Birth Control and Polyfidelity

Bluebird

Well-known member
My boyfriend M and I have not been able to have penetrative sex yet, since we are still awaiting his STD test results. He should be good to go soon, so we are having an overnight on Friday. (Yay! Can't wait.) We have had a lot of discussions surrounding birth control, and I am still wondering if we are leaving out any options.

Some background:

I had a lot of bad issues with hormone-based BC pills as a teenager. My ex and I used condoms until we were trying to conceive, at which point we discovered I had a short luteal phase and would need meds to support early pregnancy, and that he was actually completely sterile due to a genetic disorder. So, we stopped all condom use at that point.

With my husband, we tried to conceive early in our relationship, failed at that, and testing showed he was fine. Apparently something else is blocking a baby, because we've used no protection for 8 years. My short luteal phase came up again, but I hadn't ever been pregnant for it to be an issue.

So, in with M. He currently uses no protection with his wife, because she is unable to have any more children. He has said he is willing to use condoms with me, but he has a very difficult time maintaining an erection. So, condoms could get expensive.

I have an appointment for an IUD consult next week, but that apparently can take a month to schedule to have put in.

We are going to see how things go with condoms, but I am not optimistic, given M's past issues.

My question is, since I am loathe to take any type of hormone based BC, what other types of BC should we be looking at? Is there something else I could use, easily & quickly, in the time before I get the IUD?

I am also interested in hearing about condom use with guys that have difficulties. This is new to me! Any ideas how to better manage this?

We have discussed using the withdrawal method, which in our case may be the way to go, since he has difficulty achieving orgasm anyway, and in most cases wouldn't be inside me when finishing. Combining that with my Pre-existing fertility issues, I don't feel like it'd be a huge risk, but it still makes me uncomfortable. A baby at my age (almost 36) is NOT what I want at all.

Right now my husband is mono, and M's wife is not expanding any of her relationships, so I feel safe going without any STD protection. M's wife may add new partners in the future - only M practicess polyfi - so at that point, I may have to go back to condoms anyway, to maintain that barrier. At the moment it isn't an issue.

Thanks for any information!
 
well, it sounds like you are going to have to go the condom route until the IUD is in place if the many worry is pregnancy, sounds like you have no STD's worries with this set up.

SO..some condom advice. Like you, I cant use hormone BC, so i have to use condoms with both guys. main suggestion, use lube inside and outside the condom....otherwise im not sure what to tell ya :) Spermacide?
FYI, spouse and i used withrdrawal for 8 years with no unplanned pregnancies (3 planned ones) and we concieve VERY easily. but that is something on all of your comfort levels
 
Mirena IUD

I have an appointment for an IUD consult next week, but that apparently can take a month to schedule to have put in.

I'm not sure why it would take a month to have an IUD put in. Unless it's insurance approval.

I had my annual and std tests on July 29th. I could have had the IUD put in that day (insurance immediately approved, I had been on the mini-bc pill [I still breastfeed so no regular pill but it was causing me to have cycles every two weeks] and didn't want to quit nursing so the regular bc pill was out of the question) but the doc and I decided to wait until my tests came back in case of any infections. I had my IUD put in on 8/13 (would have been sooner but doc was on vacation the week before) and the only requirement was not to have intercourse 48 hours prior (so I didn't get pregnant but that was a mute point since I was on the pill) and none for 7 days after (when it takes effect and also to prevent infections). My IUD is the Mirena. It's good for 5 years.

I would call around and see if another gyn could get you in sooner or go to your local Planned Parenthood (that is if you are in the U.S.).

I have no recommendation on what else to use besides condoms. If you do use them, the purple package ones have worked great for me with other partners. Here is the one's I use: http://www.trojancondoms.com/Product/her-pleasure-lubricated-condoms.aspx
 
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A box of 40 lifestyles is Like $12, thats what we use. I got pg with dd1 doing charting and I got pg with dd2 doing withdraw. I think to be safe you really should condoms, he will get use to them..

Do you know if they will let you get an iud? I've always been told they won't let you have one until you've already had a baby.
 
I have no recommendation on what else to use besides condoms. If you do use them, the purple package ones have worked great for me with other partners.

good point in reccomending kinds, i like lifestyles ultra sensative, latex if you arent allergic to it.
 
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I am not looking to get Mirena or any one with hormones, just the copper IUD. My oldest daughter got one when she was 16, so I know it can be given to someone who hasn't had a baby. :)

Er, yeah, I have kids that I adopted. So, I am a momma but no pregnancies, in case that looks questionable, lol.

They told me 4-6 weeks to order the IUD? They didn't say anything about insurance. I am ok if ours won't cover it though, we have a flex account that is still flush and it has to be used by the end of the year anyway. It does seem sort of surreal to be putting in an IUD to prevent a baby when we had tried for so long. Oh well - I definitely don't want one now, for sure.

I don't think it is a question of him being used to condoms or not, just that he has difficulties already and I can't see how adding a barrier will help. :/ frustrating. He has talked about Levitra, maybe he will talk to his doctor about that on Wednesday!
 
They told me 4-6 weeks to order the IUD? They didn't say anything about insurance.

That just seems like a long time for the whole process for an iud. Can you see if another gyn has it in stock? Then you don't have to wait.
 
This is the only one that takes my insurance. :/ I will keep my fingers crossed. Let's just hope that I don't have to keep my legs the same way in the meantime! :D
 
This is the only one that takes my insurance. :/ I will keep my fingers crossed. Let's just hope that I don't have to keep my legs the same way in the meantime! :D

lol. what about spermacide or the female condom? (i dotn know much about either) OR...you know..dont have um....sex that can get you pregnant...their are otehr options. lol
 
Other options

I've used the sponge. You can get them from a planned parenthood. Not sure where to buy.

I've also used the VCF, Vaginal Contraceptive Film, you can buy these at some drugstores and get them from planned parenthood.

These both have N-9 which can cause irritation. I had a partner who felt burning after.

But it was effective in me not getting pregnant along with using withdrawal.
 
W00t! He asked for Levitra and got a prescription without me even bringing it up. Awesomesauce. I have a few different types/brands of condoms so we can see which we like best before buying in bulk. :)

All set now for Friday - his tests were all negative!

Thanks for the suggestions.
 
I don't recommend the copper IUD, just FYI. I had one in for over a year and had such intense heavy bleeding and long periods that I thought I'd lose my mind. I'm talking 10-14 day periods on a 30 day cycle. It ruined my sex life, I was constantly tired from the bleeding, and just miserable.

I have a Mirena in now and I spot lightly for maybe 3 days? My cycles are shorter, averaging 27 days, but some months I don't even bleed enough for more than a pantyliner.
 
Iud

Just a little advice because I work at Planned Parenthood. If you want something faster you can do the depo shot, which if you go to PP as long as they're aren't a lot of patient scheduled appointments you can get right in. You do have to get it every three months, but its a way to protect yourself from pregnancy and if you ever want to try to get pregnant again you just have to stop getting the shot. You can also go through PP's LARC program to get an IUD. The longest someone has had to wait after their consult is tops two weeks. The only downside is that you do have to schedule an appointment to get it removed to try to get pregnant. Just to put ideas out there.
 
Yeah, depo and Mirena both involve mucking with my hormones, and I am extremely very hesitant in going that route at all. Thanks for the input though.
 
I've heard such terrible things about the Depo shot. Just google Depo Provera horror stories! Yikes! Massive weight gain, loss of sex drive, pain during sex, osteoporosis and loss of teeth, migraines, depression, PCOS, high cholesterol, 2 week or longer periods, extremely heavy and painful periods, fatigue, weakness, dizziness, rage, blurred vision, suicidal thoughts or attempts, hair loss on head, hair growth on face, arms and legs, diabetes, blood clots, numbness in extremities, severe acne, growth of moles and skin tags, brown discoloration on face and neck, milk production when not pregnant, infertility after stopping shots.

This is just what you want when starting a new relationship. NOT.
 
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Meh, you here that about sugar pills too. I'm not saying that it doesn't give any side effects, it does, not all of those, maybe a few for each person and things that are really dangerous like blood clots are very rare in people who do not have additional risk factors and quite rare in those that do . Preferable to pregnancy for me anywho.

I've taken it since I was about 14. Before I had my son seven years ago, it gave me no side effects at all and I also don't have periods. Since I have had my son, I have noticed it gives me some mild weight gain.
 
While copper IUDs can indeed make your periods heavier and longer, they're a really good option for someone who wants a non-hormonal birth control, because they're in place once and for all for 5 or 10 years depending on the model, and you don't have to remember birth control anymore and you don't risk running out of it or needing to go out to get some before you can come back to your partner and have sex.

Also, while the periods getting heavier is a very common side-effect, it doesn't always happen. I'm one of the exceptions: my periods used to be really heavy before I switched to the IUD, and as a result people really recommended not to use it. But I wanted something without hormones because they had a bad effect on my health and I figured I'd deal with the heavier periods.
Turns out my periods stayed the same level of heaviness for the first 6 months to a year, and ever since they've been reduced. Now there are only about 4 days of real period (with some spotting a day or to before and after, but regular panty liners that I'm using anyways take care of that) and I'm on my 6th year out of 10.

It does help that I use a menstrual cup though. As heavy as my flow is, I just need to empty the cup whenever I use the bathroom and I don't need to carry extra tampons or pads or anything to switch them when they're full. That does make it more practical when you have a heavier than average flow (and though mine is reduced now, it's still heavier than average).
 
Hmm, that is good to know. Right now my periods are 4 days long - spot, average, average, spot. To add a couple days wouldn't be terrible, but I don't relish the idea either.

Does anyone use diaphragms?
 
Hmm, that is good to know. Right now my periods are 4 days long - spot, average, average, spot. To add a couple days wouldn't be terrible, but I don't relish the idea either.

Does anyone use diaphragms?

I have not used them but do know about them.
Filling them with spermicide is highly recommended to increase their efficiency, as they aren't the most efficient thing ever. I actually haven't heard of people using diaphragms without spermicides.
You can put one in place before you have sex, but if you don't have sex without 6 hours, you need to put more spermicide in. Then you need to wait 6 hours after intercourse before you can remove it, but you can't leave it in for more that 24 hours in a row.
You can have sex more than once without replacing it, but then you should put more spermicide as deep as possible in your vagina (not inside the diaphragm if you've already had intercourse in the past 6 hours, as it can't be removed at that point).

I think that it wouldn't work very well for me, but it can work great for some people, so it's worth looking into if you're interested in it.
 
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