Just LR

I find that I don't WANT to make the effort to make friends. Because I keep realizing that the people I'm opening myself to, are more committed to being comfortable and accepted, than they are to being honest and real.
Present company excepted, I hope! I know that it's only a fledgling on-line friendship (so far), but I do hope that we're being honest with each other.
It's so emotionally taxing that the only people who I don't feel that way with-who aren't family (my family and Maca's are totally accepting) are in the lower 48 or other countries.
(my added underlining) Oh, so there's hope for me after all...
Today, Maca gets a series of texts telling him that this person is reluctant to get "reattached" to us (due to our relationship issues & that we are planning to move)........

We're talking about a FRIENDSHIP first of all.
Second of all-if you are reluctant, why are you repeatedly inviting us for more time to spend face to face "strengthening" the friendship.
Third-why didn't you bring that up before someone else started having a temper tantrum.

I really like this person. I like the fact that they are cool with kids being around (have one of their own)... I like the conversations we have.

But..... I just cant' get past the apparent lack of full honesty.......
2 possibilities occur to me:
a) Your "3rd person" is interested in more than "just friendship"... and your making clear to the meddling tenants (MTs: hey! just read that out loud...) that you're not looking for more has cooled that interest.

b) You're a stronger person than this person, and they can't deal as firmly with the MTs as you can. (The MTs do seem to be the sort that keep picking at old scabs again and again, but maybe the 3rd person is new to this particular tantrum... Added to which, they all live under the same roof! Hard to avoid frequent contact.) ITC (In this case), practice patience with spineless scaredycats who have some redeeming features. (But tell them - and the MTs - that you won't stand for a lot of this nonsense!)
On top of ALL of that-I've addressed this issue NUMEROUS TIMES since last June with this person and her SO. That in fact the 3rd party whom I have a tentative friendship with-is JUST A FUCKING FRIEND.
I do so hope, Muh Deeyah, that you didn't use exactly that choice of words! Talk about contradictory messages...
 
Ok Mr,
that last line was just hysterically funny.

In truth the 3rd person is potentially interested in more, and I'm sure you haven't been able to read my blog THAT FAR BACK-it'd take you a year! But, she knows that am potentially interested in more with her as well.

HOWEVER-not right now.

I'm a...
....
...
needy lover (for lack of a better word).

I don't want a lover if I can't see them at least a couple times a week EVERY WEEK as a rule of thumb.
This person is available for a face to face visit a couple times a month if I'm lucky.

I can do that limitation with FRIENDS - but I'm not interested in doing that with a lover.

As for the MT's-well, I honestly think that the issue is that THEY are interested in more with her AND with Maca. They aren't getting more with EITHER-so they're frightened and intimidated by our "budding" friendship.

One of the things that struck me was the comment about "new relationships".
This isn't a "new" relationship. We've been building this friendship since June of last year!

And the she in question does happen to be a more.. conservative person in the sense that she isn't as outspoken as I am by half. She did set down some boundaries so to speak after the fact (which I found out about after I wrote on here). I'm just a bit... more outspoken and to the point, she's more polite, gentle and likely to nudge where I'll toss ya off the diving board. ;)

As for friends, I am quite honest-sometimes brutally so I've been told.
And yes,
I seem quite capable of making friends online.

I honestly think that part of the issue is that people are more willing and able to be honest online (with their REAL lives in anonymity) than they are in real life. If you know what I mean.

That's fine-until you are face to face. Then it gets a bit complicated. :rolleyes:
 
As for friends, I am quite honest-sometimes brutally so I've been told.
And yes,
I seem quite capable of making friends online.

I honestly think that part of the issue is that people are more willing and able to be honest online (with their REAL lives in anonymity) than they are in real life. If you know what I mean.

That's fine-until you are face to face. Then it gets a bit complicated. :rolleyes:
Soooooooo............. let's see how honest we can be with each other (but not necessarily brutal, you know how I feel about BDSM:(:eek:) when you come to visit. Keep practicing the long walks with SourPea! You got any mountains to practice on?
J
 
Lame weekend.

Maca cancelled our Friday date on account of his room having a twin size bed and both of us having back pain.

He came out today to pick the kids up. We sat here together (the two of us) for an awkward and stilted couple of hours. Now they're on the way to town.

Today is 18 years for GG and I. He's on call for work and has to go out later to do some work stuff. No plans.

So-just a lame day, lame weekend, lame week.

Suffice it to say, I'm not looking forward to the rest of the month either.
 
*WARNING!! TMI about time of the month issues*

Thanks. I had a nice talk on the phone with my mom today. GG is working on printing up my mom's invitations to her graduation (college), so she can send them out this week. She's pretty excited.

Unfortunately, my sister brought it to my attention that my stepmother sent our oldest son a FB message. Told him that my dad and her deposited money in his bank account (bday gift). That would be fine, except they neglected to even call the younger son for his bday (in February) and we have always had a TIGHT rule on playing favorites particularly since we have a "his, mine and ours" household. It just creates animosity between the kids.

Soooooo, now there's this stupid mess to talk about. :(

Maca told me Thursday that the reason he doesn't talk to me is because I always want to talk about "problems"...

I'm so frustrated. I don't want to talk about problems. It's just OUR JOB TO RESOLVE the damn problems in our family, how the hell do we do that together if we don't talk about it?

I feel like sitting down to cry. I'd go take a bath, but the hormones FINALLY got around to starting my time of the month and the idea of sitting in icky water.... well that's icky. :(

I don't know what to say to Maca right now.

I understand we need time to "just be" (which is what our Friday nights are supposed to be, "date night"). But, there's also a lot of fucking shit that needs to be dealt with in order for our family to be able to get on track together. PLUS all of the NORMAL day to day b.s. that has to be negotiated and handled in a family....
What the hell am I supposed to do? I just don't know.

I don't feel like I can say ANYTHING now. If I say ANYTHING-it's going to relate somehow to a "problem" we need to deal with... but the other option is to "surface" the conversations into 1st or 2nd level (reference from The 7 Levels of Intimacy book by Matthew Kelly) of intimacy, which is basically worthless in terms of a deep meaningful relationship.

I admittedly feel pretty fucking hopeless right now regarding our relationship-which in turn impacts everything else in my life.

It's GG and my's anniversary. But, honestly, what I really want to do tonite is have a drink, curl up in my sleeping bag and go to sleep.... by myself. I don't feel like being someone's lover. I just want to be alone.
:(

That doesn't seem so fair to GG. But, it may be what I do anyway, because it's my job to take care of me right?
 
Hmm. LR, first of all to say someone is "always" doing this or that is obviously an exaggeration. Of course, that's not all you talk about, but you are the manager of the household, a 24-hour job, and need to discuss things with your partners.

And besides, you don't have to hold back and censor what you need to talk about just because Maca is uncomfortable with hearing it. At the risk of sounding kinda funny and convoluted, his problem with your "always" talking about "problems" is just that -- his problem, but he's tried to make it your problem, as if you now need to change your behavior. But that's a passive-aggressive way to get out of the responsibility of listening to you, truly hearing what you have to say, and doing what needs to be done. I don't think he did this purposely, he's probably just not comfortable with consistently looking at issues, I guess.

But really, as long as you communicate clearly and lovingly, you shouldn't have to change a thing. Why doesn't he try changing his perspective and approach to hearing what you need to tell him? Since he is the one who sees your need to discuss important family and relationship matters as a problem, I would say he's the one who need to work on it.


((((BIG HUGS))))
 
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I don't believe that there's much point in saying I'm in a poly-relationship anymore.
Maca has acknowledged to me today that he is in fact distancing himself from me and pulling away from me. He says it's because he doesn't want to see (or hear about) my relationship with GG.

I'm hurt.

Our conversation ended when he said, "I don't rape you every day". Yes, that's true. But, I don't cheat or lie every day either. In fact I haven't done so in 18 months and he's acknowledged that he has continued to struggle with being fully honest with me.

He doesn't see the comparison, I can't not see the comparison.
It's beyond destructive for me that he continues to excuse his past mistakes by saying that he doesn't do it anymore.
But, he can't forgive me my past mistakes even though he knows I don't do it anymore either.

I don't see any way to resolve our differences. I've searched and attempted to find ways that I can change to make things easier for him. I've tried to help him find ways to learn to deal with me.

But, the bottom line is-he hates GG. He believes he has every right to hate GG, which is true. I believe that hating GG is only destroying our lives, which is also true. There's nothing left for me to do.

After he sped out of the driveway this evening, leaving our kids in emotional upheaval again, I texted him that from now on we can make exchanges of the kids somewhere else, but I don't want him to come back to the house or driveway anymore.

My heart is broken.
I have lost faith in relationships.
I have lost faith in trying.
I've lost hope.

If it wouldn't be more devastating for the kids, I'd end the relationship with GG as well. I simply don't want to have a romantic relationship at all. However, I think that GG and I can manage to terminate the romantic relationship without him having to abandon the family. So, that is what I intend to do.
 
WTF??? What happened? I thought you two were moving toward some sort of better, more mindful place where things were being repaired. Wasn't that the point of moving out, making all those lists, working on stuff together and separately?

How can he hate GG after he saw the good things he did for the family when your daughter was having her baby? Didn't Maca praise and express appreciation for GG when he saw what a stand-up guy he is?

What could have caused this turn-around, I wonder? Do you think he's being influenced by someone with poisonous opinions?

Omigosh, I am so sorry, LR!!! But don't make any decisions now, really, you're in no state for decision-making. Just be. I wouldn't break it off with GG if I were you, he has always been so supportive, don't leave yourself dangling with no one.

(((((((BIG, GIANT HUGS)))))))
 
My heart is broken.
I have lost faith in relationships.
I have lost faith in trying.
I've lost hope.

If it wouldn't be more devastating for the kids, I'd end the relationship with GG as well. I simply don't want to have a romantic relationship at all. However, I think that GG and I can manage to terminate the romantic relationship without him having to abandon the family. So, that is what I intend to do.

Oh fuck, this is bad.

Distance & time. Don't make life-altering decisions right now. If you break up with anyone at this point it might be hard to take back later.
 
I'm so sorry, LR. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. Right now a real life hug would be amazing. Don't get me wrong, the kids rock at giving them random (and kisses) but it's not really reasonable to break down and sob on your kids shoulder.

WTF??? What happened? I thought you two were moving toward some sort of better, more mindful place where things were being repaired. Wasn't that the point of moving out, making all those lists, working on stuff together and separately?
That's what I thought too. But, he started pulling away and distancing himself from me-beyond that. He cancelled our date night Friday. Blew off the goal meeting Saturday. I asked him (in tears) yesterday about it, told him it felt like he was shutting me out and I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
He informed me that he was shutting me out and that he simply doesn't want to see or hear anything about my relationship with GG.

Near the end I was telling him that I understand how hard it is to let go of the past and forgive someone so you can move on because I had to decide to do that with him. I had to face the fact that to be with him meant accepting and forgiving completely, because every day it's his hands that touch me, the same hands that raped me, his body, his face, all the same that raped me. If I didn't actually face down the whole thing and work through every issue, there's no way I could have come back to him all of those years ago and spent all of these years with him.
He got vindictive and spat out at me, "Yeah, but I don't rape you every day." I shut the door and he sped out of here, truck spitting gravel in the air.

What I didn't say was, "You're right and I haven't cheated, lied, or dishonored you in any way since September 25th, 2009. But, I'm still suffering the punishment of your hatred."

How can he hate GG after he saw the good things he did for the family when your daughter was having her baby?
I guess you'll have to ask him that. In my opinion the answer is becuase it's easier to hate GG than it is to admit that he's responsible for his own life and if it sucks, it's his own fault. If his relationships are failing, one after another, it's his own fault. It's easier to blame the scapegoat (GG) then face that he's choosing to destroy his life.
BUT-that's just my opinion.

Didn't Maca praise and express appreciation for GG when he saw what a stand-up guy he is?
Yes, yes he did.

What could have caused this turn-around, I wonder? Do you think he's being influenced by someone with poisonous opinions?
He does this so repeatedly its like a fucking merry-go-round. Every couple of weeks. When he's forced to face the facts, he knows that GG IS a stand up guy, DOES love everyone in this family and HAS CONTINUED to put everything he has into helping this family, the WHOLE family survive-Maca included.
BUT-when he's forced to face that HE HAS TO ADMIT THAT HE FUCKED UP HIS OWN RELATIONSHIPS, he flees in the face of the work that goes along with fixing himself and suddenly it's all about hating GG again.


Oh fuck, this is bad.

Distance & time. Don't make life-altering decisions right now. If you break up with anyone at this point it might be hard to take back later.

I did break it off with GG. He's being completely understanding that what I need from him now-is a friend, not a lover.

Thankfully, in that one relationship, I choose well. I choose a man who understands that just because you can't be a couple at a given moment doesn't mean you don't love each other
AND
just because you love each other doesn't mean that you're capable of being together at any given moment.

He's committed to the family, not to the sexual aspect of our relationship. He's helping me get the rest of the stuff out of the garage, then we're going to convert it to a bedroom for me.
 
Sorry to hear this LR :(

I've got to ask something and you don't need to answer. Why did you break it off with GG? RP says she understands but I am at a loss as to how this helps. I know GG understands but is it really fair to him?

I hope you are ok.

Take care Pretty Lady
 
Lots of love to you and all your family LR. I totally get why you would break it off with GG. To me my men are a merge of each other in a lot of ways. I have a joke that when I want them both to come I call them by the merge of their names. I get it.
 
No, it's not fair to him. But it's also not fair to him or anyone else for me to not be "real".
Real right now is that I'm in no position to uphold the responsibilities of being a girlfriend.
Our relationship is based on the reality that we're committed to each other for life-regardless of what DYNAMIC we have.

So, to quote GG, "the dynamic has changed, that's all".

It's changed many times, it may change many more.
 
Lots of love to you and all your family LR. I totally get why you would break it off with GG. To me my men are a merge of each other in a lot of ways. I have a joke that when I want them both to come I call them by the merge of their names. I get it.

Very much so. I love both of them. When you take one away, I fall apart. Maca doesn't get it at all. He can't understand why I would "break up with GG when I'm out of the picture" as he said.
But, that's the point I suppose-he doesn't get it.

He's writing me today about how he knows he's fucked up blah blah blah, but we've been down this road before. I love him, but to quote someone else,

"the time for words is over, the time for action has long since arrived."
 
I just want to tell you LR how much I admire you. I come from a culture which places a huge emphasis on family closeness and responsibility. It warms me to my core to see someone (not just you, others on this forum too) really put their family first.

I totally get the temporary break-up with GG. You've weathered 18 (?) years, this is just a different phase in your relationship.
 
Right now a real life hug would be amazing.
Sorry, but my arms aren't that long:(. Will you take a rain check? (Hold me to this - it's waiting for you:).)
It's easier to blame the scapegoat (GG) than face that he's choosing to destroy his life.

BUT-when he's forced to face that HE HAS TO ADMIT THAT HE FUCKED UP HIS OWN RELATIONSHIPS, he flees in the face of the work that goes along with fixing himself and suddenly it's all about hating GG again.
This sucks! But it's so human.

I haven't read all of your earlier stuff, so the bit about rape comes as a real shock to me. It seems that Maca is now in that stereotype position of the divorced father who hasn't got to deal with the day-to-day problems (Are the kids eating healthily? Are they treating each other well? How are they coping with the break-up?...), gets to show up when it suits him (OK, I suppose that you've worked out a schedule... but just who's holding the fort if :rolleyes:"something came up":rolleyes:?), take them for a hamburger, an ice-cream (maybe not in your climate just now), a movie... and come across as "Dear Daddy!:):)" who's fun!!!, while you're the sergeant-major:mad: who lays down the rules at home.

Easy to complain that you only talk about problems when he's skipped out on the problems:cool:...
I did break it off with GG. He's being completely understanding that what I need from him now-is a friend, not a lover.

Thankfully, in that one relationship, I choose well. I choose a man who understands that just because you can't be a couple at a given moment doesn't mean you don't love each other
AND
just because you love each other doesn't mean that you're capable of being together at any given moment.

He's committed to the family, not to the sexual aspect of our relationship. He's helping me get the rest of the stuff out of the garage, then we're going to convert it to a bedroom for me.
This bit makes me both happy and sad. Happy that you've got somebody who's not going to abandon you or the family because he doesn't get his ration of nookie. Sad because I agree with another poster that it's a decision made in haste (no, sorry: this has been dragging on, I know) and it seems - to me - that you're making GG (and yourself?) pay for Maca's sins.

I hope that you both consider this a temporary break-up. (But in that case, wouldn't you have used the wording: "I told GG that I needed to back off for a while, to put the sex on hold, to concentrate on myself...")

I remember your writing that GG held you while you cried the night that Maca walked out. I hope that that's still possible between you two, because you do need hugs.

[Pass on a message to GG (you wrote that he doesn't log in here that often) from MFFR: "Please, Mister! Give this woman a hug from me." (This does not count as a debit on your account with me. And tell GG that this one doesn't count as a debit on your account with him, either. It's a freebee:)!)]

And LR: Give GG a hug from me as well: he deserves it! (You're now studying Maths, right? This makes TWO [separate] hugs!;))

p.s. I read this thread after I sent you the PM.
 
I just want to tell you LR how much I admire you. I come from a culture which places a huge emphasis on family closeness and responsibility. It warms me to my core to see someone (not just you, others on this forum too) really put their family first.

I totally get the temporary break-up with GG. You've weathered 18 (?) years, this is just a different phase in your relationship.

Yes. We've weathered 18 crazy, fun-filled, sometimes heartbreaking, definitely full of learning experiences years.
We know that our souls are connected in a way that simply won't be undone. We accept that in order for our lives to remain connected as well-we have to be willing to go with the ebb and flow, move with the tides so to speak.

He took the couch, made his bed, cleaned his room and set it up the way I would prefer so that I could have some privacy and personal space while I struggle through my hurts.
He's helping me create a room for me out of the garage.
He's patiently caring for me from whatever distance I need in order to feel the CARE and not feel pressured. ;)
 
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