left out of the NRE

purpleboots

New member
Hi again, so I posted a couple months ago about a meeting with my partner G's fwb, H, with whom I had also had a sexual relationship at one time. Since then, the relationship has progressed into a full blown triad and she is basically living with us. I know, I know, it was probably not a good idea to move so fast. When H first started staying over every night, all three of us were having sex often, she and G were having individual sex and she and I were as well. Since then, things have progressed to the point where threesomes are no longer happening, she and I haven't had sex in two weeks, G and I have had sex a couple times and I feel inadequate and boring compared to her, and like he'd rather be having sex with her, which he has acknowledged he would. They are caught up in crazy NRE right now, and I feel left behind and rejected. I know my envy/jealousy isn't rational, I'm trying to work through it but its HARD. Harder still that H is still quite seductive with me but clearly would rather be with G and becomes frustrated when I am present, making it difficult for her to have sex with G without hurting my.feelings.Half the week there is only one safe bedroom as we live with 3 children (the two older.ones only half the week) so there is no space but where I am often already asleep to have sex. My son, the youngest is nearly two and demands a lot of my time. I am also pregnant and feeling pretty hormonal. I want to feel ok when they have sex and I am out of the room, taking care of the baby, the house etc... I want to be able to spend the night in the baby's bed and give them some time alone in the bedroom. When I do, I have a difficult.time sleeping and I can hear them and its very painful. I just want it to stop hurting, I know its complicated. FWIW H and I have been spending lots of time together during the day while G is at work and get along great. She is very warm and loving towards me, sometimes seductive and we are compatible friends. When G gets home she can often be very moody and I feel as though she is frustrated that she can't have him all to herself, plus all the complicated unicorny stuff of course.I know its in my hands to own and deal with how I'm feeling. I just want them to be able to have as much sex as they want without feeling bad about hurting me. I read all the jealousy literature and still nothing is helping. Insight anyone?
 
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know dealing with NRE sucks sometimes, and the envy/jealousy you're feeling is very normal. Almost everyone here has had to deal with it, and it's often not easy during the NRE phase. Have faith that it WILL subside. In the meantime, some honest and frank communication with them can go a long way. You have to make it known that you need a little more attention.

It may even help to develop a schedule, and have her leave the house every now and then for you and hubby to reconnect. Sometimes during NRE you have to be insistent, and the others have to make a determined effort not to ignore your needs.

Hang in there. Post as often as you need.
 
Thanks for the reply. H has been good about giving G and I time to reconnect, actually. I think that what hurts most is that SHE doesn't want me in the same way that she wants him. He and I are pretty solid. I can't MAKE her want me, I can't even really ask her to. Bah. I really appreciate the support here, you guys are great.
 
Also scared that things will be similar once the new baby comes in June and I will be left nursing a newborn, not sleeping, no time and they will just be carrying on in their little bubble without me. Ugh I'm so insecure and pregnant right now. G keeps saying I should just 'kick her out' once the baby is born, I don't like that solution at all, but the pain seems unavoidable. I want to power through it. I want to learn and grow with it.
 
What is the intention once the baby is born? You say this is a full-blown triad. Do all three of you intend to share parenting responsibility with the baby? If so, then they definitely need to back off on the sex and help you as much as they can. If not, you'll become resentful, and even more hurt, and that's certainly not a healthy environment for you or the baby.

Some frank conversations with them are needed, I think. If G was really being serious when he mentioned kicking H to the curb, you guys need to have some serious heart-to-hearts about what the plan is. Having a baby is not the time to be having a tumultuous living situation.
 
You're right, we all need to talk about what the plan is. When we discussed her moving in, starting to pay rent here in May, I mentioned (warned?) That living with a newborn is not easy, but that's as far as the conversation went. She is currently in a sort of 'aunt' or family friend role with the kids, its too soon for her to be a 'new parent' to them, I think. It's not at all weird for them that she is here all the time, they are used to lots of adults around, their mom had roommates, etc.. We also cosleep, with a bassinet in the room, but the newborn will be in our bed most nights, she is aware of that too. I don't think she is expecting to/wants to totally coparent, but has been very helpful with the kids thus far. I'm.sure this is all very intense for her too, she is in her early 20s and was up until now not considering a family, living a typical free-bird, partying young student lifestyle. Now, seeing G, the man she loves, with his children, she is feeling her ovaries twitching, I'm sure its very overwhelming for her. I've been there, I went through a similar experience when I myself met G, he tends to have that effect on our childless peers. I joke that if he were a superhero he would be procreation man, inspiring everyone he meets to reproduce. They always use protection, G does not want to impregnate her anytime soon, in case youre worried... Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm also feeling a little less at sea knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not failing at poly.
 
You're definitely not failing at poly, you're kind of getting the short end of the stick though I can see that G and H are both putting forth some efforts to help. NRE can be quite a drug and can impair people's judgment. Increase the amount of communication between you, G, and H if you can. Let them know what you're feeling and why. Maybe they can't fix all of it, but maybe they can help with some of it. Let them express their feelings as well and be a good listener.

I hope things will get a little easier, and that you'll keep us posted here and let us know how we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yesterday started off wonderful. H and I lazed around in the morning, had great sex, took the baby to the pool. We made dinner for the family, H and G went out with some friends. I felt appreciated, not left out, safe, good. H has been more affectionate with me the past week and warmer with me when I'm upset and its made a huge difference. They got home around midnight last night. I have a cold and was having trouble sleeping but wasn't even bothered by listening to them have sex on the pullout couch in the living room right outside my bedroom door. I was proud, feeling some compersion, all good stuff. They fall asleep in the living room and, still not able to sleep, iu venture out t dispose of the condom so the kids don't see it. There is no condom. They didn't use one. I know he came inside her, I heard it. She is likely ovulating. Wtf. Seriously, Wtf. I can't trust them, H might be pregnant. I'm not ready for that. The kids arent ready for it. G had a condom, were they trying? Without taking me or the family into account? The brief conversations I had w them this morning lead me to believe they were intending to get her pregnant. G overslept and missed the school bus. They drove the kids to school, wouldbt let me drive because of a snowstorm and my emotional state. I want to talk to G but he is at work and was being evasive and defensive this morning. I'm losing my mind over here. Bah
 
I don't really think you can make a call as to whether she chooses to reproduce or not, your mutual partner obviously has, but he has chosen to choose to either take the risk or reproduce. Either she has full and equal rights, which includes the right to reproduce or her needs and desires are second to yours?

What is it?
 
Well, its only been two months and obviously, its not my decision, but it seems a little soon. My co-parent G agreed to practice safe sex and then didn't. I realize its not up to me and I have to accept that I may end up living in a situation that is too difficult for my to handle. I don't think.its unreasonable.to feel like I should ve included in such a big decision that will alter my life permanently. I understand the reproductive rights aspect of this situation. I dont get to make a call about what they do with their bodies, they are free to reproduce if they want and I am free to leave. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lose my family. I am a stay at home mom of toddler and two half time stepchildren. I don't have a lot of resources. I'm scared. I'm confused. I feel betrayed.
 
You are already pregnant (due in June), mothering a toddler, two stepchildren, and they are possibly trying to conceive right NOW?! Space is limited as is, and they are trying to add another little tiny being to the mix? Are they bloody serious? In what alternate universe does that make sense? Oh sweet baby Jesus. Yes, it is her body and her right, but at some point you have to slow down and take a hell of a lot of things into consideration. Children are expensive, and they have a lot of needs. They never ask to be born into chaos and dysfunction, which is what this is right now. You cannot turn them off when the NRE dies and fades. You are not just left out of the NRE. You are being left out of important familial decisions that will adversely affect you, your life, and the lives of your children. Oh my goodness. If you were to decide to leave, is there anywhere you can go? All of this stress is not good for you or the baby. :(
 
I can't imagine that uprooting my life and going on social assistance or moving into a women's shelter is better than staying in this difficult situation. I have considered it. I don't have enough work experience or a strong enough skillset to get a good job right now, nor can I even really fathom it with a new baby on the way. I want to make it work. I was.just sooooo not ready to cement this triad so quickly. We are still working out all sorta of kinks in the dynamic, which is normal, and I think its going pretty well, but this? It's too much. Our home isn't even really big enough for the baby to come once she moves to her own room, but manageable. Another baby? No way. Two infants in a three parent five child hpusehold? Crazy! Obviously, the fifth baby is still hypothetical but, my god, what were they thinking? We needed to talk first, not deal with a surprise pregnancy because they were caught up in the moment. I am meeting G for lunch this afternoon to talk. It won't change what happened but at least I can find out how he feels. I had a nice conversation with H, but I worry I will get too emotional w G and he will shut.down or feel attacked. Gonna try to keep a level head.
 
The problem is, when you make stupid mistakes (like moving a partner in after two months) you will end up paying for it, in one way or another.
Triads are unpopular for a reason, it always goes tits up in one way or another, you are just experiencing one of the many ways. I am sorry about that :(
 
Triads are unpopular for a reason, it always goes tits up in one way or another, you are just experiencing one of the many ways. I am sorry about that :(


Triads don't "always go tits up" (is "tits-down" supposed to mean something was successful?), but you don't see people in "successful" triads posting about their problems on forums and asking for advice from strangers how to make it NOT work.

I see two problems with most of the "tits-up" triads:

First, everyone is "equal", but someone(s) is/are always more "equal" than the other(s).

And second - when it is a FMF triad, the problem usually centers around making babies (I say "usually" to mean "when the women are of childbearing age and don't have any yet").

So yeah, since most of the cases of triads we see on here usually involve those two ingredients to a significant extent, they usually "always go tits-up". :rolleyes:
 
Triads don't "always go tits up" (is "tits-down" supposed to mean something was successful?)

No.

but you don't see people in "successful" triads posting about their problems on forums and asking for advice from strangers how to make it NOT work.

Good point, I am definitely only referring to FMF triads, MMM,FFF,MMF triads tend to work better, why? I dunno....but if I was just talking about people on forums that would be true, but IME even people who choose not to talk about their problems on forums, it still go tits up, sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes a while.
Thing is, I don't know any live in, equilateral triad to last much longer than the NRE does in real life or online.
 
Hey purpleboots,

Sorry to hear about this latest SNAFU, it sounds like G and H are making a rash decision. If you're already expecting, then you could end up with two infants in the house. That's two very-high-maintainance human beings.

If it's not too late, if H is not pregnant yet, then now would be the time for them to switch back to safe sex and do so quickly. I don't know if talking with them about that will help, but I hope it will.

I don't keep track of relationship stats and configurations, and my experience (outside my own MFM V) is limited to forum experience, so I'm not qualified to say what the failure rate is for FMF triads. Off-hand, I can think of two that seem to be going pretty well, one that changed into a "V," and three that went "tits up." :) That is, the one female partner broke up with the original couple, but the original couple stayed together. I actually think FMF triads are pretty popular in terms of how many people try to attain them, it's why we have terms like "unicorn."

I think the best thing is to concentrate on your own situation, rather than judging how it's gonna go based on how it's went with other people. Certainly you have a crisis on your hands. We don't know how that's going to turn out. More communication is needed. Agreements need to be stuck to (doesn't mean they can't be re-negotiated from time to time).

I hope your situation improves.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin. I am focusing on my situation and not whether fmf triads 'tend to fail' or not. Went and talked with G this afternoon. Nothing is resolved. I don't feel better. He agrees that its crazy and rash but was pretty unapologetic. I don't know what I expected. He says he still loves me and wants to just take things one day at a time. I don't know.I feel like crap. I always end up leaving these conversations feeling like an irrational malcontent who just makes problems for herself. I don't want to leave, but maybe I have to. I don't know what's best. I am unhappy and anxious more than I want to be, but will that be any different when I am living alone on welfare with a toddler and an infant? No. I don't think that 'i.just couldbt help myself' is a reasonable excuse. He didn't promise not to do it again and I know I can't trust him to. I don't know, maybe I am a malcontent. Or maybe my baby brain is just trying to nest and finding it very difficult. He says I'm always like this, that its always something. Maybe that's true. Or maybe its just that his threshold for accepting stress and difficult interpersonal relations is just higher than mine and I keep ending up in situations that make me uncomfortable. I can't take feeling like this anymore though. I've been cryjng all day and I'm so tired.
 
I don't think you're being unreasonable. He shouldn't be going about "making a baby" when a baby is already on the way. And "I couldn't help it" is a terrible excuse. How much responsibility is he going to take for this additional baby if it indeed arrives? Are you expected to take care of both babies? It just doesn't make sense, and H shouldn't have gone along with it either.

Sorry you're in a tight spot, where there's no good solutions. I would think just about anyone would be "malcontent" if they were in your shoes. You'll just have to try to weigh what is the least stressful available road for you to take.

One thing to consider is that even after G and H have one baby, they may immediately go and make another baby. How many babies will there be before they can "help it?" Perhaps G should get himself snipped if he's determined to go down this road.

Sorry, hon. I don't envy your position. :(
 
You have a short term problem -- this "oopsie" thing. It was just today/last night? If the goal is to be not pregnant -- are we not talking about her taking ECP to prevent implant? You are still in the window. You don't have the time to "take it one day at a time" with preventing pregnancy.

G is being careless in not wearing a condom and so is she -- allowing sex without protection with all these kids and crowded living conditions.

Deal with that first.

Then you have what appears to be the longer term problem.

He says I'm always like this, that its always something.

There seems to be a lack of boundary keeping here and accountability.

Rather than making it be about your feelings -- how about making it be about behavior done/not done here?

Shared agreements kept/not kept by him?
Shared agreements kept/not kept by you?
Shared agreements kept/not kept by her?

And the consequences? Are you each willing to be held accountable to each other or not in this triad?

Galagirl
 
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Yeah, i don't say this too often, but i think people should not be allowed to reproduce however they want. I realize that i am not the one qualified to determine who should and should not reproduce, but so many people do it for the wrong reasons, and they're not even equipped to take care of themselves, let alone one or more totally helpless and dependent creatures who did not ask to be brought into existence.
 
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