Mono females & poly lovers

In the poly community monogamy is often looked down upon or considered "less evolved". I really had to wade through feeling bad and beating myself up that I couldn't be poly.

I think this is the case for most monos who move into a poly community through chance or circumstance. I certainly felt and experienced this. I also struggled with people even believing that a person could actually be monogamous LOL!

On the flip side, poly people can catch a lot of abuse and derogatory sentiments from the mono community who often find it impossible to believe a person can be "in love" with two people. So it is definitely a two way street.
 
On the flip side, poly people can catch a lot of abuse and derogatory sentiments from the mono community who often find it impossible to believe a person can be "in love" with two people. So it is definitely a two way street.

Oh, I'm totally aware of the poly prejudice as well, and I think it makes me equally sad (though it doesn't hit me as personally).

But I often feel like I'm riding a rare fence- living a mono life with a poly partner. Poly communities and forums don't exactly address my issues, and neither does the mainstream mono community. And I suppose my husband feels the same- he is a poly person with a mono wife he loves. Some poly forums literally say that if you are poly you should run away from mono people as fast as you can.

It's a mixed marriage- and that has its own unique challenges.

One reason I'm really glad I found this group.
 
But I often feel like I'm riding a rare fence- living a mono life with a poly partner. .

I admittedly spent a lot of time hovering between the two communities. I have never felt actually really connected to any social group though, so effectively feeling like a community of one is not uncomfortable to me. I enjoy our poly community a lot now and have found a place within it. I can be completely open with Redpepper amongst those friends. I do not have that freedom with most of my mono friends.

I understand the advice that poly people should avoid mono people for intimate relationships just as I usually discourage monos from dating polyamorous people. It makes sense to share your love with someone who truly understands "how you love" and communicates love the same way you do; monos often with exclusivity and pollies often with openness and expansiveness. Monos often feel inadequate and somewhat loved less I think and poly people often feel suppressed and manipulated. BUT sometimes it really works and through intense work, communication and respect a deeper level of love and connection can be reached and it is healthy and wonderful :)
 
Yep, but I feel this thread should be :monos and poly lovers. It is a unique enough niche without limiting it to females.

I have my blog, which seems to serve the silent majority, because it gets lots of hits and very few comments; the poly/mono group on yahoo, which is great for support, this group which is just great and my new years resolution is to "come out" with confidence in everyday life.
 
If so - how did you 'cross that line' ?
What reasoning did you discover that allowed you to see that your own wants and needs might be met regardless of a different set of needs in your partner ?

This is a really interesting question to me because I have just "crossed the line" myself and it's hard to say what made it happen. Some of the ingredients included:

* my husband showering me with love
* talking about everything, both with him and his girlfriend
* getting to know her
* a lot of introspection
* a lot of crying
* spending a lot of time reading on this forum

No single one of these could have made it happen without the others, and most importantly with plenty of time for the process to work itself out within me. It didn't happen consciously, although I did consciously *aspire* to make it happen. It was like this mysterious alchemical process that I don't fully understand.

And I am still amazed by it: in August when they spent a night together (but with no sex) it was the most painful night of my entire life. But when she was here last week (she lives far away and was visiting for Christmas) I was able to give them a night in our bed, sex not off limits this time, while I slept on the couch downstairs and I was actually truly happy about it, I felt real compersion. And I had no idea I would be capable of that until it happened. I don't think it's something you can control....you just need to make sure the ingredients are there and then give it all plenty of time to simmer inside you.
 
But when she was here last week (she lives far away and was visiting for Christmas) I was able to give them a night in our bed, sex not off limits this time, while I slept on the couch downstairs and I was actually truly happy about it, I felt real compersion. .

Hats off to you my friend!! That is a wonderful gift you gave them both and I am glad you are healthy in it :) I'm not sure if you are a person who feels or believes in the concept of tangible energy but I am curious; if you do believe in energy in that way, has it changed in your room and bed since that night?
 
Hats off to you my friend!! That is a wonderful gift you gave them both and I am glad you are healthy in it :) I'm not sure if you are a person who feels or believes in the concept of tangible energy but I am curious; if you do believe in energy in that way, has it changed in your room and bed since that night?

Yes, I do feel/believe in that sort of energy, but it hasn't changed at all. Maybe because I was so happy to be doing it....or rather, for them to be doing it ;). It was coming from me, it was my idea. Also, I've come to feel like whatever happens between them isn't outside our marriage, but rather a part of it. I hope that isn't too co-dependent or anything; it feels right. Even though I don't know all the details of their love, it's all happening within the context of our marriage, so it doesn't feel like anything strange or foreign happened in our bed. Forming a close friendship with her also made it easier for me to give them that space together.
 
..........
I think you are asking about "thoughtful" decision making, rather than reactionary emotional discovery.

However, when it comes to relationships, humans are rarely logical. One doesn't know what one feels until one feels it.

Well ! I just discovered this thread kept going after I thought it died. (The notification system has been sketchy for me at least lately)

I think moving over to poly in this culture does require a certain level of logical analysis and decision making. It requires you to sit down and have a little conversation with yourself regarding questions such as....

What IS love ? What does it mean to me and how do I want it to manifest?

What is a 'relationship'. Why would I want to be in one - or more ? What will I expect to get from it - and what will be expected of me ?

and more similar questions..............

The reason for the OP was partially selfish and partially general information. Over a few years I've discovered several 'connections', solid potential love connections, but with people who identified strictly mono. Their response of course was 'well - "if only you weren't married etc" and followed by some comment about being what we refer to as the 'mono mindset'. There was absolutely no inclination to consider any alternatives even after I explained that there ARE other alternatives out here - and ones that offer many advantages and work very nicely. No. End of discussion.

Now someone might say it was just my bad luck, the particular people that I happened across. But I see this as much more. It's part of the established mentality/culture.

So I tossed out this post in hopes of getting some 'real life' feedback from people who had been at this point at one time in their life and made a different choice. A choice to at least look and investigate. Someone who had survived the shock of having their belief system shattered and rebuilt in a different form. And especially someone(s) that that are glad they did !

Thanks again everyone !

GS
 
The reason for the OP was partially selfish and partially general information. Over a few years I've discovered several 'connections', solid potential love connections, but with people who identified strictly mono. Their response of course was 'well - "if only you weren't married etc" and followed by some comment about being what we refer to as the 'mono mindset'. There was absolutely no inclination to consider any alternatives even after I explained that there ARE other alternatives out here - and ones that offer many advantages and work very nicely. No. End of discussion.

Now someone might say it was just my bad luck, the particular people that I happened across. But I see this as much more. It's part of the established mentality/culture.

So I tossed out this post in hopes of getting some 'real life' feedback from people who had been at this point at one time in their life and made a different choice. A choice to at least look and investigate. Someone who had survived the shock of having their belief system shattered and rebuilt in a different form. And especially someone(s) that that are glad they did !
GS

We have discussed this earlier in the thread. I think the consensus was that where there is already a solid loving relationship or marriage monos will and do adapt, especially if they can still get everything they want out of a relationship that has turned from mono to poly.

My partner has found, as you have, that it is more unlikely for monos being asked to come into an already established relationship, to consider this relationship alternative. Having found a poly group to mix with he finds it much easier to even be able to ask other women out for coffee, movies etc without being looked at with suspicion.

Opening yourself up emotionally is a risk. I can fully understand why mono women wouldn't want to go there with a poly guy. There is a little thread warning about poly men that sums it up quite well.
 
I have to second that this needs to be expanded to Mono's with poly lovers. I think that dabbling in both worlds has left me with the feeling that I am not fully accepted in either anymore.

That being said, I don't mind being in limbo...Mono and I have a party, it's great...but that being said I think the point has been made that we adapt, and I think it's very true.
 
I have to second that this needs to be expanded to Mono's with poly lovers. I think that dabbling in both worlds has left me with the feeling that I am not fully accepted in either anymore.

That being said, I don't mind being in limbo...Mono and I have a party, it's great...but that being said I think the point has been made that we adapt, and I think it's very true.
Mono went through this transition (for want of a better term) also. I was completely used to being marginalized and on the edge of our culture, but was not at all. It was a huge deal for him. Our earlier posts reflect that time vividly. There were times he had a great deal of anger over it all. I don't know how he feels now. Only he can answer that for certain.
 
Hey Indy
There's a few more of us out here who would party with you and Mono you don't need to be that marginalized. :).

I think the reality is that even those of us identifying as mono are all slightly different and in a way polyamory has allowed us the freedom to explore and discover those differences. For instance Mono is mono all the way; while you, if I've read correctly would like to add another lover if one showed up. Even I would be open to it if someone who was a perfect fit into our life popped up, although I certainly aren't actively looking and I would be very careful because I'm enjoying this period of calm in my emotional life after the turbulence of adaptation.
 
Mono went through this transition (for want of a better term) also. I was completely used to being marginalized and on the edge of our culture, but was not at all. It was a huge deal for him. Our earlier posts reflect that time vividly. There were times he had a great deal of anger over it all. I don't know how he feels now. Only he can answer that for certain.

Here's a link to a thread I started which specifically details some of the struggles I have had around finding a place from a community aspect. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1408
Ultimately I was already seperated from my old community through self isolation, so not feeling connected either way is not particularly uncomfortable anymore. I enjoy our poly community but do not feel a true part of it. For example, we have a men's group similar to the women's group that RP started. I don't want to hang out with them because a lot of what they talk about is understandably related to being poly, opening up relationships, forming new connections etc, etc. I am mono and don't think the same way as they due on a very fundamental and prevelant topic of discussion. But I have never hung out in groups: the closest thing to this type of social gathering is with guys I ride with...and we only get together when we are riding; if bikes aren't involved we don't get together.

I can certainly be more of myself and enjoy family time more within the poly community. That is 100% true. The majority of the mono community (if aware) spends too much time questioning and not enough time just letting me enjoy their company and enjoying mine.

Being in between comunities creates a short list of people I am willing to confide in. If I need an outside perspective on my thoughts I go to my best friend..RP. I do often share on here but the only other person I really make myself vulnerable to is her husband.

For the most part I rely on myself. I still feel like a community of one but am happy in that.
 
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GG is mono-very very mono, a lot like Mon. ;)

He doesn't socialize in the poly group much. He pretty much limits any interest at all to Mon & RP.

He's a pretty open and social person in "real life" but he hasn't a lot to talk about in terms of polyamory, because there isn't anything about BEING poly that remotely interests him.

On the other hand, he gets a LOT of flack from people in the monogomous world who think he's just getting used.

So-he tends to just not talk about it at all.

For example, I went to his work xmas party with him. He introduced me as his girlfriend. But no explanation about the fact that I'm also happily married. I keep wondering what will happen if I see these people in public and I'm hanging on Maca's arm......

So far that hasn't happened, but the truth is-it's only a matter of time, it's not a very big place we live in.
 
I am right on the imaginary line between mono and poly. I opened up initially at my husband's request, thinking that he would find a girlfriend and I would learn to have her as a part of our family. Then I found a lover. Then the marriage fell apart.

Now... I love my lover, and I love his primary and their child. I don't know whether or not I'll find someone who will fit with this family of mine or not. I suspect that I would give up being a secondary lover for the opportunity of a long-term committed partner, if I had to. This is hard to say. I didn't expect to fall for the lover, much less the whole family dynamic, and there are so many benefits to having an OSO I never ever suspected.

I also find having more than one partner draining. When I was still with my husband, there was a lot of drama, but I think maybe it had to do with other issues. I've tried dating since. Maybe it's draining because they were a poor fit?

There was a shitload of pain involved with my growth and change process. I'm glad I decided to try it. I'd be open to other poly relationships, but very cautious about with whom and how they function. I'm not convinced that it is better or worse than a mono relationship.
 
I'm not convinced that it is better or worse than a mono relationship.

I'm absolutely not convinced.
I think relationships stand on their own.

Yes I'm poly-but it's not "a mono or poly".

It's a relationship with Maca.
A relationship with GG.
A relationship with the two of them (which is friends only).

If I was mono, I'd still have three relationships, only the one with GG would also be friends only.

ANY type of relationship requires work. In fact, I fear in the past I've put more work into my friendships than I have in my romantic relationships.
Which very well may explain why my friendships have lasted 20+ years, but my romantic relationships have not.
 
:eek:
GG is mono-very very mono, a lot like Mon. ;)

He doesn't socialize in the poly group much. He pretty much limits any interest at all to Mon & RP.

He's a pretty open and social person in "real life" but he hasn't a lot to talk about in terms of polyamory, because there isn't anything about BEING poly that remotely interests him.

On the other hand, he gets a LOT of flack from people in the monogomous world who think he's just getting used.

So-he tends to just not talk about it at all.

For example, I went to his work xmas party with him. He introduced me as his girlfriend. But no explanation about the fact that I'm also happily married. I keep wondering what will happen if I see these people in public and I'm hanging on Maca's arm......

So far that hasn't happened, but the truth is-it's only a matter of time, it's not a very big place we live in.

Getting a lot of flack from the monogamous world is what I have been dealing with via Kat and 2Rings. It is most frustrating to get to a certain level and then get pushed back because of outside pressures from closed-minded, hypocritically judgemental people in our lives-mostly their lives. The mono female in our situation, as most on here know, has struggled mightily. She is trying, very hard to be happy because she so loves 2Rings. However, lots of things have happened and I get so worried that negative input from the outside, traditionally mono world will set us back. Because my social group/s are a bit different and I have handled the outting a bit different with my loved ones -being very selective- I had not had to deal with any rejection...skepticism yes more about the possibility of successful poly relationships...but not complete rejection. So it is very hard to come across close loved ones in their lives that COMPLETELY reject the idea of me. It also makes me very anxious and resentful. My initial reaction is "shut those people out"...don't let them in our lives (his life). But, then I relaize their ignorance is because of perspective, misinformation and misplaced bias as to we have to pick sides. I need to let them get to know me for me. Not as a "homewrecker" and some kind of predator who has lured 2Rings into a relationship. So not the case! Since they do not know most of my love's sexual background, nor do they really know how our relationship developed they are not making informed decisions about me, or us.
It is tough.:eek:

I'm absolutely not convinced.
I think relationships stand on their own.
LR I totally agree with this! No difference in how the individual relationships work whether as a mono or poly.
 
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No one in my family or Maca's has "rejected" us. They mostly think I'm crazy-but they always have, so it's all good.

GG's family has outright rejected us and they don't even KNOW we're poly. They only know that Maca and I's youngest child is biologically GG's. That was enough to send them over the roof-even though it was all consensual AND we offered to allow them to retain family relationships with her.

BUT-fuck 'em.

I love GG. I don't rightly give a damn what they think. If they loved him the way I do, they would accept him even though they don't understand him. I have to do that damn near to every day.
 
No one in my family or Maca's has "rejected" us. They mostly think I'm crazy-but they always have, so it's all good.

GG's family has outright rejected us and they don't even KNOW we're poly. They only know that Maca and I's youngest child is biologically GG's. That was enough to send them over the roof-even though it was all consensual AND we offered to allow them to retain family relationships with her.

BUT-fuck 'em.

I love GG. I don't rightly give a damn what they think. If they loved him the way I do, they would accept him even though they don't understand him. I have to do that damn near to every day.

LOL! You sound like 2Rings. He says, "I want their acceptance, but I don't need it." I so appreciate that no matter what anyone else thinks or opines about us, he is determined to make it work because I make him happy, and KT makes him happy, and no one else really matters in that sense. He is a determined, unwavering fella. And always makes me laugh and feel better about the future.:D His optimism is energizing.
And so is your's LR!
 
Thanks.
I love Maca, I love GG. I didn't plan it that way, but I do and I'm good at it.
So-
fuck 'em.

:)
 
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