Newbie (to poly relationships AND forum) Advice?

896vr7

New member
Okay, so I'm having a problem. The problem is that I'm jealous, and I can't seem to turn it off. But the situation is a bit complicated -- so generic lists of advice don't work, because it's not a generic situation.

I've had some sorta Special Thing with a friend, L, for almost two years now. We started hooking up and spending TONS of time together, and I immediately wanted to date them, but they thought they might be aromantic and generally didn't want a relationship at the time. Perfectly fine, I put my feelings away as best I could. But throughout the year and a half or so, we were EXTREMELY close. We kept talking about how eventually we should have a "what are we" conversation, which never happened, and later we agreed that if we HAD had that conversation we would've ended up Dating.

Then some complicated stuff happened that put a strain on our relationship, and we're in a Healing sorta phase. We are friends, and we're working on getting back to how things were.

But....they also just started Dating someone, O -- and they are absolutely poly, have acknowledged that they'd be happy to have some sorta cute thing with O and also with me -- but we're not there yet, we're not Dating. O is a friend of mine as well, and I do like them! But I'm starting to have a really rough time... L and O are in a Honeymoon phase; they are so ridiculously happy together and always acting cutesy and such. I'm happy for them, honestly! But it also keeps upsetting me, because it's like I've been replaced. I've been demoted from Extremely Special Person standing, it feels like -- in actions, and with no title of any sort to back it up. When I'm somewhere with O and L shows up, L goes right to O and cuddles up next to them and kisses them and such. I'm not ignored, but they're not so outwardly happy to see me or anything either. I hate that it upsets me, but it does. It's like...if they were treating O differently from me, all happy and Honeymoon-y, but I was also their Boyfriend, I wouldn't be upset. I would understand that they're in the Honeymoon phase, and we had that too, and we're over it. But that I'm still important. But I don't have even that.

They have expressed that I am still very important, and when we do spend time just the two of us they are kissy and cuddly and lovey with me too! But when O is around.... I get kinda pushed aside. But the thing is, I'm NOT their Boyfriend, so I don't think I have a place to say "hey, I'm jealous, can you please give me attention too?" -- especially because some of our Problems are around me dumping feelings on them too much, etc. I want to handle this by myself. But it's getting really difficult to hang out with L, because they often invite O along, and then I'm upset. And in general, when the two of them are in the same place, or when L ditches me to go hang out with O....I get really upset. But I don't want to!!! I'm so happy for them!!!! And L doesn't owe me anything!!!! But I can't seem to turn off my jealousy!!!! Help!!!!!!!!
 
Hi 896vr7,

I am thinking your best bet is to pull L aside at some point -- some point when it's just you and L, and O's not around -- and say to L that you would like to be their Boyfriend, and start dating them. What you do after that depends on their reaction.

Can you and O both be Boyfriends to L? Can both of you date L at the same time?

I would also point out that jealousy isn't necessarily your enemy ... Sometimes it's just Nature's way of calling to your attention that all is not right with the world. The first thing you want to do with a jealous feeling is explore it. Is it mostly a fear? a resentment? a want/need/desire? What thoughts tend to bubble up when you're feeling it? What triggers it? etc.

These are just some initial thoughts; continue posting and I'll try to think of some more input.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We could, in theory, both be dating L -- they have expressed interest in that to some degree, and I know that O is totally poly as well (at one point O wanted to date both L and myself, but I'm not into O). The issue with this is that, fairly recently (a week or two ago), L brought up "we should clarify if we're dating or not," and I was like "okay, what do you think?" and they said no. The thing is, they're still more stuck on the issues we previously had&are resolving than I am, so I'm kinda waiting for THEM to bring it up that they're feeling better about Us and are ready to date... I mean, most of their reasoning for the "no we're not dating" seemed to lean on their comment that "I think we're still in the healing/trust-building process." So... yeah. My issue is that I need to figure out how to handle myself and the situation UNTIL things are cleared up and they're more comfortable with the idea...even as I see them with this person who has sorta Replaced me. There keep being situations that had me like "okay, are they gonna say it now?" like things seem really good, we do really awesome communication, etc., and I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for them to be ready to date me. Maybe if things keep going really well and they don't bring it up in like a week, I'll risk it...... *sigh*
 
Seems pretty generic to me. You have a friend who you are interested in. They seem to want to be friends. They ask you what you think. Instead of telling them what you think, you ask them what they think.

Meanwhile, they start dating someone else. Now you are jealous.

If you want to date them then tell them so. Let the chips fall where they may.
 
You mentioned that you get upset because when you hang out with L, L will often invite O and then you get pushed aside. Or you will be hanging out with L and get ditched for O. Sounds to me like addressing those 2 issues will alleviate a large chunk of your problem.

Tell L that you'd like more 1 on 1 time. Or tell L that if you 2 make plans to hang out 1 on 1, you'd like to agree to the time frame as well to avoid feeling like you're being ditched for O at some point. Is L even aware that you feel like this is how you're being treated?
 
Hi 896vr7,

There does seem to be a need for you and L to have some more in-depth discussions, where both of you share your deepest feelings and fondest desires. But if you just want a way to manage/endure the jealousy without stirring the pot, one or more of these links may help:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Try that.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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