It will be a month next week since Leo (and his wife) ended our relationship. Most of the time, I am okay. I was sick for some time due to the somatic effects I took on as a result. I deal with things outside of myself and then have to deal with them in my body. It took a few sick days to work through that, and it still lingers.
I have spent time going over everything, rationalizing, being angry, sad and just plain numb, and have come to a place where I just expect it as part of my daily routine.
A text from Leo last week set me off again into sadness, tears, anger and disbelief. I wish he wouldn't make me care about him. Love him. Of course every song says something about me, or him, or the situation. There is one right now that went viral at the time of our break-up that will always be a reminder of how I feel.
I know others go through this. In fact, many poly people go through almost the same types of break-ups. I can rationalize it to death. But I can rest easy, knowing that I am not alone and people understand. I can be really clear with myself that it's over and I need to move on, but in my heart I am unable to yet. I doubt I ever will move on. I still hold onto thoughts of people from high school who I had something happen with.
I feel as if my heart opens up to people and I trust that they will love me, regardless. When I find they don't, and take that vulnerability as a tool to hurt me, then I close them off inside myself, as a way of protecting what I knew about them, protecting their memory. The thing is, I forget, as a result, and as I still love them, I get confused about what happened to begin with. It's not rational, yet I never really have been, when it comes to love. Once I love someone, it's for life, regardless of what they put me through and what I put them through.
I wonder what he is going through. I wonder if he thinks about this, at all, whether or not he has regrets and remorse. My only regret was not listening when he told me that he could not offer me the relationship I was used to and requesting. It's unfortunate that my requests were seen as selfish. But, considering the history he has in terms of experience and his own requests, I can see how I might be seen that way.
Telling people what your needs are and making requests is not selfish. It's wise to make sure people know. It's communicating. The thing is, we could not fit what the other wanted. We should never have gone there in the first place. We should've walked away. If we had, this would never have happened. I wouldn't be hurting now, and all the stuff that comes along with us being together would not exist.
I love my partners. They all feel badly. No one is happy with any of it. We are all sad. I am sorry I had any part in causing that. I feel really badly that I caused anyone to feel sad.
The bottom line is, I miss him.