New to the scene--lots of adjustments. Advice?

But in all actuality...she is more than just a friend. I know she cares deeply for both of us. As we care deeply for her too. But in more of a "oh she's just a friend" kind of way. I feel truly that even though i consider her one of my best friends...she's even better friends with him. They talk and text A LOT. Sometimes even more than he and i on some days. So its not like there isnt ANY emotions there. Does that make any sense?
 
So...after more reasearch i have defined our marriage as a semi-open or half swingers. Lol. I didnt mean to offend anyone if i did. I thank u all for ur support and thoughts. Maybe i will be back one day soon if their relationship evolves.
 
Certainly you're always welcome here. I hope things work out well with your marriage and relationships.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
From my personal point of view I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you do. When my husband & I decided to open our marriage up so to speak & allow someone else to be a part of it, it initially started with a relationship w/ him & a close girlfriend of ours and I was not involved whatsoever.

However we found that this type of relationship did not work well for us as I felt very left out like a 3rd wheel even though my husband was being very attentive to my needs & making sure what I needed & wanted came first. After a lot of talking he also agreed that he wouldn't feel comfortable with me dating someone separately from him and so we decided that we were better suited for a closed triad relationship. Once we transitioned from it just being him & her to it being him, me & her things were wonderful & amazing. Though it sadly ended it was a learning experience for us both.

It's natural to feel insecure & a little jealous. And it's good that you are all keeping the communication open & honest, that's extremely important. And there's nothing wrong with stating that you are the primary & that's how it must be, everyone has different needs/wants & what they are/aren't comfortable with. For my husband & I we choose to see ourselves & whomever we're in a relationship with as all equals, however our marriage & us will always come first & what's best for us & our marriage.

And though you've discussed there be no emotions involved at this stage it's sadly not something you, he or she can really control. When there's frequent intimacy eventually feelings will develop. But don't take that as him loving you any less. The best way I can describe is that your husband is a polyamory person, he has the ability & capacity to love several people at the same time but as someone else said there are different levels of that love for different people....he may love her but not in the way he loves you. It doesn't take away from the love he has for you in any way.

I'm not sure if this would be an option for you but maybe try to be involved in the relationship & form a triad. I'm not saying have sex but just dating & getting to know one another on a more intimate level then just friends. You never know what might happen, it may work or it may not but you don't know unless you try. And being included in that you'll feel a lot less insecure & jealous. Just a thought.
 
Thanks altworld. And u too Kevin. :) My eventual plan is to mayb get involved in mre of a triad type situation. I think we're more like a vee right now...shes at our house CONSTANTLY!! And thats ok. This weekend was kind of a set back for me though. It was my dead sons birthday and hubby was out of town. He NEVER has been gone on this particular day and it was even harder than usual because of it. I found out that he called her or texted her when he got up before he did me...and talked to her MUCH longer (about 5 times as much) than we did. It made me feel very unimportant. I did tell both how i felt and she understood. After some arguing...so did he. Lol.
Being completely honest...is this possibly a sign that its progressing to the "more than very close friends who sleep with each othef on occasion" stage? If so...i need to work harder at dealing with those feelings.
 
You're very welcome. I truly do understand how you are feeling as I went through the same thing when my husband & the friend of ours were dating each other and I wasn't involved. I found myself, just like you, comparing everything he did for her & measuring it with what he did for me. It will truly drive you insane & cause more problems then it's worth.

It is very difficult to deal with, sharing that person you love most in the world. That's why trying a triad might be better suited for you as then you will be involved also & won't feel like you're on the outside or being left out.....plus on the upside you'll get twice as much attention!!!! Or maybe even try dating someone yourself.

But you can't compare & measure what he does for her to what he does for you, it will just drive you more crazy.....you have to maybe look at it from the view that it's like a new relationship, you know when you first meet someone & you get all giddy to see them, can't wait to talk to them, etc....well that's sort of what your husband & her are going through. It's new & exciting.

I of course don't know you or your husband or the whole situation but from what you've said & this is just my opinion I would say that yes the relationship between your husband & friend has progressed beyond just friends w/ benefits....they might not even be aware of it. But I definitely think there are feelings involved & developing and that's only natural.
 
Well...funny u say that. My eventual thought was to have more of a three way relationship. But because i have been uncomfortable seeing him with someone else in the past...i thought getting used to the idea first would help and we would move on from there. We are more like a vee right now. She is over constantly... which is fine. We share cooking...cleaning...looking after each others kids...all of that. Though i still want to remain the queen. Lol.
This weekend though was a kind of set back for me. He was on a hunting trip and it was my dead sons birthday. He has ALWAYS been there to help me through it. So not having him home was especially hard. I found out though that I waz not the first one on his mind in the morning...or the last one at night. They talked/texted MUCH more than he and i did. I felt very unimportant to him right then. And pushed aside. I relayed my feelings to both of them. She completely understood... he did too after some arguing.
He has also told me he would not be comfortable with "sharing" me...i am his world. And i am fine with that. I dont want to. He really is wonderful 99.9% of the time.
So honest opinions here...given the information from this weekend...is this a sign that its moving past the "we're more than very close friends who occasionally have no strings attached sex with each other" stage? If so...thays ok. I need to reprioritize what feelings and emotions i am dealing with. Thanks all for ur input. Interested (extremely) to see what u guys think.
 
Wtf??? I dont know wut happened. My first reply disappeared...so i rewrote. And then i erased the second one. Idk. Smart phones are so stupid!!!
 
I honestly think so too. And thank u for ur honest opinion. I REALLY do appreciate it. In fact...her daughter (whos in college) even wanted to know what was going on between them. Lol. And yes...sharing ur best friend and love of ur life is the HARDEST!! But it does seem to make him happier. And i have truly accepted that.
My opinion on NRE...sure ur giddy...excited...etc. But u cant push away the people who have helped u through everything and stood by u ur whole life. U shouldnt have to say "wait for a few months. I'll be back". Lol. Its like making a new friend...u dont suddenly forget ur old ones. Is that selfish?
 
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Altworld...and all of u who signed off...i thank u so much for ur insight and experience. I value it tremendously. Its great food for thought and gives me much more to think about. I have grown enormously through this experience. Please continue with ur feedback...good or bad. I can handle the truth. Lol
 
I definitely think that you should try more of a triad, since everything else seems to be progressing okay & everything is being honest & open. I'm not saying all of you go jump in the bed together of course.....take your time, date all together, try some dates just you & her (hold hands, snuggle on the couch, etc). Of course you'll want to talk to your husband & her about it and all of you be in the same page....that's very important.

And if he's telling you that you are his world then believe in that & don't allow the affection/attention he shows for her to make you feel that he loves you any less. Like I said it's all new & exciting right now.

As I said in the previous post I definitely think there are feelings developing & it's progressing past friends w/ benefits. Especially if she's there as much as you say she is & they talk as often as they do....she's becoming a part of your family which can be a wonderful thing for everyone....there's more love, more support, more affection/attention.

And no he definitely shouldn't push you away & if you're feeling pushed away then you have to be open & honest with him about it. When you talk to him about it don't attack him (that will immediately cause an argument & you'll get no where), tell him this is how you're feeling or when he does this or that it makes you feel this way. Try to find a way to resolve those feelings but figuring out what you BOTH can do to make it better.

My husband & I from day one have always been of the mind set that we're stronger together & we get through everything together, we're in this life & marriage together and we work through all the ups & down as a team. And that has gotten through a lot & we've only gotten stronger because of it.
 
U are so spot on. I have completely relearned how to argue. I make more "i feel......becuase of...." then i EVER have. I used to say "u made me....". Blame is useless. And counterproductive. I will not even think of bringing up the "me and her" thing until i am comfortable with all the othef stuff first. But i have always planned to. Her and i do quite a lot together as friends. I am very honest and open with how i feel or wut i think to both of them. They r wonderful listeners. She has admitted she dont know how i do it. She lived with us for a few months and has seen the worst side of my jealousy and accusations. Lol. Oops. My marriage is DEFINITELY better and stronger because of this whole thing.
 
Sounds like things are improving in the communication areas. Good/plentiful communication is one of the most important ingredients in making polyamory (or any kind of relationship, really) work. So I commend you for working on your communication skills.

Perhaps the best advice here is to not panic, and to not try to solve everything at once, but rather, take it in small chunks. If something makes you feel left out, give him a gentle reminder: "Hey, I am here too." NRE is no excuse for neglecting one's original relationship, but it's a powerful force and people do get forgetful sometimes. Just tell him, "Hey, I need some more attention over here." It's easy to take the original relationship for granted.

It sounds like the girlfriend is very understanding and respectful towards you. That's a big plus; keep developing your friendship with her, even if it's nothing romantic (yet).
 
Im sorry if i frustrate anyone. We have discussed it and as terrible as it sounds...and unfair as it may be...i will only be comfortable as "primary". I know some dont like this...but its the only way i would feel ok. We have too much invested in each other and have dealt with too many things together to just be able to say otherwise at this juncture.

There's nothing wrong with that. Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to push their own way of doing things onto you. Some polyfolk do the whole "Primary/secondary" thing, others don't, and both arrangements work for some people and not for others.

What's more important than the label is being clear about what you need and how your relationship needs to be in order for you to be happy and healthy within it.

This weekend was kind of a set back for me though. It was my dead sons birthday and hubby was out of town. He NEVER has been gone on this particular day and it was even harder than usual because of it. I found out that he called her or texted her when he got up before he did me...and talked to her MUCH longer (about 5 times as much) than we did. It made me feel very unimportant. I did tell both how i felt and she understood. After some arguing...so did he. Lol.
Being completely honest...is this possibly a sign that its progressing to the "more than very close friends who sleep with each othef on occasion" stage? If so...i need to work harder at dealing with those feelings.

Yes. I mean, everyone is different of course. But calling a "friend" first on a weekend when your wife is mourning the loss of her son? Not exactly prioritizing family...

I definitely think that you should try more of a triad, since everything else seems to be progressing okay & everything is being honest & open. I'm not saying all of you go jump in the bed together of course.....take your time, date all together, try some dates just you & her (hold hands, snuggle on the couch, etc). Of course you'll want to talk to your husband & her about it and all of you be in the same page....that's very important.

I disagree with this advice. Being in a triad will not make anything simpler. It's like saying that getting married will somehow improve a damaged relationship. In reality, adding more "relationship expectation" makes things more complicated and difficult to manage.

Rather than trying to mould it into something specific, try just letting things progress naturally. If you and the other gal end up being romantic, that's great. If not, that's great too.
 
I most definitely do not have a problem telling him when i need some attention. And he is very good about giving it to me. So i am lucky in that aspect. But i usually dont even have to tell him. He said the only reason he called her and not me is becuz he knee i would still be sleeping and didnt want to wake me. I can understand that. They talk to each other first most days for this reason....they're both early birds. But this weekend it just REALLY bugged me.
As far as primary/secondary and all that go...i feel that i should definitely come first becuz i honestly do not see us as equals. It sounds bad i know...but we have been together for 15 years. I have put up with A LOT in that time. And i feel like i have paid my dues and deserve it and would be greatly offended to have someone come along and get the same amount of...or more...attention from him than i. I am his wife...his partner...and the mother of his children. That says TONS in my book. Fair? Not to everyone...but it is to me and he thinks so too. I am the one who has to deal with the struggles and bad times...so i better at least get more good times. Lol.
And i brought up the topic of eventual emotions to him yesterday...he wanted to know where his wife went. Im afraid he thinks i dont love him anymore. At least thats HIS fear.
 
Well, keep those communication channels flowing, even if he seems to almost know what you're thinking (and it's great that he does). One never knows what issues may come up in a conversation, and it's good to keep everyone on the same page.

I think you should stick to the game plan you're currently doing, while keeping an open mind about the future. For instance, who knows what all your feelings might be in ten years? but since you know what you need in the here and now, it's perfectly fine to stick to that.

If he has insecurities too, maybe you can help him with them. What about his girlfriend? Does she ever feel insecure? Something to consider.

Overall it sounds like you're making progress. That's good to hear.
 
He does have some insecurities and fears...which we do talk about. It is hard because hes not used to or comfortable with talking about his feelings. One of his only other fears is that because of all this i will end up resenting him and want a divorce. He wonders how long one can put up with their spouse having a "friend" when they have nothing but their spouse.
She on the other hand is very confident and has voiced no concerns really...other than what my feelings on it are. Sometimes i get really irrational and think its all a conspiracy for them to make me feel better so they can continue to have their fun guilt free. Lol. I never said i was sane...
 
I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past few days. With several people on here thinking that its progressing...i have had to explore my feelings and fears about that. I have come to terms with the fact that it probably is. And i believe i have even accepted it probably has and will continue to do so. I have let go of my fears about it. I just dont know how to tell them that i am ok with it. I dont know how to bring it up to her...more specifically. I have already mentioned it to him.
I am sure, though, that its progressing. History: my hubby is self employed. Only plows snow in winter...and makes a lot of money doing so. Had to sell old truck and buy new one and didnt have a plow. Things happened...people had financial issues...and backed out of jobs that would have bought the new plow. He was seriously considering going to Florida for work for the winter. She applied for and got a loan to pay for his new plow...about $6000. It was not discussed with me ahead of time. We always talk about serious purchases. So i am resigned to accepting that its progressing. Who the hell gets a loan for "just a friend"? I also thought that mayb it was a way of saying thank u for letting her live with us. Wut theory do u believe is more correct? Honesty appreciated...opinions accepted. Thanks guys!!!
 
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If you have always been together on making financial decisions I think you should have been included in her taking out a loan for his truck. I would have felt discounted in this situation as well and I understand how you would. You have a right to your feelings and I think you should take it up with them. Since you have developed a lot of conflict resolution skills in this relationship so I think you can do it and expect a successful outcome. The fact that he's afraid you'll ask for a divorce means to me that he's invested in his relationship with you and doesn't want it to end. Think about what you want out of a talk with them: an apology? An agreement to be included in any such future transaction?
Good luck in this. You're putting a lot of effort in making this work. I think it's reasonable that you expect them to do the same.
 
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