I don't like my metamour :(

Its making me think of the times one of my friends would begin dating someone new and we (their social circle) would all get a bad impression of their new interest. Some of us would ask things like "geez why are you dating such a idiot/db/loser?" only to hear:

"When its just us, they are so different."

This can be a whole new ballgame when it comes to poly. Some people experience anxiety over the idea of the friends of someone they really like not approving of them. With poly, it isn't just the friends but also other partners - people they could easily worry might judge them poorly intentionally no matter how much they try to make a good impression just to get them out of the picture. Perhaps its similar to meeting the parents that think no one is good enough for their baby? There they are trying so hard to make a good impression that they become someone entirely different.
 
Sometimes our partners selection makes s curious mirror to observe. Which in turn may Make us wonder.. If him..why me..

That resonates to some degree. Ours is not a tight knit group because of geography for the most part. That he is so different from me is certainly one of the reasons that she probably likes him or appreciates him. As she would say, a different flavor of ice cream.

But yes I don't understand why she likes this particular flavor. I think this may be where some of the jealousy kicks in.

(deleted) Comparing is not a good idea. Comparing is not a good idea. Comparing is not a good idea.
 
But I also didn't care if he chose to go do things with her-so long as i wasn't dragged along.

OK, yes, it bugs me that she wants to spend time with him. In my previous post I started to catalog all the ways we are different but I realized that it was filtered through my insecurities. That is, we are SO different in so many obvious ways (that I won't list) she must actually prefer those things because, for me, I couldn't stand it for a minute.

But comparing is a bad idea.

Dean
 
My 2 guys are so opposite it is unreal.
One is goofy and geeky, one is popular and well liked.
One tall one short

One dark one fair (hair and skin)
One extrovert one introvert
One logical one emotional
One video game addict one book addict
One immature and silly one mature and serious
One dominant one submissive
One outdoorsy one NOT into ANY outdoorsy studf
One vegetarian by preference one red meat by preference
One anti killing animals one avid hunter and fisherman

(getting a mental picture?)

I love them both. They struggled a lot with understanding. But reality is I am more eclectic and open in my interests. I love all of these contradictory things. Lol. I prefer to eat vegetarian but i love going hunting. I love the arts and i love outdoors activities.

And there are things neither of them are interested in, like mt biking, kayaking, singing, playing piano that I also love...

It is misleading to assume that one or another is preferential. In fact, even sexually, one is usually soft and tender, the other rough and tumble. I crave both.
 
I generally have no involvement with N's other partners unless I already knew them from before. If I didn't like someone it wouldn't really matter since I would never see them.
 
Worst case scenario...

My boyfriend's wife has a lot of hostility and prejudice towards me. Tommy, our shared partner, doesn't talk to us about each other. She and I only interact at parties. We used to try and communicate via text and email, only to find it created more problems. There's still tension but we've set new boundaries and everyone is in an okay place now.

My best advice is to keep it superficial. If you don't like this person, don't force yourself to for your partners sake. Let their relationship be separate from yours and don't stir the pot unnecessarily.
 
There's no reason that "it's just me" can't also be "something I need to talk to her about." The key is that you're sharing your feelings, not asking her to stop seeing him.

A metamour whom you don't like is not different than a partner's friend whom you don't like. No one's asking you to go out with them, so don't worry about it.

All grown-ups should be capable of acting civil when in group situations with people they don't care for. This applies to friends of friends, friends of lovers, lovers of friends, and lovers of lovers. It also applies to your boss and that weird guy in cubicle 3B. And boy, does it ever apply to mothers-in-law.

I would suggest letting your partner know, tactfully, that you'd prefer not to spend time with the guy. Make it clear that you have zero objections to her spending time with him, you just don't want to participate. There will be situations where it's pretty much unavoidable, but New Years and her birthday only happen once a year.
 
Poly Drama

Interesting thread! I'm going to jump in with some of my thoughts,

I am sharing this based on the view of a couple considering themselves as the primary relationship.

One of the phrases that is used a lot on poly dating sites is "no drama" meaning- we are looking for a partner or partners with no drama. I think this is an important concept when it comes to talking about not liking a metamour.

I think the first part of this is to decide what is unacceptable drama for us? Take time to define it and become somewhat clear about it so that when it comes up there will be a frame of reference. So from now one when I use the word drama I am not defining it for you - you have to define it for yourselves and the definition itself can evolve through time.

Simply not liking a metamour could be a variety of things.

It could be:

Mirror stuff- you don't like them because they remind you of yourself and it's almost a competition because you are so alike

Shadow stuff- you don't like them because they have traits that you actually have but you have disowned those traits within yourself for some reson so therefore you are uncomfortable with seeing those traits in someone else.

You perceive that they are hurting you- which in reality could be that they are just "being themselves" Or........they could be intentionally trying to hurt you.

In most cases people are just "doing their own thing"

Richard and I have a "three strikes you're out" approach to drama between one of us and a metamour and it has worked pretty well for us.

We have good communication between us, so when a drama happens with a metamour, we work in seeing if it can be resolved with cooperation from the metamour.

If it doesn't seem to be something that can be resolved, we discuss and see if we agree that this was in fact what we would consider unacceptable drama that has negatively affected us and our relationship. and if we agree then we have a......strike one.

If that process is repeated two more times then the relationship is ended- period.

We consider that we have a primary relationship and it is the most important relationship to us.

And - from the other side- I would support this view if held by a couple I am dating and they were perceiving me to be causing drama in their lives. Seriously- who wants that?
 
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My boyfriend's wife has a lot of hostility and prejudice towards me. Tommy, our shared partner, doesn't talk to us about each other. She and I only interact at parties. We used to try and communicate via text and email, only to find it created more problems. There's still tension but we've set new boundaries and everyone is in an okay place now.

My best advice is to keep it superficial. If you don't like this person, don't force yourself to for your partners sake. Let their relationship be separate from yours and don't stir the pot unnecessarily.

How do you manage this? Does he not bring her up, at all? My boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate/work around how much or what we discuss about his spouse, and perhaps i need to just say "not at all" but feel that could be unfair to him
 
How do you manage this? Does he not bring her up, at all? My boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate/work around how much or what we discuss about his spouse, and perhaps i need to just say "not at all" but feel that could be unfair to him

If what my partner is bringing up is their other partners hostility to me or some other topic that is bringing me down, I should think that "not at all" is perfectly reasonable. I want to treat people well but not at the cost of my happiness.
 
If what my partner is bringing up is their other partners hostility to me or some other topic that is bringing me down, I should think that "not at all" is perfectly reasonable. I want to treat people well but not at the cost of my happiness.

my trouble is, i have difficulty discussing her at all. (and it'll be interesting if BF weighs in on this since hes now on the site)
 
my trouble is, i have difficulty discussing her at all. (and it'll be interesting if BF weighs in on this since hes now on the site)

More of a general insecurity issue? Is it your desire to have more of a don't ask don't tell arrangement?
 
In this case yes, dadt might be good. I'm actually very secure in our relationship right now, but there is stuff about her that bothers me a lot so it's hard to hear about her
 
This is strange thread for sure

but not in a way I can't put my finger on, as I often think personal experience gives me a different perspective.

To the original post PolyAus, no, not liking your metamour does not mean there is no hope, not so long as you can be adults about it. However living together -- even in your commune has several dwellings -- wouldn't be as easy to make it work if you were practicing the flavor of poly that is more like two separate non-overlapping relationships. People here call it a Vee, and to be honest when the the legs, arms, branches -- whatever you want to call the partners of the hinge (metamours) -- have the least interaction the easier it will be.

If you read around, there are metamours who have been a part of a Vee for quite some time and have yet to meet face to face. For that type of situation it would take some serious effort or a lot of denial to have the not liking your metamour be a problem in your relationship.

Living in a poly-complex housing will require a little more maturity, which requires honesty which yourselves and each other. Due to the emotions of intimate relationships it would likely require weekly, maybe daily -- or possible only monthly -- some time spent in self-reflection. Being human, who are emotional creatures, as we live our daily lives will never be able to always behave 100% honestly and we often justify or rationalize our behavior during the times we are immediately behaving

most people call it living in the now

but with ten or fifteen minutes weekly, in reflection we can see much more truthfully, and on occasion we will be able to recognize when we made a mistake. As after the fact -- in reflection -- we are capable of seeing the truth if we choose to.

If you really don't like your metamour and want to live in the same poly-complex, it will require honesty in reflection and the maturity to promptly admit the times we were out of line.

If you can do that, there is hope in communal living for whatever label or dynamic you choose to practice
 
CageyCate

I can relate to your preferred flavor of poly, and that is why something rings of misunderstanding

if not and maybe it is because so much of what happened in your story is a black box of mystery to us who don't know you personally. But pride often gets in the way of understanding, especially when all parties involved view themselves as being wronged, or otherwise more in the right, and when until each side fully understands the truth of what happened, there isn't likely to be any resolution. I say "truth" because when things are black and white and one side of the dispute is the innocent victim, then one side tends to be more of a vindictive asshole, and if that's the case your husband would have to be the epitome of the stereotypical male people refer to when they call males "dogs"

and from your writing that isn't the impression I received in reading your words. I don't know what happened, or what bad information or wrong assumptions led to their relationship bringing such a great deal of pain and unpleasantness, but typically when it looks like the metamour is that cold and callous as well as unapologetic with no hints that anything is going to change the fact that your husband is still considering any sort of friendship or interaction is the tell tale sign of a misunderstanding.

a common one is not identifying the relationship as open or otherwise non-monogamous, which I have seen happen when poly-people's friends are not familiar with poly, a traditional friendship can that eventually becomes sexual leads to such misunderstandings. The worst type of misunderstanding happen when a non-monogamist denies their Primary relationship is "open", but that is the extreme end of the spectrum and only your husband, yourself, and the ex will be able to figure out where the misunderstanding took place
 
Sparklepop

As well as everyone else, hopefully this has all been resolved by now, but the quick route to solution is to be emotionally honest with her husband and this is the type of honesty that is best understood in person when they can see your eyes, because if he sees what his behavior is doing, and doesn't understand how he needs to change and what that change entails -- when you inform him of how his behavior makes you feel -- it means either that he does not care for you in the genuine manner he seems to proclaim or possibly he is incapable of truly understanding what it means to love another person that they are not sexually involved with without some sort of a value trade system

commonly known as using another human being

which isn't love so don't let him fool you into thinking he is not attempting to use you for something

If he cares about you, he won't want you to be experience the emotional stress that is a result of his behavior (either that or he serious psychological disorders because such behavior would take some serious playing of him on your part, and that doesn't sound anything like what you are describing)
 
as for the numerous other hypothetical situations

which I can only imagine, having never had any real life experience in similar happenstance, I would imagine that it wouldn't even take someone not liking their metamour and there could easily be no hope for any of the relationships.

When human beings loose sight of what it means to be human, and justify what is wrong action taken against other, the malicious occurrences and deeds can be so subtle and destructive, that it only takes moderate levels of passive aggression exbited by others which can single handedly obliterate even the strongest of polyships, and when positions of power are abused the destruction can even be completely undetected, which is a sad state of affairs indeed
 
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