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  #591  
Old 06-29-2018, 01:56 PM
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More about Polyfriend in a minute, but in other developments: I joined the gym in my town a week ago, last Saturday. Man, I should've done this ages ago.

I knew I needed more exercise. My spine is a mess and one thing it really needs is more support from my core. I got so sedentary when I was feeling like shit from the chemo. So from November 2016 until very recently, I was weak and achy from chemo, and once I was able to actually move, having all the pain in the back and neck and head...

Then the recent herniations got me desperate to make some changes in my health.

I considered going to the UMass Spine Center in Boston. My gp had recommended it. Of course, she also recommended a neurologist for the headaches caused by the nerve damage in my neck, which led to the Lyrica fiasco!

Also, I bet my insurance would balk at me getting an epidural or facet injections at the spine center, and make me do physical therapy first. But I've tried PT twice already and it was horrible. The therapist just overworked me, wouldn't let me listen to my body. And there is only one PT place within a half hour of me that takes my insurance.

So. Years ago, I used to swim and do water aerobics. I LOVE to swim. I was terrified to join the local gym now though, afraid I'd hurt myself. But recently I was thinking about lake swimming like I do at the lake near my son's house in the summers. And I found out this year the lake is closed til July 20th due to overgrowth of weeds in the water. And I was SO disappointed.

So I thought, my body is telling me I need to swim. So I decided to go for it and join the gym. Despite feeling weak and achy and afraid of more pain, or of like, falling down in the locker room or something.

And I've been swimming 3 times! And it's GREAT. I do feel achy in the water sometimes, either my lower back or neck, but I've been experimenting with different swimming strokes, using a noodle, or just walking in the water where it's more shallow, or doing some aerobics moves I remember from earlier in the 2000s.

I went for my 3rd swim yesterday. I am already feeling a difference in my body. Not in my spine per se, but my hips feel looser and more flexible. Being bouyant in the water is amazing, and so relaxing and mood lifting!

The gym has an indoor and outdoor pool, and a whirlpool next to the indoor pool. I went to the indoor pool first, and hot tub. The next time it was sunny out so I went to the outdoor pool. It was very large, lots of room for families and kids. Deep end for diving. And 2 laps reserved for lap swimming. So I did that while enjoying the blue sky and sunshine, and the happy children having fun on the other side of the pool. There are a ton of chaise lounges too, so I could even go and lie there and get some sun and read and relax all summer. The third time I went to the gym, we had a rainy day, so I went to the indoor pool.

Showering and changing in the locker room is always awkward. But I take my time and manage.

Meanwhile my son has been here a few days and we've done so much gardening. The flowerbeds have been neglected for 2 years. I was able to do some clearing of sumac and raspberries. He's done most of the actual work, although he needs my supervision. We cleared tons of weeds, small sumac trees, 3 kinds of vines, and wild raspberries that were invading the flower beds I have along the back of the yard. There's an old stone wall there, very New Englandy, but wild plants were coming over from the woods to choke out my daylilies and hostas and vinca. So we did all that, plus my son spread fertilizer on 3/4 of the lawn. (My friend T had done the front yard a few weeks ago.) The next day he took Pixi's new power pruner and shaped all the bushes in the front of the house. That was more easy and fun for him haha. Then he also weeded the front flower beds and under the bushes, and spread mulch. It looks fantastic!

I took him to Savers and bought him clothes as "payment" for all his hard work. Calvin Klein jeans, Lee jeans, Gap cargo shorts... all like $8 each. 2 T-shirts at $5 each. He's been on a health kick lately, eating less and riding bike. He was overweight for years, but he's lost 50-60 lbs in the past year! So he was super pumped to get new smaller clothes.

He prefers to visit when Pixi is here as they are such good friends. But this time I get him all to myself, and he has been terrific helping me. Last night we had a friend of ours over for dinner and a movie, and my son did most of the cooking!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
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  #592  
Old 06-29-2018, 02:05 PM
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I hadn't heard from Polyfriend so I texted him yesterday morning. He was about to go to work, and said he'd been giving me space since he knew my son was here til Saturday.

But I told him he'd kind of blindsided me with his declaration of wanting to have an actual physical relationship as well as friendship, just before he had to run back to work after our lunch and short visit at my house. He said, sorry he didnt mean to blindside me. It was "impulsive." When could he call me?

I said phone calls might be harder, but a few lines of text explaining his change of heart until we could talk would ease my mind. Was it _just_ an impulse then?

He said he heard my distress. No, not just an impulse. "You impressed me and I felt an attraction. I continue to feel it. I can talk more soon."

So I said, OK, thanks, Polyfriend.

Once my son leaves I hope to get this discussed more. But I am kind of excited about it. Especially since the date with the interesting but kind of bitter, sort of off-putting (but good kisser) Fox, and then being ghosted on by the other guy so weirdly.

Meanwhile, Pixi has been doing very well in her new position at camp. She is able to text more, since it's more of a desk job. She still gets outside with the kids, but does computer work too. She still hasnt figured out when she can come home for a day, or arrange for me to go visit. I had hopes I could go there for July 4th. So, fingers crossed to see her soon one way or another!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #593  
Old 07-05-2018, 08:43 PM
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Polyfriend had told me he needed to run by his partners about his change of heart around seeing me, as a FWB. He had told me after our first date he thought he didnt have enough time to give me what I deserved. I am not sure how "all in" he thought I'd expected him to be. I'd said something to him on our supposed "just friends" lunch date about how maybe Fox would be ok FWB material. That must have gotten him thinking about being FWBs with me himself.

So. I already knew from our first date that his live in gf didn't care if he got another partner. Already, they only have sex 0-2 times a month.

It was the other gf that was more resistant. And so, he spent last weekend with her and told her that, yes, after all, he wanted to be with me as FWBs.

He is sex-starved and she knows it. He only sees her every other weekend. When they probably do have marathon sex. But he has told me he wants sex after just 2-3 days. He is not fulfilled with every other weekend sex. At all.

So on Monday he quickly messaged me to tell me things still weren't resolved. But he'd get back to me by Wedesday.

Yesterday was Wednesday. And he said while she told him go ahead, she was very upset by it. "Reluctant and distressed." So he can't, in good conscience, actually be with me.

I was prepared for this answer. I realized checking back, he first contacted me 10 weeks ago. I knew if we hadn't already started seeing each other by now, one more weekend of discussing it with his gf probably wasn't going to change anything.

Still, I'm angry. Why does he have this FL account with his personality and kink interests all spelled out? Why did he ask me out in the first place, and compliment me, when he hadn't even gotten the gf's consent ahead of time? Maybe he thought it was OK to have a first date with me despite her initial reluctance, that she'd get over it.

But in a way, despite his age of 63, despite me telling him how Kahlo hurt me by pursuing Pixi, thinking with his dick, and him commisterating... "Oh that's terrible. Oh that's so not woke of him yada yada..." he goes on to practically cheating on his gf to get to date me.

Argh! Why are people who purport to be polyamorous so FUCKING bad at it?

I responded to his message. I showed some of my anger. I tried to not heap it all on him though. In a way, he is so sweet and kind seeming. Gracious, polite, sensitive. But he did get his gf all in a fuss since he does have poor boundaries and shaky ethics.

Oh well, I had 2 enjoyable days of NRE after our lunch date. sigh... just needing to vent and get this off my chest. Makes for a depressing day.

Adding to my unease, Pixi came home for about 30 hours from camp. We'd discussed my visiting her there but she caught a cold, was exhausted, and it's over 90 out. I didn't feel like facing the un-air-conditioned cabins and woods at camp. And she wanted a break from the heat too.

So, she came home, slept a lot, ate food, took cold meds, spent a couple hours at her bf's. Felt a bit better after her rest and cuddles and talks with both of us. Couldn't give me much in the way of sex. Understandably. One little orgasm for me.

We watched the Boston fireworks on TV last night on our big screen projector TV. That was nice.

She left this morning at 6:30am and I'm on my own again. Kinda threw me off, her being here briefly and then gone again. And Polyfriend letting me down.

I'm back to hunting and chatting men on OKC. It's so weird over there. But I found a few had messaged me by looking at this section called Double Take. Nothing real exciting so far.

No word from Fox. Which is good. He might've been a 99% match, but he was off-putting and didn't let me talk.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
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  #594  
Old 07-09-2018, 05:49 PM
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Let's see, where were we?

Polyfriend replied to my upset messages by agreeing he'd done it all wrong. And he put a note at the beginning of his FL wall: "Profile recently reluctantly reduced to reflect reality. I am not seeking any further relationships at this time." So there.

I finally found all my old messages by looking at Double Take on OKC. Why was this so hard to figure out? You now have to "like" a person before you can respond to their message, even just to say, "Thanks for the compliments but I don't think we are suited."

Turns out I had at least 50 messages stacked up going back at least 4 months. I may have more. They seem never ending. So I ended up spending the last few days reading them all, and chatting with a half dozen guys.

One was hot to trot. A black guy, 40ish, long dreads (my weakness), extremely fit, big muscles. Alternative, real smart, etc etc. But as we talked I realized he was one week out from a breakup of a relationship of 7 year's duration. Gah. And when I questioned him about how it ended, long slow spiral (so maybe he's doing OK), or was he blindsided (freaked out), or did he break up with her? Trying to see what kind of frame of mind he was in, I said, I don't mean to pry. He said, "I feel like I am being interrogated." I said, "I'm just trying to get to know you." He said, "Fair enough..." But I am 99% sure he just wanted a quick almost anonymous bang to get his mind off his breakup. I can't be someone's rebound sex. Blah!

Another guy lives kinda far, in NH, also black, he's sweet and a good listener. Fun. An aspiring shoe designer. Single. And kinky. He's only 38. He seems pretty cool. He went hiking in the NH White Mountains over the weekend. He asked me if I hike. I said, well, I used to hike the White Mountains when I was your age! lol

Another guy is even younger, also black (! what is going on?), a nursing assistant and has aspirations to be a firefighter. He's going to school for that and applying for jobs. We've had some good laughs. He seems puppy dog perky. He has a boat, loves to take food and drinks and ride around. He wants me to teach him how to bake. He's a good cook but needs baking tips. Single. And he likes to give massages. However, he started fantasizing about what kind of sex date he'd like (naked baking), so I slowed him down and said, could we have drinks or dinner first? And he said, yes yes yes! And I said, OK when? And then he just said he'd let me know. Hmm... He's only free weekends since all week it's work, school, gym, sleep. (He's very buff... if those pix ARE really him...)

And then there's a white guy who is into vintage... chat is going more slowly with him. Not sure about any sexual chemistry or (hopefully kinky) interests as yet. He said he is interested in something "not serious" right now. He had tried a non mono r'ship earlier this year, but there was "jealousy on both sides." I told him I was cautious about men who don't really know how to do poly, and he asked me for examples. He still seems interested in a date, but hasn't actually asked me yet.

And there's another white guy who seems nice and is open to non monogamy, but he hasn't gotten back to me since last Thursday. He recently moved here from Philadelphia. He's very good looking. Nice strong jaw.

I'm still also finding men who "liked" me but didn't message me. I go to double take and read their profile. If I "like" them, OKC tells me whether they like me or not. So I have a few of those happening too.

It's hard to be patient, but I want to be very careful this time, very picky.

My weekend was quiet. I had my platonic friend K over for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. I'd just seen her a week before, so she didn't have a month's worth of venting to do, which made her calmer and even led to her asking me questions about my life. Sometimes she just goes on about her life too much. She is a transgender activist, and in demand as a public speaker, very passionate, very interesting. So I don't mind hearing about her life. I support her work a lot. But this time she was more chill and we talked of many other things. Then we watched the 1956 movie Forbidden Planet. OMG what a cool movie. So kitsch. So mid-century Space Age. Such eye candy. So influential on Star Trek and Star Wars. Plus Robbie the Robot!

I didn't swim over the weekend but I walked both days since it has gotten less humid. I walked in the evening around sunset when it gets below 90. Tonight I am going to take the plunge and move from solo swimming at the gym to a water fitness class and see how it goes. My club offers many different classes for varying fitness and health levels. I'm starting with the 3rd from the bottom level, since I am not a complete beginner to the water! It's called Aqua Fit. If it's too easy, I can level up to Aqua Zumba, which is set to music and sounds so fun.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #595  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:11 PM
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The swim class went very well. Only one move out of many hurt my neck so I just modified it. The instructor was good and aware of my issues and supportive. I'm going to go to another class tomorrow, but today I'll go for a quick swim as well on my own.

Pixi came home yesterday at 11am for a quick visit. She left at 7:30 this morning. We had a good connection though. Real sex, a shower together, cooked dinner together, listened to music, watched half a movie. Talked a lot. She also fit in a 3 hour nap. lol She'll be home for 4 whole days on Sunday! Really looking forward to that.

I've got a date set up for tomorrow with the "vintage lover" I mentioned upthread. He's a ginger white guy. He seems very cool and is kinky (I asked). And it seems our kinks line up. We've been texting. He lives 45 minutes away but doesn't think that's a bad drive. Seems he's willing to come here for dates. He still lives with his ex until September but they are definitely broken up, yet amicable. He owns the house so she'll move out. We've exchanged some pix of some of our collections. We are going to get lunch and then go to Savers, and I might just invite him back here afterwards... If I like him in person.

None of the other guys have come right out and asked me out yet. One newer one I didn't mention upthread told me in his first message he'd like to take me out for a drink. We've been chatting and he seems cool, and he lives even closer than the vintage lover. This guy is white guy w dark hair and a beard, plays punk music, is spiritual and into psychedelics a bit. Also film. He's very cute too. He's been poly like 3 years I think. Sounds like he has at least one other partner but is outgoing and likes to meet new people.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #596  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:19 PM
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Oops, double post
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #597  
Old 07-13-2018, 10:12 PM
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Well, my date with VintageLover went so well. Well well well. What a pleasure. He was on the shy side, maybe a bit socially awkward. But he became chatty enough. Very open, just sincere seeming and non-pretentious. And I'd rather shyness and a quiet guy than Mr Talks Too Much who never asks a question. Plus he's so cute! just so fair and fresh looking, younger looking than his 37 years. Not that I fetishize youth, it's just a description.

We had some nice sushi and I learned more about his background, his work, his house, his situation with his ex (she's got a job lined up in another state that starts in September). We talked about antiquing and really clicked on that topic. He was just so fucking sweet and nice. He's got one other woman he's seeing but possibly not that serious about since she's a single mother and he doesn't want to be a stepdad.

So we had fun after lunch wandering around Savers. He didn't get anything although he considered a set of Depression glass plates. He was so happy for me when I found a great piece of Pyrex for $4, as well as a few other little things. Sometime during shopping I decided yeah, I really did want to invite him back to my place. Partly I was thinking it would just be fun to show off my collections, partly I was thinking, this cute boy sure would be fun to play with.

I haven't been with a man in 3 MONTHS!!!

And I've barely been sexual with Pixi in the last 5 weeks or so, what with her getting ready for camp, going to camp, only being home 2 days from camp, and having a cold and being worn out when she was home! So knowing me and my libido, it's been rather torturous.

So, VLover followed me home, and I gave a tour. We I walked all around my house. He appreciated my own paintings as well as the collections.

Earlier, I'd experimented with touch at Savers... we had a laugh about something and I'd given his wrist a squeeze.

So after I showed him one of my paintings, he saw the large painting Pixi and I had bought from an extremely talented young friend of ours. I commented on how in awe of this artist's talent I am... that I just can't paint that well. VLover kind of stroked my arm down to my hip and scoffed and said my style was nice too, he liked it a lot, and told me he liked my "wash" technique.

Then we we went downstairs where more of my paintings are, and most of my Pyrex. We spent more time looking and discussing. I'd also been asking him about what he collects and how he does selling on eBay. (That's just a side business for him but rather profitable; he has a regular job as well.)

So we'd talked about cannabis a bit, and its medicinal properties, and he said it helped his anxiety. I figured he was a bit anxious at this point lol, here at this older lady's house all alone. Wondering if he should make a move... So I invited him to smoke and we both just had one hit. I never need more than that, and he didn't either.

We sat on the family room couch downstairs where we were, and where my weed was. After a bit more chat, he kinda leaned back and said, so, how are you? And he reached over and stroked my arm. I said, great, and how are you? And it was like a romantic movie then. He slowly leaned towards me and ever so slowly brought his face to mine and we kissed. Then kissed more deeply. Then you know, started making out and caressing and all that good stuff. He made great eye contact. Gosh he just seems so sincere and open.

When things got pretty hot, we went upstairs to my bed and got naked and played! We didn't have PIV or oral because I need to get tested! His status is up to date and fine. I hope mine is. It should be. I've called my gyn but they didn't quite give me an appointment. Usually I go to my cool LGBTQ clinic in Boston for testing, but I don't feel like driving all that way just for a test.

Anyway, it was really exciting and fun, just kissing and using hands. He made sure I had lots of Os. And he spanked me! He's very attractive naked, nice smooth skin, big arm muscles with freckles, well equipped down below, and intact! Hallelujah. Taller than me, which is a fun change.

After we'd had lots of fun, and he finished, we cuddled a bit and talked, but I needed to get ready for my pool exercise class. I sure needed a shower first! So he got dressed and kept kissing me and feeling me up while dressing and in the kitchen near the door. I could see he would have stayed for another go. But it's nice to make them leave wanting more!

I couldn't stop smiling at the gym. We've been texting today. He said he had enjoyed hanging out and we should get together again soon. We talked some about sexy fun things we will do once I am tested. We are being so good! haha
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #598  
Old Yesterday, 11:05 PM
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Had my second date with VintageLover today. He'd asked if I wanted to go to Savers again, and I said sure. Pixi is home from camp for a few days, but she was going to her bf's around 2. Her bf probably wouldn't be home from work til 430 but she had work for camp to do on her laptop until he got home. And she wanted to give me privacy with new hot guy.

So VintageLover got here at 1:30. Pixi was in the shower so they didn't meet. We went to Savers shortly after his arrival in his car. He found 2 items and so did I. After we'd walked around a while, I asked something about how often he sees this other woman he's dating, how close by did she live to him? He said, about a half an hour. And then he mumbled something about how she's not too happy he's also dating others.

He had told me on our first date he'd had 2 1st dates with other women recently but there wasn't chemistry.

So, my ears perked up that this other woman wasn't happy with him dating... He said he'd told me that before we met.

I didn't fully understand. I'd thought he wasn't super committed to her because she has a kid and isn't looking to move in with her and be a stepdad. He's only just broken up with his recent LTR! She hasn't even moved out yet.

But apparently this single mom wants him to commit to like, going steady, one and only stuff already. So she's upset... He said he's told her about me and she isn't happy.

So we paid for our items and drove back to my place and had a serious talk.

I just feel that, as an ethical non-monogamist, I can't continue to see him if this other woman is giving him a hard time, and is angry, or sad, or very jealous, because he's not ready to go steady yet (if ever). I explained to him that, just as important as our physical health (STD screens and condoms and all that), is everyone's mental health. I feel too bad for the other woman. And I explained all about being a good hinge, and told him about morethantwo.com. Also talked about the difference between "dating," and actual ethical non-monogamy/polyamory.

I guess he's done quite a bit of dating in his life, but had never really thought about the ethics. I guess he thinks if the other gf is just unhappy with him dating around, she should walk. It's up to her. But meanwhile he was content(?) to keep seeing her, even if she's upset? However, if I'm the first person he's really clicked with, maybe she's more threatened than ever, and the issue is more apparent.

We talked about compersion and jealousy and envy and cheating and honesty and the degrees of affection and stages of elevator possible in a poly relationship, etc. He thanked me for giving him information and lots to think about.

I said I thought we had so much in common and I was looking forward to shopping, and day trips, and eating food along the way, and cooking and just hanging out. And I mentioned I like having a man around the house to lift heavy things once in a while.

Then he asked, what about sex? Could we do sex in this situation? God, this was hard and felt like a sacrifice. Of course I WANT to have sex with him. Boy, do I. He's very attractive, hot in a bit of a "nerd with muscles" sort of way. But I almost teared up thinking of his other gf, a single mom, who I am sure works hard at a full time job, lives alone with her 7 year old, is lonely and horny... now she has this hottie and doesn't want to share.

I can't keep seeing him if she's unhappy. It has to be a joyous yes, or he has to break up with her, or her with him. Til then, I needed to step away. Wah!!! Dammit dammit dammit.

I told him, you're 37, not 27, or 17. You need to figure out how to proceed and not cause hurt to others. He agreed.

We hugged and bid adieu. Hopefully au revoir. Sigh sigh sigh
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #599  
Old Yesterday, 11:21 PM
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Meanwhile I am still talking to at least 2 other men I haven't met yet. And I've had spats with a couple of real assholes who got all mean to me when I questioned their politics and relationship goals.

Of the 2 nicer men, one is 31 and is single and I think rather pagan, gainfully employed, sensitive, handsome, a nature lover. He seems to be ethical from what he's said. He seems to "get me." I hope. We will see. He has asked me out, and we are meeting in my town for dinner on Saturday.

The other one is in his 40s, has a fiancee and a gf. He is getting married in a month. His gf is a Dom to her female sub. He seems really cool and interesting and is easy to talk with. I am not sure if he wants to get together before his wedding or not. haha
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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