Thanks for the welcome, sparklepop! And your valuable perspective.
I am still processing a lot of what people have said here as well as my own feelings on the subject. Trying to see what resonates and what's useful. I find that it's most of it. It is a great support. I will take all I can get right now.
I wanted to say that I am somewhat limited on how much I can respond at the moment because I am trying to do all of this from my iPhone. Because of a collection of circumstances I don't have access to a computer right now. It is just fiddly and slow. But at least I have this option!
I will respond more in the next few days but in the meantime, since people seem open to it, I will post the backstory as it is something I had already written. Some of it will repeat things I have said here already but I don't have the time to edit it. So here it is. And yes, sparklepop: same farm, same girl, same poly-yearning me.
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I am having something of a personal crisis. I have spent the last year and a half living in a proverbial fishbowl. Working and, during the last season, living communally on a small vegetable farm in rural Northern Michigan. I have realized now this is the opposite of what I want. I am returning to live in Minneapolis in January. I crave more opportunities, more people, more perspectives. Having felt utterly trapped by my circumstances the last year, I desire personal freedom and new experiences more than ever.
With this move, a great number of things are changing at once. I am challenged with deciding just how much they need to change. Namely, the relationship I have been in. In my post of a year ago I expressed my concern with staying another season in a place and under living conditions where exploring poly among other things would be hard. After some encouragement from the forum, I felt some hope about making it work and decided to stay with my partner and stay at the farm another season. Before I finalized this decision I discussed at length with her what we both needed to change to make this a healthy season. I was going to work one day a week less so that I could have time to direct a play over the summer with the farm kids as well as play more music. She also wanted to work less to make more time for herself and her crafts. As difficult as it seemed, I also made it clear I needed to actively find ways to date other people. She was open to this but wanted some time for us to re-establish our relationship in our new environment together. Because of convenience and because it would give us more free time, we also consented to live together at the farm. I agreed to wait two months before seeking new partners. This felt like a fair compromise. We committed to this and to each other for the season. We decided we would do the best we could and when it was over see how we feel. I looked forward to the new season with optimism and excitement.
Well, as you may be guessing, none of this panned out. The farm completely took over our lives again and worse yet, when the day was over we were still there. We worked way more than we wanted. The play never happened. And living communally with our co-workers proved to be a fucking nightmare. I lost a dear friend of many years because of it. I spent much of the summer comforting my suffering partner, who was having anxiety attacks, and just trying to keep myself sane. We managed to still have some good times but they all had the unsettling flavor of escape. Feeling already pushed to my limits and with my partner feeling the way she was, I never sought new partners. Feeling totally trapped, I became stoic and felt keenly the desires and passions in my life I felt totally unable to explore. This led me early to plans to return to Minneapolis one the season was finished.
So here I am. It's over. I'm done with farming and the social limitations of a small town. I am grateful to have learned quite a lot though. Mostly about myself. Thus, I do not regret going back but it was, without a doubt, the worse summer of my life. Within a couple weeks I will be back in the city filled with resolve for the next chapter of my life. I would be be moving on with ease, but for my partner.
Reading over my post of a year ago, I see that much of what I desire and much of what I struggle with I realized even then. However, they are all the more troubling now because over the last year I have done nothing to truly advance my circumstances to match the life I want to be living.
Particularly throughout the last year, but really much longer, I have been aware of a feeling. A knowing. A deep desire to be totally independent, autonomous, self-focused and free to respond to opportunities and experiences however I want. This includes romantic and sexual opportunities as well. When I read about solo-poly, I feel very understood. I felt this desire to an almost intoxicating level when my partner and I went to two music festivals this summer. Being in those places full of people and possibilities made me positively ache to be there alone. My partner could feel it. I didn't know what to say. Now that I am changing my circumstances completely, that path calls to me loud and clear. "This is your chance!" it says. To live for myself. To push myself past my fears and realize my dreams.
Now we come to my issues. I have expressed all of this in plain terms to my partner. I seem to know what I want and she still does not know what she wants. She wants to try whatever she must to keep the relationship. Furthermore, she is feeling the desire to leave her hometown and the farm for the first time. A year ago, I could see us moving to Minneapolis together and exploring poly together. Now, I don't know that I have that to give anymore. The other night, I told her that what I needed was to be committed to myself. To explore my self and poly and to not have my actions so intensely affect someone else. To be solo-poly. Dating, but not looking for anything resembling a primary relationship. To, for now, keep that kind of energy for myself and the things I want to do in my life.
She does not want to hear this. She tells me that she is the only one trying to save the relationship. That what I want is drastic and too many changes at once. Sometimes though, it feels like a bid for my soul. But then she questions me and I feel all my footing, all of my confidence and resolution about what I want totally disappear. I am left lost and confused and with no idea how to trust myself anymore or how to make a decision. This all started pointing me toward codependency and a lack of good boundaries. Which then led to a big realization: I am afraid that my reasons for staying at the farm and for not seeking new partners were not my own, as I thought. That they were really because I didn't want to hurt her. I deluded myself. I felt a dissonance all year with my choice. I blamed other excuses but I think I may have been putting her needs before my own all along. And now, I am terrified that if I don't break away from this pattern now, I will be unable to change my behavior in relationships which keeps me from living the life I want. I am afraid if I don't take this chance now, I never will. I need some time to develop my self and learn who I am and what I want. I need to have experiences to do this. Knowing my weakness for codependency, I don't know that I can do this from within such an attached relationship. Which is why time alone and eventually solo-poly feel like my path.