BDsm

The "asking in a seductive way" bit has me getting tripped up, though... I realized after responding to that bit that I don't even really know what "in a seductive way" would mean. Tone of voice? Actions while I'm asking? What does seductive sound like? What am I supposed to be doing?

I just had the thought that what's seductive varies depending on who you are interacting with also. While my dom seemed to find that sentence seductive, I think my husband would not.

Okey, I don't think I am great in flirting or anything either. I tend to be pretty shy with men. I told my current dom. But then there was a moment when I was stroking him and being nice, and then he asked me "Are YOU trying to tell me, that YOU don't know how to seduce a guy?" That is when I realized the problem was mostly in my head.
I agree with Hannahfluke that this is very individual. What do you do to show your affection and your desire that he likes? There most probably is something, else you wouldn't form a sexual relationship in the first place. There is probably much more that you can do if you dare to experiment. I am sure you can find your own way, wether it is a look, a nice voice, anything from "master, could you please..." to dirty talk, making him a cofffee or just touch. He might even like your shame, sometimes I just did something like cuddling up with him and whispering "you know, I am really shy to ask, but I would really like..." and I was surprised by his pleasure that I told him. Just go along with yourself, express your desire, see if he likes the way you did it and get mindful enough to use it deliberatelly if it is suitable on other occations. The point is not force him to have sex, the point is to help him get in the mood.

P.S. Reading about the guided imagery, I can totally see how that is pushing limits...
 
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I don't do anything to show desire. I just go along with what my partner seems to want. He (whichever he it is) acts; I react either positively or negatively. That's it.

Things with Woody turned sexual initially because he randomly asked me to stay the night a few weeks ago, and even then, he was so vague and unclear about his intentions that it wasn't until a couple of hours later, when he asked if he could undress me, that I actually understood he wanted to have sex with me. Nothing has really changed in the three weeks since. He acts, I react. We don't really talk about it. Our only actual *discussion* about anything sexual or kink-related was when I emailed him and then followed up in person about the issues I posted about here a week or so ago. And even then, it was difficult to get responses from him that I fully understood. I've told him I need things stated clearly and concretely in order to understand what's going on, and he doesn't seem capable of doing that.

The guided imagery is the only part of this that I feel *is* working, because even though I wasn't able to answer him about fantasies, I told him, I think the first time we met, some of the kinks I was interested in exploring. So he incorporated those from the beginning, and is attuned enough to my reactions and responses during the imagery to figure out what really gets me going and continue using it.

With almost all of my partners, I've mostly just reacted to their actions or to what they've said or asked. The only thing that's different between them and Woody is that the others were clear and concrete about their intentions.

On a related, but still off-topic note: I don't call Woody Master. Or Sir. Or anything. I don't know if he actually even is my Dom, because when he called me his sub and I asked if that meant he was my Dom, he said, "Well, you said you see me as dominant, so I guess so." Another example of how much of an effort it is to get anything approaching a clear, direct answer from him.

So yeah... long story short, I don't express desire. I express *nonsexual* affection by hugging or holding hands; I don't express *sexual* affection other than by reacting to what my partner's doing. With Woody specifically, given how unclear and unhelpful his answers to my questions have been thus far, I don't believe I can ask him for any guidance about this, or about his likes or dislikes, because I don't believe he'll give me a clear, useful answer.

And yes, I should talk to Woody about some of this regardless of--or maybe *because* of--my belief that he won't give me clear, useful answers, so in between typing and editing and re-editing this post, I called him and asked if we could get together for a little while this afternoon. Though given that he's spent this morning getting some of his late wife's belongings ready to donate, and has been doing some blogging-type stuff about her, he's in a pretty raw place emotionally and I might not want to bring some of this up today...
 
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On a related, but still off-topic note: I don't call Woody Master. Or Sir. Or anything. I don't know if he actually even is my Dom, because when he called me his sub and I asked if that meant he was my Dom, he said, "Well, you said you see me as dominant, so I guess so." Another example of how much of an effort it is to get anything approaching a clear, direct answer from him.

I usually don't call my dominant Master or anything either, I am not saying you should. Anyway, you did get an answer of some sorts - if you percieve him as dominant, he can be your/a/the dom. If you don't, he cannot. So the answer is yes, he has heard your perception and is on board.

The question, as always, is not just wether he/you are Dom/Sub to each other, but wether your expectations of such a relationship match. Which is something you will have to find out, but no hurry to do it now and in one talk. Actually I think you both are in the process of finding out and comparing needs and expectations, which is fine.

Good luck with the talking.
 
I was more thinking out loud about the Master/Sir/Dom thing; I understood that you were using that as an example in your post, not that it was a suggestion you were making. As for needs and expectations, my biggest is clear communication, and if that one doesn't start being met with Woody, the rest will be irrelevant.
 
The discussion with Woody went fairly well, and I was thankful for the conversation here about seductiveness, because I used "I've been in this conversation on the polyamory forum I belong to" as a springboard.

I wasn't fully able to express what I said here about not doing anything to show desire or to initiate sex, partly because words (I am far more adept in written communication than verbal) and partly because conversations with Woody always tend to wander all over the place (kinda like my posts here...), and I kept having to pull us back on track. But I was able to get across that I don't think I do anything seductive or anything to indicate my desire, and that I'm not altogether certain I *have* desires to indicate.

He asked me about what I do with Hubby, which was probably a bad idea since that led into me describing Hubby's behavior in the past that has contributed heavily to my issue with this in the present. Though on the other hand, Woody knowing that might not be a bad thing, since now he understands that it isn't only shyness or uncertainty that holds me back sometimes. He made a few suggestions, and asked if I could think of anything specific he could do to help with the situation. I said not really, since it's an issue within me, it's one I kind of have to work through myself, I just need him to be patient and understanding about it.

He likes that I tackle problems like this, identifying them and trying to solve them and pushing my own boundaries to do so instead of just ignoring the problem or deciding it can't be solved. He told me to remember that he has given me blanket consent to do or ask for anything I want, and at my request, he told me some of his hard limits because that will make it easier for me to ask or act now that I know what *not* to ask or do. But he also promised, when I said one of my fears is rejection, that he will never reject *me*, that worst-case scenario is he'll say "No, I'm not okay with that."

He said there are several kinks that he used to be really into, but circumstances and negative experiences killed off some of them. He said he's working on figuring out which ones he would like to restore and how to do so, and which ones need to be permanently off the table. I pointed out that what he's doing isn't much different from me working on conquering some of my PTSD triggers, and that's something I would be able to help with if he wants.

The Dom thing specifically, he said he identifies as "lower-case d dominant" and has been a "capital-D Dom" in the past but it's been a long time, and that because of something he experienced in the past, while he enjoys being Dominant, he sometimes has trouble reconciling his desire to fully respect his partner with having control over said partner. But he also recognizes that I am submissive and that I am fully able to see the difference between Dominance and disrespect, so he doesn't have any issue with me considering him my Dom, and he's willing to work with it. I made a couple of suggestions about how we might do that in a way that would make it easier for him.

Whether it will last is anyone's guess, but after our discussion yesterday when we had sex, I felt a lot more confident, and was able to take some action instead of just following his lead. So communication and problem-solving FTW.
 
Sounds like you are doing great KC43.
 
So proud of you for making the effort to have the conversation at all AND keeping on track with Woody.:)
 
Thanks :) I'm trying. Small steps.

I told Woody I'm glad he doesn't get annoyed when I "talk things to death", and he said he likes that I talk things through with him, because he's had partners who didn't really talk to him about anything, and that caused problems. He would rather have me overthink and overtalk than risk something going wrong because of a communication gap.
 
I also like the "lower case d dom" attitude. You definitelly deserve someone who is able to be dominant AND fully respect their partners, or at least keep the balance in the areas where it is hard to impossible to keep it up at the same time (question for everyone: are there such in bdsm? sure, containing the sadistic wishes to humiliate and control is hard. But impossible? in the consensual non-consent realm perhaps? The only other thing I can think about is pushing limits in areas where the sub has inner conflicts - either you respect the wish to stop or the wish to go on ;)).

Actually that is the one thing that really deserves a capital D, lol :D.
 
The difference between lower-case d and capital-D, as Woody, Hubby, and I all define it, isn't so much about respect as it is about actions. Woody and Hubby both have dominant personalities, but it's more of a "vibe" about them, for want of a better explanation, than anything they usually do or say. They know how to be in charge of things, keep things running smoothly, protect people, take care of those they love. Those are examples of the lower-case d.

Capital-D is the actual *acting as* a Dom. Accepting control of a sub. Giving commands. Etc. That's what Hubby felt "silly" about doing, because even though he's lower-case d dominant, he felt like he was just pretending to be a capital-D Dom to make me happy.

The capital-D thing is also what Woody's struggling a bit with, because being in control and giving commands that must be followed runs counter to his current impression of what being respectful means. Intellectually he does recognize that he wouldn't be disrespecting me or any other sub by being a Dom, and in the past he apparently had no problem with it at all, but things have changed for him so he's thinking of it differently than he used to.

To me, even a capital-D Dom...or maybe *especially*...respects his sub's boundaries, limits, safe word, etc. Humiliating or controlling the sub is something that should be discussed between Dom and sub beforehand; it isn't disrespectful, because it's something to which the sub has agreed, even if the actual words sound like disrespect.

Example: Hubby calls me a "dirty, slutty bitch" sometimes. Disrespectful *words*, not *real* disrespect, because I call myself the same thing and he knows when I'm in the right headspace, it turns me on to hear him call me that. If a man I wasn't sexually involved with called me those things, it would have an entirely different connotation, and *would* be disrespect. And as an example of where Woody's having some cognitive dissonance with the thing, I've told him that in a sexual situation I like being called a dirty slut because it's a turn-on, but he isn't able to call me that because even though he knows it's something I enjoy, and even though he knows he wouldn't be disrespecting me by saying it, to him it sounds and feels disrespectful.
 
Getting a collar

Oh my god.

I am getting a locking steal collar, one of those cute things https://www.wyredslave.com/component/virtuemart/collars/anya-collar-detail?Itemid=0 . I just learned it arrived. I feel a little overwhelmed with excitement but also fear and doubts now, so I came here to sort my thoughts and emotions a little.

We have been in a relationship for more then one and a half year now, and D/S is deffinitelly a huge part of it. In the early days I was brand new to bdsm. When my partner told me he would love to give me a locking steel collar to wear for prolonged periods of time, it was quite a shock :) (yet quite a turn on as well) Since I learned that I love collars, I love my leather one, I sometimes wear it home (though I hide it from my disapproving parents), and I would be very upset if I couln't get it for a scene.

Our relationship has been rather rocky because of polyamory (he has a live-in partner, and I seem to prefer monogamy after all), and partly the age difference (10 years). We had a crisis/near break up in September, but put it back together, because we felt that our lives are still very much enriched by each others presence. I wrote about that in the relationships corner while panicking. Since then the relationship has improved, I would say that our trust and communication has gone up another level compared to last year. (I wanted to write about that too, but then I somehow didn't.) We went to tantra and experienced some growth together. He has avoided some of the mistakes he made earlier in the relationship and reassured me of his compassion. I feel comfortable being his sub now.
Yet there would still be the underlying issue of uncertain future (mono/poly). Also, I might be going for a phd abroad, and end the relationship due to distance.

A collar means devotion. Giving in to what happens. As much I would love it to mean commitment to a (possibly life-)long relationship as well, for the above reason it cannot really. I resisted giving my consent to wearing the steel collar for quite some time, because I was too conflicted about the relationship, and also too ashamed to wear it in public (like school, or my parents house, friends are ok). Also somewhat concerned about other potential partners. Yet we decided to explore it's effects anyway. After all, even if I should find a monogamous/primary partner later with whom I want make more serious promises, maybe he doesn't want to play with collars, right? Still I would like it to be connected to some kind of change in the relationship.
For my partner it is gift to me, an expression of love and an expression of his willingness to keep me as his sub. There is of course an element of control too, and probably some sadism as well, as he will enjoy my psychological struggle as much as he enjoys physical pain. (I am more then okay with that as long as boundaries aren't crossed.) For me this will be an act of submission.

We'll be talking this evening to further clarify the meaning for us, and to set up some nice collaring ritual. I am looking forward to some kind of ritual, probably a private ceremony&scene, very much, though I struggle to imagine the exact setting, mostly the words we might say to state the meaning of this. I want it to be something to remember.

No question, but any comments are welcome.
 
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How exciting! It sounds like, although you and your partner have had some ups and downs, you've worked things through.

Woody and I found out this morning, on Fet so I'm not giving any private info, that Highlight collared Lips over the weekend.

I'm trying to understand all the different dynamics...being a sub, as I am to Woody, vs. being owned, as Lips is by Highlight...and how collars play into it all...Iim just kinda thinking out loud here, but now I want to learn all the things...
 
So, it has gotten even more interesting.
I saw the collar yesterday. It is beautiful. I thought I would need more exceptions, as to not wearing it for my final exams, for occasions where there is dress code etc., but I really like it and I will not need that.

He came with quite a clear vision of meaning. He want's my submissiveness to be his. He wants me to ask first, if I am going to share it with anyone else. (I know he's going to be reasonable with this, it is more of a statement of status quo anyways.). He doesn't want to take the collar off at all if possible. He wants me to completely give in to the idea that I surrender my submissivness to him and he is the only one with the right to release me from the collar, which I wanted anyway, but presumably for the duration of the relationship. He want's more, he wants to ensure I wear it during any crisis, so if I want to leave I can ask for release, but he may not grant it. He doesn't equate it with holding me in the relationship though (I find it difficult to wrap my head around that), he says I may leave at any time (and share myself with other people), but then I will still be having the collar for some more time. Should I have another/second partner, he would rather hand the keys over to him that releasing me. Essentially I should go with my trust and devotion and not take back my consent to wear the collar. He says this makes it possible to submit completely, and I agree.
The agreements are not unchangeable, it's not like we sign in blood :), but still this is the agreement.

This is big, bigger than I thought. I asked for more time to consider, however I wrote all my concerns in a few e-mails, and I think I have sorted this out. The worst-case scenario "he keeps me locked in even when I am trying hard to get away from him"... oh well, I know already I would have to have a huge reason to leave him. I think I can manage.

I want to submit here. It makes things easier. I want to hand over the power with no exceptions. I want to minimize the doubts. Actually I have already consented :)

I'm trying to understand all the different dynamics...being a sub, as I am to Woody, vs. being owned, as Lips is by Highlight...and how collars play into it all...I'm just kinda thinking out loud here, but now I want to learn all the things...
Thank you for your comment, I feel kind of ... less alone :)
I believe everyone has a different dynamics, I think of our dynamics as our own, though there is sure something like "mainstream culture" in bdsm. It is exciting to attach meaning to things.
 
How exciting! It sounds like, although you and your partner have had some ups and downs, you've worked things through.

Woody and I found out this morning, on Fet so I'm not giving any private info, that Highlight collared Lips over the weekend.

I'm trying to understand all the different dynamics...being a sub, as I am to Woody, vs. being owned, as Lips is by Highlight...and how collars play into it all...Iim just kinda thinking out loud here, but now I want to learn all the things...

KC, there's a group on Fetlife called Submissive Women that I joined after Sam asked to change our FWB relationship to D/s last summer, because the whole thing is new to me (it still feels new, even though we changed the dynamic in July). Even if you don't join the group, it has a very comprehensive FAQ section with threads about all types of things that newbies are likely to struggle with.
 
I was replying to another post on this thread and thought I'd give an update on me and Sam, since I had asked for help here with titles last year. Turns out that the title thing is now a mute point because his primary asked that he only use titles in their relationship because she felt like it was devaluing what they share (she's mostly mono and struggles with him dating at all). Since I had struggled so much in the beginning with finding a title I felt comfortable with (and titles in general, really), I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Turns out I was wrong, I'm finding it hard to not use his title, especially when a "yes, Master" would be short hand for "I hear what you are saying, I understand it, and will strive to remember it and incorporate it in my interactions with you." But I'm still sticking with it because it's important to her and she's important to him.

Other than that little hiccup, everything is going well. The dynamic has deepened our relationship immensely. We both feel more strongly, which I knew would happen on my side but wasn't expecting on his. That part is very wonderful and I'm glad it happened.
 
Hannah, thanks, I'll try to find that group. (I'm not great at locating things on Fet... I know things exist, I just can't always find them.)

And I guess I haven't updated anything lately here either, so my turn. LOL

Although Woody had referred to me as his sub once or twice, there didn't seem to be anything really heading in that direction, so after a few weeks of wondering what was actually going on, I asked, and reminded him that we had talked about it before. Somewhere along the line, while he remembered that at one time Hubby tried to be my Dom and wasn't comfortable with it, Woody had apparently forgotten that I'd told him Hubby was okay with someone else being my Dom. He said he hadn't done anything more toward that with me because he didn't want to step on Hubby's toes.

I clarified for him that Hubby had refused to attempt dominating me anymore and had said he was cool with me finding another Dom if that was what I wanted, so there wouldn't be any toe-stepping going on. Woody asked if I was sure I wanted to be his sub, and I said yes, so he said, "Then that's what you are." Since the conversation happened late at night, I asked if we could follow up the next morning by establishing what each of us meant by saying we're Dom and sub.

Instead of that happening the way I'd envisioned, the next morning while we were having sex, he did what I can only describe as a claiming ritual (hard to explain, made sense in context and still makes sense to me; basic story is he's a Witch and utilizes that in a lot of areas of his life), which included his statement of what he means when he says he's my Dom and what he wants from me as his sub, and gave me the opportunity to accept or refuse. Since it included everything I would have asked for if we'd had the discussion I'd thought we were going to have, I accepted.

So now I'm one of two subs he has; the other is his long-distance girlfriend. I'm his only in-person sub. He's fairly proud of that, it seems; he's told everyone to whom he's open about being into D/s, including a few women who were his subs in the past but ended that aspect of their connections. (He tends to stay platonic friends with nearly every partner he has, whether romantic, D/s, or both; he's only completely cut ties with two by his choice.)

There weren't really a whole lot of changes in our dynamic, though, other than the beginnings of his introducing some impact and other mild pain play (stuff that I'd already told him I was either into or wanted to try). Because of what I mentioned back in November about dominance just kind of being something he *is* rather than something he *does*, I was behaving in a submissive way toward him half the time anyhow. He's more inclined now to phrase things as orders rather than requests ("Look in the mirror" rather than "Would you look at yourself in the mirror?" for example). It's something that's always present in our interactions; as I've said, and he agrees, I am *always* his sub, and he is *always* my Dom, just like I'm always his girlfriend and he's always my boyfriend. We just don't always do things that are, or at least things that are overtly, D/s.

On the other hand, there are parts of the dynamic that we exercise in front of others because they aren't overt. For example, when I spend the night, the following morning I usually fix his first cup of coffee for him. If he's working and needs something, he'll tell me to get it instead of getting up and getting it himself. When we're walking in public, he has me put my arm through his. These are all things we both recognize as me submitting to him, and him asserting that he's my Dom, but no one else would recognize as such.

He's been using what I jokingly called--and got my nipples pinched for calling--his "Domly Powers of Domness" (i.e. the guided imagery thing he does, as well as some rituals) to help me address some of the shit from my past that keeps coming up and to help build my confidence and self-esteem, sometimes in ways that push my comfort zones further than I'm, well, comfortable with, but never beyond what I've agreed to. And I always have the option to say "I can't do that."

I don't have a title for him; he said he'll know what to have me call him when the time is right. For the moment I call him my Lion, but that's more of a pet name than a Dom title.
 
I started getting into the local BDSM community here around the same timeframe last year as the poly stuff was coming together for me. I really love the events and the people. I'm thankful that the community here is so good.

I'm glad I kept the "evolving" thing on Fet though...because just when I think I've got some idea what I need and where I stand, yeah, no, it's a little different than that. Being actually submissive to someone...either I can't really do that right now, or it's not really who I am. I'm not sure. I am certain however that I'm a bottom and a masochist, but I CAN service top or do a sadistic thing if it's asked of me, on occasion.

So I had my poly group and they were great (a kinky man and a pair of sensualists)...but none of them were naturally very sadistic. As in, comfortable giving me the levels of pain I needed and capable of relishing the experience because they needed something from the other side of the equation. I kept my options open, until a relationship formed with a man who had been topping me at parties. Now, my circle is complete. :) Labels and titles haven't really settled into place, but no one is terribly troubled by it.
 
Hannah, thanks, I'll try to find that group. (I'm not great at locating things on Fet... I know things exist, I just can't always find them.)

And I guess I haven't updated anything lately here either, so my turn. LOL

Although Woody had referred to me as his sub once or twice, there didn't seem to be anything really heading in that direction, so after a few weeks of wondering what was actually going on, I asked, and reminded him that we had talked about it before. Somewhere along the line, while he remembered that at one time Hubby tried to be my Dom and wasn't comfortable with it, Woody had apparently forgotten that I'd told him Hubby was okay with someone else being my Dom. He said he hadn't done anything more toward that with me because he didn't want to step on Hubby's toes.

I clarified for him that Hubby had refused to attempt dominating me anymore and had said he was cool with me finding another Dom if that was what I wanted, so there wouldn't be any toe-stepping going on. Woody asked if I was sure I wanted to be his sub, and I said yes, so he said, "Then that's what you are." Since the conversation happened late at night, I asked if we could follow up the next morning by establishing what each of us meant by saying we're Dom and sub.

Instead of that happening the way I'd envisioned, the next morning while we were having sex, he did what I can only describe as a claiming ritual (hard to explain, made sense in context and still makes sense to me; basic story is he's a Witch and utilizes that in a lot of areas of his life), which included his statement of what he means when he says he's my Dom and what he wants from me as his sub, and gave me the opportunity to accept or refuse. Since it included everything I would have asked for if we'd had the discussion I'd thought we were going to have, I accepted.

So now I'm one of two subs he has; the other is his long-distance girlfriend. I'm his only in-person sub. He's fairly proud of that, it seems; he's told everyone to whom he's open about being into D/s, including a few women who were his subs in the past but ended that aspect of their connections. (He tends to stay platonic friends with nearly every partner he has, whether romantic, D/s, or both; he's only completely cut ties with two by his choice.)

There weren't really a whole lot of changes in our dynamic, though, other than the beginnings of his introducing some impact and other mild pain play (stuff that I'd already told him I was either into or wanted to try). Because of what I mentioned back in November about dominance just kind of being something he *is* rather than something he *does*, I was behaving in a submissive way toward him half the time anyhow. He's more inclined now to phrase things as orders rather than requests ("Look in the mirror" rather than "Would you look at yourself in the mirror?" for example). It's something that's always present in our interactions; as I've said, and he agrees, I am *always* his sub, and he is *always* my Dom, just like I'm always his girlfriend and he's always my boyfriend. We just don't always do things that are, or at least things that are overtly, D/s.

On the other hand, there are parts of the dynamic that we exercise in front of others because they aren't overt. For example, when I spend the night, the following morning I usually fix his first cup of coffee for him. If he's working and needs something, he'll tell me to get it instead of getting up and getting it himself. When we're walking in public, he has me put my arm through his. These are all things we both recognize as me submitting to him, and him asserting that he's my Dom, but no one else would recognize as such.

He's been using what I jokingly called--and got my nipples pinched for calling--his "Domly Powers of Domness" (i.e. the guided imagery thing he does, as well as some rituals) to help me address some of the shit from my past that keeps coming up and to help build my confidence and self-esteem, sometimes in ways that push my comfort zones further than I'm, well, comfortable with, but never beyond what I've agreed to. And I always have the option to say "I can't do that."

I don't have a title for him; he said he'll know what to have me call him when the time is right. For the moment I call him my Lion, but that's more of a pet name than a Dom title.

I think if you look me up on Fet (same username), it should list what groups I'm part of. I'm talking about the submissive women group, not submissive women being supportive, since I'm part of both groups.
 
So I got my collar

So we got together yesterday evening. We were kind of tired, so there was no room for a boundary-pushing scene, but we were both looking forward to it and nervous, so we decided not to wait with collaring (it would have to be a week or more).

It feels good, and it is easy to wear, we got the size right.. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, when I think about how I cannot get out for a indefinite period of time. But it really reminds itself nicely most time. My friend said I am shining :)
 
Congrats on the collar!!

I have my weekly night with my Sadist tonight. We've been talking since I went to a humiliation class and had my reflections and thoughts on the subject, about pushing back on a mental boundary issue I have. Not a hard limit, but just a psychological block...

I have a very hard time talking (verbally) about sex, especially my own fantasies and interests. The more explicit I want to be about it, the more I freeze. Or else dance around with euphamisms and innuendo. I know that a big part of that was the sex-negative attitude of my husband of 18 years. I locked myself down pretty hard, but I want very badly to break my mental bonds in this regard. In many ways, I have...in some, still need progress. This is one of the latter.

This man, my Zen Sadist, wants to please me, and I feel that I can trust him and be vulnerable to him, which is emotionally what happens if I contemplate speaking of such things, a feeling of vulnerability, and a terrible self-consciousness. Anyhow we have talked about this difficulty I have and we are going to work on it tonight.
 
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