Darkeztdoll
New member
Hello,
This is my first post. Glad I found a place to talk to people.
This post is about boundaries and when it is time to compromise on them, if it is a thing you should compromise on.
I have been dating my SO for about a two years now. This is our second go round. We dated monogamously and live together a few years back. This time when we started dating again, I suggested we become polyamorous. He agreed and we have been doing ok since then. When we decided to become polyamorous I created some boundaries for my relationship. I wanted my relationship to be left autonomous. In other words, when he is with me, he is with me. When he is out on his own, he is free to do whatever he likes. I don't want to engage with people he is in a relationship with. I'm pretty anti-social and don't want to create a relationship with someone he is in a relationship with. I have enough friends and I don't want to open my relationship up to outside interference. This is a two way thing, I have relationships with other men, of which, I tell him absolutely nothing about, because, to me it has nothing to do with him.(I know this isn't the most common way most people practice polyamory, but, it makes me comfortable and I feel like I have the right to tailor my relationship to my comfort level.)
About a year ago he started seeing another girl, I'll call her T. This became problematic pretty much immediately. He really didn't spend any major holidays with me, for this past year, opting to spend the holidays with her. I'm ok with sharing time but, I don't like feeling secondary and like an old toy, left forgotten in the bottom of the toy chest. After thanksgiving I had had enough. I tried to pull the plug on the relationship, he convinced me to stick around. We created a holiday/ weekly schedule, that worked for everybody. We spent Christmas together, it was great. Things seemed to be looking up.
Then there was the super bowl... My SO invited me to a super bowl party at his house. Cool, sure, I'll go. The night before he informs me that his best friend, we will call him K, is in town. His best friend is also dating T. K of course will be at the party, but, turns out T really wants to go to this party but, wants me to come anyway. I feel trapped, do I tell my SO I don't want her at the party, effectively keeping her away from both of her boyfriends? Do I excuse myself from the party all together, which makes me seem like a b-word?(I never claimed I wasn't but, I hate being forced to show it) or do I go? And suffer through something that I have specifically said I'd rather not do. He kind of just decided it was time for my hang out with his other girlfriend and just threw it on me. I'm a very strong willed person, who doesn't react well to manipulation or entrapment. All of this went down bad, real bad. I didn't go to that party.
A week later, I receive a letter from T, more like a novel really. She lectured me on how she knows better than me about poly and how I am doing it wrong. She made a laundry list of my SO's crappy indiscretions over the past year, how he blew me off to be with her and not even just her apparently several other women. How half the gifts he had gotten me over the past year where her idea... Just lots of awful stuff I really didn't want to hear about. She finishes it off by saying we should be at least cordial so we can take the pressure off of him to create a schedule that works for us, but, she hopes we can be friends. She wants us to organize parties together to honor how "magical" he is. Excuse me while I barf... So she informs me of how bad a boyfriend he has been to me for the past year(look lady, I knew...) and wants to have a party. I didn't respond. She knows I don't want to talk to a third party regarding my personal relationship. I wound up having some drinks and he came over that night. I told him we should take a break for a couple weeks. I was suffering, I was feeling forced into situations. He agreed until he realized I was drunk then asked me to reconsider the next day when I was sober. I did and I decided to not let this letter sabotage the relationship I have been cultivating.
Since that letter (a couple weeks ago) our relationship feels damaged. It needs some love and work if we are going to keep it together, that is for sure.
A few days ago, he tells me he think we should take a "soft break" for a couple weeks, not to say we won't see each other. He just doesn't want to use our schedule. He says he needs change and for our relationship to evolve. He wants me to be ok with being around T at least in passing. Eventually he wants us to all be present at bigger social functions. So we are both taking some time to consider our future.
I don't want to do this, but, I understand that relationships can be work and you have to compromise.
Compromise is also not all bad. I know if I give him what he wants, I will get something that I want. So far, I figure what will help me to be comfortable is that when we have to go to functions where she will be there, I want it to be "my" night. As in, he is my date that night. Also, in six months I don't want to hear, "you should be friends with T, you guys should throw my B-day party together." Or any other of that type of craziness. I will be cordial, but, like I said I'm anti-social and don't want to create an extraneous relationship orbiting my personal, private relationship.
I guess that's a good compromise, right?
I guess what I am asking, is all this fair, to either of us?
We keep saying repeatedly during these conversations "I love you and I want to be with you but I need ____." It's like a mantra at this point.
Is this type of situation common? I really don't know many other poly people.
Any advice is appreciated.
This is my first post. Glad I found a place to talk to people.
This post is about boundaries and when it is time to compromise on them, if it is a thing you should compromise on.
I have been dating my SO for about a two years now. This is our second go round. We dated monogamously and live together a few years back. This time when we started dating again, I suggested we become polyamorous. He agreed and we have been doing ok since then. When we decided to become polyamorous I created some boundaries for my relationship. I wanted my relationship to be left autonomous. In other words, when he is with me, he is with me. When he is out on his own, he is free to do whatever he likes. I don't want to engage with people he is in a relationship with. I'm pretty anti-social and don't want to create a relationship with someone he is in a relationship with. I have enough friends and I don't want to open my relationship up to outside interference. This is a two way thing, I have relationships with other men, of which, I tell him absolutely nothing about, because, to me it has nothing to do with him.(I know this isn't the most common way most people practice polyamory, but, it makes me comfortable and I feel like I have the right to tailor my relationship to my comfort level.)
About a year ago he started seeing another girl, I'll call her T. This became problematic pretty much immediately. He really didn't spend any major holidays with me, for this past year, opting to spend the holidays with her. I'm ok with sharing time but, I don't like feeling secondary and like an old toy, left forgotten in the bottom of the toy chest. After thanksgiving I had had enough. I tried to pull the plug on the relationship, he convinced me to stick around. We created a holiday/ weekly schedule, that worked for everybody. We spent Christmas together, it was great. Things seemed to be looking up.
Then there was the super bowl... My SO invited me to a super bowl party at his house. Cool, sure, I'll go. The night before he informs me that his best friend, we will call him K, is in town. His best friend is also dating T. K of course will be at the party, but, turns out T really wants to go to this party but, wants me to come anyway. I feel trapped, do I tell my SO I don't want her at the party, effectively keeping her away from both of her boyfriends? Do I excuse myself from the party all together, which makes me seem like a b-word?(I never claimed I wasn't but, I hate being forced to show it) or do I go? And suffer through something that I have specifically said I'd rather not do. He kind of just decided it was time for my hang out with his other girlfriend and just threw it on me. I'm a very strong willed person, who doesn't react well to manipulation or entrapment. All of this went down bad, real bad. I didn't go to that party.
A week later, I receive a letter from T, more like a novel really. She lectured me on how she knows better than me about poly and how I am doing it wrong. She made a laundry list of my SO's crappy indiscretions over the past year, how he blew me off to be with her and not even just her apparently several other women. How half the gifts he had gotten me over the past year where her idea... Just lots of awful stuff I really didn't want to hear about. She finishes it off by saying we should be at least cordial so we can take the pressure off of him to create a schedule that works for us, but, she hopes we can be friends. She wants us to organize parties together to honor how "magical" he is. Excuse me while I barf... So she informs me of how bad a boyfriend he has been to me for the past year(look lady, I knew...) and wants to have a party. I didn't respond. She knows I don't want to talk to a third party regarding my personal relationship. I wound up having some drinks and he came over that night. I told him we should take a break for a couple weeks. I was suffering, I was feeling forced into situations. He agreed until he realized I was drunk then asked me to reconsider the next day when I was sober. I did and I decided to not let this letter sabotage the relationship I have been cultivating.
Since that letter (a couple weeks ago) our relationship feels damaged. It needs some love and work if we are going to keep it together, that is for sure.
A few days ago, he tells me he think we should take a "soft break" for a couple weeks, not to say we won't see each other. He just doesn't want to use our schedule. He says he needs change and for our relationship to evolve. He wants me to be ok with being around T at least in passing. Eventually he wants us to all be present at bigger social functions. So we are both taking some time to consider our future.
I don't want to do this, but, I understand that relationships can be work and you have to compromise.
Compromise is also not all bad. I know if I give him what he wants, I will get something that I want. So far, I figure what will help me to be comfortable is that when we have to go to functions where she will be there, I want it to be "my" night. As in, he is my date that night. Also, in six months I don't want to hear, "you should be friends with T, you guys should throw my B-day party together." Or any other of that type of craziness. I will be cordial, but, like I said I'm anti-social and don't want to create an extraneous relationship orbiting my personal, private relationship.
I guess that's a good compromise, right?
I guess what I am asking, is all this fair, to either of us?
We keep saying repeatedly during these conversations "I love you and I want to be with you but I need ____." It's like a mantra at this point.
Is this type of situation common? I really don't know many other poly people.
Any advice is appreciated.