new here and very confused

lovenloki

New member
Hello everyone :) I am new here, and I have found myself in a situation I don't know quite what to do with. I am hoping people with some experience can help me out :)

My husband (G) and I have been married for 8ish years. About 8 months ago, I finally got him to admit to affairs he had after catching him in many lies. He said he felt he got married too young and missed out on all the 'fun' so he desperately needed an open marriage. I was honest and told I didn't know if I could handle it. But I decided to give it a try. He went out on one date and I knew I couldn't handle it. Told him and he agreed to stop.

Fast forward to now. I thought things had been going pretty good. We were getting along better and things seemed happy. Well then last week he decides to tell me that I can't fulfill all his needs and desires and he NEEDS an open marriage. After fighting almost a week, I put my foot down and said no. I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't do, I gave him an ultimatum, me or other women. He said he refuses to leave me, but he isn't going to stop what he is doing. That I can either suck it up and enjoy this new life of his with him or I can leave.

Now here is where the problem comes in. I actually want to try. The thought of my husband being with another person both excites me and terrifies me. I am not sure I am mentally able to get past the jealousy aspect of everything. How do you do that? How do you even begin to adventure into this life when it is completely different than anything you have even been around?

Now if you read all that, I tip my hat to you and you deserve a chocolate chip cookie. Thanks in advance for any advice :)
 
It really isn't a good place to start from because he has given you an ultimatum and he doesn't seem to be thinking about your needs. You have to decide if the relationship is worth the work involved, can you both build an honest and trusting relationship? Is he capable of supporting you emotionally? Is he behaving in a safe and responsible way?

Having said all that it is possible to move beyond cheating to an honest open arrangement, we did and I'm very happy with my life, but it was a slow and painful process. I can understand your feeling of being excited and terrified, I felt much the same. I really don't know what to say about getting over the jealousy, I think it depends on your situation, but I think having some clear 'rules' helps a lot. Things like a clear commitment to spend (quality) time with you, agreement about sexual safety, you may need him to tell you in advance when he will be out/away and you will need to work out how much you want/need to know about his other partners. I found it hard to begin with, but now (after 4 years) I don't feel jealous and I'm much more relaxed about it.

I think you need to do a lot of talking together about this before you decide what you want. He has been honest by admitting that he has unmet needs but that ultimatum makes me feel uncomfortable, does he see the two of you as a couple or is this all about him? You have a lot of thinking to do.
 
The first thing you could do is go get tested for STDs. I wager your husband has been cheating for years. Go get tested together!

Have a good solid talk about sexual safety.

Read about new relationship energy (NRE) and how it can make your h obsessed with a new love/sex interest.

Some people new to poly take baby steps, set up a lot of boundaries as you get used to the whole idea, and then re-evaluate once you see how the idea plays out in reality.

What, exactly, are your h's needs and desires in pursuing others? What are your needs and desires? How do they mesh?
 
The main thing I found very useful in my first poly-relationship was to get educated on the topic. Learn how this kind of relationship works, what you can expect from your partner, what you yourself have to do to make it work... my personal favorite is the book "The Ethical Slut" by Easton and Hardy, it has helped me a great deal in the beginning, and it has an excellent chapter on how to cope with jealousy.

Next step would be to work together with your husband and find your personal way of handling your relationships with other people. If you're insecure in the beginning, you might want to establish many boundaries, but there's a good chance that you will be able to relax quite a bit once your husband has proven that he honors your agreements and takes care of your needs. Obviously it is essential that he gets educated too - after cheating on you, he has to do some serious work to rebuild the trust between you. If he is under the impression that he can do whatever he wants once you agree to an open relationship, he is not a good partner to start a polyship with.
 
You're going to get much better advice here than I can give. The one thing I will say is... I would be very leery of choosing polyamory because your partner has essentially said he's doing it whether you want him to or not, so you might as well want him to.

To me, that isn't a good reason. You're doing it for him, not for yourself. And you're doing it because as Kernow said, he issued an ultimatum and has pretty much told you that your needs don't matter.

So the only real advice I can give you is proceed with caution, education, and MUTUAL respect.
 
I gave him an ultimatum, me or other women.

Fair enough. You stated your hard limit. You are allowed to express that.

You want a closed marriage with him. He can either be Closed with you, or you guys disband the marriage. Then you are free to seek Closed with someone else and he is free to seek Open relationship elsewhere.

So he has to clarify to you what he is up for or not at this time. People can change over time, you are not a mind reader.

He said he refuses to leave me, but he isn't going to stop what he is doing.

He is allowed to express that he picks Open.

But I'm not sure about HOW he expresses that. Since you cannot be together in a Closed Marriage due incompatible wants...is that like a threat? HE refuses to leave? What's that mean? He will stalker you because he refuses to get out of your life? Kinda creepy if he means it like that!

That I can either suck it up and enjoy this new life of his with him or I can leave.

Was that verbatim? He actually told his wife to suck it up or leave? That's acting out. It is also less than respectful.Combined with past lying, cheating, and now this way of talking to you? What's so great about this present dynamic? :confused:

He's given you his answer. He wants Open. If you want Closed and that's a hard limit? No longer compatible then. Begin the process of a split. Free both of you from this marriage. Stay on your path on that.

If the idea of polyshipping in general excites you, but the idea of doing it with him terrifies you? I do not blame you. He's treated you poorly in the past with lies and cheating.

Could split up with him, and think about polyshipping on your own with other people when you stabilize.

I think it takes a lot of interpersonal and interpersonal skills to manage ethical polyships well. Regardless of what open model style. It also tends to magnify any cracks in existing relationships. Polyshipping is not a bandaid for wonky foundations.

I think it also takes honesty, forthrightness, integrity. I don't get the impression your spouse has these as character traits with the lies and cheating past. What suddenly makes him an awesome candidate to polyship with? What stops him from cheating on his polyshipping agreements like using condoms or whatever else those agreements would be?

Only you know your situation in real life but based on the post? I vote no confidence there. He doesn't sound like awesome poly partner at this time to me. If you have not already, get screened for STDs. Then think out how you want to proceed.

Galagirl
 
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