Since this thread is about truth, I'll start by confessing that, had it not been for anamikanon, I would not have been here, or or any internet forum, seeking help. Again, this is not so much about poly as it is about my personal inner conflicts, set against the background of my relationship with anamikanon.
Some Background
I am by nature someone who goes out of the way to avoid confrontation, both in personal life and professional life, as I mentioned in my response to anamikanon's thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88607). This has often meant playing fast and loose with the truth, even outright lying if that helps avoid conflict. My "justification" has been that this helps keep things moving, maintains an appearance that everything's in order. I have not cared for how this affects people around me, although I do have some awareness of a few people choosing not to trust me altogether, or being selective in how they interact with me. I have actively seen this as a fair compromise, without doing anything to address it one way or another.
Spexy and Anamikanon
Anamikanon and I began our relationship two and half years ago - we were previously acquainted through social media, progressing to private chats. About two years ago, I started at my current job, which allows some flexibility in terms of timings and working from home. In the time since, I have tried to plan a schedule for visiting Anamikanon, but it went haywire given the personal situation in her family. It got to a point where I was flying in and out four times within 30 days. More than the financial impact, I was mentally in a funk about not having any control over my time whatsoever. It was also a tough time juggling work which meant working nights, being generally sleep deprived, and with all the travel, living with a growing numbness.
This hardly made me someone dependable when I visited anamikanon; far from being able to help with taking care of the kid or other things in the house I was on a mental backfoot responding only to specific instructions. With anamikanon herself struggling during this period and generally wanting a break, my behaving like I was on some sort of vacation only led to bitterness and arguments between us.
Spexy and MB
In this time, however, many of the people I met on a regular basis knew of this shuttling back and forth and were highly appreciative. Among these was Ms Bookworm (MB for short). She was a fellow member of a reading club I had started attending to try and widen my reading selection - we ran into each other at a couple of other cultural events as well. The more significant was the day I flew out to be with anamikanon during her son's surgery. I had my first non-book club conversation with her, telling her about my impending trip as a way of explaining via I was running around carrying a travel bag.
Subsequently we discovered we lived fairly close by, which made it highly convenient to meet up for events of mutual interest, or even casually. This was, initially, a source of great relief as I practically had MB "on tap" to use that phrase. A short call or a few WhatsApp messages were sufficient to set up a meeting - purely platonic at this stage. She spoke highly of my commitment to anamikanon and her family, and generally seemed to be greatly appreciative of how I was dealing with life at that point. It felt _good_ and I began to enjoy her company and actively sought opportunities.
Did I think I was getting into a relationship with her, at the cost of or as an alternative to my relationship with anamikanon? No, I did not. In part because I have had good, long friendships with other women in the past without either party wanting anything more - often explicitly discussed. Then again, none of my conversations with MB had much detail about her own life, apart from where she worked and what sort of interactions she had had in the past few years. Suffice to say she was fairly well-connected in some of the posher social circles in the city - something that would be relevant later.
Interlude: Pedestalization
Here I should also mention my issue with "pedestalization". I tend to be in awe of public figures - people who are achievers in some sense of the word. As an poet and aspiring novelist, many writers figure on this list. MB was a poet herself, and in the events she invited me to attend, there were often writers of whom I was in some awe. I had had the same issue when I first met anamikanon, but in our conversations she made a point of getting me to move past that. I wasn't exactly in awe of MB herself because of the circles she moved in, but I did keep me interested.
End of Interlude
In a few short months, I was WhatsApping MB for long hours every day, exchanging phone calls when feasible - even when visiting anamikanon. I was already experiencing NRE without even acknowledging I was in a relationship. In my head, such acknowledgement required an explicitly expressed statement of interest from MB and me, which had not exactly been conveyed. But that was one short step - one night I returned home, and next evening I was at MB's place listening to her pour her heart out. She said she respected what anamikanon and I had, but given what she and I shared, was willing to try an "open relationship" despite her past experiences. (I'm looking through e-mails to be accurate here, and realize this was almost exactly 1 year ago.)
The Bullshitting aka The Great Brainfreeze
Even at this point, I did not know what those "past experiences" were, but I let that glide, excited by the prospect of what was happening. I promised I would talk to anamikanon, adding that I felt anamikanon would not oppose the open relationship, and would introduce them to each other at the earliest.
I was chatting constantly with anamikanon those days, and while I told her I was going on a date with MB, the report I gave on that "date" was not spontaneously offered -she had to ask, and it was not entirely truthful. Worse, I made it sound like I was being a friendly comforting presence in MB's life rather than someone who'd just promised her an open relationship. Anamikanon saw through the bullshitting straight away, which did not fit in with the nice "I'll breeze through this" plan I was cooking up in my head. So I went off the other end and suggested to her that when she came visiting later that month we could discuss and end our relationship, making arrangements for her son. I also told her I would not continue what was going on with MB, but that was not meant sincerely.
The next morning, one exchange of e-mails and further chatting later, I was telling anamikanon that I would no longer bullshit her - while still lying about what transpired between MB and me. I did not mention to her that we had kissed and groped and it was only the lack of contraceptives that stopped us from having sex. (Looking back at our chats from this time, I realize anamikanon was dead-on accurate about how this might play out and gave me solid advice, which I entirely ignored.) So while anamikanon believed I was going to draw a firm line with MB, I planned a sleep-over at MB's knowing that we would probably have sex. We met, went out for dinner, came back to her place armed with condoms, and had sex in an adolescent sort of way. I left from her place early the next morning.
At some point that night I got up, checked my phone, saw a bunch of messages from anamikanon, ignored them, and told her next morning I hadn't seen them at all which was plain stupid because Hangouts does indicate until how recently messages have been read. I then spent another day of chatting with anamikanon telling her what had happened and trying to patch up. She had, needless to say, figured what had going on, and was hurt by my "shutting the door" in her face. We had been chatting about her upcoming visit, plans around it, and then I just vanished for the night while leaving electronic traces of how I was ignoring her.
Pausing here because this is approximately the point I started thinking "relationships - plural!" and going "oh shit, what???" Letting the overwhelm from reading all the chats settle before getting on with the writing...
Some Background
I am by nature someone who goes out of the way to avoid confrontation, both in personal life and professional life, as I mentioned in my response to anamikanon's thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88607). This has often meant playing fast and loose with the truth, even outright lying if that helps avoid conflict. My "justification" has been that this helps keep things moving, maintains an appearance that everything's in order. I have not cared for how this affects people around me, although I do have some awareness of a few people choosing not to trust me altogether, or being selective in how they interact with me. I have actively seen this as a fair compromise, without doing anything to address it one way or another.
Spexy and Anamikanon
Anamikanon and I began our relationship two and half years ago - we were previously acquainted through social media, progressing to private chats. About two years ago, I started at my current job, which allows some flexibility in terms of timings and working from home. In the time since, I have tried to plan a schedule for visiting Anamikanon, but it went haywire given the personal situation in her family. It got to a point where I was flying in and out four times within 30 days. More than the financial impact, I was mentally in a funk about not having any control over my time whatsoever. It was also a tough time juggling work which meant working nights, being generally sleep deprived, and with all the travel, living with a growing numbness.
This hardly made me someone dependable when I visited anamikanon; far from being able to help with taking care of the kid or other things in the house I was on a mental backfoot responding only to specific instructions. With anamikanon herself struggling during this period and generally wanting a break, my behaving like I was on some sort of vacation only led to bitterness and arguments between us.
Spexy and MB
In this time, however, many of the people I met on a regular basis knew of this shuttling back and forth and were highly appreciative. Among these was Ms Bookworm (MB for short). She was a fellow member of a reading club I had started attending to try and widen my reading selection - we ran into each other at a couple of other cultural events as well. The more significant was the day I flew out to be with anamikanon during her son's surgery. I had my first non-book club conversation with her, telling her about my impending trip as a way of explaining via I was running around carrying a travel bag.
Subsequently we discovered we lived fairly close by, which made it highly convenient to meet up for events of mutual interest, or even casually. This was, initially, a source of great relief as I practically had MB "on tap" to use that phrase. A short call or a few WhatsApp messages were sufficient to set up a meeting - purely platonic at this stage. She spoke highly of my commitment to anamikanon and her family, and generally seemed to be greatly appreciative of how I was dealing with life at that point. It felt _good_ and I began to enjoy her company and actively sought opportunities.
Did I think I was getting into a relationship with her, at the cost of or as an alternative to my relationship with anamikanon? No, I did not. In part because I have had good, long friendships with other women in the past without either party wanting anything more - often explicitly discussed. Then again, none of my conversations with MB had much detail about her own life, apart from where she worked and what sort of interactions she had had in the past few years. Suffice to say she was fairly well-connected in some of the posher social circles in the city - something that would be relevant later.
Interlude: Pedestalization
Here I should also mention my issue with "pedestalization". I tend to be in awe of public figures - people who are achievers in some sense of the word. As an poet and aspiring novelist, many writers figure on this list. MB was a poet herself, and in the events she invited me to attend, there were often writers of whom I was in some awe. I had had the same issue when I first met anamikanon, but in our conversations she made a point of getting me to move past that. I wasn't exactly in awe of MB herself because of the circles she moved in, but I did keep me interested.
End of Interlude
In a few short months, I was WhatsApping MB for long hours every day, exchanging phone calls when feasible - even when visiting anamikanon. I was already experiencing NRE without even acknowledging I was in a relationship. In my head, such acknowledgement required an explicitly expressed statement of interest from MB and me, which had not exactly been conveyed. But that was one short step - one night I returned home, and next evening I was at MB's place listening to her pour her heart out. She said she respected what anamikanon and I had, but given what she and I shared, was willing to try an "open relationship" despite her past experiences. (I'm looking through e-mails to be accurate here, and realize this was almost exactly 1 year ago.)
The Bullshitting aka The Great Brainfreeze
Even at this point, I did not know what those "past experiences" were, but I let that glide, excited by the prospect of what was happening. I promised I would talk to anamikanon, adding that I felt anamikanon would not oppose the open relationship, and would introduce them to each other at the earliest.
I was chatting constantly with anamikanon those days, and while I told her I was going on a date with MB, the report I gave on that "date" was not spontaneously offered -she had to ask, and it was not entirely truthful. Worse, I made it sound like I was being a friendly comforting presence in MB's life rather than someone who'd just promised her an open relationship. Anamikanon saw through the bullshitting straight away, which did not fit in with the nice "I'll breeze through this" plan I was cooking up in my head. So I went off the other end and suggested to her that when she came visiting later that month we could discuss and end our relationship, making arrangements for her son. I also told her I would not continue what was going on with MB, but that was not meant sincerely.
The next morning, one exchange of e-mails and further chatting later, I was telling anamikanon that I would no longer bullshit her - while still lying about what transpired between MB and me. I did not mention to her that we had kissed and groped and it was only the lack of contraceptives that stopped us from having sex. (Looking back at our chats from this time, I realize anamikanon was dead-on accurate about how this might play out and gave me solid advice, which I entirely ignored.) So while anamikanon believed I was going to draw a firm line with MB, I planned a sleep-over at MB's knowing that we would probably have sex. We met, went out for dinner, came back to her place armed with condoms, and had sex in an adolescent sort of way. I left from her place early the next morning.
At some point that night I got up, checked my phone, saw a bunch of messages from anamikanon, ignored them, and told her next morning I hadn't seen them at all which was plain stupid because Hangouts does indicate until how recently messages have been read. I then spent another day of chatting with anamikanon telling her what had happened and trying to patch up. She had, needless to say, figured what had going on, and was hurt by my "shutting the door" in her face. We had been chatting about her upcoming visit, plans around it, and then I just vanished for the night while leaving electronic traces of how I was ignoring her.
Pausing here because this is approximately the point I started thinking "relationships - plural!" and going "oh shit, what???" Letting the overwhelm from reading all the chats settle before getting on with the writing...