Always learning...freeantigone's blog

freeantigone

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After choosing to actively pursue the poly lifestyle in July 2010, all sorts of things have happened already and we haven't even started being physical with people yet! (Warning, this could be a long one!)

We've been through a lot as a couple in the last 8 years: debt, illness, stress, pain...and come through it stronger than ever. We're hugely proud of the commitment we have and don't believe that seeing other people makes any difference to how important that commitment is to us.

At the moment the biggest snag we have is finding S (my male partner) a playmate. As I've mentioned elsewhere we don't want to be physical with other people until both of us have someone to be physical with. Thus far it's been pretty fruitless, however we recently met a lady who is not only vegan (like us) but poly too! S messaged her on OKC and she seemed very keen to say hello. We should be seeing her at a mutual friend's birthday drinks tomorrow :D

I have 2 possible playmates lined up. One of which, A, a friend of ours for some years, has always been very flirtatious with me and is very keen to be a FWB, even if he comes across as quite standoffish. I think he'll open up a little once we are being physical (we've had one brief encounter already, which doesn't seem to have put him off :p) but even if he remains a bit distant, I can deal with that.

S is a little threatened by A as he feels the overt flirting over the years was a little cheeky (neither we nor A knew we were poly at the time), and added to this is that A isn't hugely sociable. I'm leaving the situation for now but I plan to explain the situation to A once we are seeing each other and try to iron out those issues.

I recently met someone online, E, who is poly but not vegan. He is vegan friendly though and while I'd like to have all-vegan lovers the pool of people who are vegan & poly is pretty small, so I'm willing to see how it goes with him. We play online pretty regularly which is fun. I'm meeting him on Tuesday at a Poly meetup which I'm pretty nervous about :blush:

The online play with E has brought some of my past issues to the surface. I have previously had txt/online play with men and been accused of being a tease because I was wary of or didn't want to meet IRL. As far as I was concerned it was just play, but being accused of that and seeing people turn nasty has burned my fingers somewhat.

After a pretty hot online play session today I started to get worried about E's expectations, and the feelings from my past play session came to the surface. After worrying for a bit, managing to convince myself he was either going to jump me when he first saw me or get angry with me, I explained why I felt stressed. E explained that he had no expectations. He'd obviously like to play IRL with me but if we were friends who played online that'd be fine too. I feel much better now :)
 
pst the beauty of taking on non-vegan lovers is that you can show them something new and who knows maybe they'll chose to become vegan. RP is vegetarian and although I'm not I am eating a meatless diet more often than not when my husband isn't home. You probably don't want to take on a die hard carnivore, but why not a vegetarian?
 
pst the beauty of taking on non-vegan lovers is that you can show them something new and who knows maybe they'll chose to become vegan. RP is vegetarian and although I'm not I am eating a meatless diet more often than not when my husband isn't home. You probably don't want to take on a die hard carnivore, but why not a vegetarian?

Well I'm open to vegan-friendly carnivores too, as long as they're happy to eat vegan around me. And like you say, I might be a good influence on them :)

Since playing with E online (we met on Tuesday at a Poly meet) I've realised that while I like him, and would probably like to play IRL with him at some point, I care much more for A. I'm trying to arrange a date with A in the next few weeks as I miss him, which I wasn't expecting. It feels nice though :)
 
RP is vegetarian and although I'm not I am eating a meatless diet more often than not when my husband isn't home.

RP has been a great influence on me. While I don't do things based on the ethical side of vegetarianism, I do enjoy the substitutes for meats. I probably eat 80 to 90 percent less animal protein then when I first met her.
I must admit I feel pretty healthy and I love vegan food!....escpecially Derby's lemon cake...yummmeee!!!
 
Sean is a pretty big carnivore, the kind to have not one but two burgers a meal. So I was pretty shocked when he said that the time he spent with us in December, he wants to eat exactly the same diet as I do! (I am not vegan: I will have eggs and sometimes honey. I'm allergic to dairy but I "treat" myself to some very occasionally).

I never push my diet because I feel it's a very personal thing. I know that no outsider could have "convinced" me to become vegetarian, it's a decision I had to make on my own. So I don't push other people as I feel it's really not my place. But I've found most people want to at least try, and a lot of them reduce their consumption. Some of them have actually stopped eating animals completely! Sometimes it feels like just seeing it's possible to eat a healthy vegetarian diet is all they need.

I wouldn't make it a condition for my partners. But I never "select" my partners: I fall in love with someone and take them as they are. It means a lot to me though when they want to try eating the same food I eat.
My husband isn't vegetarian either, but he avoids cooking meat at home if I'm around, because the smell can really linger, and while it used to be a pleasant smell for me when I first became vegetarian, now it's rather unpleasant. I don't mind when I'm in a restaurant or at someone else's place, though, if everyone else is eating meat (although I always feel bad if people cook a special meal for me!).
However, there is something nice about being able to eat from your lover's plate, for sure. Or being able to cook for them.

And I like telling people that it's not "all or nothing". If you eat some meat, you're not vegetarian, true, but you don't have to eat meat at every meal or none. You can have one vegetarian meal every so often, or one non-vegetarian meal every so often, or anything in between. It's really about what works for you.

While I guess I can understand wanting to be with someone who shares your values if they're essential to you, I also like being able to share new things, make my partners discover things. There is so much in vegetarian cuisine, I love cooking for people who aren't vegetarian and see their reactions.

However, I think it would be a bad idea to enter a relationship with the mindset of "I'm in a crusade to convert them to X". If it happens, it will be because they want it to, not because you made them, so it's good to keep in mind that there is a chance they won't change at all. If being a vegan is a very important condition to you, don't count on "turning" them vegan. Then, yes, it would indeed be safer to find someone who is already vegan to begin with.

Anyways, that's all very general, it didn't seem to me in your post that you're in any "crusade" about E :p
 
Right, more developments, so I guess I should post!

The email play between E & I just seems to be getting hotter :D I think once we are physical it could be dynamite ;)

A has been off the grid for a while, I think he's struggling with a few things in his life. I'm seeing him today to go shopping so we'll see how that goes. I feel a little bit like he's disappearing from my life but that might be my paranoia about being abandoned.

Other than that Mr FreeAntigone and I had a looooong talk last night (aren't poly chats always long though? :p ) about the friction that's been felt between us this week. We've both been struggling for various reasons, and we decided that the 'equivalent playmates' rule (whereby neither of us can start being physical with someone else until we've both got a playmate) wasn't working. Instead, we decided that we both (well, mainly me :eek:) need to put more effort into our relationship, and once Mr F feels that we are more stable then I can start being physical with A and E.

I've been struggling with the rule (what can I say, I'm impatient) but last night reminded me that this is bringing a lot of Mr F's old wounds back to the surface. He was cheated on by his wife and it destroyed him, and he's terrified of losing me. I don't feel the same partly because I feel very secure in our partnership and partly I'm just not as emotionally literate as he is.

Laying there in bed crying together and talking reminded me why he feels the way he does right now - it's not jealousy or ownership - he's scared of us being compromised.
 
It's been a difficult few days.

On Saturday A was as delightful as ever. I found saying goodbye was hard, and seeing him reminded me of why I love his company. As a result of having such a lovely time I'm really struggling to reconcile my feelings.

On the one hand I have the desire to spend time with A and to take our relationship into physical territory. On the other hand I have the knowledge that if I do so now it will hurt Mr FreeAntigone, and I simply cannot cause him pain.

These two sets of feelings are completely opposed, and putting attention into one set is detrimental to the other. I really don't know what to do, whichever path I take (including sitting here and doing nothing) hurts.

I know Mr FA is trying to work out his feelings and I don't want to rush him, but I'm hurting too. Every option seems negative :(
 
Well, all sorts of developments since my last post. A female friend of ours (S) is currently discussing being with Mr FA. She's taking it slowly and has obviously got strong values about fairness and honesty, which is great. I really hope they work it out as she's a great friend and I'd be happy to have her in our life :)

E has been fucked around by his ex the last few weeks so has been pretty quiet. After breaking up in Feb over her being mono and him poly, she got a job where he works (creepy!) and then started saying she'd try being poly and making loads of plans with him. She then said she didn't think it would work and really hurt him. It sounds like she's been stringing him along and he's pretty cut up about it. He's said enough is enough now but still feeling it. As a result of feeling this way he only halfheartedly played online with me Thursday night. This pissed me off so I suggested today (when I'd calmed down) that we have a bit of a break. I don't feel great about it but I think with time it'll get better.

A has continued to be distant which has made me feel pretty rejected. As Mr FA has been negotiating with S (see first para) he's had a chance to work on some things in his head, and now feels happy with me seeing A for non-PIV (for now) play in the coming months, with the understanding that we'll see how we feel after each time and go from there. I mentioned this to A and got a frosty reply (to be fair, he was having a pretty rough day) which made me feel awful. After chewing it over in my head (which allowed me to realise that A isn't the best communicator and this may be the shape of things to come) I told him I wanted to discuss some things with him and sent him an email. It outlined what the current situation is and communicates that if he isn't that interested then I'm not looking for emotionless fucking. No reply as yet, we'll see how that goes.

I do feel like we're getting somewhere, but this week has been a rough ride for me.
 
I hope you are able to have the conversations you seek and continue to make progress in your relationships.

I feel bad for E. That is one of the things that upset me the most about people who don't know what they want. They tend to be misleading and then fail to see/acknowledge what they've done when it comes to the forefront. I hope E works through it.
 
I saw E today for a day of art spotting. I was pretty nervous about going but had a lovely day. I felt very comfortable around him and the few times he touched me (very respectfully) - putting his arm in mine, stroking his hand along my shoulders, gently kissing me goodbye - felt lovely. I've been having second thoughts about him lately (I think because my desire for A is so strong) but today has really pushed me off the fence. Where my feeling for A is like being hit by a train, my feelings for E are gentle and delicate - they can sit untouched, almost invisible, and then come back to life with the gentlest breath.

Mr FA has said he's ok for me to start being physical with A and E if I wish - not PIV but just gentle fooling around, taking it slowly. A knows about this and is still getting his head round it (he's not very happy at all ATM, work and housing situations are making him very stressed. I'm worried about him :( ) and up until now I hadn't mentioned it to E as I wasn't sure how I felt about him. After today I've decided to tell him, and just sent him an email. It's got some ground rules in it - take it very slowly, he needs to get tested, we're going to use as much protection as we can - so he has to be happy with those.

We'll see...
 
I feel bad for E. That is one of the things that upset me the most about people who don't know what they want. They tend to be misleading and then fail to see/acknowledge what they've done when it comes to the forefront. I hope E works through it.

Well he's still seeing her, and apparently she's ok with it being poly. He said to me today he's not sure if it'll work out and he imagines they'll just end up as friends, but he's seeing how it goes. Personally I think she's trouble, but we'll see.
 
E took days to get back to me, partly due to being busy but also he's freaked out about getting tested. He's been poly for a while and has never been tested, and is worried about it.

He annoyed me a bit by being so quiet, but we're all made up now. I feel pretty good :)
 
Blimey has it been this long? I've been so busy at work, moving house and catching various viruses that I've hardly been online.

A has met someone and is in a (mono) relationship now. That hurt, but he'd been quiet for a month or two due to work stress and finding somewhere to live that I feel we were drifting apart a little anyway. And, while this may sound harsh, A himself pointed out that his ability to maintain relationships for more than a few months is pretty crap so he may become available again soon. If this person does turn out to be 'the one' then that will hurt; but I'm trying not to think about that right now.

E and I have become closer: we see each other every few weeks to visit galleries, have lunch and some kisses and cuddles. His ex has reared her head a few times but he's fed up with her f**king him about and isn't going to put up with her anymore. I'm really glad because she's bad news. He has yet to get tested but he is going to: I've made it very clear that I don't want to do anything physical until he's been tested, and he's fine with that. I feel like we're getting closer emotionally which is lovely :)

Mr FA has had a few dates with S, and while she's still getting her head around a few things she's very interested. S and I get along well which is cool. I had a bit of a wobble last week when he saw her at ours (I went out with E for the day and he helped me through, which was lovely of him) and we're taking both of our respective other partnerships slowly.

All in all it's going pretty well, I just wish I had A in the mix too :(
 
Hmm...A is in a mono now, huh, and only really has a few month timeframe on his relationships? He doesn't seem like someone that would be good for either style, imo, but I am glad he is obtaining what he desires ... I guess. Great to stay firm with E about the testing. I just don't get why people don't get tested (urine & blood) regularly anyway, sexually active or not. I'm glad you and FA are feeling out your journey. Take care.
 
^Thanks for your post :)

Well, more drama. Work stress and more illness (I can't figure out if it's been one virus after another or a MEGA VIRUS that's been hanging around since October - maybe it's a polyamorous constellation of viruses and they're all out to get me! :D) has meant my absence from this forum and thread.

E and I had a big bust up and didn't talk for a month or two. We're just starting to communicate again but it's made me think long and hard about what role I want him to have in my life. I'm still not sure, but I doubt I'll be able to be sexual with him.

A has been a kind and constant friend, he's admitted that he is too insecure for us to be FWB at the moment. Maybe that will change, maybe not, but I'm OK with the relationship being what it is destined to.

I met a lovely guy T about 6 weeks ago who I clicked with very quickly. After a miscommunication and an odd 3rd date he left the country both literally (working in Taiwan until May) and electronically (did not reply to emails or txts) I'm really not sure what (if anything) will happen when he returns to the UK. I'd like us to start again and see what we can work out so, even if he ignores me (which is likely) I'm going to email him when he's back on home soil and ask him out for a date. Just a coffee, maybe a wander round a museum, take it slow. We'll see.

I am starting to wonder if I'm going to encounter the same problems as Mr FA - finding suitable partners. S has been very odd since I last posted, I'm not sure anything is going to work out between them which is a shame. There's too much stuff going on in her head for it to work right now.

I'm tired of looking for partners, and Mr FA is flagging too. So we're going to focus on each other a bit more and consider our options. It may be that neither of us find anyone soon.
 
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