Cuppycake
New member
I'm looking for advice and wondering if anyone here is or had been in a similar situation. First a little background. Bravo and I are legally married. He has been in a sort of on and off relationship with Bean for about two years. She and I have just recently been exploring a GF/GF relationship over the last couple of months. Bean has been expressing frustration and worry over our inability to be out to many people about our relationships with her. She and Bravo have kept their relationship a secret for almost the entire time, I didn't even know about it until last fall. They were surprised at my openness to the idea of poly and while it was initially a vee with Bravo as the hinge, Bean and I have formed our own relationship.
Here's the problem: Bravo and Bean are both in the military, and Bravo's job requires him to maintain a security clearance. At this time we don't see any way to be totally out in the open without risking careers, military benefits, and article 15s. While the idea of being hidden isn't necessarily something any of us like, it seems to really be bothering Bean especially. She doesn't want to be looking over her shoulder constantly, whether she is with me or Bravo. I just don't know how to reassure her that she is important to us. I think she fears that Bravo and I will ultimately "backslide" into a monogamous marriage. She also seems to be having a hard time with the simple fact that Bravo and I are married at all, that the only way she can get what she needs (openness, being out to everyone, no need to hide any part of her relationships with either of us) is for none of us to be married and therefore not need to worry about the military's adultery rules. I'm not willing to divorce Bravo for that added bit of security, and I don't believe that is something he'd consider as a viable option either.
How do we express to her that our unwillingness to come out at this time has nothing to do with her and everything to do with work. Has anyone successfully come out to family and friends without fear that their employer might find out? Short of leaving the military or finding a new job, are there any avenues we should explore to help protect ourselves legally and financially?
Here's the problem: Bravo and Bean are both in the military, and Bravo's job requires him to maintain a security clearance. At this time we don't see any way to be totally out in the open without risking careers, military benefits, and article 15s. While the idea of being hidden isn't necessarily something any of us like, it seems to really be bothering Bean especially. She doesn't want to be looking over her shoulder constantly, whether she is with me or Bravo. I just don't know how to reassure her that she is important to us. I think she fears that Bravo and I will ultimately "backslide" into a monogamous marriage. She also seems to be having a hard time with the simple fact that Bravo and I are married at all, that the only way she can get what she needs (openness, being out to everyone, no need to hide any part of her relationships with either of us) is for none of us to be married and therefore not need to worry about the military's adultery rules. I'm not willing to divorce Bravo for that added bit of security, and I don't believe that is something he'd consider as a viable option either.
How do we express to her that our unwillingness to come out at this time has nothing to do with her and everything to do with work. Has anyone successfully come out to family and friends without fear that their employer might find out? Short of leaving the military or finding a new job, are there any avenues we should explore to help protect ourselves legally and financially?