How to invite your wife into polyamory ?

LoveQuest

New member
Hey there !

I feel like polyamory, not necessarily sexual, can be effective in healing childhood issues, at least for me. I have sadness in me because I didn't get enough love, so I'm in a Love Quest ! :)

I'm in a monogamous relationship though, but some progress has been made. My wife agreed in inviting Cam, my ex-girlfriend, to hang out with us, and I was very happy to see that my wife also started to develop a close friendship with Cam. However, my wife becomes insecure/jealous too easily, so she restrains me, which turns out as a barrier for me to release my repressed feelings. My dream scenario is to sleep with both of them together, not for sex but for love. Though in reality I can hardly talk privately with Cam or hug her without distressing my wife.

Now I'm thinking how to get around it. Should I just restrain myself and focus in making their relationship stronger so that my wife can build a trust before I can have any closeness or intimacy with Cam?

Some background:

Me and Cam are just friends but we had an open relationship in the past, for a few months, while my wife was living apart. My wife knew everything and still slept occasionally with me but did never consent my relationship with Cam. Things turned a couple of months ago when I explained to my wife, from my heart, that Cam also has childhood issues which are similar to mine and that healing Cam would help me to heal myself.
 
Hey there !

I feel like polyamory, not necessarily sexual, can be effective in healing childhood issues, at least for me. I have sadness in me because I didn't get enough love, so I'm in a Love Quest ! :)

However, my wife becomes insecure/jealous too easily, so she restrains me, which turns out as a barrier for me to release my repressed feelings. My dream scenario is to sleep with both of them together, not for sex but for love.

Now I'm thinking how to get around it. Should I just restrain myself and focus in making their relationship stronger so that my wife can build a trust before I can have any closeness or intimacy with Cam?


Me and Cam are just friends but we had an open relationship in the past, for a few months, while my wife was living apart. My wife knew everything and still slept occasionally with me but did never consent my relationship with Cam.

Things turned a couple of months ago when I explained to my wife, from my heart, that Cam also has childhood issues which are similar to mine and that healing Cam would help me to heal myself.

While unresolved childhood issues can be very real and highly destructive well into adulthood on a number of levels - no denying that! - you need to guard against using emotional blackmail as a tactic in your "love quest".

You may be experiencing internal emptiness or a dearth of love as a result of damage done in the past, but I don't believe this should be used as an "excuse" to enter into a polyamorous relationship or pressure anyone who isn't completely willing into engaging in group sex. (Helping you overcome issues stemming from your past is the job of a therapist.)

Much of what you've written, above, smacks of subtle, if well-intentioned, manipulation of your wife's (presumably) natural desire to bolster your emotional well-being and nurture the relationship you're trying to mend.

You say she has jealousy issues in regards to displays of affection between you and Cam. I assume this is because - although she may like Cam as a person - she did not consent to the relationship/sex you and your "ex" shared while you and she (your wife) were essentially separated.

It seems as if you're now trying to build a relationship between them so that you may introduce the possibility of a triad or threesome, almost by stealth. Does your wife (and/or your ex gf) realise this is the intention behind why you want them to spend time together?
 
Unicorn hunt alert!

Neither monogamy nor polyamory are a tool to resolve psychological problems. There are also real actual people on the other end. "Childhood issues" is the strangest excuse I've heard to have sex. As someone who is heavily into this mind stuff, I assure you, if that is your sole reason, a good psychologist would be more useful (and I actually rarely recommend those) and you can keep your clothes on. It is very unlikely that any deep rooted psychological issues can be accidentally resolved with a shared activity with someone with similar issues unless one/both of you are massively emotionally literate (in which case you wouldn't need such extreme measures).

That said, you can still want to be poly anyway. Nothing wrong with that. The "unicorn" is a legendary creature. A bi-sexual woman who joins a couple and they live happily ever after. Practically, there are very few unicorn relationships that worked that I've seen on this forum.

For example your wife and you now are competing for the same person's attention. Additionally, this is a person with whom you have been with before and your wife didn't like it then and is jealous now. Good luck walking circles around that one.

You two, if at all you really wanted to be poly would be better off seeking others individually instead of like a package deal. Probably less stress all around and at the end of the day, a relationship is between individuals, unless you are actually seeking for someone to serve you and wife.... which is a whole different zone.

Both women in same bed is a popular male fantasy. Don't hold your breath is my recommendation. You already have a lot going on before you get anywhere close to that. If you get close to that ever. Work on what you have in the moment. Discuss polyamory honestly with your wife, try to understand her distress. One partner in distress is not polyamory either. Try to resolve all that and build from there before beginning with a destination and trying to fit three actual people into a fantasy.
 
In other news, seeking more love to fill a bottomless pit does not resolve issues related to feeling unloved. For that you need to end up working on boring things like where the need comes from, learning to love yourself, learning to recognize with feelings of being unloved as stemming from an illogical perception, coping with them and so on. And it will take a long, long time. There is no miracle fix.

Seeking love wholesale is actually the equivalent of getting a quick fix if you're chronically feeling deprived of love, but all it will do is reinforce patterns of seeking love outside you as a fix for what you believe is irreparably wrong/damaged inside. You can't fill water with a sieve. It will feel good for a short while (actually it is attention, more than love - a responsible lover who realizes and avoids enabling may take a harder stand and actually not help fill that pit at all) but all it will do is reinforce a dysfunctional pattern. It is like trying to keep the fridge door open in hot weather and waiting to watch ice form. All you do is run up a massive electricity bill and it is not at all condusive to making ice.

The "bill" for this futile endeavor, in your case will be paid as emotional costs by the people you are trying to move like inanimate objects on a chess board.

Go, get proper professional help, if your concern is really your childhood issues.
 
I'm in a monogamous relationship though, but some progress has been made. My wife agreed in inviting Cam, my ex-girlfriend, to hang out with us, and I was very happy to see that my wife also started to develop a close friendship with Cam.
This isn't progress toward poly, this is your wife accepting that you—like everyone except US VP Mike Pence—have friends of the opposite sex. Unless you've already explicitly laid the situation out for her and she's aware of your eventual aim it's not exactly groundbreaking stuff for a woman to hang out with her husband's friends.

Me and Cam are just friends but we had an open relationship in the past, for a few months, while my wife was living apart. My wife knew everything and still slept occasionally with me but did never consent my relationship with Cam. Things turned a couple of months ago when I explained to my wife, from my heart, that Cam also has childhood issues which are similar to mine and that healing Cam would help me to heal myself.
If you have previously cheated on your wife with Cam, there's a very good chance that even if she agreed to try poly it would be with the (IMO quite reasonable) caveat that Cam couldn't be involved. The childhood issues thing is at best a red herring or at worst a blatant attempt to emotionally manipulate your wife.

Your choice of title worries me because it sounds like you're "inviting" her to join you in a place you already inhabit. The trouble is that place is called "cheating" rather than "poly" if you're already there without her consent.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. This may not be what you want to hear.

Now I'm thinking how to get around it. Should I just restrain myself and focus in making their relationship stronger so that my wife can build a trust before I can have any closeness or intimacy with Cam?

If you presently have monogamous agreements with wife? "Getting around it" is cheating on your present agreements. :(

If you want to move forward ethically? I suggest you talk to wife straight up that you want to Open the marriage and then date Cam.

  • If wife up for it, do the work to Open well. Then ask Cam if she wants to date you.
    • Cam says no. You accept it, move on to date someone else.
    • Cam says yes. Do the work to date Cam in a "V" and let go of threesome dreams. You dreaming of one doesn't mean either of the ladies wants to go there. Threesomes is a "3 people yes" thing and you do not have 3 people yes at this time. So let it go.

  • If wife is not up for opening the marriage?
    • And you want to break up up so you are free TO poly and wife is free FROM anything poly? Then do that work do part on decent terms and then move on to poly with whoever. Cam or not. The price of admission is letting the marriage end.
    • And you want to stay with wife? Then give up poly ideas and cheating ideas and stick with your agreements. The price of continued admission is to let these ideas/wants go.

My 2 cents.

Galagirl
 
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Having a threesome isn't going to resolve anything from your childhood. I think you know that. What it will do, in this situation, is create a bunch of drama.
 
Hi LoveQuest,

From what you've written so far, I take it that you do not want to have sex with Cam -- am I wrong in thinking that? You want emotional intimacy, but not sexual intimacy.

I think you should tell your wife what you want, using simple, straightforward language. If she has questions for you she can always ask.

I hope you succeed in your quest. :)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Oh, LoveQuest, there is so much sincerity in what you wrote that I find myself wanting to support you 100% -- & that's saying a lot as I'm regularly voted Most Cynical Person Here. :cool:

But in so many ways you vacillate between wrong-headed & just outright wrong.

(I'm gonna call your spouse "Sally" as you've neglected to give her a pseud, which reduces her to a mere object in YOUR life: "my wife" "my car" "my bunion".)

Foremost, ANY attempt to "wedge polyamory into the agenda" is a FAIL. At best, it's passive aggression (as "aggressive" in no way implies "angry"). It's not a great approach to general nonmonogamy. As soon as any sort of subterfuge enters the picture, "polyamory" is gone.

You keep saying the "not necessarily sexual" & "not for sex but for love" stuff, but it'd be much healthier if you simply admit that you want a threeway AND you want it to be ongoing AND you want your girlfriend to move in so that you can fulfill the endemic idiot fantasy. The chances of it happening AT ALL are about zero.

Right now, more likely that you're wing walking: as much as you claim you're emotionally attached to Sally, you're actually quite bored & want to reexperience courtship & falling in love & exploring with a whole new person... but deep in your heart you're aware (not being a particularly stupid person) that most dating-level relationships don't last years, & so you want to keep Sally attached as a "fallback position": far from ideal, but comfortable enough.

Still want to be polyamorous? Here's how to start: "Sally, honey, I am going to begin properly dating Cam, who I've already reamed a few times, & maybe soon enough be banging her senseless again. I love you very much, & still hope to spend the rest of my life in partnership with you. Can we work this out so that everyone is happy?" (Okay, you'll probably be much more PC about it, but the further you stray from that central message, the more likely you're weaselling[/i] rather than communicating.)

If Sally storms out & files for divorce, then you are free to be polyamorous with Cam & whoever else you happen to encounter next -- though IME you will forget about that for a few years at least AND Cam probably would never allow it anyway (in deep confidence she's far superior to your wife & therefore you certainly don't have ANY need for someone else), unless of course SHE begins to get interested in someone else then reminds you of YOUR proclivities

If Sally stays, then YOU will have the chance to actually BECOME polyamorous, learning how to communicate deeply & thoroughly & promptly, without the highflown self-serving passive-aggressive smokescreen.

Bon chance.
 
More details...

Hey hey, wait a minute people...

More impressive then the amount of attention I got is the amount of judgment and stereotyping that came with it. There is however one who stands out of the crowd. kdt26417, you got the point !

But, let me clarify some things for all others who replied:
  • I love my wife, she is very attractive and does fulfill my sexual needs well enough. I slept with Cam many times in the past but we never had sex, because she choose to remain virgin.
  • My relationship with Cam didn't come out of cheating. It begun after my wife moved away during a period in which she was immersed in pure madness and very aggressive. That left me too lonely, but I never gave up on her and after years of obsessive study and trials on mental health treatment through nutrition I finally found effective and healthy ways to make her more stable, as long as two other members of my family with other serious diagnostics. Unfortunately, their peace didn't bring me the inner peace, happiness or fulfillment that I wished, but allowed me to switch from a mental health quest into a Love Quest which is now more focused on healing myself (and Cam).
  • Although it is quite hard to have a peaceful conversation with my wife about any poly topic due to her abandonment issues, I did talk straightforward with her a few times about my views, such as my appreciation of polyamory and some interesting things I read from books (such as "Sex at Dawn"). Though she is not receptive unless she notices my sadness, which I hardly and rarely express.
  • I don't want a V relationship. This would be selfish and detrimental. It would maximize jealousy. I don't have enough time for two independent relationships anyway. I would only be emotionally fulfilled and feel accepted if it was with all 3 of us together, with the kids, and in harmony.

So... That's not any kind of men's fantasy. All I want is to feel that love is abundant and can be shared.

Seeking love wholesale is actually the equivalent of getting a quick fix if you're chronically feeling deprived of love, but all it will do is reinforce patterns of seeking love outside you as a fix for what you believe is irreparably wrong/damaged inside.

anamikanon, that is a very logical conclusion that may apply for many, but I don't think it applies to me. In short, I have trouble creating significant emotional connection with everyone around, so I become unemotional all day long, then I overcompensate with a wife who "loves in excess" in the "I hate you don't leave me" fashion, and she is not the first. Now I seek to find balance and to expand my horizons, learning to love more than one adult at the same time. In some way, this is related to my parents who fought with each other for so many years and my mother who has always been emotionally neglectful.
 
Thanks for all replies. My 2nd posts to this thread is on moderation (the first 5 get moderated). That will clarify many things. Feel free to make any questions.
 
I don't want a V relationship. This would be selfish and detrimental. It would maximize jealousy. I don't have enough time for two independent relationships anyway. I would only be emotionally fulfilled and feel accepted if it was with all 3 of us together, with the kids, and in harmony.
This might be a terminology misunderstanding. A V relationship doesn't mean your two partners are kept completely separated from each other, it just means that they aren't also in a relationship with each other. Do you expect your wife and Cam to be romantically and sexually involved with each other? If not, you're describing a V.
 
Emm, sorry if I'm using wrong terminology. I don't expect them to be romantically or sexually involved, since they have never shown any bisexual tendencies, but I do expect them to be intimate affectionately and develop some kind of love.
 
Ok, that makes things a little more sensible (depending upon what "be intimate affectionately" entails). It would probably be a good idea to also give up on the threesome idea until you have the foundations sorted out. Your previous assertion that you'd accept a triad or bust when there was no indication that the two women in the equation were at all interested in each other is an all-too-familiar red flag, and jumping straight into group sex without a normalising period of individual intimacy before everyone decides if that's what they want isn't much better.
 
Sleep is better than sex

Emm, please review what I said in my first post: "My dream scenario is to sleep with both of them together, not for sex but for love.". I like sex multiple times per week and I know it plays a critical role in creating bonds, but for me sleeping together is more important and fulfilling than having sex. My wife also has trouble accepting that I make a distinction.
 
"Sleep with" is slang for "share sex with" so perhaps that's some of the confusion.

When you say "My dream scenario is to sleep with both of them together, not for sex but for love"

I too have trouble understanding what you mean.

Are you saying...

"My dream scenario? Would be me and my wife and Cam all taking a nap together"

????

Galagirl
 
I assumed you meant "sleep together" in the common usage; I stand corrected.
Emm, please review what I said in my first post: "My dream scenario is to sleep with both of them together, not for sex but for love.".
I read that as similar to "I want a sandwich, not for bread, but for peanut butter"; in other words, you get both even though you claim only to want one. I'm often astonished at the mental gymnastics people are willing to attempt in order to give their sexual desires a veneer of something other than sexual desire, and slapping a coat of "love" over the top is so common it's a cliche.

When you discuss what you want from poly with your wife, does she know that you're using "sleep with" to mean "be unconscious in the immediate vicinity of" rather than "shag senseless"? Sexual jealousy is very common, so she may be more willing to consider you developing another relationship if she knows it'll at least initially be a non-sexual one.
 
taking a nap together

Calagirl,

Are you saying...
"My dream scenario? Would be me and my wife and Cam all taking a nap together"

Yep, that's what I meant. Sorry because English is not my primary language. I see now in the dictionary that "sleep with" denotes sex, but I was naive on that statement. Maybe that's why I felt stereotyped here. :p

I believe the love that comes from sharing things and cudding together is the "real one", while the one that comes from sex may feel stronger, but it is selfish and volatile.
 
Well the last few posts had me rolling with laughter as this language issue unfolded.

So what you are really looking for is how to convince your wife that your relationship with Cam is purely platonic. You also want to convince your wife to be as close a friend to Cam as you are.

The latter must come naturally. There is no way to force your wife into a loving friendship.

The former may be difficult because you are approaching this as a poly relationship. I don't really see it as that. I see it as more of a close friendship. That is what I would concentrate on with your wife. Any jealousy is going to arise from the insecurity that you will begin a sexual/romantic relationship with Cam. The best you can do is assure her otherwise.
 
I literally sleep with my friend/roommate in his bed for similar reasons, and my husband sleeps in his own room (i also have my own bed/room). The difference is, my friend has MS and recently got out of a long term relationship, so he feels comforted by another warm body next to him, and there is no sex involved whatsoever. Also, husband and i are already nonmono and we all know each other really well, so this arrangement didn't involve any inviting or negotiating about feelings or boundaries. Just wanted to shout out that sleeping together without sex is not an unheard-of thing. I hope you can come to some kind of understanding that works for your situation.
 
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