Whoo... it's gettin' hot in here (so hot)... so take off all your clothes...
Forgive me. Just having a little moment. (And taking my clothes off, apparently).
What an interesting topic. Hi Scarlet.
Firstly, apologies for the length. I've read through all of the posts here and this is what I’ve picked up on:
- Hubby gets involved with women who aren't respectful / possibly harmful
- Hubby hates to end connections
- Hubby has a tendency to keep things from you
- Hubby possesses poor judgment of character
- You feel unprotected, invalidated, resentful, hurt; you feel Hubby doesn't have your back
- You struggle to let things go
- You are accused of being controlling
I would genuinely like to start off by saying that I do completely understand your feelings. I have been in your shoes and I wholly empathise with the feeling that your partner's partner may be attempting (or even managing) to a) badmouth you freely and b) come between you. Everything I say here is with kindness. I do not know you, your husband, or the other girl(s). I will play devil's advocate and I will try to get you to ask questions you may not have asked; not at all through any judgment, but simply in the hopes of helping you to find a solution.
So, a few thoughts/questions:
What if your husband simply isn't a zero tolerance kind of guy? What if your husband thinks it's ok for you to speak your mind to him, and for his girlfriend(s) to speak their mind to him? What if he doesn't feel it's right to defend you? Have you both explored *why* your hubby has an issue with keeping things from you? Is he scared of the conflict? Does he just want what he wants, regardless? Is he impulsive, digs a hole, then doesn’t know how to get out of it? Does he feel forced into a corner, and does he resent having to have given up the friendship in the first place? If you are worried that what you perceive to be poor judgement on hubby’s part will leave one, or both, of you in danger, how can you measure warning signs of behaviour that is unsafe?
- Validation
If your hubby actually validated your feelings, do you think that would help? Could you think of things that don’t involve violating his limits, but that only focus on yours being heard? For example, instead of asking him to cut contact (violating his limits on ending connections), could you say “You don’t have to defend me to her, or get rid of her. The most important thing is that you and I are ok. Could you promise to talk to me if there is any truth in what she is saying?” This puts it back on you, and your relationship. This is even more productive, because you’re solidifying the trust, respect and love between you. In taking this approach, you may even find that your husband stands up for you all by himself. Alternatively, you could tell him that if someone does it in the future, you expect him to at least tell them to take it up with you directly. The same will go for yourself – you must directly take it to his girlfriend(s) and not talk about them to him.
- Struggle to let go / controlling
Have you turned this question inwards and asked why you are being accused of being controlling? I’m confused as to how the girl has formed this conclusion. Any chance hubby has told her that you are? Did hubby place the blame on you for the STI thing? Have you ever prevented anything between them? Are you capable of being overbearing?
- Resentment / impossible ideals
Your written agreement – I do understand your frustration. However, a solution is a positive action. If you broke your arm because you slipped on a wet floor with no wet floor sign, you'd get first aid, right? After the arm is in a sling, you might think “oh well” and do nothing, or you might set out to sue the company with the wet floor. Neither approach is right or wrong. But does either approach change the fact that the arm is going to heal? Would either approach heal it faster? It’s the same thing with your agreement. It's the first aid for your relationship. Focus on how to administer it, not that you needed it to be administered.
- Drama
Is there any chance that you are just as culpable for getting sucked into drama as your hubby is? When the girl sent hubby that poem, why did you Google it, if I may ask? Why not just wash your hands of it and walk away? I am absolutely, 100% *not* saying that this is your fault. At all. What I am trying to do is get you to ask yourself questions. Not because I think your conduct is wrong; but because I don’t believe in asking other people to change their behaviour for us. We can wish for something, but we can't impose it. I might wish that my GF would end a connection that I don't find healthy, but I can't tell or ask her to do so. I can only change the way I deal with it, or decide that I don't want to be in the situation any more.
Suggestions:
The first question to ask yourself is this: are you trying to make a lion out of a bluebird? Is your hubby simply not the type to end connections easily? Is he more passive? What are the bonuses of these personality traits? What if he wanted you to be less lion and more bluebird? Could you do it? Is there a middle ground?
The middle ground might be this:
- Three strikes and you’re out. Not zero tolerance, because your tolerance level is lower than his, and you are going to end up in another situation where you think something is unforgivable, and he sees the 50 shades of grey. Three strikes. Three chances. That gives him some leeway and gives you an end point. Write down what the examples of a strike are now. Be specific. It has to be measurable and agreed upon.
- More autonomy. Don’t get involved with women he dates. Stay out of it completely. Don’t befriend her, don’t hang out with her. Is that an option?
- Less sharing. Opt out of hearing about the latest drama. Opt out of hearing about his girlfriend(s) opinions of you. Opt out of giving your opinion about his girlfriend(s).
- Transparency. Get to the bottom of why your husband hides things. Find out how to foster an environment in which he has the balls to tell you the truth, and has the balls to deal with the consequences. Find the balls to listen and understand when he wants to keep a connection, against all odds.
- Limits. If you absolutely cannot have women like this in *his* life, say it now. If you want to be friends with his partners, and want a more couple-centric approach, say it now. It may mean that you each get to give the green, amber or red light on every new relationship. The carte blanche, as it were. Is that an option?
- Practice productive communication. Try out a technique with a formula for getting through issues. 1) state feelings 2) partner repeats what they understand and offers validation and empathy 3) partner offers explanations and other viewpoints 4) brainstorm solutions or comprises based on win-win, rather than win-lose.