Why always the 'do you sleep in the same bed' question?

Danae

New member
Hello fellow forum members!

So here's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately: why are people so fascinated by the sex-related issues as soon as they find out you have a non-normative relationship?

I live together with my husband and wife, we have kids and have been together for many years (and seriously, we are nothing exciting, just quite a normal family, we just happen to be with three parents instead of two). And still, when people meet us for the first time, they seem to be most fascinated with the question if we sleep in the same bed. Why is that? Is it just that people have so limited experience with relationships that involve something different than one man and one woman? That it becomes something exciting or disgusting? Is our society that prudish?

I'm really curious about this, since it would never cross my mind to ask a heterosexual couple the same question.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!
 
Is it just that people have so limited experience with relationships that involve something different than one man and one woman?
Yes. I remember when I met a trans person for the very first time, I had all kind of urges to ask inappropriate questions about their body. The feeling was, it's just ... bizarre. I think a poly family, to most people, is just bizzare.
 
I will admit to asking that because I HATE having more than one person in bed with me and am curious about how people sleep comfortable like that on a regular basis. Lol
 
Hello Danae,

Sometimes I feel like poly is like a sideshow to monos. They immediately want all the lurid details. You wouldn't ask a mono about their sex life or sleeping arrangements because that would be an invasion of their privacy. Polys are "so different" that it never occurs to a mono to respect our privacy too. We're freaks to them. :mad:

Of course they're not all like that. (Thank gods.)
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I ask that sometimes! I just find it interesting how people choose to sleep — has nothing to do with sex for me. It’s funny because one of my partners gave me a “oh that’s so sad!” look when I told him that my husband and I have separate bedrooms....but he is part of a cohabiting V in which only he and his wife share a bedroom — and thinks it is really silly when people think that he and his wife and meta all share a bed together! Can’t have it both ways! Either it is “sad” to not share a bed with your partner every night or it is ridiculous to all sleep in a bed together, but it is pretty silly to *expect* one person to be left out if you ALSO believe that sleeping together is a universally important aspect of a relationship.

I’m probably not making much sense — I have a fever right now. My point is that people ask questions about sleeping because they assume that married couples sleep in beds together so when faced with the idea of being married to two people they are also faced with a picture of sleeping in the same bed as two other people and that sounds kinda nice and cuddly...but also hot and sweaty and snore-y! It is easier to wrap your head around the idea of having sex with multiple people than it is to wrap your head around the idea of consistently co-sleeping with multiple people.
 
It's incredibly rude and ridiculous when confused mono people ask poly people if they all sleep in the same bed! That's different from when poly people like MsEmotional ask each other about how they manage their sleeping arrangements :)

But I do think mono people are just trying to understand. They are usually trying to ask if the poly people are having threesomes/group sex (a ridiculous and rude question, or course, but sometimes that's the only type of non-monogamy they've heard of). They are not usually trying to ask about actual sleeping habits.

Funny thing, though. I have pretty severe sleeping issues and CANNOT sleep in a bed with anyone. Often not even in the same room with anyone--I need white noise, blackout curtains, etc. In addition, my partner snores loudly! When my partner and I visit each other, we sleep in each other's guest rooms (after sex in one of the beds usually, lol).

EVERYONE I know, mono & poly & whatever, is completely weirded out by this!
 
Funny thing, though. I have pretty severe sleeping issues and CANNOT sleep in a bed with anyone. Often not even in the same room with anyone-- ...


This got me to wondering if I'd have trouble sleeping when not in the same bed with a loved one. For the last twenty plus years, on almost every night of these decades, I have slept beside my sweetheart. We are alternatingly cuddling this way and then that through the night. Almost always making body contact. The exceptions to this are astonishingly rare, when I stop to think about it! I bet I can count each exception on one set of ten fingers!

I'm pretty sure this would work out just as well if it were another loved one. But sleeping ALONE?! Wow. How would that be?
 
It's incredibly rude and ridiculous when confused mono people ask poly people if they all sleep in the same bed! That's different from when poly people like MsEmotional ask each other about how they manage their sleeping arrangements :)

But I do think mono people are just trying to understand.

Thanks for clarifying the difference. I am a little less feverish today so I am going to attempt to make a different comparison — I have never gotten the “do you all sleep in the same bed?” question.....perhaps because I do not cohabit with any partners other than my husband. I have gotten the “do you and your husband and boyfriend do groupsex?” question from a polycurious date (who was likely just looking for an opportunity to tell me about his experience having a foursome).

The common weird question that I get from mono people, though, is “Does your boyfriend know you are married?” I always answer politely but in my head I’m always like WTF? Of course he knows I am married! What kind of “ethical” nonmonogamy would I be practicing if my partners didn’t know about each other’s existence?
 
... I have never gotten the “Do you all sleep in the same bed?” question... perhaps because I do not cohabit with any partners other than my husband. I have gotten the, “Do you and your husband and boyfriend do group sex?” question from a poly-curious date (who was likely just looking for an opportunity to tell me about his experience having a foursome).

Like you, despite having been practicing poly for 10 years, I have never been asked if my live-in partner and I "sleep" in the same bed with any of our other partners. But then, we don't live together.

To the OP, this is your first question on our board, and it's a little... prurient? And it's actually not a common question to be asked by complete strangers who find out one is poly. Most everyone I know, knows I am poly, and strangers don't get to find out I'm poly until I know them well enough to know they won't pry and ask weird uncomfortable questions. Are you legit so bothered by this question, so often, and it's so annoying, you come in here just to ask us this?

The common weird question that I get from mono people, though, is “Does your boyfriend know you are married?” I always answer politely but in my head I’m always like WTF? Of course he knows I am married! What kind of “ethical” non-monogamy would I be practicing if my partners didn’t know about each other’s existence?

One of the most common questions I get asked by horny Neanderthals on dating sites is, "Do you and your gf share boyfriends?" In other words, "If I date/fuck you, do I get 2 for the price of one? Do I somehow magically get to fuck your gf, who has never met me, and I have never met her, and yet somehow she's so horny and so non-discriminating, she'll fuck anyone her partner brings home? Is she like me? Because I will fuck anything with a vagina. Will she fuck anything with a penis?"

You wish, horny boy, you just wish. *rolleyes*

I never get asked questions by casual acquaintances in the neighborhood, who do you "sleep" with? I never get asked, do you and your gf have sex with the same person?

There are a few people here who do have live-in V's. Some of them have blogs here that I read. I have never seen them to complain about being asked this question, "Do you and your partners all share a bed/share sex?" Not by casual acquaintances. Only by prospective dating partners who are maybe legit worried they will be asked to have 3some sex with another dude they've never met, and they are scared.

Kevin shares a home with his F partner and his M meta. He has his own room.

Bluebird shares a home with her 2 husbands. Each guy has his own room and she goes back and forth between them for sleep or sex or whatever, on a rotating schedule. Occasionally she's had a 3rd non-live-in bf and he gets added to the schedule, at his own place.

I think it would only be comfortable to share a bed and sex (3 people, all together, every night) if you were in a true and healthy triad where all 3 partners were romantically involved. Even then, I'm sure there would be times when 2 were horny and wanted sex, and so the third partner would opt to spend at least part of the night in another room or bed. Or one partner was sick and would go off. Or one partner was out of town and each of the others wanted space for whatever reason.

There are many many mono couples who do not share a bed. For whatever reason. Often it's health reasons; snoring or apnea, for example. Sometimes they don't have sex anymore and want more independence for sleeping too. Very often when kids come along, the mother will sleep with the baby and dad will go elsewhere for sleep to be able to be rested enough to go to work. Or if a 2nd baby comes along, the mother will sleep with the newborn and the father will sleep with the toddler or preschooler. Etc., etc. (People don't like to admit they share sleep with their kids. But they do! It's human nature.)

I don't (literally) sleep with my partner every night. She has another relationship and goes to his place 1-2 nights a week. So I get to spread out and enjoy the peaceful bed. She's sometimes a restless sleeper and sometimes, even if she's here, she might go to the couch, or I might.

When I've had a bf spend the night here, he sleeps in the guest room. Usually I'll spend the night with him, but sometimes I don't. I just sleep with my gf as usual.
 
My experience with this one is sort of funny since everyone who'd I've told is poly has either made a joke about how i must need a big bed, or gone into the weird questions then said something alone those lines.

Just now i am renting a flat with 2 bedrooms that both have small double beds in. Yes, the three of us can fit in one bed but it isn't comfortable and no one really gets any sleep so we've given up on that and are comfortable enough to sleep separately. I normally end up in the spare room with Ash since Josie likes to stay up later, but sometimes it ends up with just those two in the bed and i get to go in the spare room. For when I move, I'm definitely getting a superking size so we can all fit comfortably in one bed :p

With the triad dynamic, of course we're all going to sleep in the same bed, so the question isn't as stupid as it probably sounds to some people. But if I were to date someone else outside of my current partners, i definitely wouldn't expect us ALL to sleep in the same bed at all. Different dynamics and situations call for different solutions. I just find it amusing that mono people are amazed we can be poly, sleep in the same bed and NOT just be having sex constantly. They're kinda weird for being obsessed with the idea of it honestly :rolleyes:
 
I am in an open cohabitating Vee (not triad) and we DO get asked about sleeping arrangements sometimes by people who are "in the know". (Especially if they have been to our house - 1 bedroom). Can't say it bothers me at all...just seems like innocent practical curiosity.

We all have different wake/sleep cycles. I LOVE sleeping in between my two boys (and any guests!) in our king-size bed with the dog at my feet. But..MrS snores like a dragon and Dude has terrible heartburn (and prefers to sleep partially upright) so..usually Dude sleeps on the couch (by choice). If Dude happens to falls asleep with me then occasionally MrS sleeps on the couch (we have a few). No worries.

Then again, we also, on rare occasions, engage in group sex (a treat for me, as I get ALL of the attention if it is just the three of us). And we do "share" partners if that's the way things work out. So I get that people are curious about that as well.

To be fair, I am a champion sleeper - multiple bedmates, restless people (or dogs), snorers, strangers, sleeping alone, on the couch, on the floor, in a tent, noise, lights - whatever! I admit that, as a person who enjoys sleeping with others, that I find it odd when someone chooses to sleep alone, when they could be cuddled up - but...their choice.

People (including guests) have options if they do/don't want to sleep with others. (Currently in the process of replacing all of the couches with futons/sofa beds to expand those options).
 
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I can totally see where this is an invasion of privacy and may bother more private people. I personally enjoy any and all questions about my life. Of course, I'm not talking about locker room drama about my sex life with names changed to protect the guilty, I'm pretty open about that in the appropriate forum.

That stuff just isn't as stimulating as the people I get that ask real questions about dealing with partners. I especially get questions because I am less active than my wife; she's a social butterfly. I choose to see these inquiries as a chance to discuss and process my relationships. Sometimes discussing something and educating someone, even if they do just think we are fascinating, is a great way to help others while also helping myself.

I find this particularly useful if their question or concern mimics mine. If I am worried about something in my relationships and someone asks about it that puts me on the stand defending the rights of my people. This can be cathartic when I am tempted to feel small about something because it helps me to recenter my intentions and goals about people.
 
To the OP, this is your first question on our board, and it's a little... prurient? And it's actually not a common question to be asked by complete strangers who find out one is poly. Most everyone I know, knows I am poly, and strangers don't get to find out I'm poly until I know them well enough to know they won't pry and ask weird uncomfortable questions. Are you legit so bothered by this question, so often, and it's so annoying, you come in here just to ask us this?

I have been a member of this forum before many years ago, but since I couldn't find back my username, it seemed easier to just make a new account. So I'm sorry if it just seemed I waltzed in from nowhere :)

And why couldn't my experience differ from yours? It might just be a cultural thing - I'm from Holland where people can be quite blunt and straightforward. And since we live together as a family (and can be seen that way in public by anyone) the "do you sleep together"-question actually IS the first thing we get asked a lot by mono's.

Since I know a few transmen and -women who have the same experience (not with questions about 'sleeping arrangements', but with blunt first questions about their sex and genitals) I'm just genuinely wondering - why? Though I think it has something to do with the things a few here suggested, like having no experience with these kind of things, so struggling to form a mental image, trying to fit it in the 'perfect relationship'-idea that society has taught us. And maybe also general prudishness, I don't know. It's just something that really fascinates me, so thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and experiences!
 
I have been a member of this forum before many years ago, but since I couldn't find back my username, it seemed easier to just make a new account. So I'm sorry if it just seemed I waltzed in from nowhere :)

And why couldn't my experience differ from yours? It might just be a cultural thing - I'm from Holland where people can be quite blunt and straightforward. And since we live together as a family (and can be seen that way in public by anyone) the "do you sleep together"-question actually IS the first thing we get asked a lot by mono's.

Since I know a few transmen and -women who have the same experience (not with questions about 'sleeping arrangements', but with blunt first questions about their sex and genitals) I'm just genuinely wondering - why? Though I think it has something to do with the things a few here suggested, like having no experience with these kind of things, so struggling to form a mental image, trying to fit it in the 'perfect relationship'-idea that society has taught us. And maybe also general prudishness, I don't know. It's just something that really fascinates me, so thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and experiences!

OK, I'm sorry I was suspicious.

I just think it's odd too, that people assume a cohabiting V or triad shares a bed. Or that they are likely to. Or that it's any of their business. I think no one would ever ask a mono couple, "Do you share a bed?" They assume they do, even though, often they don't! lol. For reasons that I posted up-thread. Ironic.

As far as asking a person who is trans or intersex or gender-non-conforming whether they've had surgeries, ugh. Don't get me started. My partner is trans. We met online on a dating site. I did ask her if she was trans prior to meeting her. She was still IDing as male back then, on her dating profile, as she'd just started transition. But her pix didn't look male. So, since I wanted to meet her and probably have sex with her, I asked her if she was trans, to get to know her better. (It didn't make a difference, since I am pansexual.) But I did not ask her if she'd had any surgeries. I didn't care. I thought it would be rude to ask, prior to a first date. I didn't know until we were actually in bed and she undressed, what her genitalia looked like.

But people are weird. People think they have a right to touch a pregnant woman's belly without asking her for consent. People also think they have a right to touch someone's baby, or babies, if they are twins. So invasive.
 
I've had similar questions from friends as well... it seems when I use the word "poly," it conjures up images of group sex and everyone in the same big cuddle puddle. I tend not to use that particular word and it gets the point across a little better. Sometimes.

The latest comment I got was something like, "I don't know about relationships where I'd need a scorecard," and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that comment, since we were in a group of people. I settled for, "No scorecard. Just a good Google calendar."
 
I've had similar questions from friends as well... it seems when I use the word "poly," it conjures up images of group sex and everyone in the same big cuddle puddle. I tend not to use that particular word and it gets the point across a little better. Sometimes.

The latest comment I got was something like, "I don't know about relationships where I'd need a scorecard," and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with that comment, since we were in a group of people. I settled for, "No scorecard. Just a good Google calendar."

I was physically nodding my head while reading this. It doesn't help that a lot of my friends are swingers.
 
People ask questions that seem rude or dumb, but we have to understand where they are coming from. This stuff is totally foreign to them. At least they are curious rather than dismissive.
 
Hello fellow forum members!

So here's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately: why are people so fascinated by the sex-related issues as soon as they find out you have a non-normative relationship?

I live together with my husband and wife, we have kids and have been together for many years (and seriously, we are nothing exciting, just quite a normal family, we just happen to be with three parents instead of two). And still, when people meet us for the first time, they seem to be most fascinated with the question if we sleep in the same bed. Why is that? Is it just that people have so limited experience with relationships that involve something different than one man and one woman? That it becomes something exciting or disgusting? Is our society that prudish?

I'm really curious about this, since it would never cross my mind to ask a heterosexual couple the same question.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Hetero esp mono couples in my experience are very ignorant of anything from what society has told them is real and valid. They've never learned, never had to learn, and were never curious. But, then they meet someone who suddenly sparks a curiosity they just...word vomit out a question.

If you've never done it before, then you're going to be curious. Some people just are really lacking in tact and understanding appropriate questions, and the patience to get where that may be an appropriate question.

In my experience, they're asking less from a judgment prudish perspective, and more from just...curiosity. Almost innocent curiosity. It often feels like a child asking "why is the sky blue?" Is it tactless and inappropriate to ask those questions? Absolutely. Do some people use it as a way to judge or get off on our lives? yeah. But, I rarely share these details with people I get a whiff of weirdness from on the subject. Even the ones I do who have never experienced it are like "But...is loving a woman the same as loving a man" (I'm bi)...and the easy simple answer is "yes". They layer answer is "well every single relationship with every single person has differences so..." but thats more in depth than I want to go with someone who has no idea.

In a way, it's understandable. For mono couples, it's often believed that when they sleep in separate beds their relationship MUST be in trouble (whether this is true or not). So, to see us happy in our relationships their brains kinda go "to be a healthy relationship everyone must share a bed. But...how do they find a bed big enough? Is everyone comfortable? If they don't all sleep together does that mean one partner is lesser?"

It's almost the least invasive question out of any they want to ask. And, I think part of it stems from, at least my generation (I'm 27) being taught that the internet can be dangerous and full of lies; which is a mindset that is sort of coming back, but in a different way? So, they almost want to hear it from the horses mouth. Which I mean, I get. But like...find a blog to read.

For non mono, non hetero, not cis people, we've lived in a society that enforces and explains certain things as "normal". So, we've been conditioned (to the point where is is problematic for many people) that we just...know what being hetero is supposed to look like.
 
We lived a mono life for 15 years.
And I really need someone i love in my bed to sleep well.
Wife one or all of the kids a good friend or a night with a couple just some one I trust. And I can sleep.
If I'm alone I bed it takes ages to fall asleep or not at all.
A very sweet female friend of mine has a husband who doesn't want to sleep with me in his bed. Sat by me till I slept before going to bed herself very nice gesture.
So in my opinion its not strange to ask how we sleep.
People who knew we co slept with the kids when they were small always asked dont you roll on the baby.
Obviously not since non of the babys were flattened.
 
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People ask questions that seem rude or dumb, but we have to understand where they are coming from. This stuff is totally foreign to them. At least they are curious rather than dismissive.

Yes. When people come from a very different place, they often have no idea if and when they are being inappropriate.

BTW, IMO, the "always sleep in the same bed" question is something pertinent to discuss with a potential partner. With me, 15 years ago, I met a married woman online who was dabbling in polyamory. We remain friends to this day, but nothing sexual ever happened between us. The sticking point for me was that she wouldn't be available to spend an entire night with me. She'd meet partner(s) at a motel or fool around in a car and then go home that night after the sex. For me, it just seemed too much like old fashioned adultery, and not modern polyamory. Additionally, when I have sex with a woman, I enjoy having her stay around to cuddle with leisurely.
 
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