Why??

Because they are bringing other people into their unhealthy dynamic that is why. I couldn't care less what a couple do between themselves but she is advertising for an equal third partner after finding a V doesn't work for them, why didn't the V work I asked myself? So I read this thread, because she was jealous and felt left out.....their response? Find a flaming Unicorn. Yes that is a jolly good reason to be hard.

If it was stated in the advert that this might be entirely experimental on her part, I would not mind so much but it doesn't and what happens to the sparkly Golden Unicorn if she finds out that a) She can't love another person and B) That she is not Poly?

I think that is a very valid question to ask.

I can't speak for the OP'r, but my feeling around her situation is that her husband wanted to open up their monogamous relationship. She loves him and has struggled with her feelings around this new dynamic. She is asking why SHE is the one that needs to do all the emotional work to save their marriage, versus her husband that can easily slip into polyamory. So, she tries to explore some of her ideas/fantasies with bi-sexuality and making it all work (yes, with a unicorn).

So the struggling 'mono-wired' spouse is the one at fault? I see her doing more work (from what we've been presented) to find a solution than her partner here. He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it.
 
He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it.

Two wrongs don't make a right Vicarious, she had a hard time dealing with her husband being poly yes, but don't you see that it is easier for her to use a woman as a possible experiment and possibly hurt her, than hurt her husband by asking him to be monogamous? This nameless, faceless Unicorn is just a tool so she can avoid jealousy issues. It's not right.

And she is SO mistaken if she thinks a unicorn will solve that particular problem anyway....SO very mistaken.
 
Re:
"He just gets what he wants and she is left struggling with her emotions around it."

Which is still the case even if this "unicorn idea" works out. She's still the one that has put in all the emotional work to wrap her mind around it. (Not to speak of the work required by "the unicorn.") But it looks to me like he gets it pretty easy as long as he wants to be polyamorous, she wants to be monogamous, and yet she finds some way of accepting him being polyamorous.

The original question for this thread is, What's she getting out of it? and, Why would she put up with this? Does plugging a "hot bi babe" into the equation really answer those questions? I mean as it stands, tamlvscarl feels both monogamous and heterosexual. Leaving not much for her to look forward to except more hard emotional work at best.

I guess the resulting question is, Does one consider it worth it to make great sacrifices in order to keep one's husband, even if one's husband is the one who has it easy?
 
Because they are bringing other people into their unhealthy dynamic that is why. I couldn't care less what a couple do between themselves but she is advertising for an equal third partner after finding a V doesn't work for them, why didn't the V work I asked myself? So I read this thread, because she was jealous and felt left out.....their response? Find a flaming Unicorn. Yes that is a jolly good reason to be hard.

If it was stated in the advert that this might be entirely experimental on her part, I would not mind so much but it doesn't and what happens to the sparkly Golden Unicorn if she finds out that a) She can't love another person and B) That she is not Poly?

I think that is a very valid question to ask.

Except this thread came about AFTER her looking for another woman.

And what of the adults making their own decisions based on open communication? Something like, "my husband and I are exploring polyamory, and I have some interest in women. I'd like to find a person as friends first, get some comfort, and take it from there?"

It's not that I don't understand what you are saying, it is just that I see her having a hard time with polyamory. Where is the support for her, instead of focusing on the 'unicorn' thing?
 
She had support and advice, she wasn't on this thread today updating it with details of the work she has been doing on making herself secure, she updated the Unicorn thread, that is how I found this thread today.

And of course I believe in communication but none of that is on her ad, the only mention of the past is
It is really hard meeting anyone especially in our area. We were in a 3 year “V” relationship and after trying to see if we could make that into more it failed and ended badly

Was the 'more' trying to force a triad?

I mean as it stands, tamlvscarl feels both monogamous and heterosexual. Leaving not much for her to look forward to except more hard emotional work at best

How ethical is this for either woman? Will this even be disclosed to the Unicorn?
 
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Re:
"How ethical is this for either woman?"

With full disclosure and mutual consent, I guess it's their call. But as you said ...

Re:
"Will this even be disclosed to the Unicorn?"

No idea. Actually I'm confused because I thought tamlvscarl kind of gave up on the "unicorn idea," but now she's decided to maybe give it another go?
 
Nope her ad is top of the thread list. Actually it is a new one.
 
A new one?? :eek: Wow ...
 
I don't think its any forum members job to be "hard" on people they disapprove of.
 
Sorry, don't mean to be hard on the person, just was a little surprised/confused? Oh maybe I misunderstood, maybe it's not a whole new thread, just a new post. I can see that.
 
I was referring to Natja.
 
Oohh ... hee, sorry :eek:
 
The thread looking for someone was old, not new. And my partner was updating it, looking at it not me. He doesn't kno I posted this thread.
 
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?

Unfortunately, we can't change who we are or how we feel. Even as a poly person, I feel jealous sometimes. And I have to work on it. I have to dig down and find the reason for my jealousy and talk it out with both my poly partner and my mono partner. But, if the situation makes you so unhappy and causes you to suffer so much, are you sure that it is worth it to stay in the relationship?

Please believe that I am not trying to convince you to leave your SO, because I'm not. This is something my partner and I had to work through together. Things changed for us when he found someone and could understand how someone could be in love with more than one person at a time.
 
Good post Abebi.

Re (from tamlvscarl):
"The thread looking for someone was old, not new. And my partner was updating it, looking at it, not me. He doesn't know I posted this thread."

Okay; thanks for the clarification.
 
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