Hi there. I'm a long time lurker, occasional poster, but I'm not sure if I have ever laid everything on the line like this and opened up with my situation. The reason I'm opening up now? Well, I don't know anyone else who is in the same situation that I'm in. Well, not exactly. I do know one other person... but I'm now sleeping with him, so he's not someone I can turn to for advice these days and he is now one of the elements involved.
A little background.
I'm 40years old, female, divorced. My ex husband is still a really good friend of mine, but we realized we are much better friends than partners.
I have been involved with a wonderful man who lives 4 1/2 hours south of me. He is married, and has been for over 20 years. We don't use labels, but for lack of anything better, I am his secondary. His wife is partially disabled, but has a boyfriend who lives across the country that she sees for about 2 weeks once a year. He is I. She is R. I. and I have been pretty seriously involved for about 2 1/2 years. We try to see each other on average about once per month.
I lived alone, and now live with my dad, who I moved in with when my mom passed away quite unexpectedly. I work from home, and try to get myself out of the house as much as I can, as I am in a position where if I am in front of the computer, I feel like I should be working.
Enter W. W. and I have been friends for a little less time than J. and I have been dating. But to put a figure on it, we have also been friends for about 2 1/2 years. W. is divorced with 2 kids. He has a girlfriend who is long distance as well that he has given his heart to. She is married, also with children.
W. and I have done some exploring, and have taken our relationship to another level. Friends with benefits. Which has very fuzzy lines because the benefits part is, to put it bluntly, amazing. And there was a pretty strong friendship as a basis, which brings up all the feels. But I'm dealing with that - it's a new situation for both of us, and we are learning as we go along. Neither of us really have time for a "primary" relationship. And there is the kids factor for him - he has no real interest in doing anything that will confuse them any further, which I completely get and am on board with.
Here's my new issue, though. And this is something that I completely would have been talking with W. about before this latest... development.
How do you deal with feelings of not feeling like you are first in someone's life?
So with I., It's what I signed up for. And most of the time, I am completely ok with it. But some days... some days I wish that a decision could be made where my feelings are taken into account first, instead of hers. It's not that my feelings aren't taken into account. They are. But she always comes first. And I have no one in my life where -I- come first. And for me, it's something that I am having difficulties with these days.
Even in my marriage things were like this. We were not poly (my ex doesn't understand the concept, but is happy that I'm happy), but he was and still is married to his company and father (who is his boss) first, and then was married to me.
The thought of being in a situation where I am someone's ONLY focus actually feels suffocating to me. And I know that I never want to be in a monogamous relationship again. But how do I get over that feeling of feeling like an afterthought - enough though INTELLECTUALLY I know that this is not the case?
Thanks for reading. If you got through all of this, I give you a lot of credit. And feel free to ask additional questions. I'm sure I've forgotten some details.
A little background.
I'm 40years old, female, divorced. My ex husband is still a really good friend of mine, but we realized we are much better friends than partners.
I have been involved with a wonderful man who lives 4 1/2 hours south of me. He is married, and has been for over 20 years. We don't use labels, but for lack of anything better, I am his secondary. His wife is partially disabled, but has a boyfriend who lives across the country that she sees for about 2 weeks once a year. He is I. She is R. I. and I have been pretty seriously involved for about 2 1/2 years. We try to see each other on average about once per month.
I lived alone, and now live with my dad, who I moved in with when my mom passed away quite unexpectedly. I work from home, and try to get myself out of the house as much as I can, as I am in a position where if I am in front of the computer, I feel like I should be working.
Enter W. W. and I have been friends for a little less time than J. and I have been dating. But to put a figure on it, we have also been friends for about 2 1/2 years. W. is divorced with 2 kids. He has a girlfriend who is long distance as well that he has given his heart to. She is married, also with children.
W. and I have done some exploring, and have taken our relationship to another level. Friends with benefits. Which has very fuzzy lines because the benefits part is, to put it bluntly, amazing. And there was a pretty strong friendship as a basis, which brings up all the feels. But I'm dealing with that - it's a new situation for both of us, and we are learning as we go along. Neither of us really have time for a "primary" relationship. And there is the kids factor for him - he has no real interest in doing anything that will confuse them any further, which I completely get and am on board with.
Here's my new issue, though. And this is something that I completely would have been talking with W. about before this latest... development.
How do you deal with feelings of not feeling like you are first in someone's life?
So with I., It's what I signed up for. And most of the time, I am completely ok with it. But some days... some days I wish that a decision could be made where my feelings are taken into account first, instead of hers. It's not that my feelings aren't taken into account. They are. But she always comes first. And I have no one in my life where -I- come first. And for me, it's something that I am having difficulties with these days.
Even in my marriage things were like this. We were not poly (my ex doesn't understand the concept, but is happy that I'm happy), but he was and still is married to his company and father (who is his boss) first, and then was married to me.
The thought of being in a situation where I am someone's ONLY focus actually feels suffocating to me. And I know that I never want to be in a monogamous relationship again. But how do I get over that feeling of feeling like an afterthought - enough though INTELLECTUALLY I know that this is not the case?
Thanks for reading. If you got through all of this, I give you a lot of credit. And feel free to ask additional questions. I'm sure I've forgotten some details.
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