Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-12-2011, 08:16 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I had a "trust and intimacy" gauge. A date wouldn't fill it up, it would just add a little bit to it. And time passing would slowly decrease it, and feeling resented for the lack of sex would drain it fast. And it needed to be full before I'd want to have sex.

With this in mind, I'm sure you can understand what I mean by "you might never be able to do it". I wouldn't be surprised if I would have needed a reset of maybe a whole year of strong intimacy, trust, etc, before I was back to normal. I would have had sex before that every now and then, but at this stage having sex drains the gauge a little too. Only when it's full or nearly full does sex increase the intimacy and trust, if it's too soon it decreases it. As a result it would have taken a really long time.
And there is no way he could have been fulfilled the whole time, yet that's what I needed.

Tonberry, that's really profound stuff. Honestly, I think there is a lot of truth in there, as regards how a woman's mind works (hope that doesn't sound sexist). Thanks for that.
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2011, 10:05 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

mmmmmmmmmmmm, coffee............

OK, now that I've lubricated my brain.....

I have the higher libido is both relationships. It is far from easy.

Masturbation helps immensely. It helps relieve the sexual stress I feel within myself so that I'm not quite so demanding on my partners which relieves the over all stress.

Breathes and I talk about it occasionally, just to make sure we're both on the same page.

Others on this thread have suggested other forms of sex to help relieve the pressure. If your guy isn't feeling sexy, aroused, then the other forms probably won't help. We've talked about it and Breathes' POV is that if he's not feeling in the mood then giving any form of sex to me isn't going to work because he just won't be able to function in that capacity.

For me sex IS all in the mind. If I'm feelling sexy, admittedly it doesn't take much for that to be, then I'm ready, willing and able to perform. If Breathes is feeling attractive, sexy then the odds are really good that some form of sex will happen. We're still experimenting with things which will enable him to feel more amorous more often. Those things which DON'T work aren't counted as failures, they're counted as a learning experience and we go on to try something else.

I would STRONGLY suggest the therapy. Check with your doctor and the local United Way. Your Doc may have some resources, or know of some, which you haven't thought of or know of. Here the United Way supports the local councelling services and offer a sliding scale payment plan based on your particular situation. If you're students your college/university might have some free services as well.

Another thought......have the two of you thought of maybe becoming secondaries to each other? It might not hurt to at least talk about this option. It might take some of the pressure off of him to be 'always' ready to perform and it would maybe give you the 'permission' you need in order to become emotionally attached to other partners.

Growing up most of my friends were male. My 15 y/o son has mostly female friends. He's learning it's not easy to handle having a partner who has more opposite sex friends than same sex but he's LEARNING.

Just because you have more male friends doesn't mean you're sleeping with every one of them, does it? Just because he has more female friends doesn't mean he's sleeping with each of them, does it? We, as human beings, NEED socialization. Socialization gives us that feeling of being wanted and needed, it gives us a chance to use our brain for more than just sex. In my mind socialization is one of the basics NEEDS (food, clothing, shelter & socialization).

Tonberry was right in so very many ways.

Lots of food for thought and ideas. Good luck.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!

Last edited by Breathesgirl; 04-12-2011 at 10:07 PM. Reason: grammar, call me a stickler
Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2011, 11:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by Sandy View Post
The problem is, he has problems with sex. It's always been difficult for us to have a sexual relationship because he doesn't initiate sex, is never dominant, and had really bad experiences with past girlfriends and was even abused by a stranger one night while a cop just watched across the street and didn't help. Since the beginning, we have had many ongoing periods of celibacy.
I have spoken with friends about this in the past. And this is an area where I think many people assume there can even be equality. Dominance is sometimes natural for people, as is submission. It may not be lazy that he wants you to initiate, he may be wired that way (when I say wired, it could be anything from up bringing to something natural inside of him)

So how do you fix that. Unless this is caused by some underlying issue (stress, work, life) there isn't anything you can do. Except accept your role as the initiator and start taking advantage of his weakness (ok thats meant with an air of sarcasm)

Have you explored fetish or kink? Have you guys talked about things that excite you honestly. Maybe he has things in his closet he wants that dont' fit the normal mold that will get him all charged up too. Sex is usually far more complex than bumping pelvices.

In the last year, we just don't sleep together. It's been 1-4 times a month at most. It has become especially bad because he developed a nasty rash on his penis and balls and feels really self-conscious. Many times before, he has let me know that he was having trouble and could I not touch him or ask him for sex until he says it's ok, which I have agreed to. He never really makes it clear for me when it is ok again which is part of our problem.

The last two or three weeks were one of those times when he was feeling bad. After trying to wait patiently for so long, I broke down crying. When he was confused about why I was upset, he told me he thought he had let me know it was ok for me to initiate sex again because we had had sex a few days before (I thought it was just a one time thing and he thought that was saying "Ok, I'm fine now" without actually saying it).
You guys are communicating differently. You gotta figure this out. You have to come up with clear tidbits that help. If he thinks he is clear, and you are reading him wrong. That is neither clear or read correctly. The ball is in both of your courts to figure it out

This is a comical poly story but one I tell. This kind of relates to this although it is abut threesomes. I knew of a triad who could only have sex if all three were interested. But between confusion and lessons the three of them could never actually communicate their desires. They come up with a plan, 3 candles. If all 3 lit, sex was on.. if one was not lit, sex wasn't.

Now The essence of the story holds true. At least they knew when everyone was in the mood. The reality of that threesome story is a lil different haha

So then, his reason for wanting to remain poly is that he doesn't want to hold me back from having sex and doesn't want to feel pressured to "take care of me" in that way. I am feeling SUPER jealous because our arrangement is so that we can both sleep with other people, but the thought of him with someone else fills me with feelings of inadequacy, rage, and helplessness. I feel not feminine enough (especially since he is very feminine and so are his girl friends), not sexy enough, just not enough.
Thats a tough one. How can you fix that. Him being with other people may excite him overall. May help him feel more masculine and give you more of what you want.

But would you be able to accept that knowing some of the renewed excitement comes from being happy in poly?

When he does finally initiate sex, I feel like it's "now or never" and sometimes just force myself to do it even if I don't want to. I hate the pressure. Sometimes (very rarely) he'll just roll over in bed and poke me with his erection and I get so disgusted with him because he's not willing after all that time to take the time to seduce me. I've started to resent him when he jacks-off (which I never had a problem with before) because I feel like he's taking an opportunity away from me.
sounds like a guy to me. Not the most romantic or inclined guy... but a guy none the less. Was he ever the initiator? The romantic? The guy who swept you into the bedroom? Or did you see the advertisement, accept what he was and now want more? If he is suddenly less romantic I would be asking why? What happened to change it. Work, life stress? We all go through it, and stress is a huge factor in how well the penis works...

Masturbating and sex are different. Ok I say that for me, because he might be looking at it that way too. Self Masturbation (I say self, because phone sex, skype etc become sexual) is relief. Like urninating.

If I am allowed to sleep with other people, he should be too, right? But I feel like I am being forced into an agreement where he can sleep with others INSTEAD of me and I HAVE to seek people outside of the relationship to get my sexual needs met.
*shrugs* not everyone believes that. Some do, some don't. You guys have to decide what you consider fair yourselves.

It's not fun for me to sleep with other people anymore because we don't want each other to get emotionally attached and feel feelings of love towards people outside our relationship, but I feel cheap when I can't have a deep connection with the person I am being intimate with. I see sex as a sacred act and I feel like I'm not allowed to when I'm with others. I have to treat it cheaply when I'm with someone else, otherwise I'm betraying my boyfriend whom I love.
So... ummm... you want to be poly, but you don't want to be poly? The point to poly is the love.. which for a lot of us includes sex. If you don't like casual... and don't want sex without love.. and can't love outside of the relationship... then you need to figure out where you can bend a bit.

I am getting really depressed about this. I need sex but feel so guilty when I look at other men. We were talking marriage for so long, and now I don't know how it can work without me having a second boyfriend who I'm allowed to love. Again, that is outside our "comfort zone" or agreed-upon "boundaries".
To be honest, I would say at this point. Make sure your primary relationship is strong. IMO successful poly comes from people who have a stable relationship and find others to love... how very hippy of me.. but its true. The concept of finding a jig saw puzzle of a lover to fit the needs your other partner can't meet, is flawed.

I don't want to lose my boyfriend, he is my intellectual friend, my buddy, my companion to travel through life with. I love him so much. But this is so unhealthy to my psyche. I feel like I either have to sacrifice my morals and just do it with whoever (which just makes me feel disgusting to even think about), pressure my boyfriend constantly (which is awful because I respect him and wouldn't want that for either of us), or throw away my beautiful relationship because I need sex.
Ok, I am going to table something that may be.. ummm.. against the grain.. What if you looked at some kind of non-monogamy that was couple inclusive. Swinging or something similar. You would have that deep connection with your bf, and he would be there, while you enjoy sex.

You are already beating yourself up about needing to love outside the relationship in order to find sex. The reality of poly is it allows you to meet people in ways you couldn't do in monogamy. It isn't about sex, or anything really. It gives you the ability to meet people and see them as available and talk to them in that way instead of feeling confined by monogamy.

I only started beating myself up when I found out I really could love two people. I didn't even believe it was possible. And I don't believe it is for everyone. Poly may not be the answer either.

Oh, also, he doesn't want to be monogamous because he thinks that means he's not allowed to have friends especially since he usually has woman friends and he said he'd probably be jealous of me having friends because I usually have guy friends. I feel like my safety blanket has been ripped away and that I'm never going to be able to be monogamous with him.
Well thats just idiotic. ... so in order to have close friends you need to be non-monogamist... thats kind of screwy. Lots of insecurities popping out there.

I've suggested counseling (although we barely have the money to eat and have bills in collections) but he's so reluctant to even discuss it as an option.

Please help, I feel like we're falling apart.
hmmmmm... sounds like a massive amount of stress, wonder if he is feeling emasculated because he can't hold up the house? etc... its amazing how quickly the penis can't work when life is sucking the wind out of your libido...

You two should just sit down and work on the root of your problems. Figure out the CORE reasons why sex isn't working and go from there. I would personally ignore the poly talks for now and figure out whats going on with the two of you first. Maybe you will decide to breakup. Who knows, but wouldn't you rather give it a good chance than start bringing in other people who will complicate things even more.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 07:52 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Hi, Sandy!
A lot of people have already written a lot of sensible things to you. I'm just going to repeat one (before I get onto some things that nobody else seems to have said yet...): I agree with everybody who says that what you have isn't polyamory. Call it swinging, call it an open relationship (although it doesn't seem all that open to me). I have an alter ego called Mister Pedant Man (A Super pain in the arse) who lurks around this board and who would tell you that the "amor" in polyamory means love (in several languages), not sex. Unless you allow each other to relate emotionally with others, it ain't polyamory.

In one way, you seem to be closer to polyamory than your boyfriend because you recognise that - for you - "If it ain't got emotion, it ain't worth a fuck". But you also have issues with jealousy:
the thought of him with someone else fills me with feelings of inadequacy, rage, and helplessness
and it's you who are asking for (a period of?) monogamy now. If you ever are going to have a polyamorous relationship, you're going to have to work on that jealousy.

OK, on to the new stuff: There's a book in German entitled "Krankheit als Weg" by Ruediger Dahlke, translated as "Disease as the Language of the Soul" (I suppose that it's the same book, but they might be 2 books by him in the same series - the title translation isn't exact.)

I haven't read the book, but several friends have talked about it. And I gather that the basic premis is that often (not always?) physical diseases are trying to send you a message about your psychic state.

I wonder if your boyfriend's genital rash is trying to tell him (and you?) something about him? It might be as simple as "I don't want to have sex right now" (which he tells you +/- pretty directly anyway).

[I had a girlfriend who used to get terrible genital yeast infections. Whole areas of skin would peel off her genitals, it was itchy to the point of crying-painful, and sex was out of the question until it cleared up. I sometimes think that it might have been connected with her history of incestual abuse as an adolescent. She had therapy about this later. We haven't been in close contact recently. (We live in different countries and she has made clear that she also wants emotional distance from me - in fact, I also wonder if she wanted that while we were together...)]

Another possibility that occurs to me is that your boyfriend is (subconsciously) escaping from intimacy with you: not just physical imtimacy but emotional intimacy as well. Take the following paragraph and substitute "intimacy" for "sex", and "intimate" for "sexual" and see if it strikes a chord with you:
The problem is, he has problems with sex. It's always been difficult for us to have a sexual relationship because he doesn't initiate sex, is never dominant, and had really bad experiences with past girlfriends and was even abused by a stranger one night while a cop just watched across the street and didn't help. Since the beginning, we have had many ongoing periods of celibacy.
Please understand me: I wouldn't presume to say that this is the question... but I think that it might be helpful for you and your boyfriend to carefully consider the possibility. [I have had enough second-hand experience with therapy - and this is something I know about myself, without going through therapy - that if your (or your boyfriend's) first reaction to the idea is: "NO! No way!!!".. you ought to consider it even more seriously.]

If not... well, maybe I've just been wasting my time (and yours).

Hope you get all this sorted out!
Reply With Quote

jealousy, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:28 AM.