Staying Connected to Your Partner Whose Away

Candiedlove

New member
Was just looking over the Poly Vignettes thread, noticed was a new story, and that spurred this thought.

What do you do when your partner is LDR or just away for a long time, or short time, or however long?

Some of the things that have helped a lot (and are cheap and don't involve actual travel to visit each other, though that's best of course!):

1) Skype Video chat (or anything similar). Sometimes (though too often and I think the appeal might wear off) he keeps the video up, to watch me fall asleep. Or if I wake up early to chat with him and want to go back to sleep afterwards, he'll just watch me sleep. It actually feels absurdly comforting.

2) A daily "Good morning" and "Good night" text

3) Sending pictures of each other doing normal (non sexy) stuff throughout the day, especially positioned so that I can visualize myself in them (like he sent one of him on the couch, with a view that I would have if I were lying in his lap)

Any others? I'm usually with him now, but a little nervous that things will change for the next few months and looking for other ways to stay connected...
 
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When I was in the LDR with Guy, we called each other or at least texted or instant-messaged several times a week.

That was pretty much it; I tried to get him to sign up for Skype, partly so we could talk "face to face" and partly because he has an autistic son who needs to *see* the person he's speaking to and so refuses to talk to Guy on the phone, and Guy kept "forgetting" to do it.

It's a non-issue now, anyway. But to be honest, with Guy I preferred it being long distance.
 
When Chops is with Xena, he's about 1.5 hours away, so we do have our rituals when he's not home with me. We tried Skype, but it ended up leading to longer conversations, and it felt like he was taking away from the time of the person he was supposed to be with (sucks wanting to go to bed and falling asleep because his Skype chat with Xena took almost an hour).

What works for us is a good morning text, followed by a phone conversation on the drive into work. A quick call or two around lunchtime, a quick call on the drive home, and then another call goodnight. The calls on his drive or around lunchtime don't impact his time with Xena, but it still makes me feel like I'm being thought of and made time for.

Of course, reality strikes and the lunchtime calls are pretty sporadic (my occasional lunch meetings, or me teaching spinning class, or him having a work offsite), but it's nice to have the opportunity.

Your mileage may vary, of course. :)
 
We talk. Not every day, but a couple or 3 times a week. Usually when his wife is busy with other things/away from the house. I like to talk to her too, and sometimes there are 3 way conversations which are a ton of fun since she and I are such good friends too.

We text. Too much sometimes. (3 hour text conversation last night when I should have been sleeping!) And picture texts are really important. Just that little vignette of what you are doing right then. I wish he would do it more, but I definitely do it a lot.

We email. I get into trouble with long form communication - too easy to write novels and then get into TL;DR. But it is good for sharing new articles or other things we've read. And for planning.

We play a "with friends" game on our phones (each turn just takes a few seconds, but you know they are thinking about you :) all through the day)

We plan for the next two or three visits. Since we see each other every month right now, we are starting to talk about New Year's. It is good to have that kind of long term thinking going on.

We read the same book. One book has been the topic of conversation for over a month now, he is the slowest reader of us all, and his wife and I have been finished it for sometime, and waiting (not so patiently) for him to catch up so we can talk about the ending! I'm looking forward to us picking something new soon. Something less dense this time!

And we watch some of the same shows on Netflix. Either at the same time and on the phone with each other (or all of us), or at different times and then talk about them.

I can't stand Skype, so none of that for me. But with so many other ways of staying connected... idk, I never feel far from his thoughts. LOADS of NRE still helps that, of course, lol.

Anyway, there are lots of LDR "hints" on the interwebs. Just search for them. Some will work for you (the TV and book ideas came from there, and they work really well for us) and some won't. But they are all worth a try!
 
We play Words with Friends. I like that. Reading a mutual book is a good idea!
 
There's Google chat ... Facebook chat ... etc.

Email is my personal fave.
 
My partner lives an a little over an hour away with his wife and kids. We text a lot. Good morning and good night texts and or check in are essential for us. He spends two nights a week together. On those nights we make sure he has half an hour or so to call the family. His wife and I are good friends and occasionally lovers so she and I talk or text regularly. Keeping lines of communication open is key. We also schedule time for us girls about once every 6 weeks depending on schedules. She is very understanding about he and I having time to talk when we are apart. I find it helps that she and I are close enough to tell the other when we need specific focused time to talk with him when he is with the other one.
 
When I am away from Boo-Cake, I do the good morning/good night texts along with random pictures and memes of some of our favorite things...

Boo-Muffin and I send each other pictures of the food we're making for the day (or food in general) and sing each other random songs by texting each other lyrics...haha
 
There's Google chat... Facebook chat ... etc.

Email is my personal fave.

We text, FB chat, kik, Skype, and Words with Friends chat. All in same day. Email would be overkill :)
 
I think it is less about HOW (there are so many apps and different media to use now) and more about quality. Connecting with little moments in each other's lives, and just knowing that you are in each other's thoughts.

That's why I really like sharing things that we would share if we were in person, like books and TV shows. We can't go to the theatre together*, but we can watch a show on demand at the same time.

* I typed that and then realized I HAVE actually done that. My daughter was living away at school and feeling bad, so we picked a sappy movie, and found a theatre in her city and one in mine where they started at about the same time. We talked on the phone until the previews were done, and then called each other as soon as the credits rolled. It was pretty cool.
 
Last year, when the boys were off traveling for a few weeks, they each left me a worn T-shirt, so I could fall asleep smelling them.:p Every few days we would txt or have a short phone conversation (I really don't like talking on the phone).

Later, when I was on a road trip with a friend of mine, I would usually call or txt each night and let them know where we were and what we had done that day.

When MrS and I travel without Dude (early on, or "family things" that he decides not to attend) I usually call once a day and the two of them might talk or txt a few times.

Lotus lives about an hour away. At least one of us usually txts with her most days. She and Dude talk a few times a week? (She doesn't really like to talk on the phone either). If one of us is staying with her for the weekend then we might touch base with the others once or twice - usually by txt. (i.e. "Likely home after dinner on Monday.")

NOTE: this is actually a fairly LARGE amount of contact for me...I might talk to my friends once every few months and see them once or twice a year, if that. If my mom hasn't heard from me in 3-4 months then she might call just to check in.
 
If I were in an LDR, I'd probably be happy with communicating once or twice a week, either text or phone call. I don't get why so many people need daily good morning/goodnight messages. I need my alone time, so that is not my thing.

That's what I thought too. Then I was in one in my 20s, and it imploded from lack of contact. In my 40's I'm more careful about making sure we are on the same page, that we're connected. It doesn't have to be hours every day, or at prescribed times, but it does - for me - have to be every day.
 
we picked a sappy movie, and found a theatre in her city and one in mine where they started at about the same time. We talked on the phone until the previews were done, and then called each other as soon as the credits rolled. It was pretty cool.

I love that idea! Especially as we like the same kind of movies (we went to the same one twice now and will probably go a third time, if possible).
 
If I were in an LDR, I'd probably be happy with communicating once or twice a week, either text or phone call. I don't get why so many people need daily good morning/goodnight messages. I need my alone time, so that is not my thing.

Oops, this isn't an LDR :) Just, due to various circumstances, we can't always be in the same bed at night. I've never actually done an LDR; physical touch is just too important to me. And I need to be in their presence often (I'm sort of okay with being away for a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks, but ideally, I prefer just a few hours of alone time a day).

I also live "alone." In quotations, because my living situation is a bit complicated, but I do technically live alone. So I get all the alone time I need that way (so long as I don't have a roommate). And, because I sense I'm more of a physical touch person than you, I don't count texts as being "with" them in the same sense as if they were next to me. For me, I can get a text and still feel alone, because I don't have another energy in the same room. I always feel that I can put my phone down and the person goes away (of course I warn them that I won't be attentive to the text conversation for a bit).
 
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Oops, this isn't an LDR :) Just, due to various circumstances, we can't always be in the same bed at night.
Oh, I must've misread. I thought you said it is temporarily an LDR.

. . . I do technically live alone. So I get all the alone time I need that way (so long as I don't have a roommate).
Yep, so do I.

And, because I sense I'm more of a physical touch person than you, I don't count texts as being "with" them in the same sense as if they were next to me.
If you are talking about the Five Love languages book, my primary love languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time - in that order, and actually Physical Touch is at something like 78 to 80% for me. I would never consider a text like being with someone. I need physical contact and quality time spent together in my relationships and wouldn't be in an LDR if it was my only relationship. I could do it if I was getting physical contact with others, though. The thing is I don't need those things every damn day. It would feel oppressive to me if anyone expected that from me.

However, I thought this thread was about how much contact people needed/wanted when away from their lovers, not their every day situation. So, if a lover of mine was away for any length of time, I would love to hear from them about twice a week. More than that would be icing on the cake, but I wouldn't need that level of frequency. I just think that people need to be able to live their lives without feeling obligated to check in. That would not feel like Quality Time to me, if someone was getting in touch just because I demanded it or to prevent me from pouting if it didn't happen.
 
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Oh, I must've misread. I thought you said it is temporarily an LDR.

Not sure I can clarify this, without getting more into my personal life than I'm comfortable with. But it's not an LDR, in the sense that he and I live in separate places and rarely see each other.

Just that I sense that our traveling schedules won't align as perfectly as they usually do, and we may be apart for up to a week or two at a time. That's not been very common lately. Closer to two to four days apart.

The thing is I don't need those things every damn day. It would feel oppressive to me if anyone expected that from me.

Oh, I absolutely recognize my neediness. I specifically seek partners with similar relationship needs. It works because 1) He is just as needy as I am, 2) Yes, he needs alone time, but, like me, he gets plenty without him ever (okay, maybe not EVER, but seriously infrequently) having to turn me away when I want to spend time with me, and 3) He's good at multitasking, i.e. chatting with me and several other people at the same time, and I don't mind sharing so long as I'm getting attention.[/QUOTE]

However, I thought this thread was about how much contact people needed/wanted when away from their lovers, not their every day situation.

Well, originally it was supposed to be more of a "Creative Ideas to Support LDRs." But threads take on a life of their own! :)

Oooh, and also. I think for casual lovers, I would feel differently, too. But for a primary partner? I would need very frequent contact. Which is why I don't think I could support more than two or three long term partners. And I could only do so if that person also had interest in/was supported by my other partner(s). It's impossible for me to maintain network style poly (where everyone dates separately), knowing my relationship style.
 
I suppose I'm a "less contact" type of guy. Not that I mind an email here or there, but two a day would be plenty, one a month would suit me fine, and I hates texting and chatting.

Just sit me in front of Polyamory.com and I'm content. :)
 
I used to spend almost half of my time overseas running my business. It was pre-internet so all I could do was all my wife every night and talk about things and how much we missed each other. The final solution was brilliant. My wife invited her best girlfriend into our bed and lives. It was a woman I had known even longer than my wife did, and always flirted with. We had chemistry between us since we were teens. Now my wife had a friend to keep her company when I was gone. The very weird part was that they never had sex together unless I was part of it, so while they kept each other company, they were not sexual until I got home. :) At least my wife had someone to be with.
 
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