I don't know if I need advice, or just a place to vent. I've been married for 9 years, poly for 3, and with my current bf (A) for over two years. A's wife, B, is also married to another man, though they are long distance and will be for the next few years. They visit together a couple times a year for 2 - 8 weeks at a time. When he comes here, he lives with A and B, and B spends most of that time sharing a bed with him.
A and I started seeing one another at B's suggestion a little over two years ago. All three of us had been friends for years--we'd have family outings together with our kids, invite one another to parties or over for dinner with some regularity. When A and I got together, it started as just something fun, but it's now quite serious. Last Summer when B and her long distance husband had a commitment ceremony, my husband and I were invited, and at one point, I showed affection for A and B saw it. Later that Fall, we were all at a party together among friends and I was affectionate (not overly so, like, touching his head or squeezing his shoulders, or sitting next to him). After that, A told me that I was not allowed to show affection for him in front of her anymore. It made her too uncomfortable. I dialed it way back for the next visit, and barely spoke to A for the entire gathering but it wasn't enough. B does not want to be anywhere anymore where A and I will be in the same location. She's too uncomfortable.
A and I used to take small vacations together -- like one or two nights away every few months. Recently, he came over late one evening and slept here till 6am, then went home. B got very upset and said she felt "neglected" despite the fact that it would have been time he spent sleeping at home anyway. So -- no more overnight visits or trips.
Last night he came over for the evening, and brought his own soap. He can't use my soap anymore because if he does, then he might smell like my soap, and it's a reminder that he's been with me.
He keeps reassuring me that these problems have nothing to do with me, personally, but B's own insecurity.
B and I used to be friends. Good friends. She was one of my favorite people to talk to. We chatted frequently on facebook and had fun hanging out together, and even sometimes talking about all our relationships. Now, I feel like I'm banned from her life, and A is banned from even the slightest whiff of me. We're only allowed to see each other during times when he'd normally be out anyways. (He goes to a nearly-weekly meetup with friends--including my husband, but leaves early to come see me. If he didn't leave early, he'd just stay with his friends.) Asking to see me at any other time results in passive-aggressive moping on B's part, for lack of a better term.
I feel like A has been slowing cutting back, paring away at our time together and reducing my presence in his life, to try to assuage B's fears and insecurities. It hasn't worked. It's just resulted in a need for more cutting back.
He swears that he does not want to end it, and won't end our relationship, and that B would never ask for that. I believe him, but I don't know how to deal with the sadness of losing B as a friend and with seeing my relationship with A reduced to a few stolen hours a month.
I don't think I can fix this, I just get to accept it, or end things with A, which I don't want to do. Then I'd have lost two friends.
I'm angry, though, and I want to vent and talk it out with someone, but there's no one. I want to tell A that he and B need to get to a good poly-friendly couple's therapist and work on the issues they have. I'd go if they ever wanted me to, too. Maybe there are things I'm doing that I don't realize are hurtful. I don't know.
Thanks for letting me vent.
If you have advice, I'd be happy to hear it.
Thanks.
A and I started seeing one another at B's suggestion a little over two years ago. All three of us had been friends for years--we'd have family outings together with our kids, invite one another to parties or over for dinner with some regularity. When A and I got together, it started as just something fun, but it's now quite serious. Last Summer when B and her long distance husband had a commitment ceremony, my husband and I were invited, and at one point, I showed affection for A and B saw it. Later that Fall, we were all at a party together among friends and I was affectionate (not overly so, like, touching his head or squeezing his shoulders, or sitting next to him). After that, A told me that I was not allowed to show affection for him in front of her anymore. It made her too uncomfortable. I dialed it way back for the next visit, and barely spoke to A for the entire gathering but it wasn't enough. B does not want to be anywhere anymore where A and I will be in the same location. She's too uncomfortable.
A and I used to take small vacations together -- like one or two nights away every few months. Recently, he came over late one evening and slept here till 6am, then went home. B got very upset and said she felt "neglected" despite the fact that it would have been time he spent sleeping at home anyway. So -- no more overnight visits or trips.
Last night he came over for the evening, and brought his own soap. He can't use my soap anymore because if he does, then he might smell like my soap, and it's a reminder that he's been with me.
He keeps reassuring me that these problems have nothing to do with me, personally, but B's own insecurity.
B and I used to be friends. Good friends. She was one of my favorite people to talk to. We chatted frequently on facebook and had fun hanging out together, and even sometimes talking about all our relationships. Now, I feel like I'm banned from her life, and A is banned from even the slightest whiff of me. We're only allowed to see each other during times when he'd normally be out anyways. (He goes to a nearly-weekly meetup with friends--including my husband, but leaves early to come see me. If he didn't leave early, he'd just stay with his friends.) Asking to see me at any other time results in passive-aggressive moping on B's part, for lack of a better term.
I feel like A has been slowing cutting back, paring away at our time together and reducing my presence in his life, to try to assuage B's fears and insecurities. It hasn't worked. It's just resulted in a need for more cutting back.
He swears that he does not want to end it, and won't end our relationship, and that B would never ask for that. I believe him, but I don't know how to deal with the sadness of losing B as a friend and with seeing my relationship with A reduced to a few stolen hours a month.
I don't think I can fix this, I just get to accept it, or end things with A, which I don't want to do. Then I'd have lost two friends.
I'm angry, though, and I want to vent and talk it out with someone, but there's no one. I want to tell A that he and B need to get to a good poly-friendly couple's therapist and work on the issues they have. I'd go if they ever wanted me to, too. Maybe there are things I'm doing that I don't realize are hurtful. I don't know.
Thanks for letting me vent.
If you have advice, I'd be happy to hear it.
Thanks.