parents or any ther family members. That's unlikely to change.
- No issues so far with my boyfriend (who has a primary partner). I imagine as time goes on, it will become more difficult to not be part of all of his life, but I guess we'll figure that out as we go.

Smiler
 
I blogged about this thread

Many thanks to everyone who's contributed to this excellent discussion so far. I appreciate the diversity of view on, and approaches to, outness in poly relationships.

I just published on SoloPoly.net a followup to my original post on the outness theme:

Why it can be hard to discuss how out you are (or want to be) early in poly/open relationships

This was sparked by Cindie's excellent and obvious question, which boils down to (paraphrasing): "Why wouldn't poly people just talk about this all clearly up front?"

I responded to that in this thread, but then decided to copy my remarks to my blog -- and also to link to this discussion thread, so others can see a range of views on this topic. (Note: I did not quote from anyone else's posts to this thread.)

Thanks for the great, and enlightening, discussion! I look forward to more.
 
This discussion is very educational. I will have to remember to clarify "outness" boundaries early on once I start actually dating people.
 
Thanks. I should have clarified: do you have a primary (spouse-type or life partner) relationship of your own?

Ah, sorry. I missed the question. Nope, it's just me. And my new p/t boyfriend. But I don't feel like I'm "single" because I am in a relationship, and "solo" sounds isolated, which I'm not... All semantics. :)
 
Yep, Smiler. I thought about that very issue hard before naming my blog SoloPoly.net. The trouble is, all the terms our language has to describe people who are unpartnered have vague-to-outright negative connotations or are just awkward. So I decided, at least for my own purposes, to reclaim "solo" and embrace it as a positive ace to start from. Not perfect, but better than most alternatives.

Also it applies more readily to folks who are in relationships -- just not primary-style (or primary-track) ones.
 
Yep, Smiler. I thought about that very issue hard before naming my blog SoloPoly.net. The trouble is, all the terms our language has to describe people who are unpartnered have vague-to-outright negative connotations or are just awkward. So I decided, at least for my own purposes, to reclaim "solo" and embrace it as a positive ace to start from. Not perfect, but better than most alternatives.

Also it applies more readily to folks who are in relationships -- just not primary-style (or primary-track) ones.

That's true. Now that I've given it more thought, you're right. Lots of positive framing of the word "solo" as well - like "flying solo", being a "soloist" at a concert etc. So, it's not a biggie. I need to go check out your blog!
 
Great article! I enjoyed reading it. I'm more out now than I ever have been; I am married and started dating my partner about 1.5 years ago. At first, I was very hesitant about being out about that (I have a child with my husband, which was the main reason for my fears) but have grown less concerned over time. (Much to my somewhat-conservative landlord's consternation at my birthday party, I think! He's now not really speaking to me after seeing me kiss my partner.)

I also don't subscribe to the idea of hierarchial poly, and it feels bad for me to deny my partner's importance to me or repress my feelings about him because of what others may think.

On the other hand, I've been irked (mostly earlier on in our relationship) of my partner not wanting to appear "too couple-y" with me, in case it scared off other (single) people who might be interested in him...I don't think that's been much of an issue lately, but it's still a bit difficult to consider. I'm wondering if this is/has been an issue for anyone else?
 
B2 is working over on the other side of the country for a few weeks, and I'm flying in for a hit 'n run visit the weekend after next. He's in my home city, so of course it'd be silly not to drop in and see my mother while I'm there.

So, to avoid awkwardness I just called my mother & told her about my "harem". Her main concern? Trying to work out if the word could be applied to a group of guys.
 
Runic Wolf and I are out to most of our friends about being poly, but only out to a select few about who I am seeing. We are not out on social media (or rather I am not) or to family due to my job's morality clause.

My boyfriend, Wendigo, and I agreed in the beginning that we needed to keep our relationship private for a few reasons: 1) my work's morality clause 2) he and his wife are living in a house on her family's property in a small rural town 3) Pretty Lady is a published author who is a very private person and didn't want people to make assumptions etc. that might affect her livelihood.

Over the years this has relaxed. Several of our friends know or at least suspect that we are involved romantically. Pretty Lady's family has moved off the property and Wendigo now works with my husband, so sleep overs are now possible because no one will be questioning why. At this point, Wendigo and I don't really care who knows, but aren't going out of our way to tell people. The general train of thought is that if we get shunned by our group of friends for something that hasn't effected them at all while they were unaware of it, than who needs them?

Family is a different story because our family helps us with childcare and rent. And when I came out as bi to my siblings, my dad found out and was cool, but he didn't know my mom was unaware and outed me. My mom willfully disbelieved and then was confronted with the truth when a friend posted pics on social media of me kissing a girl. My mom didn't speak to me for a week and then never mentioned it to me. She just told my sister that she didn't know where she'd gone wrong with me.
 
My husband and I are very out, to all our friends, all my co-workers, most of his, our wider social circle - down to the bartenders in our favorite bars.
The only people we're not out to are our parents. My husband wouldn't care about telling his, but I'm very hesitant about telling mine. They're old, very conservative, don't deal very well with talking about personal stuff, and we are not very close.

But, lately I've been feeling bad about lying to my mom about my whereabouts. Our conversations are pretty superfucial, so they often deal with where I've been and what I've been doing, and it has happened a couple of times that I said I spent a quiet weekend at home when I was in fact at my BF's (he lives in another city where I know noone else, so telling her I was visiting a friend in city X would be too weird). So, I don't know, I might tell them one of these days... am really dreading it though.

My husband has told his grown daughter some time ago he had a 'special friend' and she knows, but has said she doesn't want to discuss it with him.

Now when I'm with my BF it's different.. he's not afraid of being seen with me, PDA is ok, but I think he doesn't like people to know that I may be his GF, but am also married. His good friends know, this is more about aquaintances / co-workers. Haven't really talked about this with him, but it's kind of the vibe I get.

So while I would say I'm pretty out, reading this thread has made me think about degrees and level of outness. For instance, most of my co-workers know I have a BF who lives in another city. Some have even met him. But only a couple of them know I also have another BF who I only see occasionally, and at work no one knows I'm active on OKC and open to more relationships, right now reconnecting with an old lover, emailing with a cute new guy, etc.
Same with friends - they all know about 'poly', they all know about BF, but as for the rest, there are definitely degrees of openness.

Which makes me wonder... IF I tell my parents, what would I tell them? The easiest thing for them to stomach would be: "I'm in a serious second relationship, and btw so is Ren, and we're also still happy together".
The truth ("I'm exploring having lots of different relationships, spend a lot of time in city X with my BF, but also a lot of time with other guys") would be different I guess.....
 
I've notice that the vast majority of these responses came from people who are part of a primary-style couple. I'd also love to hear views from solo poly/open people -- that is, people who don't have (and who maybe aren't seeking or don't want) a primary-style relationship of their own.

Hi Aggie,

I just wanted to respond to this to say that there are only a handful of us (solo-identified folks not seeking a primary partner) on this forum. As far as I know, NYCindie and I are the only two regular/frequent posters in that category (until you came along, at least).

I like this topic and I'll have more to say on it, but right now I'll just say that the biggest issue for me about not being able to be fully "out" is that no one believes me when I say I'm poly/non-monogamous.

My friends know I've been involved with one guy for the last 10 months, and I've told them that we're non-monogamous and that I'm looking to date others, but my friends can't seem to grasp this or take me seriously. They ask me how things are going with my guy, but not about how my other dating searches are going.

Similar with my family. They won't really believe/understand unless I bring two guys home for Thanksgiving or something (which is not what I would want to do at all!)

I feel can't "prove" I'm having healthy, happy non-monogamous relationships unless I can demonstrate that I am indeed in more than one relationship. But the exploring/dating around is part of the fun for me, so obtaining more than one stable relationship is not my only goal in terms of what I want from dating.

Also, I'd like to be "out" as a single-by-choice person (regardless of what my dating life is like), but I find my family & friends also don't believe me, or they say things like, "Aw, you'll meet someone eventually. Don't give up!"

I'll post more later. Thanks for the topic, Aggie.
 
Thanks all -- and especially to Meera -- for chiming in on this thread!

Meera, I've also encountered that passively disrespectful brand of disbelief and selective interest from friends & family concerning my relationship preferences and experience. Got the same thing in my 20s & 30s concerning my choice to be child free. By my 40s those folks assumed I either had "given up" or actually meant what I'd said all along.

#facepalm
 
As far as I know, NYCindie and I are the only two regular/frequent posters in that category (until you came along, at least).
*waves*

I'm working on "regular", but I don't think I'll ever be "frequent".

Got the same thing in my 20s & 30s concerning my choice to be child free.
I found that dropped significantly once I was able to tell the well-meaning busybody that I'd had my tubes tied.
 
I've been using the words "my girlfriend" and "my girlfriend's husband" in casual conversation more and more lately. I keep waiting for someone to notice and ask about it. Finally today someone did.
"Wait, your girlfriend? I thought you had a husband."
"Yep, I do."
"Oh, so just like... your friend who's a girl."
"Nope, my girlfriend girlfriend."
"Oh. And your husband doesn't mind?"
"Nope."

Then our class started and the discussion ended. Later she flagged me down in the hall...

"So, you said your girlfriend has a husband?"
"Yep."
"Does your husband have a girlfriend, too?"
"Oh no. He figures one relationship is way more than enough work for him."

Then she mentioned about how she'd love to have "more than a 1-to-1 ratio" (you can tell we're science geeks) but that all the guys she's dated are really jealous and wouldn't go for that. I pointed out that it's just a matter of finding the people who would. Monogamy isn't for everyone. She conceded that point. I think we may have another convert!

On the phone later, my silly husband suggested that I should take her out for coffee... I think he believes I want to date every girl I meet. Oh well.
 
I found that dropped significantly once I was able to tell the well-meaning busybody that I'd had my tubes tied.

You know... You can still adopt.

Don't you? ;)
 
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